In the beginning, I did my best to console her and tried to be understanding. She was devastated even though everything that happened was a result of her actions. She said she was going to go through some of her belongings and would only stay for two weeks and then return to Florida. Well, here we are six months later: she’s still here and not trying in the slightest to get back on her feet and get out on her own. In addition: she’s hands down one of the rudest people I’ve ever met. She hates all animals and is mean to the ones I’ve got. In the beginning, she would take down my wall decorations and pictures and put up her own stuff. She would pull everything out of my kitchen drawers and move everything to where she liked better. She would say things to me like, “How do you live like this?!” The day after Easter she pulled out my refrigerator because she said she was “certain that it was filthy behind there,” and a cutting board fell off the top of the fridge, cracking the connector to the water line, which resulted in a completely flooded kitchen. Robert and I were both at work when this happened. She couldn’t find the water shut-off valve, and water just poured in for well over an hour. She never even apologized. Luckily, our homeowners’ insurance took care of us.
She knows that I do not want her living here any longer, and is resentful. Now, she just sits in my beloved book nook and stares at me while I’m cleaning my kitchen or trying to pack up the kids’ backpacks for school. She won’t speak to me, and she will just sit there and tap her foot and shake her head. I have sat down with my boyfriend a few times now and told him how I feel about her still being here and about her rudeness (which he does not see). He said he can’t just kick his mom out. He doesn’t see why this is such a problem. How can he figure that her coming here, taking over our daughter’s bedroom (our daughter now is bunking in with the boys), destroying our house, being nasty rude, eating our food, using our utilities, and not offering a dime is ok? I have been going to therapy once a week just to have my feelings validated. I understand that this is a tricky situation. I know that this is his mother, but what about our family? The kids don’t want to be anywhere near her, and neither do I. She snaps at me, the kids, and the animals especially when Robert is not around to see it. Please help me. I’m completely lost. — His Mother Is Driving Me Insane
This is a terrible situation and if Robert shows zero interest in moving his mother out and getting her some help (in the way of a mental health check-up, a source of income, a home of her own) and would rather let his mother take over your house, kick your daughter out of her bedroom, and look the other way when his mother practically destroys your home, you don’t have much choice but to make a drastic move. I would suggest finding a temporary home for you and your three children — something you can rent month by month or by a six-month lease if possible (and if not, then sign a one-year lease). If there’s room for animals, bring the ones it makes the most sense to bring — maybe your dog and cat. If you don’t trust leaving any of the animals in a home where your boyfriend’s mother is staying, look into foster care, re-homing them, or asking a friend or family member to house them temporarily. Then move.
I would imagine that once Robert sees how serious you are about this and what’s at stake — what he risks losing by enabling his mother’s unchecked manic behavior — he will have an epiphany that his mother needs to move out. If that happens, you should only agree to move back in when Robert agrees never to let his mother move in with you again. If Robert does not come to his senses and help find his mother another living arrangement, then you will be better off living apart from him anyway and suing for child support. Clearly, you and your children are never going to live happily under the same roof as Grandma, and if she won’t move out on her own accord and Robert won’t force her out, then the only option you have is to move yourself — and your kids — out.
We broke up a month ago because he said he was feeling guilty with the lying. He says that he cares very much for me and our relationship is real. We work together, so this has been difficult. He has thought about divorce, but he says he has to think about his kids. The thing is that I know he wants to be with me but he knows she is not able to take care of the kids.
Any advice you could give me would be greatly appreciated. I do care for and love him, but I need more. — I Make Him Happy
Your boyfriend is a scumbag who cheats and lies, and he absolutely is lying to you, too. He’s not getting a divorce because he doesn’t want one — and it has nothing to do with making his kids happy, please. This is all about him, his needs, and what is most financially and physically gratifying for him. There’s no reason for him to get divorced. He can stay married to his wife and not have to pay alimony or child support while also sleeping around, seemingly with his wife’s acknowledgment if not outright permission. Why would he give up all that to be with you? He wouldn’t. You probably mean very little to him and you certainly are not reason enough for him to pursue divorce at this juncture. If there was any chance at all you were a reason for him to pursue a divorce, he would have done so by now. He’s not even pretending to be considering it – that’s how little interest he has in you and motivating you to stay with him.
You need to move on, and next time stay away from unavailable men.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.