When my boyfriend still lived at home, he had his son every other weekend and one night during the week, as per the divorce agreement, and we would all do everything with his parents — watch TV, eat, vacation, church, etc. I thought that, once we moved in together, that he, his son and I would create memories of our own together, hopefully with his seeing me in a more permanent sense or at least headed that way. However, my boyfriend’s domineering and controlling father stated to my boyfriend in front of me, days before we moved in together, that he expects that nothing should change as far as seeing his grandson. In other words, my boyfriend’s visitation agreement states that 30% of the time he gets his son. Therefore, my boyfriend’s father intends to see his grandson at least 30% of the time, just as he did before my boyfriend moved out. My boyfriend’s son’s bedroom is even at the grandparents’ place, not at my boyfriend’s. On a weeknight, my boyfriend will visit his son at his parents’ place and then come home to our place without his son, leaving him there overnight!!
Interestingly enough, my boyfriend’s parents see their grandson more than my boyfriend does. They watch him often during the workweek, because my boyfriend and his ex-wife need child care and my boyfriend’s mom is more than happy to do it, which is wonderful as child care is expensive. But despite seeing him as much as they do, they were very vocal about their disappointment when last week they only saw him once as opposed to the three to four times a week they are accustomed to.
My boyfriend feels pulled in all directions. Ultimately, he does what his parents want. He has a week off from work and and his dad made vacation plans for him, them, and my boyfriend’s son. Last year, we also spent his vacation with his parents (and of course my boyfriend’s son). Mind you, my boyfriend sees his parents at least two to three times a week and every Sunday! I’ve asked him if just the three of can do some things together, to make our own memories, be closer to his son, and be more like a family if that’s where we are headed. He gets defensive and says it would be World War III if he were to make a “move” like that. Help, we’re talking splitsville now. — Ready to Be a Family
So, basically, you moved in with your boyfriend KNOWING that his parents are super domineering and controlling and expected to see him and their grandson all the time? You moved in with him knowing there was no bedroom for the son at your place. And it seems you moved in with him without knowing whether you two (and his son) are headed towards being a family? I’m confused. WHY would you move in with someone — a father with partial custody of his son — without discussing these things?? Why would you take such a “wait and see” attitude about something like this, especially when you had SO MANY signs — including explicit statements from a domineering parent — about what life would be like after you moved in together? Why would think that, after you moved in together, you’d create memories as a family of three when you had, thus far, NEVER ever done ANYTHING as a threesome?
You took a leap of faith that was based way too much on wishful thinking, and now you’re paying the price. I mean, no shit you’re talking splitsville. You aren’t a couple who communicates well. If you were, you would KNOW where you are headed. You would know whether you were on the same page. You would have worked out custody stuff before moving in together. Did you never think to ask why the son wasn’t getting a bedroom at your new place? Did you not know he wasn’t until after you moved in together?
It might be too late, but, since you clearly didn’t discuss these important topics BEFORE you moved in together, you must do it now. Where do you both see your relationship in two years? Is the son ever going to live with you, even a few nights a week? Do you want additional children together? If so, what’s the game plan in dealing with the pushy grandparents? Now that you have seen how they are and how weak your boyfriend is with them, do you WANT to have kids with him? Do you want to marry him and deal with his parents for the rest of their lives? Your boyfriend is showing you what life as part of his family is like. Consider it a gift that you’ve seen as much as you have before getting married. It may be too late to discuss important topics before moving in together, but, honey, it’s not too late to RUN.
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