The woman swears she doesn’t know who my boyfriend is and, if I wanted to, I could call her or her husband and talk to them. Funny thing is, just five minutes after I messaged her my boyfriend was calling me telling me I was crazy and that I misunderstood (red flag). He said she was just a friend he texts with. I hung up on him. But now I’m starting to think I may have over-reacted. I feel bad for making accusations to the woman that may not be true. What are your feelings on my situation? Should I apologize to the woman? I already have trust issues because of the Craigslist ordeal. — Seeing Red Flags
You know, for someone with self-described “trust issues,” you sure do ignore some serious and obvious “red flags,” as you call them. And what you call a “red flag,” like the first flakes of an imminent snowstorm, I call an avalanche of signs that this guy is not trustworthy. And if you’re someone who guards your trust to the point that you monitor your boyfriend’s every fucking digital move, I can’t believe you’d choose to ignore that your boyfriend seeks out women wanting “casual encounters” on Craigslist. This is quintessential burying your head in the sand!
What’s even the point of monitoring his every digital move when you already have the dirt on him? He’s cruising Craigslist on the regular and sending selfies to at least one co-worker and who knows how many others. And then he’s lying to you about it. Because he knows that if you have a bigger issue than your trust issues, it’s your fear of being alone. What other explanation is there for staying with a guy like this? What other explanation for calling out the woman he was texting instead of HIM? Why else would you tell her that her family would be ruined if she continued texting your boyfriend, but say nothing to him except “leave me alone” — and then worry later that you “over-reacted”?!
Girl, you need to MOA, stat. And then get yourself into therapy and work out why you’d stay with this loser as long as you have.
A week after our last hookup in April, he wasn’t being as communicative through phone and text as he normally was, and I got suspicious. I confronted him and he told me he had a girlfriend who he had been dating since February and they had become “official” in March (just a week after he and I had spent three nights together).
I want to be able to continue the friendship we had when we first stopped dating because we still have so much in common, but now I can only see him as a cheater, on both me and his current girlfriend. I’m still not sure if he ever told her he hooked up with me when they were already in a relationship and, if he did, that I had no idea he was seeing her. Should I message her about it and let her know she is dating a cheater?
It makes me so miserable knowing he is so happy with her and that he really screwed me over. — The Cheater’s Ex
He didn’t screw you over. You dumped him and you two became friends with benefits. Those benefits don’t include commitment or monogamy… because you dumped him! He didn’t really owe you anything, except maybe letting you know whether he was sleeping with other people and potentially exposing you to STDs — not because your relationship warranted that, but because common decency does. But you also could have asked if he was sleeping with anyone else, and I’m assuming you didn’t, or you wouldn’t be all shocked now that he has a girlfriend.
Surprise! Someone you dumped nine months ago moved on! Why on earth you think this means he cheated on you, I don’t know. After you break up with someone, if they sleep with someone else, it’s not cheating. You do realize that, right? As for whether he cheated on his now-girlfriend: that’s not your concern. Maybe she knows about it already. Maybe she doesn’t. Maybe, since the overlap between his screwing you and starting something with this woman was relatively brief — a few weeks, really — it falls into enough of a murky area for him to justify his behavior. Or maybe it’s something he can’t justify and he feels guilty about it. But that’s all his business and not yours. It’s not your business. HE and his love life are not your business anymore.
I’m sorry you feel miserable seeing your ex-boyfriend so happy with someone else. But you broke up with him, so what did you expect? That he would remain your friend and sex buddy indefinitely (or, more likely, until YOU met someone else you wanted to get serious with)? If you wanted him to remain loyal to you, you should have remained his girlfriend. But, I assume you had good reasons for not staying in that relationship. Remind yourself of those reasons. Remind yourself why you no longer wanted to be his girlfriend and why it’s actually ok that another woman who presumably DOES want that role is filling it.
Bottom line: He moved on. You should, too.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.