My husband and I dated for 1.5 years before we got married (in July of 2011). We broke up A LOT, mostly because he wanted to “see what else was out there.” I caught him dating/talking to other girls lots of times; we would break up for a while, then he would usually initiate contact again, and I’d always take him back. In November of 2010, I moved in with him. He hasn’t cheated on me since, and in June we decided to get married. We had a very small, very quick wedding and now we live in our own house.
Now, he’s starting to get antsy again and thinks about getting divorced often. He says he’s bored. He says I’m not “exciting” enough. He says he knows I’m a great wife and a good woman and that he married me for those reasons, but he wants something else, something more. I am pretty open sexually; we visit strip clubs and even had a threesome once. Lately, he’s been trying to sneak around and talk to girls behind my back. Nothing has worked out for him so far, but the idea that he’s trying is bad enough.
It’s not all bad, though. He can be very romantic and sweet; on the “good days” he treats me so wonderfully. But that’s the thing: one day he loves me so much and is so glad he married me, and the next day he can’t stand me and doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I love him very much and I try everyday to make him happy, but I feel like no matter what, it’s never enough. I don’t want to get divorced. We’ve only been married 5 months and I didn’t get married with the intention of just splitting up, but I’m not sure what more I can do. I’ve suggested counseling, and he’s not totally opposed to the idea, but I don’t want to go to counseling just so they can tell me that we need to split up. I’ll take any help I can get. — Newlywed Strife
GO TO COUNSELING. For the love of god, go!!! A good counselor isn’t going to tell you to break up. At least, not initially. A suggestion like that won’t come until plenty of talking and exercises have happened. Your husband is in dire need of some counseling. Your marriage is in dire need of counseling. It’s clear your husband has, at best, commitment issues. Beyond that, there may be a host of psychological issues at play that, until dealt with through professional guidance, will keep your marriage from being what you want and need it to be.
If your husband refuses to try counseling or if you go and find that after some time and multiple therapists—don’t just give up if you don’t like the first one—things aren’t getting any better, you should probably consider divorce (or an annulment). No, divorce is not ideal, but neither is being married to the utterly wrong person. In the meantime, please practice safe sex. The last thing you need is to produce a baby in a less-than-happy marriage … or to catch something from a man who sleeps with other women.
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