It’s not a big huge deal but I’m mainly mad because my husband responded, “I like her.” He says it’s because she’s being nice to his brother, but she’s not being nice to me. He said he thought the video was weird but mostly gave her praise, which I feel is disloyal to me, since Jezebel sent my husband a slutty stare-in-the-camera video while trying to be sexy to my husband. I feel like my husband should consider me and tell her that’s weird, or tell her to keep the bedroom videos to herself (jokingly but seriously). He could have said anything but “I like her.”
The whole thing is so rude to me, and my husband never has my back; if I insist he say something, he will say it in a way that makes me look crazy instead of handling it by respecting me while still being cool with his brother. Now I feel like this stupid little thing has divided us even further as I never catch him being loyal or standing up for or praising me, EVER, in 12 years. I want him to think of me and stand beside me on things. Is it even worth making my point if I do it politely and, if I do, how do I do that? I’ve already expressed my feelings about it to my husband and I guess I want him to agree with me and say, “Yeah, what the heck?!” I want the girl to know not to do that again; I’m just so pissed off about it.
Am I wrong? Is my husband wrong? And what, if anything, should be done? I’m 37, he’s 39, we’ve been married 12 years, and we have not had a happy marriage. All things that break a marriage have been done in our marriage from affairs to losing a baby. I’ve held on, he’s kind of stuck around barely, and I just don’t think he will ever get it. I feel so alone and disrespected, left out, and back-stabbed. My husband is a narcissist, by the way. So really does this dumb point I’m making even matter? I’m going out of my mind, spinning my wheels. — Disrespected By a Jezebel
Take a deep breath, in through your nose and out through your mouth. Again. Do it with your eyes closed. Release your shoulders. One more big breath and an audible sigh. It’s going to be ok. You’re going to be ok. But there’s a lot of work to do, and you need to be smart about the energy you’re expending (where and how). Directing the rage you’re feeling over 12 years of an unhappy marriage at your BIL’s new girlfriend because of a silly 4-second video she sent your husband is entirely misguided. It’s a waste of your time and energy and it will solve nothing. Jezebel wasn’t trying to look sexy for your husband. She was trying to look sexy for her new boyfriend. Making a little video was just an excuse to do so, and if you didn’t have such a terrible relationship with your husband, you’d have shrugged it off and joined your husband in saying, “Huh, that was kind of weird, but as long as she’s making BIL happy, whatever!” Instead, you’ve reduced 12 years of marital pain and betrayal into a 4-second moving image that literally has nothing to do with you or your relationship.
It’s time for you to ask yourself some serious questions: Do you love your husband? Do you like him? Do you want to stay married to him? What would need to change in your marriage in order for you to be happy? What is the likelihood of those things changing if you do absolutely nothing? What is the likelihood of those things changing if you and your husband put in some serious effort, with the guidance of a marriage therapist? If you stay married, what is the best case scenario for you two in five years? If you divorce, what is the best case scenario for yourself in five years? Which scenario excites you more? When you think of the worst-case scenarios of staying married vs. splitting up, which one scares you the most? Let the answers to these questions help guide you to the first steps in… well, in the rest of your life.
You have to take a step forward. You can’t keep living the way you have, hoping things somehow magically change. YOU have to make the change. If you’re married to someone you don’t like, who never shows you respect or care or regard, stop doing that. Change your situation. Either get the fuck out of the marriage, or work with your husband to make your relationship better. If there’s no making it better, either because he’s not interested or because you simply are not a good match for each other, MOA. But for the love of God, quit obsessing over external dumb shit that seriously has no relevance to you or your life when the source of your rage is eating you from the inside. What you’re doing is akin to standing outside your burning house, flames bursting from every window, and screaming at someone lighting a cigarette in the house across the street because you think they’re trying to make your fire worse. Stop yelling at people whose actions have nothing to do with you and call 9-1-1. It’s beyond time. (It may be too late to save the house, but you can still save the people in it.)
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.