It’s not a big huge deal but I’m mainly mad because my husband responded, “I like her.” He says it’s because she’s being nice to his brother, but she’s not being nice to me. He said he thought the video was weird but mostly gave her praise, which I feel is disloyal to me, since Jezebel sent my husband a slutty stare-in-the-camera video while trying to be sexy to my husband. I feel like my husband should consider me and tell her that’s weird, or tell her to keep the bedroom videos to herself (jokingly but seriously). He could have said anything but “I like her.”
The whole thing is so rude to me, and my husband never has my back; if I insist he say something, he will say it in a way that makes me look crazy instead of handling it by respecting me while still being cool with his brother. Now I feel like this stupid little thing has divided us even further as I never catch him being loyal or standing up for or praising me, EVER, in 12 years. I want him to think of me and stand beside me on things. Is it even worth making my point if I do it politely and, if I do, how do I do that? I’ve already expressed my feelings about it to my husband and I guess I want him to agree with me and say, “Yeah, what the heck?!” I want the girl to know not to do that again; I’m just so pissed off about it.
Am I wrong? Is my husband wrong? And what, if anything, should be done? I’m 37, he’s 39, we’ve been married 12 years, and we have not had a happy marriage. All things that break a marriage have been done in our marriage from affairs to losing a baby. I’ve held on, he’s kind of stuck around barely, and I just don’t think he will ever get it. I feel so alone and disrespected, left out, and back-stabbed. My husband is a narcissist, by the way. So really does this dumb point I’m making even matter? I’m going out of my mind, spinning my wheels. — Disrespected By a Jezebel
Take a deep breath, in through your nose and out through your mouth. Again. Do it with your eyes closed. Release your shoulders. One more big breath and an audible sigh. It’s going to be ok. You’re going to be ok. But there’s a lot of work to do, and you need to be smart about the energy you’re expending (where and how). Directing the rage you’re feeling over 12 years of an unhappy marriage at your BIL’s new girlfriend because of a silly 4-second video she sent your husband is entirely misguided. It’s a waste of your time and energy and it will solve nothing. Jezebel wasn’t trying to look sexy for your husband. She was trying to look sexy for her new boyfriend. Making a little video was just an excuse to do so, and if you didn’t have such a terrible relationship with your husband, you’d have shrugged it off and joined your husband in saying, “Huh, that was kind of weird, but as long as she’s making BIL happy, whatever!” Instead, you’ve reduced 12 years of marital pain and betrayal into a 4-second moving image that literally has nothing to do with you or your relationship.
It’s time for you to ask yourself some serious questions: Do you love your husband? Do you like him? Do you want to stay married to him? What would need to change in your marriage in order for you to be happy? What is the likelihood of those things changing if you do absolutely nothing? What is the likelihood of those things changing if you and your husband put in some serious effort, with the guidance of a marriage therapist? If you stay married, what is the best case scenario for you two in five years? If you divorce, what is the best case scenario for yourself in five years? Which scenario excites you more? When you think of the worst-case scenarios of staying married vs. splitting up, which one scares you the most? Let the answers to these questions help guide you to the first steps in… well, in the rest of your life.
You have to take a step forward. You can’t keep living the way you have, hoping things somehow magically change. YOU have to make the change. If you’re married to someone you don’t like, who never shows you respect or care or regard, stop doing that. Change your situation. Either get the fuck out of the marriage, or work with your husband to make your relationship better. If there’s no making it better, either because he’s not interested or because you simply are not a good match for each other, MOA. But for the love of God, quit obsessing over external dumb shit that seriously has no relevance to you or your life when the source of your rage is eating you from the inside. What you’re doing is akin to standing outside your burning house, flames bursting from every window, and screaming at someone lighting a cigarette in the house across the street because you think they’re trying to make your fire worse. Stop yelling at people whose actions have nothing to do with you and call 9-1-1. It’s beyond time. (It may be too late to save the house, but you can still save the people in it.)
Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
Miss MJ April 22, 2019, 7:33 am
Excellent advice, Wendy. The LW’s rage and resentment just hit me right in the face. By the time I got done reading it, I didn’t even remember what started it, but just thought that the LW needs to end or change this relationship that clearly makes her miserable. Please take Wendy’s advice, LW. There’s no trophy at the end of your life for staying in a miserable situation.
AttackKitten April 27, 2019, 2:33 pm
Yeah, I was reading along thinking “Well this is kind of crazy”, and then I got to the last paragraph and literally said out loud “Woah! Shit! Way to bury the lede lady!”
LW May 7, 2019, 10:11 am
What is a lede lady? And bury her? As in like wendy told me off or me bury some lede lady? I dont understand this comment at all. But yes rereading it it does sound like I’m tripping huh? It’s too much to explain all that goes into our lives to maybe make it sound more understandable. If you had more of an idea maybe youd see why more maybe not. I’m willing to admit I’ve been wrong alot and am definately not blameless in our problems. Its hard to know when you believe what you believe to be true when you try but cant accurately see both sides (I’m talking ab me and me seeing the story of our marriage like if I could know for sure what’s actually going on, u know. Like God can. I dont want to look back when I die and be horrified to see things werent as bad as I thought and it was actually ne making it bad, not that I want to see that it was the worst either. I just want to get it right while it still counts while there is life left to be enjoyed. I do love my husband and I want to like him I think I would if I knew he liked me. This is years of rejection that’s putting me off.
LW May 7, 2019, 9:59 am
Ok. You’re right, I just thought the trophy would be the relationship being saved hopefully much before the end so we can enjoy it and each other. That was what prize I wanted. We are trying to work on it and it sounds crazy cause I havent provided the whole history and yes we have frequent hiccups but at this point things are in general doing much better, much better from awful unbearable so not great and we’re not making people envious yet lol but actually better. I just got so mad and then after reading this I got unmad. I realize and have known just havent mattered the art of speaking my peace like a lady then letting others react how they will. I know that when I get stuck so hard on forcing feeding my point no matter how right I may feel or even be that if I yell it or scream it and get ugly with it noone remembers or cares what I was saying in the first place everyone just thinks what a controlling crazy bitch, sometimes even to the point of their entertainment, like, hey… watch this…. I have to live and let live. And accept that I can’t MAKE anybody feel any kind of way, but if I want them to emphasize with me it’s best to keep my composure about it, even if it is in a manipulative way or for a manipulative way still hoping to serve my purpose. I know, still kinda immature, but I’m trying and at least I’m being honest w myself about myself. Thank you for your comment.
JediDev April 22, 2019, 7:50 am
I honestly think she could benefit from therapy just to unravel her anger and get her head space cleared. No use in making major life choices while pissed.
As for the girlfriend, it sounds like a misunderstanding. She probably wanted to come off as friendly and cute, not DTF some married guy. I’m betting she has no idea your marriage is on the rocks.
LW May 7, 2019, 10:32 am
Probably right. I tend to relate everything done and said back to myself.
Bittergaymark April 22, 2019, 9:49 am
NEWSFLASH: This LW is batshit fucking crazy. To go this apeshit over a silly vapid fucking video is simply deranged. Deliberately choosing to cling to a miserable marriage doesn’t give one free license to be a deranged bitch. Sorry. PS — Anytime some yahoo starts yammering on and on about how much they’ve been disrespected and blah blah blah — my eyes glaze over as I know it’s gonna be yet another endless stream of utter b.s. Like this letter.
LW May 7, 2019, 10:17 am
That’s fair to say. You’re probably right. I will never come off thinking that’s not an unwise kinda tactless decision she made and I wouldnt have done it, but needless to say, thank God I’m so perfect right, cause although I wouldnt do that it’s not like I wouldnt do worse in some other capacity.
LW May 7, 2019, 10:29 am
Ok, ouch, now I’m ok.. tell me how you really feel brother, dont hold back. Hehe. No just kidding, damn, you put it out there like me. Props. You’re right. You called me out and I camt argue w you. I certainly do have a bad tendency to go ape shit and act bat shit and I have to ask myself why, why am I willing to throw a fit and am I willing to bully people close to me and force my way by instilling fear into them, bc if someone else did that I’d hate that and them and I do hate that in myself bc its ugly and it’s not right its unfair and unkind. The only thing I can think of as to why I do it is bc somewhere down the line it worked for me. I tell my children no matter how someone else behaves you have your bottom line moral code of ethics and it should be nonnegioatable so no matter how bad they act you dont lower yourself to meet their level you stay true to your values. And I havent Bern doing that. I’ve been a hypocrite and acted downright shameful more times than I’d like to have to relive thru remembering. I can own it. I want to change it and try but it’s so hard bc all I can say is I’m being immature bc someine once said you can control your anger, although I struggle to know how, idk what to do, but they said I bet if a bomb were strapped to your kid you could control your explosive temper. I cant say they were wrong either. I admit no matter my feeling right or wrong I will be wrong if i act out of anger.
anonymousse April 22, 2019, 10:21 am
Didn’t your BIL send the video?
And yeah, I think this should absolutely be at the bottom of the pile of your concerns if you’ve had a long tumultuous marriage and feel so disconnected from your husband. To be all up in arms about a silly video that has NOTHING to do with you does make you seem pretty ridiculous. Not everything is about you. Not everything is done at you. It is a 4 sec video of them kissing. His brother is probably the person who directed and sent it. I can’t even with the Jezebel nickname.
If your husband has cheated on you, that’s his fault, not the woman he cheated with. Please go see a therapist, figure out what you need to do, and move on in your life. I don’t think you’re happily married.
LW May 7, 2019, 10:47 am
Yes, I’m not happily married. I feel unfulfilled, lied to, I feel afraid to be vulnerable which is what you need to be willing go be to give it a fair chance, but after being abandoned w a 3 yr old and an infant out of state away from any of my family and friends left for another woman he met at work and lied ab still lies ab things often, I’m alot bitter and resentful and afraid to believe bc if I give him a fair chance and let myself be trusting i feel unsafe and foolish to let him have the opportunity to yank the rug out from underneath me again I feel if I were trusting him and he did this again I’d absolutely lose it, kinda like the more comfortable I am and allow myself to be, if i fall, the more hurt I will be equals the more pain the more anger and my anger is something to be feared, i fear it even. I remind myself of CARRIE. I feel so passionately intense, I dont even know. Maybe that’s normal. Probably not. But to give us a fair chance or a good chance it doesnt hekp for me to always be on the defensive and suspicion. He left us for 4 years. I cheated first that we know of. I was engaged to someone else when we went away to work 12 years ago as I was a bad drug addict I got sober enough to get pregnant and we got married. I was 25 then. I knew him 10 years before that. We’ve seriously created so much bullshit to get thru. So that’s why I’ve held on so hard, is bc I an guilty as well. And I felt so deeply that we could have been so great, I’m holding on to what I dreamt it could be, and I dont want to let go, bc I want it bad enough I can get it.
ele4phant May 7, 2019, 12:42 pm
“but after being abandoned w a 3 yr old and an infant out of state away from any of my family and friends left for another woman he met at work and lied ab still lies ab things often,”
Yeah, so this is your problem.
Your husband is the problem, not your brother-in-law’s girlfriend, some woman neither you or your husband have met yet.
Leave this man and find your self-respect.
ron April 22, 2019, 10:53 am
I think solo therapy for yourself can help, but you need to end this marriage-in-name-only. You’ve been unhappy for years, there’s been cheating, you feel alone, back-stabbed, and totally unsupported emotionally by your husband. You’re hanging onto the marriage. Why? You say he’s never going to get it, and I agree that after twelve years of dysfunction, he’s highly unlikely to change, even if he agreed to try marriage counseling. I think that’s especially true if he is a narcissist — that’s unlikely to change at basically age 40, after 12 years of marriage, and I’m imagining close to constant complaints from you. I can’t imagine why you would want to hang onto this ‘marriage’. At 37 you have over half your life ahead of you. Don’t keep living it like this.
LW May 7, 2019, 10:57 am
:**( thanks for caring, Ron. It just makes me sad. Divorce is like a death. I’m not ready to say goodbye. I cant bury us dead so I should stop burying us alive.
dinoceros April 22, 2019, 10:58 am
I sympathize with you, but it sort of sounds like you’ve chosen to be unhappy for years. You sound like you hate your husband. So, then why are you still together? If he brings you that much unhappiness, why haven’t you gotten a divorce? You can hate this woman all you want, but her behavior wouldn’t really matter if you had a better husband.
Sure, marriage counseling seems nice, but I also think that you probably hate him too much for it to work at this point, honestly. And if he’s that narcissistic, then I doubt it’s going to change much. It’s hard to reverse 12 years of bad behavior, especially since that often just means that’s who they are as a person.
So, you can choose to continue being unhappy with him or not. Not much else out there.
dinoceros April 22, 2019, 10:58 am
By my last sentence, I mean there aren’t other options besides staying or leaving.
LW May 7, 2019, 11:00 am
Diniceros, well said and I agree.
Bittergaymark April 22, 2019, 11:35 am
PS — the girl who sent the “slutty jezebel” video did NOT do something even remotely wrong…. FACT: she is utterly blameless in a truly blameless situation. This is all tedious bullshit dreamed up by a rather deranged LW. End of story.
LW May 7, 2019, 11:18 am
Simmer down, and yes she did. There are unspoken rules of acceptable and unacceptable ways to interact they are just so small people dont have to say them bc to say so itd be like, duh, what do you think I am done kinda first time in this world,.. there are different types of people in the world. It’s best when you dont kbow them to assume they are the highest unspoken understood leve l of rules. You dont just want to go around offebd ed everybody just bc you’re a laid back loose slut. Not actually you by you I mean one. Meaning, you’re in a man man relationship right or not and thsys fine and good with me, I dont care where you put your penis as long as it’s not w against anyone else’s rights… and no matter how loose or tight (probably a bad choice of words, lieiant or strict you are on your man probably has to do with how secure you feel in your relationship, ok, so understand evan can not make me into something that wasnt already within me to begin with ok but thru our experiences and what I have gone thru he has created a monster out of the bad I had to cook with. So one should assume a respectful stance not knowing the people well or at all and should operate from the most respectful and most modest of crazy things to do. We are married. Wgat she did was at most was rude, it was careless, she offended me and alot of wives would be thinking who is this bitch, without the tantrum, and at minimum she was stupid or ignorant of such social rules. GF, you dont know me, but she should know ab me, and dont be sending fucked off videos unless you want me sending “accidently sexy but I can claim I didnt know” videos too. Which reminds me whoever got the idea I’m an ugly girl being jealous that is not true. I’m 5’7 blonde hair blue eyes built like Olivia Wayne is it John or newton in Grease, at 120 lbs, and my face is pretty, I’m not beautiful, but I’m attractive. I’m the youngest best looking mom at my kids school hands down. Humble too ;). Jk. But all the kids tell my 5th and 3rd grade I look like I’m 17. So it’s not that. Its honestly just it was not polite to send it wasnt, it wasn’t a huge deal but it was not cool. Bittergaymark, would you like it if my husband sent a video to your man that was arousing? Maybe u would but it’s fair to say and shouldcbecassuned by a stranger that you wouldn’t. If that makes me bat shit crazy then bust out the mascara or something funny to say. Thx for playing though mark. I get your points I do. But try to get mine it’s not insane or so far from a way alot of women or men would feel.
Bittergaymark May 7, 2019, 12:16 pm
You are batshit fucking crazy. Seriously. This epic long rant you just posted proves that for all the world to see, sweetie. Yikes. Just yikes!
Skyblossom April 22, 2019, 11:36 am
I’m guessing that the video wasn’t intended to be a come on to your husband. The intent is to show him just how hot and sexy his brother’s girlfriend is. The point is to show off what the brother is getting and to possibly make your husband jealous. Look at it as a pathetic attempt to brag. It’s also sad that this is the one thing she wanted your husband to know about her. Her identity is wrapped up in being the hot, sexy one. She probably has nothing else and won’t handle aging well.
I think your marriage has been over for years in every way but legally. You don’t like him and don’t respect him. He probably feels the same way about you. Why spend the rest of your life with someone who will never have your back?
I’d try counseling for yourself just to figure out what you want and to help you deal with the anger. In the meantime figure out your finances and think about where you would live if you do decide to get a divorce.
Leon April 22, 2019, 12:04 pm
I think you are on point. Probably the brother sent the video, expecting the husband to get jealous on her sexy and slutty new gf.
Whatever it is, I think LW should go to therapy and get a divorce.
Jessica Clausen May 2, 2019, 4:36 pm
Just for the record, I’m a sexy hot bitch too. Just saying. But I’m not trying to be shallow. And yall awa right, I was overreacting, I still agree w myself but the points you all bring up are so much more what really matters and reading the truth I knew to be the truth but hearing you all say it, complete strangers, made it that much more real and that made me sad. I sometimes wonder how much of this is me, what if I am just driving this man crazy with my constant complaints and what if at the end if my life I see that I was wrong.. that would break my heart and it would have been my whole life, ok not my whole life, but the part that I always dreamt of the part I would pick to live again and again is the being a wife and a mother part. Everybody was so kind really except for that one guy who keeps talking shit but I get his point I am half crazy or I can at least lose my temper and become batshit and to base your opinion off this small piece of my rantings it makes sense yes I completely flew off the handle disguising my pain and sadness as anger to distract myself from the fact that my heart hurts. I wanted my husband to love me. I’ve always been loved adored even by all my previous boyfriends. I’m adored now. I am a humble well I am a kind person but I am brutally honest too and just to yall who imagine me “ugly” I hate that word, as well as the word hate, fat, stupid, etc… but that’s another subject… I’m 5’7, 120 lbs, naturally blonde, and a body that looks like you got a victorias secret magazine and shook it and I fell out of there. Shame on me for saying so. I am skinner than I’d like to be but anyways the point of me saying that is I’m desired, better looking than his bil gf really if I struggled with physical self esteem I would literally be embarrassing myself having atantrum. That’s so not cute of meeither. I can be pretty ridiculous and working on my maturity as to when I have to deal with things that make me cringe has and still is something I continue to work on. I can say this, I am honest with myself ab who I am how I act and I am guilty alot so many times I have behaved in an unbecoming manner passed that even and I am ashamed of that truly. Bc it’s not fair to be willing to fit throw to bully my view or demand my feelings be most important bc they aren’t. I’m no more entitled to a fucking thing than anyone else. And I love people I truly do and yall are right this is years worth of shit that I found a small thing I couid try to cram it all into and I was not so mad at the girl I thought she just made a poor decision that lacked class and respect most women would know but as I say this I say to myself, mirror. I still think it was rude but I didnt have to take her his and his not polite and raise them 1000. I have always wished I had the brakes to stop and put into words that injure noone that dont compromise my or anyone else’s integrity and just simply make a point in such a way that extended respect to all but also drew my line in a way that made people agree and want to do whatever I said. There I go again trying to get people to feel a certain way. Wendy you asked some questions I have been avoiding. But they are excellent questions even I don’t know the answers too. Its overdue I take that time and answer those for myself bc all this fussing with no plan is wasting my life and his. And I do love myhusband, I’m dont think I like him, bc I guess what I was originally saying is that I dont feek like he really likes me. My momma always said when I grew up to marry someone who treasured me. 🙁 I am used to being adored by my men but my husband has kept me at arms length and it just ate away at me and festered into this awful disgusting wound. Oh, and I’ve held on out ofguilt, out of wanting it so badly to work. Bc I believe so hard, I just cannot let go bc maybe I hsvebt done my best, I believe incommitment, and I dont think you leave somebody while they are sick, he is sick as am I. I wanted it to work for my kids yes I realize two happy homes are better than oneunhappy, and I stay bc I know these problems I dont know the alternative what if its worse? Statistically speaking people divorce thinking now they are free and life will improve and its not always so, women often become poorer and s whole age group of women are left with no one to dste bc tgeur age men are w 20 somethings also then dating brings other people into my life and my kids lives I was molested from age 6 to 12 and oh yeah… I’m pregnant. Before you all speak I had a stillborn baby boy 2 years ago and that was something i dont hsve time to get into now but … I didbt mean to be selfish but we see excited I’m scared to be too excited but there is enough love between us he just has to stop this I just have to stop that you know major next to impossible demons to beat etc etc. I just need to find a way to be happy and it will fall into place I’ve been too sensitive and and him not enough. Gotta go get mygirls. Ttyl. Thank you all so much I really appreciate all your feedback I need that I love truth it is like nourishment to my soul.,,
ele4phant May 2, 2019, 5:47 pm
Perhaps it was in there and I just skimmed over it, but what was the video actually of? Was it her pantomiming making out with the camera, or her making out with your BIL?
Inquiring minds want to know…
Bittergaymark May 2, 2019, 7:57 pm
Thank God you are so wonderfully modest about your appearance… 😉
Dear Wendy April 22, 2019, 12:39 pm
That’s a lot of assumption about a woman based on a 4-second video!
keyblade April 22, 2019, 3:03 pm
She’s only been a girlfriend for five days. I doubt either one of them put any amount of time or thought into worrying about coming across as outrageous or gross to his family. A four second raunchy video suggests an impulsive young woman who is thinking about hard as a 90’s sophomore college student that ended up on a girls gone wild video. (Anyone else thinking about the magician/ spring break episode of Arrested Development?)
Skyblossom April 22, 2019, 2:51 pm
The way I’m reading the letter is that the girlfriend is the one who sent the video. This is the way she chose to introduce herself to family members of her boyfriend. I can’t think of anyone who chose to introduce themselves to a partner’s family in even a remotely similar way. The only thing she showed about herself was that she was hot and sexy. Why would you choose that to be the only thing you portray about yourself? Because that is what you want known about yourself. If she had chosen to smile at the camera and say hi and hope to meet you soon it would be a different statement. She could even dress sexy without explicitly sticking her tongue in her boyfriend’s mouth. She could have chosen to portray herself as sexy, warm, friendly and happy. She went straight for “we need to get a room” sexy.
If she took the video but the BIL chose to send it then maybe she knows nothing about it being sent and this is only about the BIL wanting to show his brother what he is getting. I’m assuming it’s both.
In either case it isn’t about the LW. It’s about provoking a response from her husband. My best guess is it is to make him jealous or to say he is getting something less than his brother which could be a put down of the LW as in she isn’t as desirable or as hot or as sexy. It isn’t about the girlfriend wanting the husband or coming on to the husbad. This is more of a “we are so hot together and we want to cram that down your throat” type video.
Ange April 22, 2019, 5:07 pm
Or maybe she was a bit grossed out by a bloke she’d never met asking for a picture of her and decided to point out she was very much with someone else? Especially if the BIL has shared any of the husband’s exploits with her.
dinoceros April 22, 2019, 6:38 pm
I agree that she probably wasn’t trying to come on to the LW’s husband. Particularly since she’s apparently never met him before.
But I think it’s excessively mean to try to say that she’s not going to age well and has nothing else in her identity besides being sexy. Some people like to be silly. I don’t know if you’re just trying to make the LW feel better or if you actually think that making a short sexy video means that you have nothing else going for you besides your looks, but I don’t think it’s really necessary or relevant to the question.
LW May 7, 2019, 11:34 am
Here’s what the t ed x said and I will see if the video is still there to post. The text read, something like, evan: you got a new gf, let me see a pic, Spencer replies, here she said this is better than a pic, slutty gf makes beat it video of her intently intentionally staring into camera like a regular porn skank woukd do and she kisses Spencer with tongue very blatantly for the video . It was weird. It makes you cringe. It was on spencers phone so I’m guessing he sent it but she was right there when it happened it was her idea her production. Shes a dumb tramp for that, maybe not in general, probably not, but in that moment which is what i have to go from to judge her which I wouldn’t do if it didbt bother mepersonally, that’s what I think. I mean yall are basing your opinions of me based on what I’ve given you to go by. I’m not so much mad at her, I just find her a fool and I’m not impressed, but I could fix that easily and quickly with her and wed be fine, my problem was with evan and him not ever considering me or our relationship.
Bittergaymark April 22, 2019, 11:41 am
Boy, some of you sure are projecting an awful lot of bizarre shit onto some hapless woman based on the deranged rantings of a total whackjob over a silly and innocuous FOUR SECOND clip.
Leon April 22, 2019, 12:06 pm
Don’t underestimate the symbolic power of small gestures. Also it’s funny to fantasize about the reasons.
LW May 7, 2019, 11:40 am
You dont have to agree or even not be a complete shit head mark but your acting just like me. If you live on the surface and can give no understanding then maybe that’s how you have been treated. Maybe you just are what someone calls you. In your opinion. Going by your example. Get bent. And get something better to do. This isn’t even your issue and your all up in it. I’m sorry if you dont accept me and the fact that maybe you can’t just put it all in a nutshell and say case closed shes a whackjob, I can still accept that you have chosen the role you are playing and that has no effect on anything
CurlyQue April 22, 2019, 11:52 am
WWS. Also…couples counseling to work through your myriad of issues (which this video isn’t one). I will say it’s a little weird that your husband asked for a picture of his brother’s girlfriend in the first place.
Really though i think divorce is where you’re headed and you’ll probably feel so relieved when this unhappy marriage is over.
ele4phant April 22, 2019, 1:35 pm
What a weird situation.
How weird that the brother would send a video (and it WAS the brother who sent this, not the new GF, correct? At the very least it came from his phone, right?) of himself and his new girlfriend making out as her introduction to his brother.
How weird that you would assume that this “jezebel” decided to make this specific video with your husband as the sole audience in mind. Probably they made this video for themselves or to post on social media for the whole world to see how hot their love is, and then her boyfriend sent it to his brother and she may have no idea.
How weird that you would consider a video of people making out to be porn.
How weird that you would assume she was trying to seduce your husband, someone she has not met, when she is ACTIVELY MAKING OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
How strange that you took what is basically a “Nice job getting that chick bro!” as a personal insult against you.
You and your husband clearly have marital issues, but how you are making this video as a personal affront to you is a huge reach on your part.
Your husband may be a narcissist, but he’s not twisting what you say to make you sound crazy. You just straight up sound crazy, at least in this specific instance.
Go to counseling, get divorced, I don’t know.
ele4phant April 22, 2019, 1:39 pm
At best I would find this tasteless. Like, guys get a room. No one needs to be sent a video of you two giving each other a dental exam.
But your brother-in-law is equally, if not more, responsible here, and while it’s kinda crass in no world can I see how this is a personal offense to you or your marriage, nor can I see how it’s all that titillating for your husband.
Gwen April 22, 2019, 2:17 pm
I read the video as her looking at it and sticking her tongue out, which the OP read as sticking it in her husbands mouth?
Dear Wendy April 22, 2019, 3:18 pm
That was my understanding of it, too.
ele4phant April 22, 2019, 4:04 pm
Oh – I totally read it that the new girlfriend was jamming her tongue down her *boyfriend’s* mouth (aka, the husband’s brother), while seductively looking at the camera.
OP’s reaction would be even MORE bizarre to me if it was the girlfriend sticking her tongue out at the video for a four second clip. How can you tell in four seconds that the woman is miming making out with the husband (again – someone she’s not met), instead of just playfully sticking her camera for a video?
How can she tell from four seconds that the girlfriend made it specifically for the husband (AGAIN – A MAN SHE’S NEVER MET), instead of playfully mugging for her boyfriend’s camera, and the boyfriend sending his brother that video?
And finally, if it was clear that she was miming making out with the husband and that he was the intended audience, how on earth would her her boyfriend (aka the man’s brother), be cool with that message?
dinoceros April 22, 2019, 6:41 pm
I thought that it meant she was putting her tongue in the boyfriend’s mouth. If it’s just sticking her tongue out, then I think that the LW might be deranged, TBH. Sticking your tongue out isn’t always sexual. Maybe the girlfriend just didn’t know what to do after being awkwardly asked to take a photo for her boyfriend’s brother…
ele4phant April 22, 2019, 7:21 pm
I mean, maybe she was actively doing one of those faces where she’s coming up to the camera and pretending to slobber all over it? You know, like a 7 year old might pretend to kiss all over a camera because that’s funny to them?
If that’s what she was doing, my first instinct would be that she was trying to be funny – and maybe has an immature sense of humor. But I wouldn’t think she was trying to seduce someone she doesn’t know through the camera. How can any adult seriously think pantomiming making out with the air is sexually enticing, either to do or as something to watch?
I still think she and the BF were making out for the camera, but I could be wrong.
LW May 7, 2019, 11:42 am
WRONG, EH EH, TRY AGAIN, BACK OF THE LINE.
lovelygirl April 22, 2019, 2:09 pm
Get some therapy to understand why you choose to stay with your husband. Unfortunately narcissists do not change and their behavior is a pattern. He will cheat again, he will continue to disrespect you, and he will never be the man you want him to be. Learn to accept this or figure out an exit strategy from this marriage. Best of luck to you.
Hazel April 22, 2019, 2:54 pm
the video is really not out of the norm when I look at what some young folk send all over the place these days, and I can totally imaging my partner saying “well I like HER!” on seeing it (surprising, sort of funny, might be a fun person who knows kind of way) without it being in anyway disrespectful. But the video isn’t the problem as everyone has pointed out. Is it possible that it sticks in your craw so because it reminds you of the fun loving person you might have been if not stuck in a relationship which is bring you and your partner little but misery? if so it is definitely not too late to get out regroup and start over. You’ve a lot of life left. Don’t waste it.
LW May 7, 2019, 11:46 am
Thx. And read below I just updated on how it went. But yes long story short it was tasteless ,perfect word, from her, but the real issue is all the shit I’ve gone thru from my husband and how to sort thru all the terrible ways it’s made me feel and I have chosen to act bc of.
Pheebers April 22, 2019, 4:22 pm
Is anyone EVER happy when married to a narcissist? I’ve never heard of a case.
TaraMonster April 22, 2019, 4:41 pm
Yeah marriage to a narcissist is pretty well documented to be miserable. I don’t know if her husband is actually diagnosed or if she’s just decided he has NPD. It’s also pretty normal for the partner of someone with NPD to experience so much gaslighting that they don’t trust their instincts when it comes to their partners. However, this LW sounds pretty independently unhinged and I think she needs to sort her own mental health out in therapy. And get a divorce. This toxic marriage has clearly been over for a long time.
Selene April 23, 2019, 3:27 am
Yeah, this LW doesn’t sound like someone who’s married to a narcissist, as the people who fall victim are usually gaslighted so much that that they become deeply insecure in a “I think I deserve this” kind of way. She’s insecure alright, but in an aggressive way, ready to attack. If anyone is acting narcissistic here it’s the LW, who thinks the video was directed as a slight against her. Of course there’s no way of knowing, but to me, it doesn’t look like that’s the case. It sounds more like the husband is just plain disrespectful towards her, but that doesn’t make him a narcissist.
And seriously, if the video was indeed just her staring at the camera and sticking her tongue out, albeit in a sexy way, it does make the LW sound very unhinged, but given the problems in their marriage (the cheating, the disrespect, the lack of trust) it’s understandable. It’s also very common to lash out against the perceived threat (calling her Jezebel, bitch, slutty) for something relatively minor. In a happy marriage, this would be a non-issue.
So yes, councelling, ASAP. If your husband doesn’t want to go with you, go alone. Though with 12 unhappy ears under your belt, I’d be seriously thinking about a divorce.
LW May 7, 2019, 11:46 am
Hell no they aren’t
Fyodor April 22, 2019, 7:53 pm
A lot of people are taking the rest of her complaints about the husband at face value after she went batsh*t over her husband’s refusal to “take her side” over a nonexistent slight. I mean, maybe the husband is a narcissist or maybe she’s always flipping out about things and becoming enraged that her husband won’t go along with it.
LW May 7, 2019, 11:51 am
Fyodor, it’s both. I think I’m being pretty fair on both sides I’m not telling it like I’m an angel and hes satan. Of course I speak from my standpoint. There are three sides to every story, his side her side and the truth. Doesnt mean I’m lying I may not be right while I believe I am and Vise versa. Thats understood. But I assure you what I’m saying Carrie’s alot of weight behind it. Why would I lie to get advice based upon untrue statements. Unless all for evidence to show my husband that I’m right and he sucks, I doubt hed read it and be like. Oh I do suck, well better hop on changing that. Thx for opening my eyes brooke.
Emma Thompson April 23, 2019, 4:54 am
You should leave your husband and look farther.
LW May 7, 2019, 12:01 pm
I probably should. But I’ve behaved pretty terribly. Who was terrible first, that could go on forever. And it could be both. We fucked our relationship up early on. And then made it worse. The problem is communication. I do all of it and he does none hence my frustration. I’ve got heart. Hes got manipulation tactics. Its crazy making. Hes not been kind, hes cheated me from having a real marriage truly. And I’m an easy victim for it, narcissists choose empaths for a reason.. I want my family to turn around and everything I’ve ever let go had claw Mark’s in it. I fight for what I want and I dont believe in all these we give up cause it was hard marriages to me that’s not right it’s not what I promised to do. But to get what I want I need to be what I want. I havent mastered that yet. When I do then u can let it go bc I have to make sure I do t throw it away bc I was trippin. I thank you though. Thank you for seeing my point.
CET April 23, 2019, 7:00 am
Wow your BIL and his girlfriend are classy. You should just think of them as nutcases and roll your eyes at them….even make fun of them. But the real problem here is it sounds like your marriage is not going well. You can try marriage counseling WITH your husband and alone. He has to want to change. You have things you need to work on (insecurity). Or you can leave him and make a new life. These are basically your two options if you want to be happy again. (If your husband is really a narcissist just leave him…Narcissists are the worst. You can do better. )
LW May 7, 2019, 12:03 pm
You’re absolutely right. Much love to you.
Laura Williams April 24, 2019, 6:55 am
Its not a good sign , be alert. Watch your husband moments.
LW May 7, 2019, 12:05 pm
Wgats this? My mind of girl. What’s moments, like some kind of replay into his reactions to things on fb or something? I’m all up in hid Google activity and timeline. Much less now cause thst shit is craxymaking too and all he does I’d deny and say it was logged onto my friend computer. Which is possible. But I think I have him pegged.
LW May 7, 2019, 12:06 pm
Its been great talking and I will come back but I’ve got to get some things done today. Peace and love to you all even you BGM.
anonymousse May 7, 2019, 12:38 pm
You need to see a doctor for your mental health.
You also should leave your husband. He abandoned you with a three year old and an infant for another woman AND THEN you took him back? You don’t have to work on being trusting! He’s not worthy of your trust. You say it’s hard to get divorced- you will never feel happy or secure with a man who left you high and dry like that. The distrust you have for him is making you volatile and crazy. You can choose to change your circumstances-or not. Stop with the platitudes, he’s trash. There’s no fixing this. He fucked up and destroyed your relationship when he left you like that. You’re focusing on his brother’s new gf, but that’s not your problem. Because you will always be looking for ways to be hurt or see he’s doing something wrong, you flipped out about this stupid 4 second video. That’s not the issue you need to address.
Sorry I Made Things Awkward May 7, 2019, 2:01 pm
After reading the letter and all the comments, I’m emotionally exhausted for LW. The way she lives inside her head, waiting for the other show to drop is no way to be. I was her for a very brief time in my early 20s. I dated an emotionally abusive guy, the relationship destroyed my self esteem, made me feel and act crazy and it took me a very long time to recover from.
What LW lives with daily is so much worse than what I did in 6 months, it’s so ingrained in her it’s become a part of her.
The video is a non issue here. The girlfriend isn’t a slut or a bitch. Name calling a woman for kissing her own boyfriend, that HE recorded and HE sent to her dirtbag husband is just as tacky as BIL taking and sending the video. Have some class. Direct your anger appropriately.
Your husband is a dirtbag. It doesn’t matter how pretty you are or how your old boyfriends adored you, the man you chose to marry, procreate with and spend the last 12yrs with doesn’t respect you. He cheated on you and left you with 2 kids. You should still not trust him. You still should be mad. That’s not something you are going to get over. You shouldn’t get over it. You should leave. You should remind yourself of who you were before him. Remind yourself that you deserve a man who loves you above all else. Someone who you don’t feel the need to check up on. Someone who would never walk away from you no matter how many “harlots” try to tempt him away.
I feel for you LW. If I had stayed with my ex, I could be you. I remember how you probably feel everyday. You seem intelligent and self aware to an extent, your anger clouds that and is poison.
You won’t even realize how good things can be until you get some space. Being with someone who is your best friend, your biggest fan, who loves all the things you think are broken in you and doesn’t think they are broken is literally the best feeling in the world. You deserve that.