A few months ago I fostered a beautiful tabby cat who unfortunately passed away due to a chronic illness, and I was totally devastated. For days I was in tears but would purposefully try to hide my pain because I knew that I had zero emotional support from either daughter. Rather, they would both walk past me when I was sobbing and would sneer at me in an evil manner while saying, “Okaaayy… awkward!”
Just last night my older one screamed and scared the “bejeebers” out of me while I was mopping up the poop stains from the floor of the room where HER poodle sleeps. She was mad because I had used some of her makeup and had failed to tell her about it. I was going to mention it to her soon but then never got a chance, and I really didn’t think she would care that much about it. I told her that I simply wanted to try some of her sample products that she had received in the mail and that I was planning to return them. However, she had nothing to do with that. She was fuming and her voice was shaking with rage. I quietly returned the three small items to her and just stood there with the mop still in my hand – totally numb and feeling like the piece of shit that I had just cleaned up.
These are just a few small examples – there are many more far worse ones….believe me!!!
They have all the money in the world and have the best of everything that her dad and I have provided them with, yet quite obviously they seem so unhappy and hateful when it come to dealing with me. Sometimes I truly feel that if I did not exist in their lives, they would be delighted. However, they love their dad to the end of the universe and back, and they emphatically remind me about this. Unfortunately, their dad (my husband) doesn’t support me in this matter, and he says that it’s “all my fault” because I don’t behave the way a mature mother should behave. I seriously don’t understand what that means as I have always tried my best to be a good mother to them. After all, they are my own flesh and blood and I do love them despite their obnoxious behavior towards me.
At this point however, it has become very difficult for me to continue fostering feelings of love when I get only hatred in return. — Disrespected Mom
Your daughters sound spoiled, disrespectful, and completely enabled. At this point though and at the ages they are now and with a husband who also doesn’t seem to respect you or support you and probably enables and spoils them more than you do, I’m not sure what you can do. If it were I, I’d divorce the unsupportive husband, leave the family, and let them finally clean up their own damn messes and cook their own food. If you are intent on staying put, you should stop cleaning up after everyone, assign household chores (including days that each person is responsible for cooking a meal), charge the 23-year-old rent, make the 17-year-old get a job when it’s safe to do so, stop giving these freeloaders “all the money in the world,” schedule an appointment with a therapist to explore why you’ve put up with the kind of abuse you seem to have for who knows how long, and also demand justice for Breonna Taylor (which is simply something everyone should be doing, including you).
Also, there aren’t “victims of the BLM movement.” There are victims of police brutality, victims of white supremacy, and victims of racism. If your daughter was crying over any of those victims, I would call that basic humanity and not “extreme empathy.” There’s nothing “extreme” about being moved by examples of gross abuse of power and the constant murdering of Black people at the hands of police, and if you think there is, then that puts your judgment in question and makes me wonder what else in your letter has been mischaracterized. Perhaps you and your daughters have completely different sets of values and their attitude toward you and their lack of respect for you stems from that, especially as we find ourselves in a cultural moment of reckoning. However, you are the parent and your home is your home, not theirs. If they’re going to continue living under your roof, you must give them rules to follow and demand respect for those rules. And if they can’t abide and if your husband doesn’t back you up, I would again urge you to consider moving out on your own.
P.S. Don’t use your daughter’s stuff without asking.