After I left to move, Greg called me everyday, and continued to make future plans. When I had been gone approximately two months I pushed for a more concrete timeline and that’s when he dropped the bomb: he was not sure if he wanted to move. But he still loved me and had all the feelings for me and did not want to break up. Fast forward to a week after that bombshell and he drops another: he would not be moving and did not want a long distance relationship. He ended it.
I was/am devastated. I got permission from my job to travel and work from home and returned back to our formerly shared home (his house) to try and work things out. It was a disaster. He told me he did not want me to leave my job to come back to him. He told me if I moved in with him that he was afraid I would eventually leave and take half his house. If we ever had children, he was afraid that I would leave and take them away from him. He felt like I was making him responsible for my happiness and that he couldn’t decide right then and there if he wanted to be with me forever. It ended very badly with an hours’ long fight and him eventually telling me that he didn’t love me, he had never loved me, he was done with me, and he never wanted to see me or speak to me again.
I returned back to my new location. I tried reaching out (too much!) with repeated calls and emails for about another month. He told me if I ever again tried to make contact he would call the police, report me for harassment and have me fired from my job. Needless to say, I stopped contacting him. I’ve entered therapy. But I still miss him so much. The last I heard he is seeing someone new and has totally moved on.
I am struggling to decide if I should move back home (all my friends and family are there) or if I should stay in my new location (which I hate). I know the only chance we would ever have to be together is if I moved back home. But given what he has said, any reconciliation seems unlikely. I know I should give up and move on but part of me still thinks we could be together if only I was there in person. Part of me thinks the only thing that broke us up was the distance. If I close the distance we could be together again. What should I do? — Lost and Devastated
I know how you’re feeling; I’ve been there as I bet a lot of us have. You’re hurting, grieving, feeling rejected, and like the rug has been pulled out from under you. If you’re like I am, you probably feel a loss of control, which is a really uncomfortable feeling, and are desperate to take any action that might give you back a sense of some of that lost control. The most challenging thing you can do right now is the best thing for you: lean in to the uncertainty. Resist the urge to fix it and get everything back on track. Your relationship is 100% over and you are not going to get it back. Moving back home will not resurrect your relationship. It will not give you back the future you were imagining. That future wasn’t real and it didn’t belong to you. What belongs to you is what you’re building right now and you owe it to yourself to see what develops. There’s so much beauty in the possibilities. Embrace the gift of potential.
There is zero – and I mean zero – potential with Greg. He doesn’t love you, he doesn’t miss you, and he never wants you back in his life. And, frankly, I can’t imagine that you want the version of yourself you’ve become in relation to him. Let that version go. Let it all go. Releasing the possibility of ever getting back together with Greg won’t make the pain disappear. You’ll hurt for a while (this doesn’t mean giving up the fight is the wrong choice), but in letting go, your gains will eventually be much bigger than the pain, starting with your dignity.
Stay where you are. Give it at least a year. It’s only been seven months and you’ve spent that entire time obsessing over Greg. You don’t say where you moved, but everywhere on earth has been experiencing a pandemic, the peak of which likely hit soon after your move, and that’s a difficult time to embrace a new home. Things are calming down now. What could life in your new home be like post-pandemic and post-break-up? What could life be like now that you’re no longer tethered to a relationship that had no real future? The possibilities are endless! Lean in to the possibilities, the potential, the gift of uncertainty, however uncomfortable and even painful it might feel right now. It won’t always feel that way. Eventually, the pain and discomfort give way to something much better: excitement!
If, a year from now, you still hate where you live, then explore leaving. Maybe that means returning home. Maybe it means going somewhere else. If you do return home, I hope that a year from now you’d do so with nary a thought of Greg. As long as he guides your decisions, you won’t be happy or satisfied because there is no possibility of happiness with him. He’s made that abundantly clear.
First, things seemed off when she avoided meeting me several times and Chad seemed perplexed by her behavior. However, I remained open to meeting. Our first encounter was brief and she was incredibly rude, cutting me off while I was making conversation. The second meeting was at her home, where she invited us for a BBQ. During this interaction she cut me off, diminished anything I tried to discuss, made rude comments about my race (which seemed odd because her boyfriends are the same race as I am), and brought up deeply painful experiences Chad had told her about me during the dinner party (I’ve since asked Chad to not tell her stuff). At one point she ignored her boyfriend and me to give my boyfriend a special treat, which Chad shared with me.I was deeply unsettled by the whole experience, but I didn’t have the heart or understanding to say something to my boyfriend. I met Jill again, and she was nicer that time, but there was still an edge with her. She still buys my boyfriend expensive, elaborate gifts, and she forces her boyfriend to hang out with Chad and participate in hobbies that are solely Chad’s but which she wants to be heavily involved in. I finally told Chad I believed that even though he and Jill have been broken up for years, it’s obvious she’s still crazy in love with him. He seemed totally shocked. He doesn’t have many friends, and I feel guilty for making this situation awkward, but from my perspective it seems like she has an agenda. Did I make the right decision? Am I being overly sensitive or jealous? — Not a Fan of His Ex
I’m confused. What was the decision that you made? All you did was tell Chad that it seems like Jill is still crazy in love with him, right? You didn’t break up with him, did you? Or forbid him to see her or make any decision that might change the situation? So, I’m not sure what you’re asking, but, you know, any time there’s a third person in a relationship whose presence and behavior makes one of the people in the relationship uncomfortable, there’s trouble. You’re uncomfortable with Jill’s presence and behavior. You’ve now made that explicit to Chad. What he does with that information should guide what you do next. If nothing changes, *then* you have a decision to make: stay or go. You can’t forbid Chad to see his friend. You can’t force him to change the boundaries of this friendship. You can’t change his behavior or Jill’s behavior. What you can do is change your response to it. And if their relationship continues to disrupt your well-being and your relationship with Chad, even after you have made your feelings clear, move on. Who wants to be with someone who is ok with a racist friend, anyway?