Long story short, I have been sleeping with her a couple times a month for the past year and haven’t told her I’ve had a vasectomy. I feel like I am a complete a-hole for not telling her about the vasectomy, but I like the relationship we have now. Honestly, if we got along like we are now before we got divorced, we probably wouldn’t have been divorced. We are both in our early 40s, so I am worried she may lose her chance to have another baby if she wastes time with me. I guess I agreed not just for the sex but because I still have feelings for her, which is probably why I feel so bad about not telling her about the vasectomy. Honestly, I wouldn’t mind having a baby with her again if it were possible. Maybe I can get a vasectomy reversal? I read they can be done.
I never intended to hurt her or my daughter. I didn’t want to be divorced either, so maybe I was subconsciously trying to “get back” at her. I don’t know. Is there any way to fix this after messing up so horribly? — Complete A-Hole
It depends on what you want to fix. If it’s the relationship that ended in divorce that you never wanted to end and now would like to have back, the answer is no, that ship has sailed. If you want to fix the fact that you’ve basically stolen a year of your ex-wife’s remaining fertility, the answer is no, that ship has sailed, too. If you want to fix your behavior and the underlying psychological issues — like selfishness and pettiness —that have influenced your terrible behavior, the answer is maybe, but only if you commit to the hard work that that is going to take, including therapy, a shit ton of self-reflection, and taking responsibility for your actions.
You can start taking responsibility for your actions by admitting to your ex that you’ve been lying to her for the last year and letting her believe you were capable of impregnating her while you knew you were not. Of course, this will complicate your relationship, including your co-parenting relationship, and you both will have to work extra hard to not let that affect your daughter. You will have to apologize, express extreme regret, and accept that your ex will likely be very hurt and angry and you will deserve her anger. Again, there is little to no chance that your ex will want to renew a romantic relationship with you again, but there’s still a chance, if you act with regret and humility, that a cordial relationship – or, at least, a civil co-parenting relationship — can be re-established in time, but that’s going to take a whole lot of letting bygones be bygones on your ex’s part and emotional rehabilitation on yours.
A year later, with my heart still broken, I found a lawyer to help me with some legal papers concerning my home. We became friends. Every day we exchange emails and he has helped me get over my heartache. I finally got up the courage to ask him out, but he told me he never crosses lines with former or new clients. Wendy, he listens to all my fears and dreams without judgment or ridicule. He”a always there for me whenever I need him. He’s respectful and caring. What is so wrong with crossing lines? I am not his client anymore — one date will not destroy the world. I really doubt if he lose his license over one date. He told me he reads all my emails to him in the morning and then he re-reads them again at night. — Not His Client Anymore
But you don’t want just one date, right? I mean, what’s the point in one date when you already know each other and you’re already close friends? You want the one date to lead to something and your friend knows you well enough to know you aren’t in an emotional place to start a relationship. He is very wisely letting you know as kindly as possible that he isn’t interested in dating you right now, not because he doesn’t like you or isn’t attracted to you, but because he knows you still have a broken heart. He knows getting involved with a woman who has a broken heart, who happens to be both a friend and former client of his, will risk your personal and professional relationships.
You suffered an extreme betrayal by your sister and ex-fiancé. It’s understandable that you are broken-hearted and angry. And it’s understandable why someone would be leery of getting involved with you knowing that. Frankly, it’s commendable that your lawyer friend doesn’t want to take advantage of you. If you want to keep your lawyer friend in your life, dial back on sharing so many of your fears and dreams with him and consider sharing those feelings with a therapist who can help you work through a lot of those feelings and the aftermath of being so grossly betrayed the way you were.