The issue I have is that I want him back to make a family together but the new girlfriend seems to think that she can play second mom to my baby when he’s born in February and that she will have access whenever she likes. I want my ex at appointments and scans to have him involved as much as possible and to try to have him bond with his son. His family is very against me and are poisoning my ex against me and telling him to leave me and have nothing to do with me. Some days we get along and other days we argue and fight. He says I use our son as a weapon, which I don’t; I just try to get him to understand his new girlfriend won’t be playing second mom to my baby.
What can I do to make this easier for us both? It’s exhausting and breaks my heart that he’s with someone else and that when I try to talk about baby things, he is only interested when it suits him. He is more concerned about his new girlfriend and making her happy than about me and his unborn son. — One and One Mom-to-Be
You and your ex-boyfriend are never, ever going to be a couple again. You are not going to be a traditional family in the sense of living together and loving each other and being committed to one another. It’s just not going to happen. Your having a baby is not going to bring your ex back. He’s already made clear that he doesn’t want to be a dad and he doesn’t want to be with you. The very best you can hope for is that in time he will come to love his son and help care for him emotionally, physically, and financially. I think even that is probably a stretch, but if it does happen — if your son is lucky enough to have his father love him and care for him and want to be in his life, he and you both have to deal with whomever your ex shares his life with, whether that’s the girlfriend of the moment or some new woman. You don’t really get a say in it.
Right now your energy would be much better spent focusing on a healthy pregnancy and all the ways you can prepare to be a successful single mother. (Namely: put the pettiness aside; stop daydreaming about some fairytale family scenario with your ex that is never going to happen; get your financial ducks in a row; get an attorney to help with any potential custody and child support battles you might face.)
No woman needs a man who tries to control how she earns her income and how and with whom she spends her time. MOA before you’re writing in saying you’re married to the guy and have a baby, and he won’t let you leave the house, and you want to divorce him but you have no money and no way of supporting yourself, and you don’t want to lose custody of your child, so what should you do. That is a very likely scenario if you stay with this dude, so don’t stay with him. And since exotic dancing is something people eventually age out of and you’ve already been doing it for three years, I’d also suggest you start thinking about what the next chapter holds for you — not because your boyfriend wants you to quit, but because relying on a guy to replace an income you lose or have to give up should never, ever be your back-up plan.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.