Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“My Ex’s New Girlfriend Wants to Be my Baby’s Second Mom”

I broke up with my ex back in February. We later started seeing each other again but never rekindled our relationship. Then I found out I was pregnant in June and told him. At first he told me he wasn’t ready to be a dad, he had no intentions on fixing our relationship, and I should have an abortion. We continued to see each other for around 3-4 weeks after I told him. He then went on a date with another girl and has been seeing her ever since, and he is saying he has a 20% doubt that the baby is his, but he’s the only person I’ve had sex with. He told his new girlfriend about my being pregnant and she briefly left him, and but she went back to him after a week.

The issue I have is that I want him back to make a family together but the new girlfriend seems to think that she can play second mom to my baby when he’s born in February and that she will have access whenever she likes. I want my ex at appointments and scans to have him involved as much as possible and to try to have him bond with his son. His family is very against me and are poisoning my ex against me and telling him to leave me and have nothing to do with me. Some days we get along and other days we argue and fight. He says I use our son as a weapon, which I don’t; I just try to get him to understand his new girlfriend won’t be playing second mom to my baby.

What can I do to make this easier for us both? It’s exhausting and breaks my heart that he’s with someone else and that when I try to talk about baby things, he is only interested when it suits him. He is more concerned about his new girlfriend and making her happy than about me and his unborn son. — One and One Mom-to-Be

You and your ex-boyfriend are never, ever going to be a couple again. You are not going to be a traditional family in the sense of living together and loving each other and being committed to one another. It’s just not going to happen. Your having a baby is not going to bring your ex back. He’s already made clear that he doesn’t want to be a dad and he doesn’t want to be with you. The very best you can hope for is that in time he will come to love his son and help care for him emotionally, physically, and financially. I think even that is probably a stretch, but if it does happen — if your son is lucky enough to have his father love him and care for him and want to be in his life, he and you both have to deal with whomever your ex shares his life with, whether that’s the girlfriend of the moment or some new woman. You don’t really get a say in it.

Right now your energy would be much better spent focusing on a healthy pregnancy and all the ways you can prepare to be a successful single mother. (Namely: put the pettiness aside; stop daydreaming about some fairytale family scenario with your ex that is never going to happen; get your financial ducks in a row; get an attorney to help with any potential custody and child support battles you might face.)

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost three years; I stood by his side when he went to jail and have never cheated on him. I’m an exotic dancer now as I was when he met me, but now he does not want me going to work although he has no way of replacing my income. He says to give him time until he’s stable enough to do so and he seems to be very driven, but even just my going out with my friends or planning a trip with my girls bothers him. What do I do?! — Still an Exotic Dancer

 
No woman needs a man who tries to control how she earns her income and how and with whom she spends her time. MOA before you’re writing in saying you’re married to the guy and have a baby, and he won’t let you leave the house, and you want to divorce him but you have no money and no way of supporting yourself, and you don’t want to lose custody of your child, so what should you do. That is a very likely scenario if you stay with this dude, so don’t stay with him. And since exotic dancing is something people eventually age out of and you’ve already been doing it for three years, I’d also suggest you start thinking about what the next chapter holds for you — not because your boyfriend wants you to quit, but because relying on a guy to replace an income you lose or have to give up should never, ever be your back-up plan.

***************

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy​(AT)​dearwendy.com.

18 comments… add one
  • avatar

    JD November 9, 2018, 9:22 am

    LW1: Ya you need to drop the fantasy, it isn’t happening nor should you want it to at this point. Speak to an attorney now so you can proceed with paperwork being filed as soon as the baby is born. This man will do nothing. I’d be calling my attorney from the hospital bed telling him to file as soon as that baby was born. Seeing an ultrasound will not bond him more or make him change his mind. If he decides to be a father when the baby comes he can bond then.

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  • avatar

    dinoceros November 9, 2018, 9:52 am

    LW1: You can’t force someone to be in a relationship with you simply because you are having their baby, especially if you weren’t even together when you got pregnant. And unfortunately, yes, when you are co-parenting with someone you’re not in a relationship with, your child likely will form some sort of a relationship with that person’s partner. But you’re still their mom, so don’t let your paranoia take your focus away from the important things — parenting. You need to look at your relationship with this guy as a parent, not as worrying about your romantic life. And yes, pursue child support because someone who has to be forced to pretend to care about his kid is not going to willingly help out.

    LW2: Dump him.

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  • avatar

    Rebecca November 9, 2018, 9:56 am

    Dear both LWs: Please, for the love of little kittens, raise your standards in life-partners. Why on earth do you seem to think that this is the best you can/should do??

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  • TaraMonster

    TaraMonster November 9, 2018, 10:20 am

    PSA: Babies do not fix relationships. Do not have a baby to get your ex back. Also, using children as pawns is super shitty. Use birth control FFS.

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  • Cleopatra_30

    Cleopatra_30 November 9, 2018, 10:31 am

    LW1 your story is similar to one I read on reddit, but instead of the mother trying to get support and building up an idea in her mind, it was the father. He coerced the mother to keep the baby even though she didn’t want it. She never wanted custody or anything to do with the baby, but he did, HE wanted the baby not her. So she is paying %125 custody and has no contact, he has full custody of the boy. However he is trying to bring her back into the childs life because he find being a single parent tough. It is, however he wanted the baby he needs to take responsibility especially when the mother was explicit in her wishes to not have a baby. She is doing her due diligence to contribute financially for the baby, however she made it clear from the beginning she didn’t want it. Your scenario is awfully similar, he told you he didn’t want a baby, and he seems to be on the same page even after you are part way through your pregnancy. He has moved on. You need to as well, invite him when check-ups happen but don’t expect him to be there. Make sure you both have a civil conversation on moving forward when the baby is born, don’t be shocked if he doesn’t want anything, but he should pay child support regardless. See if you can get family and or friends to join you on appointments when he can’t, having a strong support system will be necessary. Ultimately he told he didn’t want the baby and to abort, you chose not to, and after he has moved on with another person and made it clear he is not wanting to rekindle anything you keep trying to bring him back in.

    reddit post if you’re interested: https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/5b79z4/nm_i_got_a_girl_pregnant_and_she_wanted_to_get_an/

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  • avatar

    Beth Hannah November 9, 2018, 10:55 am

    LW1: File for child support as soon as possible. You aren’t going to build a family with this guy. Take some parenting classes and get ready for the baby.

    I have a daughter with someone I was never in a relationship with. We coparent fairly well. He has a girlfriend and I am glad my daughter has more people in her life who love her and care for her. His girlfriend has strengths I don’t have and does stuff with her that I normally don’t have an interest in.

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  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark November 9, 2018, 12:12 pm

    LW1) An abortion here was a bad idea because…?
    .
    LW2) Speaking of things that should be aborted — it’s time to abort this dreary relationship with such a controlling loser…

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  • avatar

    Northern Star November 9, 2018, 12:14 pm

    LW 1: Your ex doesn’t want the baby, and he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. If if were up to him, you would not be in his life at all right now.

    Sorry, but you need to hear it—and prepare for single motherhood accordingly.

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  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom November 9, 2018, 4:23 pm

    I notice you say my baby instead of our baby. At some level you already know you are doing this alone.

    He couldn’t force an abortion and you can’t force a relationship. He’s having a baby he doesn’t want and you aren’t getting the relationship you do want. That’s because neither of you can control the other. He probably suspects that you got pregnant on purpose to try to force him into a relationship. He will likely not trust you or even respect you because of that. You have no foundation for a relationship. Babies are hard on relationships, even solid relationships.

    Going forward you can’t control who he brings into the baby’s life. If you try to force him to choose between seeing his girlfriend and seeing his baby he will likely often choose the girlfriend just because he wants to control his own life and he will be avoiding you because you hassle him and that means he avoids the baby. If it takes welcoming his girlfriend to get him to be more involved in your son’s life then that is what you do. If it takes inviting her to the ultrasound appointments that is what you do. If you care about your son you make decisions that are in his best interest and having a good relationship with his dad is in his best interest. So you suck it up and you play nice and you tell him his girlfriend is welcome to come to the appointments with him if he wants that and she is welcome to come to the hospital to visit the baby if he wants that. I’m not saying you have to have her in the room as you give birth but it will be good for your son if she falls in love with him. Babies thrive on love. The more the better. An extra adult thinking that your baby is the best thing on earth is good for the baby. If it makes his dad more engaged it is good for the baby. The more invested she is in the baby the more she will expect of him. You probably can’t get him to step up and be a dad but she can.

    Also make sure paternity is established as soon as possible and make sure that child support is legally established. Your son will need that.

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    • CurlyQue

      CurlyQue November 9, 2018, 4:31 pm

      I disagree that it is in the best nature of the baby to have the dad at the ultrasound appointments and that he should be bring his new gf. wtf?! He’s been with the new girl for a short amount of time, there’s no reason to include her in her pregnancy.

      LW, he’s not going to be a partner to you and he’s probably not going to be the father you want him to be either. He’s made it clear he’s not interested in having a happy little family with you. That sucks. You’ve decided though to continue this pregnancy and you need to make the best decisions for yourself and your son as you can. A lot of that means lowering your expectations of your father, and getting all the legal stuff squared away as soon as he’s born.

      Your bf’s new gf doesn’t matter. She’s not going to act like a mom to your soon to be born child. She doesn’t matter yet. Focus on the here and now issues. I wish you the best.

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      • avatar

        JD November 9, 2018, 6:36 pm

        Ya GF at the appointments. WTF! HEll no! She doesn’t need to bring a freaking stranger to her medical appointments. Heck, I wouldn’t even bother bringing him at this point. He can bond with the baby when it arrives. I assure you, a man who doesn’t even want the child isn’t bonding with a walnut looking circle on a tv screen. Also no you do not have to be forced to allow her around you baby. Courts will give a father pretty limited time with an infant as it is, especially if you are breastfeeding. Baby needs to be at home sleeping at eating not going back and forth. Girlfriend is hardly going to be a factor for a while, and from what we hear about him she likely wont be around anyway.

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  • avatar

    Fyodor November 9, 2018, 5:49 pm

    LW1, this is going to be controversial and I know many of the other posters will attack me for it, but as a brave truth teller, I have to say it anyway. You should not try to get back together with your boyfriend. He does not sound like a good person.

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    • bittergaymark

      Bittergaymark November 9, 2018, 9:29 pm

      Eh, she’s no prize either.

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      • avatar

        Fyodor November 10, 2018, 9:14 am

        No, but she’s the one who wrote in. I wouldn’t advise him to get back together with him.

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  • avatar

    brise November 9, 2018, 6:31 pm

    Eventually you will have to accept your child’s dad’s partner, whoever they are. But it doesn’t mean you have to give access to your baby or child to anybody he couples with. Speak to an attorney about this matter. The co-parent shouldn’t introduce the baby or child to their partner before being at least six months in a serious relationship. You should have some control here.

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  • avatar

    ron November 9, 2018, 8:28 pm

    It sounds like new gf sees this future baby as her bright, shiny, new toy.

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  • avatar

    CET November 10, 2018, 9:03 am

    LW1, He is done with being in a relationship with you . You need to accept this. You are not going to get him back. You need to focus on you and the baby and realize that you will be raising this baby alone most of the time. Prepare for this. I hope you meet a nice man who puts you first one day…but please use contraception and take your time getting to really know someone…be picky bc in the future you are looking for someone who will also be a good father to your child. Don’t settle.

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  • avatar

    Oracle November 12, 2018, 11:59 am

    Why on earth would you want to have any kind of relationship with the guy? He wanted the baby dead, called you basically a ho and was using you for sex after a breakup from which for some reason you were desperate to have. Neither of you was good about protection. Oh, an on top of it his family hates you and wants him to have nothing to do with you or the baby. Stop and I do mean stop trying to get him to go with you to doctor appointments. Do not have him with you during the delivery. He is not going to be a good father. His family should not be around this child, they will undercut you every chance they get. See a lawyer. Make sure you have child support and a set and I mean set schedule for visitation. You do not want people coming in to see and spend time with the baby anytime they feel like it. Expect you will have to prove by DNA that he is the father. If he decides that he does want to take advantage of visitation you have to accept that you have no control over who is around the baby. You need to think things through. There is adoption. I hope you have a good job. Babies are expensive. And I expect with this guy you are going to be chasing child support. And remember you can not be in two places at a time.

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