My “fiancé” and I have been together almost four years. I am 32 years old and I have a 12-year-old son with autism. My “fiancé” is 40 and he has two daughters from two previous relationships, 8 and 13 years old. I say “fiancé” because he asked me to marry him on Valentine’s Day 2011 after we were together six months. I said yes and he gave me a nice ring that he said he got from Kay Jewelers, but the ring started fading after two weeks like fake gold costume jewelry would. I figured since this was his first time asking someone to marry him, at least he gave it a try — more than my previous relationship (with my son’s father) of 10 years who always said he should marry me but never asked.
As far as our financial situation goes, my fiancé doesn’t have a regular job. He claims to be self-employed and has his own business working with music artists and distributing their music. When I first met him, he said he could give me a job because I had just come from another state. He made it sound like he was doing so much business, but after working with him I realized not so much. He tells people that he can distribute their music internationally, set up shows for them to perform, gets them studio time, and puts them on a compilation album. He makes the people register between $50-$250, but then he doesn’t really do much for them. I was uncomfortable, so I stopped helping him. He won’t get a regular job because he owes a lot of child support (like $30,000+). I usually work tax season and then temp work, and I have recently become a real estate agent.
We lost the apartment we had together because he was not helping me pay rent. I paid for us to get into the apartment with my income tax money. Since my son has autism he receives SSI and I had some unemployment at the time we first moved into the apartment. I had enough money to pay for the rent, electric, gas and cable package, but I figured why should I pay for it all by myself. Whatever money he made he put right back into his “business.” He didn’t really make much money anyway — most of the time less than $500 a month. He would always ask me for money, and we would argue a lot because I didn’t want to give it to him. He also always asks me to use my name for things for him like getting him a business license, which I told him numerous times I didn’t want to do. We fell behind in the rent because he didn’t help enough and he would rather pay the cable package before the rent, saying he needed it for his business. We got evicted from our apartment and had to go live in a shelter. I didn’t have to stay in a shelter, but I did so that we could still be together. We stayed there for eight months, and then last July I moved to another state with my son because my mom had breast cancer and it was an excuse for me to get away from my fiancé and let him take care of himself.
Besides finances, another issue I have with him is his eight-year-old daughter. When we had our apartment ,she would come over on the weekends and she was too much for me. I was so used to my son being quiet and easy-going, but when she came over, it was non-stop noise, whining, chaos and mess. This little girl would wreck the place if you let her. After a while I did not look forward to her visits and I couldn’t wait for her to go home. Even when we lived in the shelter, he got a court order to get her every weekend, which I didn’t look forward to.
I love my fiancé and his daughter, but I feel that, if we were to live together again, I would be taking care of him and his daughter and I would be very stressed out and resent them both. I don’t see him ever getting a real job, and he won’t take any classes to learn new communication and technology. He wants to move to be with me, but he doesn’t want to leave his daughter behind. I feel we could be one big happy family, but I need help if we are going to live together and we need enough space for everyone because the apartment we had was only one bedroom and the shelter was a studio apartment set-up. I love this man and we get along well outside of the money thing; we had a comfortable home life (when his daughter was not whining and making a lot of noise) and he doesn’t smoke or drink and I love that. He tries to make me feel guilty sometimes by saying it’s not fair that I’m only worried about money, and now that we are long distance we argue on the phone too.
I want a better life for my son and me. I don’t want to have to depend on welfare for help when I supposedly have a man. I feel that, if I want something, I have to get it myself because he will never be able to help me — he’ll just drag me down more and more into poverty. What should I do? — Love Don’t Pay the Bills
Well… I guess I’m not sure what you think I can say to you that I didn’t already say in the column you reference in the very first line of your letter. You presumably read my response, yes? The one where I say:
You can love someone deeply and not be right for each other. If you want something your boyfriend can’t provide — and you know that to be the case — why stay with him? Why invest more time in a relationship that doesn’t have strong potential for a happy future? This money issue is not going to go away. His debt isn’t going to miraculously disappear. He isn’t going to suddenly land a high-paying job with the limited education and skills he has. And his responsibility to his children isn’t going to disappear either. For all intents and purposes, the lifestyle he currently lives is likely going to be his lifestyle for a long time.
You can apply this same logic to your own situation. You can also apply something else I wrote in that same column:
If money is important to you, then why shouldn’t it be a reason to end a relationship if there isn’t a financial match? If, on the other hand, you see more value in other things he can provide such as companionship, emotional support, potential co-parenting, etc., then maybe you’ll decide that the money issue isn’t a deal-breaker. But that’s a decision you have to make and you need to be aware going into it what your boyfriend will and will not be able to provide you.
You yourself said your relationship sounded just like the relationship featured in that column, so I don’t know why you wrote in thinking I had anything different to tell you. Actually, I do know. You wrote to me because you already know your boyfriend can’t provide shit for you and your son and that your relationship is pointless, but you need someone else to tell you that to help dilute any regret you might feel in ending it and to help share the burden of responsibility for your loneliness and stress and fear. Being a single mom is hard, and it’s especially hard when you have a special needs child and not much money and you don’t have emotional or financial support from anyone else. But you are strong and you can handle this. You don’t need ME to give you permission to stop being used by a man who cannot offer you as much as he takes. But I’ll give you the permission anyway, if it makes you feel better.
You can do better than him. You can have a better life than what you can have with him. Even on your own, where you are right now, you are better off without him. He doesn’t lift you up; he drags you down. Aim higher than that. If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for you son. He deserves better, and so do you.
You can follow me on Facebook here and Twitter here.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at email@example.com.
MissDre April 1, 2014, 9:08 am
Ok. After reading this, all I can this is… WTF?
MissDre April 1, 2014, 9:10 am
Amanda April 1, 2014, 9:18 am
WWS and WMDS. LW, please provide a better life for your son than this. You are in control of your destiny. Your boyfriend is a deadbeat and if you continue to associate with him, you will be too. MOA
GatorGirl April 1, 2014, 9:09 am
Wendy is this April Fools?
MissDre April 1, 2014, 9:11 am
I hope so because why the hell would you go live in a shelter WITH YOUR KID when you don’t have to, just so you can be with a man who takes absolutely no responsibility for anything in life.
honeybeenicki April 1, 2014, 10:30 am
Some people have seriously fucked up priorities. I don’t understand what’s wrong with them. I pretty much stopped reading when she said she didn’t HAVE to stay in the shelter (meaning she had somewhere else to go with her autistic son) but did it for 8 months to be with this useless guy who is using her to support him and his kids.
thatgirl April 1, 2014, 2:04 pm
When do you think she’ll tell us it’s April Fool’s? Maybe tomorrow, but hopefully before the boyfriend actually moves…
LlamaPajamas April 1, 2014, 9:13 am
If she’s putting fiancé in quotation marks because he gave her a fake ring, I just have nothing else to say.
call-me-hobo April 1, 2014, 9:21 am
I think she put it in quotation marks because they have been engaged over three years and still don’t have a wedding date/marriage plans.
LlamaPajamas April 1, 2014, 9:52 am
OK, that makes it a little better. But this still has “hot mess” written all over it. (See what I did there with the quotation marks? Quotation marks are so much fun.)
kerrycontrary April 1, 2014, 9:15 am
This really REALLY bothers me: “I don’t want to have to depend on welfare for help when I supposedly have a man. “. So your choices are welfare/your sons SSI OR a man to take care of you? How about you take care of yourself and your son by getting a Full-Time year-round job. You’re 32 years old. Start hustling and working that real estate license. You will find out how amazing life can be when you earn a steady income and pay all of your own bills and don’t have to depend on anyone else. You lived in a shelter for 8 months when you didn’t *have* to, therefor taking away resources from someone who really needed it. Stop depending on the system or a man and start depending on yourself.
Lianne April 1, 2014, 10:01 am
EXACTLY what I was thinking…is this 1953?! What modern woman depends on “a man” anymore??
katie April 1, 2014, 10:44 am
thank you! god. there are so many issues here i cant even stand it- and they are not only with the LW’s idiot boyfriend….
rainbow April 1, 2014, 11:26 am
I don’t understand who disliked this and why. =/
rainbow April 1, 2014, 1:23 pm
I don’t understand who disliked this and why. =/ inception!
Lyra April 1, 2014, 12:35 pm
My thoughts exactly.
bethany April 1, 2014, 9:16 am
I’m going to assume this is real…
LW- This is so fucked up. This is BEYOND fucked up. You are an adult. With a child. A special needs child at that, and you CHOSE to move into a shelter so you could be near a man you loved?? Do you not see how fucked up that is? Allow me to repeat it: You moved a special needs child into a shelter for a man. You used money that was supposed to be for your child to pay rent for a grown man. You put this idiot’s needs above your child’s. Think about that. Say it out loud several times, until you understand that you did those things, and that sucks.
MOA. Don’t call this guy. Don’t hold onto any good feelings about him. Focus on yourself and your son. He really needs your support, love and attention. The sleezy man-child who is USING YOU doesn’t.
Ella_ April 1, 2014, 9:26 am
Ugh, there is absolutely nothing about this situation that suggests you should stay with this guy. Move on!!!
lets_be_honest April 1, 2014, 9:27 am
I didn’t have to stay in a shelter, but I did so that we could still be together. We stayed there for eight months.
I don’t want to have to depend on welfare for help when I supposedly have a man.
You suck at parenting and life. I’d say you two are perfect for each other.
Amanda April 1, 2014, 9:35 am
LW, you need help. This letter is one of the most desperate pleas for help I’ve seen in a long time. Get yourself into therapy. You say you want a better life for you and your son – so do it already. Make your life better. Will it happen overnight? Hell, no. Bu if you take steps now it *will* happen. You’ll be happier (and a better mother). You are so down in this hole that the only reason you want to stay with your “fiancé” is because he doesn’t smoke or drink? Honey – there are A LOT better reasons than that. Starting today, take one tiny step forward. And tomorrow? Another one. And keep going. If not for you, do it for your son.
Marcie April 1, 2014, 10:03 am
Yes! This! Don’t stay with someone just because he doesn’t smoke or drink! So weak!
joanna April 1, 2014, 10:35 am
Plenty of decent people don’t smoke or drink and smoking/drinking in moderate amounts isn’t usually harmful. This is not a reason to stay with him.
Addie Pray April 1, 2014, 9:46 am
Daisy April 1, 2014, 1:15 pm
LW, you’ve left Addie Pray nearly speechless. That is a feat in and of itself!
Addie Pray April 1, 2014, 2:53 pm
captainswife April 1, 2014, 9:50 am
If the only good things you can say about this “man” are that he doesn’t smoke or drink, you NEED to look higher. It’s well past time to move on. Why put yourself through the stress?
You already have your SON who needs you…don’t be fooled into thinking that supporting a leech makes you “needed” and therefore “important”. Many, many women confuse “caring” for men as “being needed” by men…and equate that to being “valuable” — you MUST get your sense of worth from yourself, NOT from your supposedly being “needed” by someone who just doesn’t want to get his act together.
Short story: MOA. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but it’s mostly self-induced. You can do better, you can aim higher.
Oh, and by the way — as for your “not needing welfare because I supposedly have a man”? C’MON, for crying out loud — how about not needing welfare because you have YOURSELF! You have a real estate license! You are fully capable of working! This is severely lame…I am a SAHM, but that’s a result of circumstances, not because I “have a man” to support me! This one really galled me, LW, because NO ONE should expect ANYONE ELSE to take care of them. And that goes for your so-called fiance, too.
tangerbean April 1, 2014, 9:55 am
Please reread your letter and think what you’d say to someone else in this situation. Aren’t you just tired of dealing with him? I’m tired of him after just reading about it. It’ll feel like such a relief to cut loose the useless weight that’s pulling you down. You don’t need to depend on him to take care of you (he’s actively doing the opposite anyway) and you’ll live more comfortably without him using you as his free ride. And CHOOSING to live in a shelter with your child just to be with him is seriously disturbing. You can be happy moving forward if you make the right choices.
Lianne April 1, 2014, 10:03 am
This is so sad. You need to put your child first. Get a real job, don’t wait for someone else to take care of you and for real, MOA. You’re in another state now – use the distance to your advantage and get out of this vortex of shit before it gets worse.
artsygirl April 1, 2014, 10:12 am
LW – I want to point out that your fiance appears to have a pattern of using the women in his life. You point out that he refuses to get a regular job because he doesn’t want to pay child support. Seriously let that sink in. What kind of a person would leave their children high and dry and make an ex take on 100% of the bills? This man feels that he should have no financial obligations to his two biological children so what makes you think that he will take any responsibility in paying the bills for your child? In fact he is perfectly happy to live off the money intended for your child. Luckily you have not tied yourself to him either through another child or marriage so I say kick him to the curb and get your life together.
honeybeenicki April 1, 2014, 10:33 am
Definitely this. I mean, sometimes people get behind on child support. My husband has back child support. But the difference is, he’s PAYING it. He pays the regular amount every month PLUS extra to pay off the back support. When he got a new job, he notified them instead of letting them catch up to him. I’ve known people who purposely don’t work or work under the table to avoid paying support. That’s ridiculous and incredibly unfair to the child and the mother.
lets_be_honest April 1, 2014, 10:37 am
Yea, I don’t understand how anyone can say that and be accepting of it. Like its the norm or something. Oh, my poor BF’s stupid ex expects him to contribute to his children’s expenses. Can you believe her? Its all good though, he’s cheating the system and his kids, so he’s got some extra $ now to spend on our special love.
Sidenote: wow, that first letter is OLD and man I sounded like an ass.
bethany April 1, 2014, 11:54 am
That first letter turned into a shit show!
katie April 1, 2014, 1:28 pm
awwww, back when ForeverYoung was around….
LlamaPajamas April 1, 2014, 10:39 am
Totally agree. Also, his “job” sounds pretty illegal. It blows my mind that not only is the LW staying with him, but she stayed in a shelter for 8 freaking months with her child WHO HAS AUTISM because he lost their apartment. This reeks of poor parenting skills and poor decision making skills, and the fact that she even mentioned the fact that the ring might not be real gold shows that her priorities are seriously messed up.
AKchic April 1, 2014, 10:44 am
I think we should be looking at just how LONG he hasn’t paid child support. In Alaska, the minimum monthly amount is $50/month for child support, set by the Child Support Enforcement Division. Anyone making $12-17/hr usually pays $250-300 a month in child support (30% of their taxable income). My ex owes me nearly $40,000 and he hasn’t paid in nearly 11 years. Anytime he does get a regular job, they base it off of that income and then he leaves and they don’t adjust back to $50 because he never contacts them, wracking up enormous debt that we all know he can’t pay, and we all know he won’t. I have the youngest child of his four. He owes a lot more for his other two boys. The mother of his daughter refuses to claim him as the father and her husband (met after the daughter was born) adopted her.
This guy has been systematically cheating his children for at least 5 years, if not closer to 7-10, depending on the child. This is not a man. This is a sperm donor. A very expensive, irresponsible one.
Morgan April 1, 2014, 10:14 am
“I don’t want to have to depend on welfare for help when I supposedly have a man.”
Um, you have a child. You need to figure out how to care for him without a man. If that means, especially given your sons special need, needing some help from welfare to get by when times are tough, okay, But having a man has nothing to do with whether or not you are able to take care of yourself and your son. And it sounds like you’ve taken some steps to make that happen (becoming a real estate agent presumably to have steady income year round, not just tax season). So why the hell did you move into a shelter to be with this man when it sounds like you could have afforded something better for just you and your son?!? Ugh. There is more to life than “having a man,” you know. Especially since this one doesn’t sound particuarily worth having.
Also, if he doesn’t drink and smoke are his best qualities…aim higher.
rainbow April 1, 2014, 10:20 am
Wouldn’t a ring have to be… not a ring in order to be a fake ring? This whole cheap==fake thing is another terrible manifestation of how out of control this wedding thing has gotten. Come on, it’s just a ring. There’s no correlation between it’s quality and the marriage’s. This whole thing sounds insane looking in from a different culture.
LW, If this letter is real then the “fake” ring is the smallest problem you have. Focus on your fake self-esteem, your fake competence as a mother and your fake love for his little girl first.
rainbow April 1, 2014, 10:21 am
GatorGirl April 1, 2014, 10:26 am
It’s insane to a lot of people who are part of the culture. I just don’t get it either.
WAPS April 1, 2014, 10:30 am
To be fair, that was Wendy’s headline. The LW didn’t say it was a fake ring, only that it looked like fake gold, which is probably true. It didn’t even seem like the main point of the letter – it just kind of highlights that he lied to her and she even tries to give him credit for trying, even though she doesn’t like the ring.
rainbow April 1, 2014, 10:37 am
You’re right about that.
tbrucemom April 1, 2014, 7:14 pm
FYI, I bought a ring from Kay Jewelers that was supposedly gold and the “gold” starting wearing off, which obviously isn’t supposed to happen. Just saying her ring very likely did come from there and he didn’t realize it was substandard. However, that’s the least of her problems and she needs to MOA, like yesterday!
AKchic April 1, 2014, 10:36 am
I’m going to tell you to run. He owes so much in back child support and he’s going to continue racking it up because HE DOESN’T PAY. He’s not responsible to his two other children and you are going to have him around your autistic son, and at some point, expect him to help on occasion.
No wonder you aren’t getting any money for rent/bills from him – his child support issue alone should tell you that you can’t get blood from a turnip.
Honey, I was THERE with my first husband. I paid for everything, I worked and missed out on the first 2 years of milestones with my oldest and the first 6 months with my second. Don’t be me. Continue using birth control. And double up if needed. DO NOT marry this jackhole. You are going to continue losing apartments with him because he will never get a real job when it’s needed, nor will he ever give you money to help out. His “business” is just that – his. It will never take off because he doesn’t have the skills, resources, nor desire to make it bigger. He has YOU to cover all losses.
How do I know? My first husband had an “online business” selling NASA and football memorabilia. He ended up keeping any product he “sold” because he was “a collector”. I ended up winning all of the junk in the divorce because 1) he didn’t show up to the default hearing, and 2) I PAID FOR ALL OF THE DAMNED STUFF.
He asked you to marry him after 6 months. That isn’t the normal timeline and I’m sure he’s desperate to marry so he can force you to pay for him. If you file joint taxes with him, the government will GARNISH any refund for his child support, so you have to file an injured spouse claim, and even then, most of the time they ignore it (I know, I had to do this with my first husband, and even after we divorced, I ended up paying for his oldest boy AND my own son’s child support for two years after the fact – and never got any refund or apology).
This relationship isn’t right for you, nor is it fair for your child. Walk away now. The cheap-ass ring is only the smallest portion of what is wrong.
joanna April 1, 2014, 11:07 am
AKchic, I have so much respect for you as a person. You’ve totally been there, done that and came out better for it. Stay strong!
Kate B. April 1, 2014, 10:37 am
OK, I’m going to try not to add to harshness, but here goes. This guy is a loser. He doesn’t love you, he loves your apartment (when you have one) and the cable TV, and everything else he gets to use and doesn’t have to pay for. He is irresponsible, lazy and a con artist. Pull yourself up and take care of yourself. You have the potential to earn a lot of money with that real estate license. Wouldn’t it be great to put that money towards yourself and your son, rather than support this useless waste of air? If you learn to take care of yourself by yourself, your life will be 1000 x better. And that includes finding a man who will respect you and all that you’ve done for yourself and your son.
rainbow April 1, 2014, 10:39 am
“I figured since this was his first time asking someone to marry him, at least he gave it a try”
This part was particularly funny. How many tries do you think it takes people, on average, to not lie to their partners?
AKchic April 1, 2014, 10:53 am
He’s so used to lying that it’s become second nature to him. Lying does become habitual. However, you are supposed to be honest with your partner, in general. Lying about how the dress looks on her is one thing, lying about financial matters – that is a whole ‘nother kettle of fish.
thatgirl April 1, 2014, 1:29 pm
Can I use that??? I believe “that is a whole ‘nother kettle of fish.” is my new favorite saying! And a kettle of fish beats a ball of wax ANY DAY!
AKchic April 1, 2014, 4:51 pm
Use away 🙂
MsMisery April 1, 2014, 12:50 pm
I thought the same thing after reading that part! I’ve never been proposed to, but is it customary for the proposer to use fake jewelry the first go-round?? Never heard of that….
lets_be_honest April 1, 2014, 12:51 pm
Yes, that’s why you always say no the first time silly!
Laura Hope April 1, 2014, 10:42 am
“Let’s Be Honest” nailed it. You had your kid live in a shelter by your choosing? Wow.
Sunshine Brite April 1, 2014, 10:48 am
Geez LW, this relationship is beyond over! Please let it go.
And dont take up shelter beds from people who actually need them. They’re supposed to be a last resort for people.
theattack April 1, 2014, 10:58 am
That part made my stomach churn. When I worked in a shelter, I had to turn away hundreds of desperate people who had literally no other options. They would have to sleep under the bridge next to the shelter along with people strung out on drugs and sex offenders who didn’t qualify for other programs. They would be assaulted, sometimes with their children next to them, and they would contract things like tuberculosis from that. They slept in the cold in the winter and didn’t always get meals because we didn’t have enough space or resources for them. It makes me sick to my stomach when people abuse resources like this and take up space that other people would give anything for, if they had anything to give.
joanna April 1, 2014, 11:09 am
Aren’t there laws about using resources you don’t need?
theattack April 1, 2014, 11:47 am
I’ve never heard of anything like that. There are laws about things like food stamp fraud, yes, but there’s no law that says you have to spend your money wisely in order to have a place to live. Many shelters and other resource programs don’t require proof of homelessness or proof of a low income, because sometimes homelessness is sudden.
theattack April 1, 2014, 10:53 am
You’re absolutely right about one thing, LW. If you want something, you have to get it yourself. You know that you’re throwing your life away on him, so do something about it.
Zanderbomb April 1, 2014, 11:03 am
LW- It doesn’t sound like life has been easy for you. You have found someone you get along well with, and whose company you enjoy. But you can find someone whose company you enjoy, who does not drink and smoke, who treats you well, and values providing for and taking care of his family. Your “fiance” will never have a normal job if he owes over $30k in child support, and if this is true there’s a good chance he could end up in jail soon. Take care of your son, yourself and your mom. Work on you, and good things will eventually come, even if it doesn’t seem like it for awhile.
Laura Hope April 1, 2014, 11:04 am
And this letter is about a ring? Double wow.
rachel April 1, 2014, 12:00 pm
Haha, I don’t think the letter is really “about” the ring…but Wendy probably didn’t know how to even TRY to summarize the problems in a succinct title.
katie April 1, 2014, 1:47 pm
yea, i mean… “illegal business” “conman” “cheating the system” “child support evader” “liar” “lazy” … theres a lot of stuff to compile for a quick title.
JoanJ April 1, 2014, 11:12 am
I want to address the one smart thing here: LW you were so right to not put your name on his business license. He is waiting for a lawsuit with his ILLEGAL “business,” and it will likely be many, many people suing him. While they may just sue for what they paid him + attorney fees, that could number in the tens of thousands, depending on how long he’s done this.
Please do not marry him without figuring out what that might mean for your financial responsibility to his business, and please make sure he didn’t put your name on anything behind your back. Aim higher. If a man is what you want, why not up your standards to a good, kind, supportive man with a stable job? Since when is cable more important than rent? Free internet is available at local libraries, or you can get a smartphone and use data for internet, canceling the need for a separate internet bill altogether. Be smarter. Leave him for good before it gets worse.
bagge72 April 1, 2014, 11:20 am
I don’t even know how you can love this guy, it seems like he lies to you, wants to take all of your money, not share any of his, has a shady business that you want nothing to do with, because it is just him stealing peoples money and wont pay for his kids to live. Sounds like a real winner. This guys is scamming you the same way he is scamming his music customers.
rachel April 1, 2014, 11:47 am
LW – I can’t even give you advice, because I just think you’re a bad person. Sorry. There’s no way to sugarcoat that. I won’t judge you surviving on SSI and part time work, because I assume your son needs a lot of extra care. However, how in the WORLD do you justify staying in a shelter when you have other options? Do you know how many people out there actually NEED a spot in a shelter, but get turned away?? That’s just awful. I feel sorry for your son that you are the role model he has.
CurlyQue April 1, 2014, 11:50 am
This post is so full of problems i don’t even know where to start. People above have talked about the complete idiocy and poor judgment you showed when you voluntarily took your child to a shelter because you wanted to “stay with” your boyfriend. You are NOT a highschool girl you are 32! You should be making smarter decisions than that!
This part really got to me though, LW your MOTHER has breast cancer and i know first hand how awful that is. Presumably you moved to her state to help take care of her and you should be focusing on her and your son right now NOT this waste of space boyfriend you have. You should break up with your boyfriend, but at the very least do NOT let your boyfriend move to be with you in the new state. I’m assuming that you’re living with your mother currently, which means if your boyfriend moved to be with you he’d be staying there too. Your mother does not need this deadbeat in her home when she’s going through something so major. I hope you take this opportunity for a separation (which you jumped at as a reason to get a way) from your boyfriend and let it become a full on break.
GatorGirl April 1, 2014, 11:58 am
Everyone has covered the screw up part, some advice for fixing this.
1. Dump this guy. Cut every single bloody tie you have to him. Period.
2. Move out of the homeless shelter to one of the other options you have.
3. Work on finding stable income (either a part time job, or position at a real estate office, heck a gas station or grocery store).
4. Start putting your son first. Get him into a stable environment, school, counseling, etc. I can not imagine that a homeless shelter is doing any good for his condition (or your creep bf).
5. Get your self to some kind of counseling because what you’re willing to put up with…well it’s just a big old no and I think you’d do be doing yourself and your child a good thing to figure out why you’re okay with taking some scraps (left overs?) of a relationship over just being single.
GatorGirl April 1, 2014, 12:00 pm
Also, children make noise. It’s totally normal!!!
katie April 1, 2014, 1:42 pm
yea wtf was with that too? omg a child who makes noise and messes when she stays the weekend at your house? what crazy wizard child is this??
Amanda April 1, 2014, 12:07 pm
And it’s moldy leftovers, too.
joanna April 1, 2014, 11:59 am
I can’t wait for BGM’s take on this letter.
Marcie April 1, 2014, 2:38 pm
I haven’t seen BGM lately now that you mention him…
Addie Pray April 1, 2014, 2:52 pm
Today he’s off celebrating the national holiday devoted to him.
Addie Pray April 1, 2014, 3:01 pm
(Ok, fine, I piggy backed on BGM’s own FB status.)
SisiSodaPop April 1, 2014, 12:23 pm
LW – You do not “suck” at life, though you may not have been provided with many of the life skills that are necessary to navigate successfully through it. YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE WITH A USELESS LEECH. And don’t listen to anyone else who says such awful things and drags you down even further. I know it will be hard, but, please, MOA. I can speak from personal experience, the weight that will be lifted off your shoulders once you truly accept that this man is not your responsibility will be tremendous. Once you focus on you and your son and stop worrying about him, life will be better. If you can, find a way into therapy. Find someone who specializes in codependency. Also, I know life is busy, but if you can take an hour out of your week, check out CoDA (Codependants Anonymous) and also check into the book, “Women Who Love Too Much” – I think the book is the most helpful part of this advice.
lets_be_honest April 1, 2014, 12:32 pm
Too bad you didn’t suggest she also read Women Who Don’t Love Their Children Enough, or Women That Prioritize Their Love Life Over Their Children, or even Women Who Cheat The System.
rainbow April 1, 2014, 2:13 pm
Drop Peter and marry me.
Sisisodapop April 1, 2014, 2:18 pm
Some people were not taught basic life skills, or what a healthy relationship is, or even how to love themselves. Some of us have to learn these things as an adult, the hard way. Let’s be honest, you suck at empathy…so ya, Ithink you suck at life, too. Just in a different way than the LWs. Let me know how that works out for you in the long run.
lets_be_honest April 1, 2014, 2:34 pm
I can appreciate that you are ok with whatever excuses she has for living this way and still offer her advice. I can’t.
Anyway, so far my way has worked out pretty well. I’ll keep you posted though!
katie April 1, 2014, 1:59 pm
i would be with you maybe, but this LW is clearly ok with someone skipping out on child support, ok with someone who is actively conning others out of money, ok with someone prioritizing cable over rent, ok with someone bringing a child into a homeless shelter so you can be with his mom, ect, ect, ect. this is a perfect case for sucking at life and needing someone to tell you that. this LW needs to aim higher in every single way you can.
iwannatalktosampson April 1, 2014, 2:10 pm
I’m really happy to see that everyone is jumping down this LW’s throat for abusing the system so I don’t have too. LW – you give everyone on welfare and public assistance generally a bad name, and you are why people like me will NEVER vote for added funding for any of that stuff. You’re a real piece of work.
theattack April 1, 2014, 3:00 pm
Noooo, I need lots of jobs!
rainbow April 1, 2014, 2:31 pm
This woman is not a child, she HAS one. This situation is not something that happened to her, poor thing LW, but something she built, putting her kid in a horrible situation in the process because she couldn’t ignore her hormones and her need for validation and do the right thing for a second.
Personal history time: My mother was just like this woman, always putting her children last and spending all her energy chasing after a man who didn’t even respect her or like her much and who was with her (still is) for the economic support and housework she could give, and I wish someone had told her she sucked instead of treating her as some kind of victim/martyr. Making your own life miserable while you derive self esteem from feeling misunderstood, exploited and morally superior to your partner is a valid choice if you’re alone. Taking your child hostage of a tween temper tantrum and making his life miserable because you are fixated on a specific loser and have decided that you want validation from HIM AND HIM ONLY and nothing else will do even though you don’t even respect the guy is selfish and horrible, and you’re not helping her by trying to shield her from the fact that she’s failing at motherhood, self-sufficiency and life in general.
Lyra April 1, 2014, 12:48 pm
I just…can’t. I can’t believe this.
1. There are literally ZERO redeeming qualities about this man. He is a horrible horrible person.
2. You need to put your son first. Always. He needs you.
3. You don’t need a man to support you.
4. Your fake ring is the least of your problems. Your fake fiance however…
5. Get yourself to therapy. Your self worth appears to be extremely low because you’re putting up with so much crap.
6. Even if this guy was semi-normal, financial difficulties and differences in financial views are the kiss of death for any relationship.
7. He won’t get a job because he doesn’t want to pay $30,000 in child support!! He’s willing to leave his kids hanging because he’s a lazy asshole.
If nothing else, put your son first and please please please get yourself to therapy.
Lyra April 1, 2014, 1:03 pm
It’s just really really sad to me that people think this is ok and normal. It’s NOT ok and it’s NOT normal. Normal guys take care of their kids. Normal guys have jobs. Normal guys pay child support. Normal guys CONTRIBUTE TO RENT. Therapy, LW. And lots of it.
Fabelle April 1, 2014, 1:07 pm
WOW. Like others, I don’t even know where to start? Sooo I’m just going to ignore the majority of what you wrote, LW, & focus on this: “I feel that, if I want something, I have to get it myself because he will never be able to help me.” Yep! Your feelings are correct. And that statement about being independent is true whether or not you “have a man” … even if you had an upstanding man (which you don’t, you are dating a shady neglectful father who runs a corrupt business).
So work on being independent, & take care of your son. Develop life skills so you can stop relying on the system, & stop hoping for a magical man to rescue you. You don’t have one now, & there’s no guarantee that you’ll find one.
thatgirl April 1, 2014, 1:21 pm
I haven’t made it through all the comments, I apologize if this has been mentioned, BUT…
” I had enough money to pay for the rent, electric, gas and cable package, but I figured why should I pay for it all by myself.”
Did I read that right?? Does that say that you COULD have paid your bills, and CHOSE NOT to, because you SHOULDN’T HAVE TO????
If that is, in fact, the case…I am done here. I cannot, and will not, bust a vein in my head over this situation, cause that’s what would happen…
theattack April 1, 2014, 1:34 pm
Umm, wow. I couldn’t bring myself to pay much attention to this letter, but that is ridiculous. Like why didn’t she just pay the bills herself and kick him out then?
GatorGirl April 1, 2014, 1:48 pm
Yeah, there is also a line about him deciding to pay cable over rent. I don’t even have words.
rachel April 1, 2014, 1:58 pm
The kicker with this letter is that it is SO BAD that multiple commenters have basically concentrated on one issue as being utterly ridiculous…and they’re all different issues.
Essie April 1, 2014, 1:43 pm
LW, you’re putting up with all this so you can have a man?
I’m going to be blunt here. You don’t have a man. I don’t know what he is, but he’s no man.
A man stands up and provides for his children. He doesn’t duck his responsibilities. He doesn’t run some scam business and try to cheat people. He goes out and gets a real job, even if it’s a crap job at McD’s or some grocery store.
A man doesn’t sponge off his girlfriend.
A man wouldn’t allow his girlfriend and her autistic son to live in a homeless shelter when she had someplace else to go.
A man wouldn’t try to sucker his girlfriend into applying for a business license for his scam, so she takes the rap instead of him when it goes south. Do you really think that someone who loves you would do that?
If the best you can say about this low-life is that he doesn’t smoke or drink, you really, really, really need to aim higher. Seriously.
You don’t need us to tell you what to do, because you know what’s right. You dump his worthless, lying ass and stand up on your own, and make a better life for yourself and your son. You deserve better and your son deserves better. You CAN do it.
SisiSodaPop April 1, 2014, 2:38 pm
The Dear Wendy “community” should trade in their high horses for ponies. You all just love love love to kick people when they’re down, dontcha? Does it make you feel better about yourselves? It must, because I can’t think of any other reason to tell a single mother (of a disabled child who OBVIOUSLY is suffering from self-worth issues and doesn’t know what a healthy relationship looks like) that she’s a horrible person??? Really??? I’ve been here every day since Wendy moved over from TF. But, now, I’ve lost faith in the DW site. Most of you need to grow the fuck up more than the LWs. I won’t be back. Peace out, bitches.
rachel April 1, 2014, 2:50 pm
No. Just no. Some people need a kick in the ass. This LW seems to think it’s totally okay to be HOMELESS in order to keep “her man”. I just. can’t.
GatorGirl April 1, 2014, 2:52 pm
Honestly, I think you should re-read the comments. A lot of them are offering advice, very very constructive advice. There may be a bit of a “tough love” tone, but honestly I think LW needs it. And, the only person that’s been called horrible is the dude.
bethany April 1, 2014, 2:59 pm
Eh, that’s not true. I’m pretty sure some of us told the LW that she was a bad person. But I agree that we did also offer her advice on how to right this situation.
GatorGirl April 1, 2014, 3:05 pm
I just searched the word horrible, and it was only used in connect with “this horrible situation” and that he was a horrible person.
GatorGirl April 1, 2014, 3:07 pm
Whoops, only half a comment! People where harsh. Rightly so IMO. There is no time for kid gloves when people are subjecting their children to crazy.
bethany April 1, 2014, 2:58 pm
Sorry, but at some point you have to hold people accountable for their actions. Having a crappy childhood or poor role models is not an excuse or a reason to do HALF of the things this LW has done. Maybe, MAYBE if she were 23 and not 32 would I have not been quite so firm with her. At some point you have to take responsibility for you actions. Especially when you have a child involved. The LW has a history of making poor choices, and someone needs to tell her to stop. That someone is us.
katie April 1, 2014, 3:09 pm
preach my dear, preach!
rainbow April 1, 2014, 2:42 pm
FireStar April 1, 2014, 2:47 pm
artsygirl April 1, 2014, 3:55 pm
I will grant you that there are times that DW readers will jump on a LW perhaps unfairly…but seriously? Did you read the letter? I have read all the comments and I can say that most people don’t think she is a horrible person (the making your autistic son unnecessarily live in a shelter for 8 months being the exception) – we all think she has horrible taste in men.
CatsMeow April 1, 2014, 9:23 pm
Holy shit, I missed a doozy. Stupid school!
kare April 1, 2014, 11:05 pm
I’ve tried to read this letter many times, but it hurts me.
Leslie April 4, 2014, 8:13 pm
YOU AND YOUR SON DESERVE BETTER! Yes I’m yelling 🙂
Amy September 11, 2020, 7:42 pm
You put up with his shit for way too long. I hope you have left him for good. If he loved you he would get a real job and help financially and he sounds like a dead beat dad owing over 30,000 in child support should have been a sign for you. He’s a looser going no where. Don’t allow yourself to be used by some lazy ass that can’t afford to help take care you and your son.