It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in three sentences or less, because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great, being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go. Today we discuss bad kissing, dating etiquette, and dealing with an inconsiderate roommate.
My fiancé is a wonderful man and our relationship is amazing in every way, except for one thing: kissing during foreplay and sex. It’s really strange, because my fiancé is a great kisser otherwise, and used to be a great kisser while being intimate, but it seems that recently, his kissing skills have regressed. The problem is that when he gets really into the moment, he starts practically mauling my face off, which is not sexy at all, and, is painful when he has stubble, which is most of the time. I’ve usually been able to solve the problem by situating myself so that I’m above him when we’re kissing so that I can take control, but I felt compelled to write in when, the last time we were intimate, he just kept gnawing away at my face no matter what I tried, which was really frustrating. He hasn’t picked up on any of the nonverbal cues that I’ve tried to give, and I’m afraid that it’s gotten to the point where I’ll just start rushing through foreplay to avoid his terrible kissing. I know the problem is fixable, because he’s a great kisser in other situations; I just don’t know how or when would be best to bring this issue up. What would be the best way to delicately discuss this with him? — Avoiding the Kiss Off
The next time you’re alone together — but not intimate; that will put him more on the defensive — and are feeling gutsy enough to bring it up, simply say something along the lines of: “I’ve noticed lately that when we’re about to have sex, your kissing has become a more aggressive than it usually is otherwise. I really love the way you kiss when it’s not foreplay. That gentle kind of kissing is what actually turns me on, not the rougher kissing, so I was hoping you’d go back to the softer kisses during foreplay that I like so much.”
I am a recovering serial monogamist, so at 27 I consider myself experienced in love but not in dating. I recently reactivated my online dating profile and have a date planned with a nice a guy. However, there are a few other people I’m interested in, and to try and get out of the serial monogamy pattern I would like to go on a few dates with a few different people. So this is my question: How do you communicate whether or not you are dating exclusively? Is it safe to say that for the first few dates most people assume you aren’t? Is it safe to say that you’re not until you have that conversation where you decide you are? I don’t want to unnecessarily complicate things early on in dating with “By the way, we are not exclusive,” but I don’t want to be dishonest by omission either – Don’t Know Much About Dating
Only a total moron would expect exclusivity after one date and without a preceding conversation about it. And, really, unless you are having sex, in which case I would recommend a discussion about whether the sex — if not the relationship — is monogamous, there’s no need to push or discuss exclusivity until you feel ready to. That said, if someone asks if you’re seeing other people, it’s always best to be honest, and if you’ve been out a few times and feel like at least a mention of your status is warranted, go for it, but until genuine feelings have developed, it’s safe to assume that everyone is just getting to know each other and no one is pulling the wool over anyone’s eyes.
I recently moved into a new apartment to save money since the rent went up on my last place. I moved in at the beginning of the month and everything seemed fine for the first week. The second week one of my new roommates asked me if her aunt and uncle could stay for a week and I said OK since they wouldn’t be in the apartment most of the day and were staying in her room. When they arrived they also brought their two kids in tow, without my roommate telling me. They ended up staying not for one weeks as promised, but for two weeks with a crying 1-year-old and a rambunctious 5-year-old. To add insult to injury, the roommate hosting them decided to go out of town for a few days with them still there without telling me. Everyone is gone now and my roommate will return early next week. So, I’m wondering: should I move right now? I’m on a month-to-month lease but I just moved in here not even a month ago. I told her how I felt but she seemed to just brush it off like it was nothing. Should I just stick it out for a few more months or should I just pack everything and go elsewhere? — Disgruntled New Roomie
Decide which would be the lesser hassle: finding a new place and packing up your stuff and moving, or indefinitely dealing with an inconsiderate roommate who will probably pull this kind of crap — or worse! — many more times in the future. If it were me, moving again would definitely be the lesser of two evils.
*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org and be sure to follow me on Twitter.