After we got engaged and moved in together, I learned that Alex had actually been contacting the rebound four months into our being exclusive. I felt utterly betrayed. We told each other everything and we had found our soulmates in one another. Yet I learned that he was emailing, texting, and calling the rebound woman who had long ago decided she did not want a relationship with him. She had lived with him for two to three months in what she thought was a crash pad to temporarily use and he thought was the beginning of their relationship. She told him that she had never seen him that way.
Fast forward to Alex and me getting together. We made love for the first time ever and had a perfect, blissful first night as a thrilled and committed couple. What I later learned is, as I took a shower after our “union,” he emailed the rebound only a few feet away from me, telling her he missed her and he wanted to see her as soon as possible. Four months into our relationship he was texting, emailing, and calling her behind my back, and he never mentioned any of this to me. I also learned that he did not ever inform her about me.
She never did meet up with him, but she did call him and text him. He sent her pleading emails for her to unblock him from Messenger so they could message each other. I found this out after we got engaged and after we moved in together. I had no idea. I was crushed. He swears he only loves me and that he was just angry with her and confused. He swears they never did go meet each other. However, I feel like the beautiful beginning to our relationship is forever smeared and that my trust is gone.
He swears he would never cheat on me, but I cannot help but wonder what would have happened if she had agreed to meet with him. What were his intentions? He claims he was confused, which sounds a lot to me like he was hoping something would happen.
I’m not sure if I should call off the wedding. He says nothing happened and he would never do something like this now or in the future. But I feel like I came into this with my whole heart and he came into this with a false premise. — Betrayed By My Soulmate
If you were angry with someone and “confused,” and blissfully in love with someone else, would you maniacally call and text and email the person you were angry at? Would you tell that person how much you missed him, would you plead for him to see you? No, you wouldn’t. No normal person would. This is not normal behavior at all. This is not normal behavior of someone who is happily in love. Alex has never been happily in love with you. He messaged his ex minutes after your “perfect, blissful first night as a thrilled and committed couple.” YOU are the rebound woman. And his behavior says everything you need to know about his character flaws – flaws that keep him from being capable of a loving, healthy relationship. His behavior is not a reflection of you and your character or your lovability. It is all about him and how damaged he is, and I’m sorry you got caught up in it.
The best thing you can do now is move on. Yes, call off the wedding, and move on. There’s no future for you with Alex. He is not your soulmate. He never was. He’s been pining after another woman for the entirety of your relationship – a woman who, let’s be honest, was probably a distraction from the pain of his wife leaving him for another man. Alex was never honest with you. He has likely not been honest with himself, and you cannot build a future on this. You can only find strength in your ability to recognize your self-worth and prioritize your well-being and move on.
Well, now mid-quarantine, I’m overthinking it. I feel so young still (I’m 23) and have yet to find a job/career. I have a huge thirst for adventure and I want to make sure that if I move to Florida, I won’t get stuck in a funk there. Does moving in with someone you love mean you’re settling down?
I’m pretty tightly-knit with my family up here, but sometimes I feel like we need some space so there are so many 50/50s about this decision. He and I are insanely compatible and it’s so hard to just lose him over a career/life I don’t even have right now. I feel like I’m at a point in my life where this decision is going to be my entire future. Is this indeed a decision that would change my life forever? — Lost And Confused Young One
Here’s the thing about making life decisions, especially at 23 years old: They can and DO change the trajectory of your life and that trajectory will often take you to a completely different place than where you started, or deliver you back to where you started as a completely different person. This does NOT mean, however, that every life decision you make “is going to be your entire future.” Nothing – absolutely nothing – about your life right now at 23 years old, regardless of what decisions you do or do not make – will be your entire future. Decisions you make now determine what the next few months or even the next year or two will look like, and that’s it. Decisions will affect the trajectory of your life, yes, but nothing is ever set in stone, no decision is irreversible. Even on a dead-end path, you can turn back around to the fork in the road and try a different way.
So, should you move? I can’t answer that for you. And life right now is so uncertain as it is. Everything is on hold. This is actually a great time to do some soul-searching, to think about different options, to discuss with your boyfriend what your respective expectations are and what you each envision life together in Florida looking like and what you would do if you decide it’s not for you. Please check out my post on what couples should discuss before moving in together (you have plenty of time for this!), as well as what we wish we would have known before moving in together. Being well-prepared doesn’t guarantee you’ll always be happy with every decision you make. But it does mean your decisions will be better ones and the likelihood of regret much more minimal.