You need a big dose of reality, so I’m going to give it to you and I’m going to try to be kind, but firm:
1. First, you’re 49. The likelihood of you conceiving a baby at your age is very, very slim. The likelihood of you conceiving a baby and then carrying it to term AND it being healthy and without chromosomal issues…well, the odds are not in your favor. It sucks to think about aging and our fertility decreasing and the missed chances that might mean for us, so I urge you instead to think about how fortunate you have been to already be blessed with not one, not two, but THREE children in your life. What a gift that you’ve been able to experience the joy of motherhood three times over.
2. A person does not need to be genetically related to a child to be his or her parent any more than a person who is genetically related to a child is automatically family. Your boyfriend’s parental history proves both statements true. For whatever reason, he signed a birth certificate for a child whom you say is not biologically his, making the girl his daughter and his responsibility. That’s not going to change. And if you can’t accept it, you need to move on. Resenting the girl, who is completely innocent in this scenario, is immature at best and downright cruel at worst, and, if you can’t stand the idea of her, then dating her father is probably futile.
3. Your boyfriend signed away his rights to his son. And you’re entertaining the idea of having a baby with him? In life, it’s a gift to be given some insight into what kind of partner or parent our significant other might be in the future. Much of the time, we have to guess based on only what we know of our own relationship with him or her thus far. But sometimes, having knowledge of their past relationships can give us some clues. Knowing that your boyfriend signed away his rights to his son gives you pretty big clue what kind of father he might be to a future child, even if you were able to conceive a baby with him at your advanced age. (Again, I know that isn’t a phrase that’s easy to hear, but, when it comes to having a baby, you’d be considered at an advanced age even if you were ten years younger than you are). In addition, you know that your boyfriend’s ex/baby mama had the same issues with him that you’re now experiencing/feeling. What makes you think the outcome would be ANY different for you?
You need to accept that having a child with your fiancé isn’t — and really shouldn’t be — in the picture for you. And considering you can’t stand the idea of his 14-year-old daughter and have no desire to see her or spend time with her, it’s probably in everyone’s best interest if you call off your engagement and just move on. Find someone whose life/lifestyle is a better match for you and with whom you can see yourself being happy without the addition of a baby.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.