Then last Friday night my daughter confronted me, saying that Craig called her again and lied to her, saying I was talking bad about her to my daughter-in-law at lunch. Craig was sitting there and listening to everything she was saying, and he told me to ignore her since she always has drama. So then she texted him and asked him why he called her and lied to her. All my children were involved at this point and he bold-faced lied to me. Then when he got caught, he left. Now my mother just wants me to forget it and reconcile with him. I am crushed. I loved this man with all I had. I feel so torn because I forgave my daughter for sexting him, so I feel I should forgive him, too, but there is more that he’s done and my heart is broken. Please please help give me some advice. — Forgive and Forget?
Craig chronically lies to you, lies to your family, sexts your daughter (!), engages in/ actively stirs up drama among your family, and there’s even more that you haven’t shared here? I don’t know why your mother would suggest you “forget it and reconcile with him,” but that is really horrible advice. If you want to forgive him like you’ve forgiven your daughter, do it only if it makes your heart feel lighter and not because you want to reconcile with him. He’s real bad news and he cannot be trusted. You can’t build a future with him on a foundation that is so substantially shaky. Being heartbroken and crushed isn’t reason enough to stay with someone who will undoubtedly continue breaking your heart and crushing you. It’s time for you to get out of this drama, to start a new chapter free of this energy-suck of a person, and to reclaim your life. And moving forward, love your mama, but take her advice with an enormous grain of salt. Not everyone we care about has the wisdom needed to give appropriate advice.
After that, we enjoyed a “honeymoon phase” for almost six months before we both had to prepare for our college admittance exams. We began contacting each other much less often, like once in a week, and then after the exams we started talking regularly again like before. But lately, for about the past two months, and without giving any reason, he’s not coming online anymore and he doesn’t talk with me. He didn’t even wish me a happy birthday. It’s not like there’s any academic pressure in his life. I know this because we are both in the same grade and during the pandemic there’s much less academic pressure. I don’t know what to do now.
I know this isn’t any fraudulent relationship. I know where he lives, I’ve met with him offline once, and I have his phone number. But we never had a love talk over the phone and we usually used messenger, so I feel very uneasy calling him over the phone since he never once called me. I don’t know why he doesn’t come online. He is not so romantic and very weak at expressing emotions towards me. Also, I was the one who proposed a relationship to him. I’m beginning to think I’m worthless, unloved, and inferior. Please tell me what to do as I’m young. — Feeling Unloved
I promise you, you have value, you are loved, and you are inferior to no one. The problem is that you are measuring your value by the attention a boy gives you — a boy you haven’t even met in person more than one time, have never spoken to on the phone, and have only had minimal online contact with. He doesn’t really know you, and you don’t really know him. To see yourself through the eyes of this person you have so little interaction with is really seeing yourself through your own lens. You’re projecting your own feelings of yourself onto him and are hoping that if he shows positive feelings to you, your self-worth will increase as a result. It doesn’t work that way, especially with someone who has shown he’s no longer interested in developing even a friendship with you.
One of the worst things we can do to our self-esteem is chasing someone who shows little to no sign of wanting to be with us. Mark doesn’t want to be with you, and that choice likely has everything to do with him and his situation and little to nothing to do with you. Remember, he doesn’t even really know you. What you shared may have been a casual online acquaintanceship, and a shared understanding of your familial dynamics and academic responsibilities, but it doesn’t sound like it moved beyond that. One day you’ll have a real relationship and you’ll understand the difference. In the meantime, work on developing companionships – either offline or on – with people who show true interest in getting to know you (and don’t waste time on those who don’t!). Develop and foster hobbies and interests that fill your time and also give you access points to others who may share similar interests.
Soon we’ll move beyond this pandemic and you’ll get to start college, where the promise of new adventures and relationships await. You will find your place in the world. You will become independent of the parents you find too authoritative over you. And you will eventually find someone who shares a mutual desire with you to “move things to the next level.” My hope for you is that it won’t be through that person that you come to the understanding of how awesome you are. My hope is that you will discover your worth before meeting this person and that when he tells you and shows you how much he values you, you won’t have to question his authenticity because you’ll believe it. You will already believe you are amazing and that someone else who is equally so will see and be attracted to the value and qualities you possess. Mark is not that person. It’s time to move on.