“My Fiancée is Threatening to Move Out”
Within three months of him moving in with us, he got laid off. He found another job making significantly less money, but enough to still pay rent. Fast forward a few months to earlier this year and he and my fiancée both got aggravated with one another over something silly. My fiancée told me I needed to tell him to apologize to her, but when I spoke to him, his side of the story was different, and I told my fiancée to just let it go. Over the next month, she became aggravated by little things he would do, like leaving a utensil or two in the sink. My defense for him is that he keeps to himself for the most part.
Well, I ended up telling him that things weren’t working out and I gave him until March of next year to move out (in agreement with fiancée, of course). He said he was already looking elsewhere because he didn’t want to overstay his welcome and that he would more than likely move out in November, but by late December for sure. Unfortunately, within the last two weeks his transmission went out and he asked if it would be OK to stay a little longer so he could save money to replace it. I told him I didn’t think it would be a problem. When I mentioned this to the fiancée last night everything went south, and she said either he moves out by the end of the month or she would.
I told him this morning that his staying after this month was not going to work out, and he said he’s tired of my fiancée always calling the shots and he wants to stay longer. I know she won’t go for it, but what should I do? I don’t want to lose her, but is she controlling me too much? I want to make everyone happy, but at this point that can’t happen. — Three’s a Crowd
It’s not your fiancée who’s controlling you; it’s your roommate. At the very least, he’s manipulating you and you’re actually letting his manipulation put your relationship with your fiancée — the woman you plan to marry and spend your life with — in jeopardy. This guy has been taking advantage of your — and by extension, your fiancée’s — generosity, patience and good will for well over a year now. He knows damn well he’s “overstayed his welcome” and rather than do whatever he can to find a new place to live, he’s continuing to not only overstay his welcome, but blatantly disrespect your fiancée in the process.
You’re about to get married. There are going to be a lot more issues in your future that you and your fiancée will need to compromise on. When you enter into a compromise, it’s important to think about what you’re prepared to sacrifice and what is a non-negotiable for you. Think of this situation with your roommate as practice for all the compromises you’ll be asked to make in coming years. Your fiancée has already sacrificed over a year of privacy so that your friend could have a place to live. She has now made it known that his moving out is a non-negotiable. If it doesn’t happen, she’s moving out. Are you really prepared to sacrifice your relationship because you’re unwilling to stand up to your roommate and tell him to get the hell out already? After a whole year of letting him crash there? Really??
If that’s what you’re saying — that you value the relationship you have with your irresponsible roommate over that with the woman you plan to spend your life with — then you probably aren’t ready for marriage after all. But if you aren’t willing to put your relationship with her in jeopardy, for God’s sake, tell your roommate he has until the end of the month to find a new place to live because you don’t want to share your home with anyone other than the woman you love.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you also may want to check with a lawyer about asking him to leave. Reading the timeline you lay out in your letter and noting the fact that he’s been paying rent, the roommate would be considered a legal tenant in my home state, which means you’d have to go to court and start eviction proceedings. Tell him it’s time to go, and give him a timeline to move out (30-60 days), then stick to it this time. Do not tell him you’re going to consult a lawyer. If he’s not started moving at the end of the timeline, then you’ll have to go to court and start eviction proceedings.
As for the relationship with your fiancee, you two need to get to a counselor pronto to work out issues of compromise and communication. It sounds like she’s very upset that you aren’t listening to her, and that (frankly) you aren’t listening to her. (Note: Listening does not mean doing everything she says. It means really paying attention to her concerns, and weighing them with all due consideration when making a decision that will impact the two of you, no matter how small.) It also sounds like the two of you need to work on conflict resolution because of the way things have played out with your roommate. You’ll want to do this before you marry. These issues will only get worse as time goes on…even after the roommate who wouldn’t leave is long out the picture.
Good luck to you.
Unless they have a contract or written property agreement he has no legal rights. It is the LWs home, not a real rental property. The “rent” is probably just money he hands to him over coffee once a month table. He was given months notice to leave and they had a verbal agreement on that time table. There really isn’t a case and without the money to even fix his transmission can’t see this guy hiring a lawyer anyway.
That’s not true in all states in the US. In MA the friend would be considered a tenant at will, which means the LW would be required to provide at least 30 days notice that the friend needs to move out. Then it’s on the LW to bring the friend to court and spend money on eviction proceedings. The friend could refuse to leave and make LW’s life hell while this all drags out.
I was thinking about this notice thing to. At first, he told the roommate that he had until the end of March to get out. But then, it turns into the end of December. Give him until the end of March like you all originally agreed.
It was agreed that he would leave by March, but then the roommate gave notice of December. So, notice has already been given.
I’m confused about the timeline here. How long did you guys date before getting engaged? How long did you date before she moved in? How old are all of you? (I’m assuming the LW is mid-late twenties at the youngest, if he could afford to build a home).
I generally don’t think ultimatums are a good idea, but the fiancee has been pretty reasonable up until this point- I mean, she probably moved in with thinking they were building a life + home together, and now buddy’s been invading that privacy for over a year. And really, if you can’t choose between your friend and your fiancee + relationship, you probably have no business getting married at all.
Oh, and if he signed a lease and has been paying rent, good effing luck trying to evict him if he refuses to move out.
A friend in need is a friends indeed.
Sorry buddy, ditch the uncompromising chick.
Plenty of fish in the sea.
I’m going to go put on a limb here, and guess you aren’t married.
You know that saying “Bros before Hos”?? Well I’m a firm believer in that –UNTIL you get married or engaged. Once you get married or engaged, that other person becomes your number one priority (until you have a child, I guess, then they take that spot).
You’ve been really good to your roommate- You’ve helped him out and you’ve been a good friend, but now it’s time for you to step up and respect your future wife. Your friend should hopefully have some other people in his life (or a credit card) that can help him with the transmission. It’s not your job to take care of him, but it is your job to take care of your fiance.
LW – There is a line between helping a friend out and being completely taken advantage of. You crossed that many months ago. As someone who has had 3 extended house guests in the last two years there comes a point where it gets to be overwhelming. In one case, my husband’s friend moved from another state and we agreed to put him up while he looked for an apartment and saved a little bit of money. After 3 months I wanted to pull all of my hair out. He was kind and friendly but it got to be really hard to cater to him. I found myself dreading going home because I would feel like I had to entertain him or listen to his problems – which were all self-inflicted. Finally I put my foot down and said he had to move out. He quickly found an apartment and signed a lease, but at 11th hour he realized he did not have enough money. When I found out about this, I couldn’t decide if I wanted to sit in a corner and cry or break something. A similar reaction your fiancee experienced, I bet. We ended up giving him money to get him to move out of the house, because I felt that if we didn’t he would never leave, something would always come up like in your case. This guy needs to move out, especially if he has been living rent free as was the case with us.
If you are worried that your fiancee’s behavior is a warning sign, try to put the situation in perspective. You have said this was your friend, did you fiancee know him really well before he moved in? Does she react extremely to other friends who do not share living space with you? Could her arguments with this guy stem from pent up frustration? Did she start arguing with him immediately or did it build up over time? Think back on the verbal interactions between your friend and fiancee, did he always treat her with respect and offer to help out with cleaning communal spaces or cooking meals? My guess is that the dirty fork blow up is not really about a dirty fork, rather it is about your fiancee feeling like your friend is taking advantage.
“If… you value the relationship you have with your irresponsible, shit-stirring roommate over that with the woman you plan to spend your life with — then you probably aren’t ready for marriage after all.”
Thank you, Wendy.
& LW………. your fiance is a patient woman. Who probably needs a spa weekend for Christmas. Also, jewelry.
Your fiance comes before your friend. Goodbye friend!
“Fast forward a few months to earlier this year and he and my fiancée both got aggravated with one another over something silly. My fiancée told me I needed to tell him he had to apologize to her, but when I spoke to him his side of the story was different, and I told my fiancée to just let it go.”
So…. you took your moocher buddy’s side over your future wife’s ??? MAN. Maybe you should just cut her loose – but still buy the gifts.
My cousin and her husband are super laid-back people who have been married for 7 years and have happily lived with other couples in communal living situations for the entire duration of their marriage.
I also consider myself a (mostly) laid-back and compassionate person, but I NEED MY SPACE. I can’t imagine having a house guest for, what sounds like, 8 months or more. Especially when I’m adjusting to living with a partner.
There are lots of different kinds of people in the world, and they all have different needs. Based on your letter, I wouldn’t say your fiancee is being unreasonable, because perfectly reasonable people would be irritated with a houseguest after many months, even if it were their best friend in the world.
I totally sympathize with the unwanted roommate here. It is ALWAYS something, isn’t it?
That being said, dude, LW, you have GOT to get him out of there. It sounds like he and your fiancee finally just reached point where they can’t live together peacefully anymore. It sucks, but I can’t say I blame her for feeling that way.
To be fair, though, I think her telling you that YOU had to tell HIM to apologize to HER is totally out of line and pretty childish. I appreciate that you’re trying to be neutral and keep the peace here, but I think this is one time where you really have to just choose a side and stick to it.
I agree with Wendy that your fiance seems to be pretty reasonable about this. It is really important that your house feel like her home, too, if you plan to build a future together. That means letting her have say about who lives there and what goes on under your roof. I cannot stress enough how important it is that you help her feel at home in your house. When it comes to big stuff like this, she comes before your friends, period. If you can’t give her that primacy, then she deserves someone who can.
Can you help your buddy out some other way (with your fiance’s approval, of course)? Can you store his stuff for a while, give him a break on rent this month, help him find a new place, or something else to get him on his way without just tossing him to the curb? It sounds like he has had some tough breaks and it’s admirable that you want to help him out. But your helping can’t get in the way of your relationship or soon you won’t have a relationship of which to speak.
man, i’d be SO damn pissed off if i were the finance. wow. i’m surprised she didn’t give you this ultimatum after him living there for 3 months.
your fiance is damn patient, and i’d tell your friend to move out for January 1st.
also, make ammends with your fiance pronto. tell her how much you appreciate her having given up her privacy for the sake of your friend misfortune.
then take her away for a nice weekend just the two of you.
This LW is clearly not ready for marriage. If all his friend had to do was say that “your gf is controlling” to make him come to this site to ask if she is controlling him he clearly doesn’t know his fiancee well. After reading this letter the top 3 traits I would come up with for his SO is kind, generous and patient. For a YEAR she let this guy stay in what was supposed to be their blissful love nest. It seems she has been compromising for quite awhile now and both you and your friend are taking advantage. If I was her and read this letter I would break the engagement. If you have to ask if she is being too controlling and can have your opinion on the love of your life swayed so easily by some grifter – clearly you don’t know this woman well enough to think about forever. When you are ready to put her opinion above those of your friends then you should reconsider the long term. This is just sad.
They’re both controlling you. She should have talked to you more calmly (minus the threats of leaving) about wishing he could move out. And your roommate needs to grow up and realize he can’t live with his friend who is getting ready to get married for the rest of his life.
I think you need to have a talk with your fiancee about communicating better and you need to pick a timeline for your friend and stick to it. Did you tell your fiancee to her face that you thought her issues with him were silly? I might have gotten upset at you if I was in her shoes. Sure the issue might seem silly to you, but living with your fiancee and his friend for a year can’t be ideal. And if he’s been living with you this long (without trying to move out on his own or in with other roommates) I’m going to guess that there will be many ‘transmission’ type issues that constantly come up that prolong his stay. Perhaps thoughts like that prompted your fiancee to get even more upset and threaten to leave?
Bah, ditch them both.
Your friend has lived with you for over a year – why would he need need to stay a “little longer” to save up money? What does a little longer mean? Wasn’t your initial arrangement for only a little while? Why doesn’t he have the money saved already if he has had a job for almost the whole time he has been living there? It seems like something will always come up and you will never be rid of him if you are waiting for him to leave on his own.
I’m not sure why you are willing to risk your happiness for this man. Telling you you are letting your fiancee make decisions for you when things don’t go his way shows his true colours, no? Especially given how long you both have been patient with him. Your happiness doesn’t mean anything to him – he is willing to risk you losing the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with – all so he can avoid responsibility, manning up and taking care of himself. That doesn’t sound like much of a friend to me.
I think the bottom line here is that you’re not ready for marriage. You seem to be swaying whichever way the wind blows. Your fiance says this guy needs to go? OK, he’s going! Your friend says your fiance is controlling? You freak out and ask “OMG, is she controlling?!” You’re going to go through worse than this in a lifetime with someone. You need your own backbone, your own thoughts, your own opinions. You can’t allow people to take advantage of you. Which is exactly what you’re doing here.
For the record, the fiance has been more than patient, in my opinion. And I don’t think it’s controlling to want someone out of your shared home after more than a YEAR of crashing. I’d have been gone LONG before. I also don’t think it’s controlling for her to give an ultimatum. And you know what else? This ultimatum isn’t just about the living situation. I bet your fiance is seriously questioning right now if you have what it takes to make it through marriage – since you’ve so easily let someone walk all over you. Are you going to put her first? Are you going to be able to recognize her needs and her desires in the relationship? I imagine all of that is running through her mind, and if I were her, I’d be having some serious doubts.
You want to make sure you don’t lose your fiance? You want to prove that her doubts are unfounded, and that this relationship will work? Then find that backbone and tell this dude that the charity is over. She comes first now. And if she doesn’t, then please don’t marry her.
Totally agree with Wendy here! I think your fiance has been very understanding about your friend living with you guys. Your friend has had some tough luck, but that’s how it goes and you’ve helped him out for the past year. And you want to know why your fiance starting complaining about little things with your friend? Because when they had a fight, you took his side, therefor your friend caused a wedge between you and your fiance. Thus your fiance probably doesn’t like your friend very much anymore and little things annoy her. It’s never about what it’s about. So she complains about the spoon in the sink rather than the fact that you chose his side of the story over hers. You just need to man up and tell your friend to leave.
Your fiance got in an argument with him and has wanted him out since then. If you verified that your friends side was true then I think your fiance is out of line. It’s your house…she is a guest there too…you aren’t married yet….I would have no issue helping a friend out like you were (pending the size of my house) and I think I would have resentment for my hypothetical fiance if she was giving me crap about it. Her inability to move on from this when she was wrong (if she was wrong) is also a personality flaw I don’t think I’d have patience for.
If the guys story line checks out then he has had poorly timed misfortunes and if I were you I would let him stick around a little longer.
Now if your fiance has every reason to dislike him and you are ignoring her side of the story without any proof then this complicates things and you need to find your buddy some other place to stay ASAP and apologize for being a dingleberry.
What irritates me about this is not that your friend is having a hard time and has overstayed his welcome. It’s that he told you he was tired of your fiancee calling all the shots. If he doesn’t want your fiancee calling the shots, that means that he feels he should be the one calling them. LW, you need to stop being so wishy washy and take a stand. Your friend is recognizing that you aren’t taking a position of your own, and he’s taking advantage of it. He knows you are a people pleaser. You need to take a firm stance, and you need to own it. Don’t put it off on your fiancee, because that’s not fair to her. Say that you two are trying to start your lives together, and you need the space for just the two of you. And then, if you can, offer to help him in another way so that you can keep your friendship with him. Maybe you could offer to help him pay for the transmission so that he can get back on his feet faster. And really, you don’t want to completely throw him out on his ass. But like everyone else said, this is a woman you committed to. She should be your number one.
The biggest red flag for me in the letter is the friend jumping to, “I’m tired of your fiancee always calling the shots.”
This screams of disrespect. The LW might be the only one on the title and mortgage until the ceremony, but it’s the girlfriend’s home as well as it’s the LW’s home. In my home I have an equal say about matters, no greater and no lesser, I think that’s a fair shake to extend to anyone. If the LW doesn’t feel that way, given the commitments stated in the letter, then that’s a lack of respect. If the long-term house guest doesn’t feel that way, and maybe he’s getting that it’s okay to feel that way from the LW, that’s more disrespect.
Co-habitating and engaged to be married is not the same thing as marriage under the law, but when the hell did anyone’s heart ever give a one-eyed gecko about what a bunch of legislators said. This is not a matter before the courts, it’s an issue to be resolved between beloveds. If you love her and you asked her to move in and you plan to marry her, that’s a commitment from the heart. Failing to give her equal say in household business carries a distinct odor of selfishness.
At some point in everyone’s life there’s a need for a rectal-cranial extraction process. To accomplish that here I suggest the LW take a unbiased look at everyone’s motivations, what each person has at stake if they don’t get what they want, and the damage predictions pending his decision. Put away platatudes like “Bros before Hos” and “being controlled” and make an adult decision among less-than-perfect choices.
Yeah, listen to your miserable buddy.. Break up with the woman that you wanted to become your wife, and live happily ever after with your roommate, because essentially that is your choice, because he is not going anywhere unless you throw him out.
But seriously, no, she is not controlling. She is very patient. What if the transmission thing were to happen at the end of the original march deadline, would you have let him stay longer? And what if something were to happen even after that, then what? Your friend is using you and pulling the classic ”you are whipped if you are considerate of your fiancée’s feelings” card. She should definitely take priority over your friend.
You NEED privacy in your own home. No matter how good of a roommate he is, he is intruding into your and your fiancée’s personal space. There’s no getting away from that. You want to have a simple quiet evening at home, and you can’t because he is there. You want to go to the bathroom at night, and you have to get dressed because he is there. You want to walk around in your ugliest and most comfortable sweats and you can’t because he is there, and so on.. You get the picture. For some people, it is impossible to relax, when there is someone there is a relative stranger in the house.
Also, he is not a ”friend indeed”. If he were, he would do everything to help your relationship with the woman you love. He would apologize to her, and not try and cause a rift between you two.
P. S. Bros before hos only applies when you are either in high school, or literally, your brother is more important than a random chick. You are not in high school any more, and the chick is a woman with whom you have decided to spend the rest of your life. So unless this guy is a close relative of yours, she has every right to expect you to back her up on this.
I haven’t read the other comments so I’m sorry if this is redundant.
Your fiancé was fine with your friend moving in until something insignificant rubbed her the wrong way. She got upset because you saw both sides and didn’t demand he apologize, instead you wanted everyone to let it go. She started nitpicking things until you finally decided to just tell your friend to go. So you settled on a timeline with your fiancé for when your friend needed to be out. He was going to leave early but then ran into trouble with his car and would like to stay until the original timeline. Your fiancé is now upset and is giving you an ultimatum about moving out.
It sounds like you resent your fiancé for being upset that you didn’t automatically share her opinion about the silly argument. You come across as resentful that you are trying to have a peaceful resolution and that effort isn’t enough for her. Nobody likes to be handed an ultimatum especially over something that you’ve been trying to fix.
There are a lot of issues here. You mention you met your fiancée shortly after having your house built. Do you consider this house equally hers? From her perspective she probably felt like you are treating your friend with equal regard as her. Because she is going to be your wife she probably expects you to back her up over something that was important to her even (or especially) if it was stupid to you. Her insisting that the roommate move out might have been a way of asserting that the house is hers, too and that her opinions should be valued. It does sound like there are control issues with both of you but they are pretty normal ones early in marriage. What isn’t normal is a spectator.
Unfortunately you have a third wheel, which is the last thing you need right now regardless of who is right and who is wrong. If the roommate is any kind of friend he will understand that you and your fiancé need to sort things out without him around. Surly he can find someone else to take him in, especially if he doesn’t have a job keeping him in the area. That should be priority one. Then you can start working on your communication and control issues with your fiancé. Good luck.
After reading this letter a few times through, it really sounds like you’re siding with your friend, which can’t be making your fiancee too happy. The first obvious clue is that when he had a different side of the story, you told her to let it go instead of asking him to just apologize anyway to keep the peace. A more subtle clue is that you said “she became aggravated by little things she said he would do,” which indicates that you don’t fully believe her. You’re entitled to think she’s making mountains out of molehills about a couple dirty utensils in the sink, but your wording says that you don’t even believe that he did leave utensils in the sink. Finally, the fact that your friend’s comment that your fiancee always calls the shots spurred you to write into an advice column indicates that you think he may have a point.
I don’t know your fiancee and we don’t know your friend, so I can’t say for sure that your friend is a lazy freeloader or that your fiancee is controlling. All I can say is that it sounds from your letter like you are strongly siding with your friend. Maybe you don’t realize you’re doing this, but I guarantee your fiancee can sense it, and that’s probably a big part of her frustration. I think you need to do some soul searching and figure out if you WANT to be on your fiancee’s side – now and for the rest of your life. If you do, then you’ve got to get your friend out of the house ASAP, and work on ways to show her support and respect even when you think she’s being silly. If you don’t, or think you won’t be able to always give her that support and respect, you should let her move out and on with her life.
Am I the only one that thinks that the fiance is the unreasonable one here? If she wanted an apology after the initial tiff, she should have been the one to go ask for it and listen to the roommates side. Instead she acted like a junior high schooler and made the LW do it for her, putting him in the middle. Then, she not happy with the outcome of the situation that SHE created (getting an apology via the fiance) and proceeds to nit pick the shit out of everything that the roommate does. So, she finally gets her way and the LW gives the roommate a generous move out date – which the fiance agreed to – and now because the roommate has fallen on hard times and isn’t able to move out by the moved-up date that HE decided on, she’s giving an ultimatum? What. A. Drama Queen.
The roommate is right, the fiance is calling all of the shots and the LW apparently has no spine because he just caves to her every demand. He doesn’t say whether the fiance is helping with rent, but since the roommate is – he’s a tenant and that makes it his house too. This honestly just sounds like a territory dispute. She has declared that the house is HERS and doesn’t want any interlopers in her space. I suppose that’s her right, but it doesn’t make her the patient saint that you guys are trying to make her into.
The other thing that is very interesting that nobody seems to be paying much attention to is that, hey, it’s his house. They’re not married yet. So, I wonder…does she pay any rent? Probably not. If so, than SHE is the mooch. Seriously. Think about it.
meh, I’ve just read this letter a few times and skimmed through the comments, and most people seem to think that the LW needs to choose a side once and for all. I’m not really all that sure if choosing anyone’s side would be all that productive because I can definitely sympathize with both the fiancee and the friend.
On the one hand, the fiancee was accommodating of the friend in the beginning and even felt bad for him. Then “something silly” (I really wish the LW had elaborated on what exactly had happened) made them dislike each other. LW, when you got your friend’s side of the story and then told your fiancee to “just let it go,” I imagine she got really pissed and then spent the next month trying to get you to see her side. She just wants you to acknowledge that she had legitimate reasons to be upset about that silly thing that happened and wanted you to validate her feelings. It seems like you kept on defending your friend, and she’s sick of the whole “it’s me against my fiancee and his friend” situation.
As for the friend, getting laid off and then getting a job at a significantly reduced salary must suck. It must have been a relief for him on some level to know that he could count on you as a friend. From what I get from your letter, it seems like he’s made himself a little too comfortable and plans on sticking around for as long as humanly possible.
I think the main issue here is that boundaries have been crossed and clear rules have not been established. The first thing that needs to happen is for your friend to come up with a concrete move out plan that includes him signing a contract to have him move somewhere else. If he doesn’t do this now, then he’s not going to do it for possibly years because there’ll always be something that comes up (today it’s the transmission, tomorrow he’s gotten laid off again or something). If your friend comes up to you to complain, then patiently explain to him that it’s been x months and that you’ve enjoyed having him as a roommate, but enough is enough. Remind him that he’s already stated that he doesn’t want to overstay his welcome, so it’s time for him to start moving on.
Don’t worry about making everyone happy. You can never make everyone happy, but at least you can try to make them less disgruntled. Good luck!
LW, when you asked your friend to leave, did you blame it all on your fiancée? I think you need to take equal ownership in this, or else you’re friend won’t take you seriously and will continue to try a and pull the “she’s controlling you” card. I know it’s easy to make her out as the bad guy, but your friend will likely keep taking advantage of your generosity for as long as you avoid taking equal responsibility in the decision.
When deciding what to do in this, or any situation, consider your responsibilities and priorities. Your top responsibility at this point is to your job so that you can pay your mortgage and any other bills you have in your name. Your priorities are those things that aren’t responsibilites but that you value highly. I’m assuming your fiance is a priority. You don’t need to support her or provide her with a place to live but you live with her because you love her and she is the most important person in your life now. So, determine your responsibilities and priorities and put those first. In this case your fiance and your friend can no longer tolerate each other and so you’re going to have to pick one to keep. Which one is your priority? Which one do you value most highly? To look at it another way, would you allow your friend to come between you and your job? Would you be willing to give up your job for him? What about your house? If not those, why would you give up your fiance for him?
I hope you’re not planning to get married soon. Please give yourself time to make sure this relationship is one that can last a lifetime. It will last a few more years before marriage if it is the type to last until death do you part. The two of you need some time alone to see how you feel about each other and to see how well you communicate and make decisions together. So far the two of you haven’t done very well coming to a joint decision in this situation. Take this situation as a warning that the two of you aren’t yet ready for marriage. You need to see if you have shared values and shared priorities. You both need to learn how to express yourselves better and to value the concerns of each other.
I really, really wish I could hear the friend and fiancée’s sides here. It’s impossible to tell from this letter whether she’s exceptionally thin-skinned (it was really over nothing more than a fork in the sink? Not a blatant refusal to ever do dishes or empty the dishwasher, or a bug problem, or in connection with dirty laundry piling up?), or if the friend is really purposely disrespecting her (leaving stuff laying around without ever cleaning up after himself, treating the fiancée like a mother or maid).
You gave him to March initially, and prior posters are correct than in some states (mine is one of them) the friend is a lawful tenant and would need to be formally evicted. Your verbal agreement to let him live there through March could be as binding as a written lease. Set a written date-certain and stick to it.
LW, regardless of whether you think your fiancée was overreacting, you don’t have the right to tell her to “get over it”. This is (from how I read your letter) also her house. It doesn’t matter whether she’s paying rent or not–that’s entirely separate from your arrangement with your friend. The three of you need to set some very specific rules, and the one rule that is never, never, never optional: everyone should feel safe, respected and welcome in his or her own house.
Incidentally, if you’re willing to take your buddy’s side over your fiancée’s, how much does this woman really matter to you? I watched my husband tell a friend from childhood to get out of our house because the friend said rape isn’t really a crime, since women have sex voluntarily all the time anyway. (I didn’t ask him to give friend the boot, but as a survivor of an assault, I was very upset and left the room.) I watched him tell his own mother (with whom I’m now very friendly) to back down or get cut out of the wedding planning entirely after she made snide comments about our income and my parents’ monetary gift to us. And you’re telling her to “let it go”? Counseling. Pronto.
It sounds like you’re being controlled by both of them. What do you want? Without knowing more about either your friend or your fiance, I can’t say if one is more in the right than the other, but you have made a committment to be one of them for the rest of your life. Is this worth throwing away your future with her? On the other hand, if your fiance is pitting you against your friend, is she the woman you thought she was and is she worth being with?
I certainly don’t know the answer to either of these questions, but it needs to be YOU who stands up and makes the decision here. Don’t let yourself contiune to be pushed around by these two.
Why are so many people here talking about who is in the right over that fight, why does it even matter?
The fact is that the roomie and the fiancee don’t like each other, the why doesn’t matter and its only going to get worse. The dislike has got so bad that the fiancee will move out if the roomie doesn’t.
Now the question, who does the LW want to keep? the roomie of the fiancee….
I think they are both playing with your feelings and taking advantage if your good nature, I think you need to reevaluate both relationships and do what is best for you not what everyone else is telling you to do!
So, from what I understand, the LW automatically took the friend’s side when it differed from the fiancee’s side? You’re going to have an unhappy marriage if this becomes a trend.
Anyway, this sort of boils down to who you’d rather keep, the friend or your fiancee. If this is a hard decision for you, then you probably need to rethink your relationship with your fiancee. Not that I think that people should ditch their friend’s for their significant others, but marriage is kind of a big deal and requires both parties to stand by each other through a lot of shit.
Some people are assuming the fiancee is super controlling, but we don’t know what the day-to-day dynamics are at the house. And if she’s asking more than what the LW wants to give, it doesn’t automatically make her wrong (or him wrong), it just means that there are some issues that need to be worked out before they commit the rest of their lives to each other.
I would say that the fiancee has been more than patient. If this guy doesn’t stand by his fiancee, the marriage does not have a chance as she has been more than patient with this loser friend. Just because you stand by your potential marriage partner does not mean you are pussy-whipped. Grow up and tell the doofus friend that he is causing stress in your relationship and it is time to go. Otherwise I do not blame her for walking.
I agree with most of what was stated above, but I’m not sure the moving out was completely a result of the past year. Sure, it contributed a whole hell of a lot, but I think the biggest issue here is that when your friend asked to stay longer, you agreed without talking to your fiance. Either you genuinely didn’t think to consult with her, or you knew she’d say no and intentionally didn’t ask her. I think that’s what has pushed her to the ultimatum.
You know how she feels, but went against that. Did you decide with friend that “a little longer” was the original March deadline, or is it open ended?
Look, she might be controlling, your friend might be freeloading off you, and you might be a people pleaser, but the fact is, on a heated subject you made a decision without working it out with your fiance first. Do you have to run everything past your fiance from this day forward? Of course not, but when it’s something this big (and has been explicitly stated as a big deal) and impacts both of you, you need to include her.
I think she’s probably not sure who’s side you’re on, but this probably sealed the deal for her that you aren’t backing her up and putting her first.
Look, I know this is a tough decision, but this is one where you need to decide, is this woman as important to me as I thought? Or is your friend more important? Only you can answer that, and there isn’t anything wrong either choice. But know that either way you go, someone will probably be hurt, you just need to decide who you want to hurt the least.
wow i surprised this letter is so controversial. I think wendy’s advice to spot on. I’m sure the roommate is the one that planted the “she’s controlling you” idea
I can’t wait for the update on this letter!!!
Neither your fiancee or your friend is 100% in the right. She’s been using you as a third-party to deal with her conflict with the friend (and maybe she just feels uncomfortable about it because its *your* friend, but let’s set that aside for a moment.) He’s been overstaying his welcome at the very least (it’s not clear from your letter whether he pays into the home at all but again, let’s set that aside for now.) I think you and your fiancee need to come to an agreement about how much longer he can stay and then stick to it. Maybe in a calm discussion you can come to some common ground. It sounds like she may have been reacting out of frustration. Offer a compromise (maybe Feb 1? somewhere in the middle) and say “I think that’s fair given that we hoped he’d be gone sooner but we did tell him March originally.” See how that goes.
Ultimately, your fiancee is a 50% partner in your household (and I don’t care if she pays rent – she’s been living there at least a year, she’s your future wife, even if her name isn’t on the mortgage that is her HOME). Of course, since the house is legally yours you are technically free to host your roommate as long as you wish. But you have to be prepared that your fiancee may take her 50% and peace out if you keep the roommate much longer. It’s her choice to make as to whether she can deal with this any more and what that means for your relationship or living arrangements.
Personally, even taking the fiancee out of the equation, I think a year is more than generous of you to host a buddy who is paying, if not no rent, then at least discounted rent. I’m assuming that because you say he wants to stay longer to “save money” which means he would presumably have to pay more in rent somewhere else. He should be seriously grateful and definitely not accusing you of being some sort of sock puppet bending to your fiancee’s will. If I’d been staying with a friend that long and they were like “look you gotta go” I would leave, no questions asked, with a big THANK YOU for the hospitality. So at the very least your friend is being a dickwad in that regard.
i want to know why guest boy was kicked out of his previous rental..