I am newly engaged to a fantastic guy (yay!). We’ve been together for a little over two years and living together (against the wishes of my parents and a few of my friends, who happen to be very conservative Christians). Last week, a very close friend of mine raised concerns that I am getting married without “thinking it through.” She said she’s not sure what a “good friend” is supposed to do: stand there, smile, and pretend to be excited for me, or openly tell me about her concerns for my future. While I agree that a true friend will (and should) say things to you that a fair-weather friend wouldn’t, her comments hit me like a Mack truck; I was completely blindsided. She then said, and I quote, “I don’t know that I’ll be able to stand beside you five years from now when you’re getting a divorce.”
Here’s the kicker: the friend is getting married later this year and I am a bridesmaid. For that matter, I was going to ask her to be in my wedding! I know I can’t just ignore her or pretend the conversation didn’t happen, but I have no idea how to respond to her. I feel that it is in no way appropriate for anyone — friend or otherwise — to talk to someone like that. I could understand her concerns if I were with someone who is abusive, a cheater, a compulsive liar, gambler, or any number of messed-up things people to do sabotage themselves and those around them, but my fiancé is an incredible person: intelligent, funny, hardworking, treats me like gold, and even our families get along great. I just don’t know where a person gets off saying these things to a friend, and especially have no idea how she expected me to respond. — Befuddled Bride
Well, did you friend actually share what her “concerns” about your relationship are or did she simply predict divorce in your near future? If her concerns have any validity whatsoever, then consider them and see what your heart tells you. If your friend really can’t back up her comments with any valid worries — packaged in a compassionate way — dump her ass. She doesn’t have your best interests at heart. Even if she were truly concerned about your well-being, the last thing she’d say is that she doesn’t know if she can be there for your in five years for your inevitable divorce. She’d be making sure her support was known and that she kept you close should you need her.
You know what your “friend” is likely doing? Projecting her own issues and concerns onto you. Whether than means she’s unsure about her own upcoming marriage, or she’s applying her own values to your life, or she’s simply a miserable shrew who can’t stand being happy for someone else, she is not the person who is going to be there for you to share in your joy. So, fuckin’ dump her. Tell her that in light of her recent comments about your engagement, you’ve decided that you cannot be in her wedding if she is not going to show equal support for yours and that at this happy time in your life, you only care to surround yourself with people who can share in your happiness. If she can’t be a friend to you, kick her to the curb. You don’t need her. Get rid of her before her toxicity ruins what should be one of the most joyful times of your life.
*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at [email protected] and be sure to follow me on Twitter.