She has asked me not to tell Matt because he’s unstable (he drinks a lot and suffers from depression). But on the other hand, he loves this baby boy and is a great father. I have told my son about this and he doesn’t want anything to do with the boy — mainly because the girl was wanting a baby and she had told her ex if he wouldn’t give her one she would get pregnant by someone else, which is where my son came in knowing nothing of her attempt. I hope you can give me some insight of what I need to do. — Possible Grandma
The baby in question has a father in his life who loves him and cares for him. You threaten that if you tell Matt, your boyfriend, that your son may actually be the baby’s father. And for what? Your son has already said he wants nothing to do with the baby. Matt’s well-being will be disrupted. Your relationship with him will likely be negatively affected, to say nothing of your friendship with Abby. What good comes for any of these people from you sharing your suspicions with Matt?
I suspect you aren’t as concerned with the well-being of others as you are about yourself. Maybe this is about wanting to claim a grandchild, maybe this is about wanting to free some of your boyfriend’s time, attention, and finances so he has more to invest in you and your relationship. Whatever your motivation is, I find it hard to believe it’s at all altruistic. This is about what you want, and I promise it’s not going to end the way you hope it will if you tell Matt you think your son might actually be his son’s real father.
Speaking of your son, he wasn’t tricked into impregnating Abby if that’s what you’re implying when you say he knew “nothing of [Abby’s] attempt” to get pregnant by someone. Most people – your son, included, I’m sure – know how babies are made. When sex results in a pregnancy, both partners are equally responsible for that pregnancy, especially if the sex was unprotected and no birth control was used.
Since they moved, they have been trying to convince Frank to move to be with them. He skypes with them daily, has several group text chats with them, and then there are daily phone calls from each of them. He also goes to visit them for at least three weeks three times a year and they visit him for at least two weeks four times a year. When they come to visit him, I basically never see him.
I am very much in love with him, but I don’t know if I will ever be as important as they are. I have tried to speak to him about this, and he’s dismissed me and accused me of being jealous. For the record, I have a good relationship with my family, and I still manage to be an independent and self-sufficient individual and have been living on my own since I was 23.
Frank has decided to move to be with his family and has asked me to leave everything behind and come, which I have no desire to do. We are from a large east-coast city, and Frank’s family has moved to the suburbs of flyover country. They know no one there and they haven’t made any friendships in their new town in the five years since they moved there.
My partner is not merely abandoning me, but he’s also leaving behind a 20-year music career, all of his friends (he has many friends), and the place he was born and raised in. I am really trying to wrap my mind around someone wanting to move where the only thing he has are four family members.
I am absolutely devastated. At this point, I do not know if I should make a huge sacrifice and consider moving at some point or attempt long-distance or just walk away. I am concerned nothing will change unless his family poofed out of existence; the hold they have over him has grown over time. I have known my partner for more than half my life—first as friends, then as casual dating partners, and now as partner with me in a serious relationship. Any advice would be much appreciated. — Feeling Abandoned for His Family
Yeah, you need to MOA (move on already – as in move on from Frank, not move with him). This is some dysfunctional cult-like stuff you’re describing and it’s clear Frank’s family has a death-grip hold on him that won’t be released any time soon. If being away from them for five years did nothing to foster his independence from them, you can be damn sure that moving to be with them, where he has literally no other distraction, isn’t going to do it.
The truth is, with the amount of space his family takes in his life and his psyche, there isn’t room for you. That’s true already, and it will certainly be true as he re-establishes his place in their day-to-day lives. He has no intention of building a future with you that isn’t as enmeshed with his family as it’s always been. That’s clearly not something that appeals to you – nor should it! – and you should save yourself further agony and bow out now. Maybe doing so will allow you to stay on friendly terms with Frank and, if you have it in your heart and still have love and care for him, you can be something of a lifeline for him to his old life should he come to his senses and consider disengaging from his cult-y family.
Regardless what happens to Frank, you need to think about yourself, and maintaining a relationship with him at this point will only cause you pain, frustration, and despair. It’s time to MOA.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.