However, he has recently been messaging me – things like “night night” or “wish I were having dinner with you right now,” which I have usually ignored or laughed off, and I have tried to hint I wasn’t happy to receive such messages. But the final straw came when he actually sent a picture of his shirtless back and the top of his naked butt as I was leaving for vacation along with a “bon voyage!” text. I totally flipped and told him I was very uncomfortable and that it had to stop. I feel guilty for yelling at him even though I had done all I could to politely discourage messages before it got to this! I am quite a quiet person and easily made to feel awkward, and I feel he finds this entertaining and takes advantage.
He did apologize, but he still asked if I’d be interested “if he were unattached,” at which point I said he was still being inappropriate, and I stopped replying. As I felt so guilty (for no real reason???), I immediately deleted all messages and pictures, but I am now concerned about whether I should tell my friend. And if I did tell her, I now have no proof! Worse, what if she sees all this on his phone and wonders why I didn’t come to her? (Though at least then she would see I was telling him to stop.) She would not take kindly to this sort of thing and I’m sure would not forgive him, and our close friendship would be ruined.
I will have to continue to spend time around them frequently soon, and it has gotten to the stage where I find him so irritating and uncomfortable to be around that I do not want to be alone with him. I don’t know whether to give him one chance, and try and see a bit less of them in the meantime, until I am certain it won’t happen again. Please help. — Harrassed By Friend’s New Husband
I think one way or another, your friendship with your friend is going to shift. If you say nothing to her about her husband’s creepy behavior, she’s going to wonder why you’re suddenly distancing yourself from her. If you do say something, she may not believe you. Or she may believe you but, rather than punish her husband, she may punish the messenger and drop you as a friend. If it were I, I’d tell. I’d simply feel too uncomfortable with the husband to continue putting myself near his company. Plus, I’d want my friend to know what her husband’s up to. I’d accept that our friendship might be over, but it’s a risk I’d take if it meant not having to deal with the creep, especially considering that even not telling her means risking the friendship.
This whole thing has been devastating especially because there was never any indication of his being unhappy. We also have a very active sex life and he works a lot, so I have no idea when he would even fit in friends with benefits. These emails are from months ago and there haven’t been any since. I need to know if I should confront him about those or let it go. I truly love him and I’m at a loss. — Blindsided By His Sex Addiction
I don’t see how you move on without some therapy for both of you. He says he’s a sex addict. Well, what is he doing to treat it? Is there anything he can do to earn back your trust? Are you always going to be worried that he’s cheating on you? These are questions you would do well to explore with a therapist. There’s a pattern of betrayal and it’s not just a one-time thing. That urge he has doesn’t just go away. You need to feel confident that he’s getting help and that the help is working. Without that confidence, I don’t see how you continue a happy relationship with him.
Yes, I think you should let him go so that he may find someone who doesn’t leave him hanging, who values his character, and who isn’t persuaded enough by snobby family members to question whether liking a person a lot makes up for his not making much money.