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His parents have passed on already, but I’ve met his brother-in-law and sister-in-law, and he has told me quite a bit about his past. I know he was in prison (that’s when I met him the first time as I was a guard there). I also told him things about my past and he has met my son. He’s also showed me pictures of his kids and granddaughter.
When we are together, texting or on the phone, he keeps asking if I miss him and asks if I have replaced him yet with another guy. He usually waits until I call or text him first, and when I’m not in touch for a week or so, he then texts or calls wondering if I have forgotten about him already. In my opinion, we were just friends with benefits, but he calls it a booty call. I started withdrawing from him about four weeks ago since I assumed it’s not going anywhere, plus I have read comments he’s making to some of his female friends on Facebook. He sees my posts and pictures as well but hardly makes a comment. I have now unfriended him on Facebook.
I was wondering why he would care if I replaced him with another guy if he isn’t interested in me. We did go out for breakfast once. When he told me that I was just his booty call and I said that he is just using me for sex, he replied with, “How am I using you just for sex?” He is confusing me.
The first night we met up, we had a car accident on the interstate, and he was very helpful with that by wiring the remaining bumper back to another piece on the car. — Haven’t Replaced Him Yet
Brian:There’s a saying in journalism called “burying the lede.” For example, you would be burying the lede if you wrote a news story about how Lee Harvey Oswald, some clerk in a book depository, committed a murder in Dallas yesterday and then, in paragraph number two, you disclosed that he happened to murder the fuckin’ President of the United States.
You’re burying the lede yourself by first saying you’ve known this guy for about fifteen years but barely talked to him, and then disclosing later that you met while guarding him in a prison for criminal offenders. I’m not worried that you buried the lede, but I am worried that you aren’t making great decisions by contacting this guy, by contacting him again, and by wanting to be in a relationship with him in the first place. I’m worried that you don’t see any of this as a problem.
Anyway, regardless of whether you label your relationship a “booty call” or “friends with benefits” — and maybe I’m not hip to ever-changing definitions of slang, but aren’t they the same thing? — it seems like you guys are on the same page so, in the interest of no longer burying my own lede, let me just say: It doesn’t matter that he became Mr. Fix-It that night, or that he’s “confusing” you by denying that the only thing he liked you for was sex. All that matters is you don’t think he’s Mr. Right, he doesn’t think he’s Mr. Right and, therefore… [MOA — Wendy].
Dennis First off, I had no idea the ability to wire a car bumper together was such an important requirement for a booty call. And here I’ve been using duct tape all these years. No wonder I’ve had so little success with my own booty calls.
Speaking of which…booty call…friends with benefits…what’s the difference? This isn’t anything serious, and you know it’s not going anywhere. You can slap whatever label you want on your arrangement, but it doesn’t change the relationship — or non-relationship, as it were — one bit.
And of course he’s going to miss you if you replace him. What guy isn’t going to miss no-strings-attached sex? I’m sure he realizes that if you start seeing someone, he’s going to lose his booty call (um…probably? hopefully?). And that means he’ll have to wait for another car accident to happen before he gets the chance to show off his wiring skills again and snag himself a new booty call.
To make this super-simple then, let me sum it up for you:
1) He’s interested in you only for sex.
2) He will miss having you only for sex if you replace him with another guy.
3) Just call Triple-A next time, and you can avoid all the messiness of accident-inspired booty calls.
Guy Friday: Holy extraneous information, Batman! Cutting through all of that, what I’m hearing is that you consider him a friend with benefits, you gave up on the potential for more based on signs you got from him and ghosted him, and he’s still texting you? Do I have that right? If so, this can be resolved by a simple but firm text saying: “Sorry, but I’m not interested anymore. I wish you all the best.” And then block him on all forms of contact. There’s absolutely no point in analyzing something that you’re done with, because who cares why it’s done if it’s done? Now, if I’m wrong and you DO want more with him, then ask him what he wants directly, and if you don’t like his response or he won’t give you a straight answer, than end it formally. But this whole “I’m going to ghost and hope he gets the message” thing obviously isn’t the right tactic to take.
Also, the armchair psychologist wonders if you’ve considered that maybe your lack of interest in him stems from the equalization of that guard/inmate power imbalance you used to have. And the lawyer in me wants to slap you upside the back of the head and remind you that THERE IS A REASON THEY TELL YOU NOT TO SCREW INMATES YOU SUPERVISED. I mean, not to sound harsh, but you might want to talk to a criminal defense lawyer in your area just in case he starts making accusations related to your job (assuming you’re still a guard).
Drew: Does JDate still exist? …The dating site for Jewish singles? I just Googled it and it does. Are you Jewish? Are you interested in Jewish men? Then you should try JDate. Other than that, I don’t know what advice to give you.
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Skyblossom January 18, 2016, 11:00 am
You seem too old to be this confused about a guy who just wants to meet up to have sex. Why did you introduce him to your son if all you wanted was a friend with benefits? Even if your son is an adult, why would you introduce him to the guy you just want to keep in your life for sex? I also don’t understand why you contacted him in the first place, you guarded him in prison. You aren’t peers, even if he is now out, you are either a former guard or a current guard with a former prisoner. Why start this drama in your life? The question you need to ask is not why he would ask you if you’ve replaced him with another guy but why you contacted him in the first place. Why did you do that? What did you expect from that contact? Why invite drama into your life?
laurahope January 18, 2016, 11:02 am
I had a fwb once who was a mathematician. He could calculate any tip in his head in like 10 seconds. But yeah, I left him for a car mechanic. You’re right– any guy who can fix your car totally rocks. Just saying.
Skyblossom January 18, 2016, 11:14 am
My husband is a chemist. We call AAA and let them take care of it. If a guy rocks he rocks and whether he can fix a car has nothing to do with it. Every guy has something he can do that many can’t and we value that something whether it is fixing a car, soothing a fussy baby, cooking dinner, being great in bed or planning great surprises. Whatever their special skill is we enjoy it.
SpaceySteph January 18, 2016, 3:00 pm
I, too, find a “car guy” attractive. Something about free oil changes for life. 😉
Alex January 18, 2016, 11:36 am
I very much appreciate Drew’s advice. Simple. To the point. Everything this letter was not.
ktfran January 18, 2016, 2:04 pm
All the advice was great. And humorous. And spot on. Thanks fellas for the smile!
SpaceySteph January 18, 2016, 3:00 pm
Dude, you’re a prison guard and he’s a former inmate who was formerly in your charge. You have to know that this is a terrible idea and one that probably could get you in trouble at work if the wrong supervisor got wind of it.