“My Girlfriend Found Racy Texts I Sent Another Woman”
Also, I have a best female friend who recently got out of an engagement, whom I talk to occasionally, and for a long time, we have traded semi-raunchy sexual comments. It has ceased in recent years, but has re-surfaced, mostly by my doing, as I feel bad that she lost her engagement and I am trying to make her feel better about herself. My girlfriend saw the messages and needless to say, she was not happy, but indicated that she trusted me, loved me, and knew I would never cheat on her. I confirmed the same and told her that I did it to make my friend feel better. I told her that I would stop it because nothing to me is worth losing her.
My questions are: (1) what can I do to approach her about her temper and her acting out without her freaking out; (2) although she says it is OK, do you think there is anything more I can do to repair the damage done by the texts she saw? – Tired and Stressed Lover
You two moved WAY too fast considering there was a child involved. Moving in together after knowing each other only two months could be romantic in a sort of “whirlwind” way, but when one of you has a child, it’s just irresponsible. When you don’t know each other very well and your relationship is so new and you haven’t yet figured out how to work together to overcome challenges — because you haven’t been together long enough to face challenges — there are just so many ways the child’s life, not to mention your relationship, can get messed up. And now you’re seeing firsthand exactly how that can happen.
It was no coincidence that your racy exchanges with your friend resurfaced at exactly the same time you began to see a side of your girlfriend you don’t like. It doesn’t take a genius to understand how sending racy texts to another woman might jeopardize his relationship with his girlfriend. At the very least, you must have known on some level it could very well create some tension between you. And I wonder if that’s what you wanted to do — create a distraction from the real issue at hand: that you and your girlfriend moved too fast, and that her behavior and short temper upset you. But instead of dealing with the latter issue, you created a new one. Now, not only do you still have concerns about your girlfriend’s acting out, she has concerns about your relationship with your friend, and you both are worried about trust.
How do you fix this mess? I would first admit that perhaps you made a mistake in moving in together so quickly and maybe need to back up, move into separate homes, and get to know each other and nurture your relationship a bit more before sharing a living space. If you don’t want to do it for the good of your relationship and your mental health, do it for your girlfriend’s child who didn’t ask to be put in the middle of what could very well become a volatile, unhealthy home if things continue as they have been. Next, you need to discuss what it is about your girlfriend’s behavior — especially the way she swore in front of (to?) your apartment staff — that bothers you. You can’t change her behavior — that’s up to her — but you can discuss your feelings surrounding it and how her behavior affects you and impacts your life. Once your girlfriend understands how and why her behavior directly affects you and your relationship and she still doesn’t work on changing it, then you know where you stand with her and you need to MOA if her behavior is a deal-breaker.
As for the damage done by the texts your girlfriend saw, you should apologize for being a bonehead, first and foremost, if you haven’t already. If she says she’s “OK,” then drop it. Obviously, quit sending racy texts to your friend, quit being sneaky, and quit secretly doing anything you know your girlfriend wouldn’t approve of. Put the friendship with this other woman on the back burner for now. Your focus right now should be on your own personal life, which is kind of messy at the moment, and not on your friend’s broken engagement. But if you ever find yourself in a position again of wanting to make a woman feel better about herself, especially in the wake of a breakup, know that there are much better ways to do so than sending “semi-racy” text messages. You can be a good listener, invite her to join you and some friends for a fun night out, drop by with some take-out, bring her some magazines from the bookstore, send her a funny postcard in the mail. Be creative! And whatever you do, if you’re in a relationship with another woman — especially a new relationship where you’re still building trust — clue your girlfriend in on your friendship with this other woman and let her know your feelings are strictly platonic and your intentions are good-natured and sincere.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
I second what Wendy said. But I mostly want to know about this “apartment staff.” Like, the doormen and leasing agents if you’re in a managed-owned place? Or are these people who pick up after you, clean, turn down your covers at night and leave chocolate on your pillow (on purpose – not the chocolate that gets smeared on my pillow when I fall asleep next to a half-eaten bar)? Because I like the sound of apartment staff. I could use a staff. And if I met someone with apartment staff I’d move in after 2 months too. I’m just trying to give you the benefit of the doubt.
Whatever happened to sending people flowers or a card to make them feel better?
Right? Raunchy texts? Yeah, that really shows he cares. 🙄
Holy crap. Really, two months?
So, LW, why exactly did you guys move in together after 2 months? Did you find a new place together or did she move into your place? Or did you move into hers? Cuz if she moved herself and her kid into your place 2 months in…well, I ain’t saying she’s a gold digger, but….
Also this is some ripe bullshiz to claim that you send raunchy text messages to your friend to “make her feel better”. That’s not the real reason, don’t even lie.
Oh Lord. Just… no.
Like AP, I’m confused about the notion of an apartment staff. I hate to go this route, but are you really well-off, LW? Is that why this single mother wanted to move in with you so quickly, with her 6-year-old son? (I’m afraid I sound like BGM right now, but really, what reason would two people have for moving so fast in a relationship?)
I get the raunchy text message thing, especially since this relationship is new. Honestly, I had an old FWB and an ex that I used to trade “raunchy” messages with & it’s an awkward thing to suddenly tell them “Oh wait, can’t do this anymore!” especially if you…well, still kind of want to.
I’m not totally letting you off the hook though, LW…oddly, the part that most irked me about this letter was the “temper” thing. Does your girlfriend REALLY have a problem expressing herself, or is she just too loud for your sensibilites? The cursing out thing sounded weird, but then again, she also seemed to take your text messages dalliances in stride (which wouldn’t have been the case for somebody who routinely “freaks out” about stuff)
Rather than wanting to adjust her behavior, maybe you could think about it as getting to know her? Merging lives at such a fast pace is bound to have some kinks. As you both settle in (orrr decide to move on…) your interactions with each other, old friends, and apartment “staff” could settle as well.
I’m really pissed that you moved into this little boy’s life as a father-figure, and now you don’t like Mom’s anger problem, and you’re going to leave him.
When you break up with her, you break up with a six year old boy too. Think about that.
This whole letter just pisses me off. The LW’s and his girlfriend’s immaturity, irresponsibility, and lack of good judgment aren’t just screwing THEM over…they’re screwing over an innocent kid, too.
Seriously, LW? Did you and this child’s mother have ANY concern for anything other than yourselves when you moved in together? Did you think about how moving in a child with some stranger might affect him? Did you consider the role you’re going to have to play as a parent, of sorts, to this child? Are you ready for that role? Because I don’t think you are. In fact, I don’t think you know the first thing about being a parent, even in a diminished capacity. If you DID, I doubt you would have moved in with someone you barely knew. I doubt you would still think it was a good idea to send inappropriate, sexual texts to another woman when you live with a new girlfriend and her son.
I don’t have any advice for you, other than to do yourself, your girlfriend, and her son a favor by ending this relationship. You’re not ready for a serious relationship, if you’re sending the kind of texts you’re sending. And she’s likely not mature enough or secure enough for a healthy relationship, either, if she thinks moving THIS fast when she has a child is a good idea. I could say so much more, but this whole thing just pisses me off too much. Grow up, both of you.
By the way, your girlfriend doesn’t have an anger problem. She’s a bit uncouth, that’s all. Swearing in front of the help? Heaven forbid. And I wonder if her rough edges are actually a bit appealing to you.
I have lived with a woman with anger issues, and let me tell you straight up: if she had an anger problem, she wouldn’t have forgiven you so quickly for texting another woman. your balls would be hanging from the light shade.
So, everything Wendy said is spot on!
I just need to call this guy out though. I understand getting caught up in a relationship and moving faster than you should have. Hey, we all make mistakes. I also understand that it can really suck living with someone with a temper. It sucks to be the recipient of their anger. And it sucks to be embarrassed when they blow up at perfect strangers for silly reasons. I totally empathize with you here. I sincerely hope your lady friend is willing to work on some of those issues for the health of your relationship and for her life (and her child’s life!!!!!) in general. HOWEVER, you need to take a lot more ownership here, buddy! You SO know you are lying to everyone… you did not sexy message that girl to “cheer her up”. What a crock of crap. You did it because it turns you on. You did it because you find your friend hot or even just a fantastic self-esteem boost. Do not pretend you are doing it for selfless reasons… you are doing it for SELFISH reasons.
Own it.
And then do everything Wendy says.
I am horrified and disgusted by the lack of respect, concern, and responsibility your girlfriend shows for her child. Her son should be her first priority, and frankly, moving in with you so quickly was incredibly stupid on her part, and is disruptive and confusing for him. Should things get worse between you and your girlfriend, he is going to be upset and unsure of where his place is in his own home. This relationship and move could be hugely damaging to him.
I grew up with the best stepdad and step family anyone could ask for, and my mom was young when she met him, but she took her time and made sure it was the right fit for both her and I before taking things further with him. yes we had some rough patches, as all kids and step parents do, but I am very close to my stepdad and I wouldn’t trade my situation for anything. My mom and him did a great job of helping me keep my relationship with my dad and they managed to turn what could be a negative situation into a very positive one.
I would take a good look at your relationship and your girlfriend – there’s a reason she moved in so quickly. I am going to assume you’ve never dated someone with a child before, so please, think long and hard about how this relationship is going to affect her son’s life. If you don’t see it working out long term, its best to get out now and not let things dissolve into a bad home situation for him. Yes he’s only 6 but trust me, he picks up on a lot more than you would realize and he knows in some way that your relationship with her is going south.
Furthermore – don’t be a douche and send this other woman text messages, especially when there is a child involved in the situation.
Moving in with someone after 2 months? Bad. That kid is going to be so confused. I don’t think I would describe a person who is “unable to speak her position quietly and civilly at times” bold. It sounds like she has anger issues and/or lack of impulse control. Throw in immaturity and this is not a good combination. I can be a potty mouth, sure, but I do know other words and I use them when appropriate. I would bet that the swearing at the apartment staff was not the first incident? No one calls a meeting over one bad word. Frankly, she sounds like too much trouble to keep around. One of my relationship rules is: if I have to apologize for your behaviour, you will not be around long. Another one is: if you send raunchy texts to another girl, you will not be around long. I think this relationship is doomed and I feel for that poor little boy.
What is it with men thinking thinking that the best way to offer friendly support automatically equates to raunchy texts/emails/phone calls? Look LW, I understand that you are hoping to validate your friend’s desirability especially in the wake of a broken engagement – but seriously talk about false advertising. You are in a committed monogamous relationship so STOP hitting on people when you are completely off the market. Not only is that unfair to your friend it is REALLY shitty behavior to do to your girlfriend.
You are ridiculous, but then so is the woman you have chosen to live with.
If you actually want to fix this, and don’t just want to be seen as the good guy while she screams and rages at the staff:
Keep your friendship with BFF platonic. Perhaps tell her you are making an effort to do so, so (as a good friend should) she can support you?
ASK your girlfriend why she gets so angry, and consider anger management classes. BUT only talk about this when she is calm.
If you actually care about the kid, try to cultivate a relationship with him, one which you intend to continue whether or not your relationship with his mother continues. If you cannot do this, consider breaking off your relationship. if you cannot do either, MAKE SURE the kids Dad is aware that you have no intention of being step-dad. Some adult, somewhere, has got to have this kids best interests at heart. It doesnt sound like that person is Mum.
Sounds to me like you are going to be stuck in this relationship for a long time, even when you hate each other. Do the kid a favor, and don’t hold on to this relationship longer than it really last, because he is the one that is actually getting hurt. Besides that, you guys aren’t good for each other, you think she has an anger problem, and she will never actually trust you, because you send inappropriate texts to a girl to try to cheer her up.
I wonder why Hallmark hasn’t jumped on this band wagon for V-day. Who wouldn’t love a card that says Happy Valentine’s day, I can’t wait to smell your wet pussy all over my face.
2 month relationship + 6 year old + sexting + “bold” (immature) girlfriend = some daytime talk show.
What kind of parent does that to her kid? A trashy mom, that’s who.
Do we really need to be subjected to this nonsense?
SHE sounds decidedly unstable. No doubt it was SHE who wanted to move in together so fast… (It always, always is…) Now it’s time for YOU, LW, to move out fast! Look, sadly, the kid barely knows you, he will be fine… I get so tired of the phrase issues… Back in my day being so “bold” and unable to control your “temper” didn’t make you somebody with issues… It made you a fucking psycho. Seriously. Anybody who is frequently “unable to speak her position quietly and civilly at times” is not somebody with issues… That’s somebody who is bat shit crazy… And now your building’s staff is so concerned about it that they want a meeting? Well, hey, at least that proves you aren’t overreacting here… Dump the head case and move on already…
As a single parent myself few things chap my ass more than someone who puts their social and dating life before their child. I would be highly suspicious of anyone with a child wanting to move so quickly into such a serious relationship with someone they don’t know. LW do the child a favor and end things with this girl so she can put her focus and attention where it belongs instead of on you and your sexting exploits with someone else.
Also dropping a few swear words does not an anger problem make.
People here are so harsh.
Two people fell in love; they’re spending all their time together. One of them has a child. So far so good. The guy did something wrong: he flirted by text with another woman. But he’s sorry, she’s forgiven him and all is well. His biggest problem is the fact that she’s a bit of a loose cannon and he would like her to learn how to behave in well-to-do society. And he wants some advice on how to best handle that.
That’s it. There’s really no big deal here, no crime, no major injustice, and people need to calm down. Now will everyone stop flaming the poor bastard and his girlfriend?