Also, I have a best female friend who recently got out of an engagement, whom I talk to occasionally, and for a long time, we have traded semi-raunchy sexual comments. It has ceased in recent years, but has re-surfaced, mostly by my doing, as I feel bad that she lost her engagement and I am trying to make her feel better about herself. My girlfriend saw the messages and needless to say, she was not happy, but indicated that she trusted me, loved me, and knew I would never cheat on her. I confirmed the same and told her that I did it to make my friend feel better. I told her that I would stop it altogether because nothing to me is worth losing her.
My questions are: (1) what can I do to approach her about her temper and her acting out without her freaking out; (2) although she says it is OK, do you think there is anything more I can do to repair the damage done by the texts she saw? – Tired and Stressed Lover
I’m just going to say it: you two moved WAY too fast considering there was a child involved. Moving in together after knowing each other only two months could be romantic in a sort of “whirlwind” way, but when one of you has a child, it’s just irresponsible. When you don’t know each other very well and your relationship is so new and you haven’t yet figured out how to work together to overcome challenges — because you haven’t been together long enough to face challenges — there are just so many ways the child’s life, not to mention your relationship, can get fucked up. And now you’re seeing firsthand exactly how that can happen.
It was no coincidence that your raunchy exchanges with your female friend resurfaced at exactly the same time you began to see a side of your girlfriend you don’t like. It doesn’t take a genius to understand how sending raunchy texts to another woman might jeopardize his relationship with his girlfriend. At the very least, you must have known on some level it could very well create some tension between you. And I wonder if that’s what you wanted to do — create a distraction from the real issue at hand: that you and your girlfriend moved too fast, and that her behavior and short temper upset you. But instead of dealing with the latter issue, you created a new one. Now, not only do you still have concerns about your girlfriend’s acting out, she has concerns about your relationship with your friend, and you both are worried about trust.
How do you fix this mess? I would first admit that perhaps you made a mistake in moving in together so quickly and maybe need to back up, move into separate homes, and get to know each other and nurture your relationship a bit more before sharing a living space. If you don’t want to do it for the good of your relationship and your mental health, do it for your girlfriend’s child who didn’t ask to be put in the middle of what could very well become a volatile, unhealthy home if things continue as they have been. Next, you need to discuss what it is about your girlfriend’s behavior — especially the way she swore in front of (to?) your apartment staff — that bothers you. You can’t change her behavior — that’s up to her — but you can discuss your feelings surrounding it and how her behavior affects you and impacts your life. Once your girlfriend understands how and why her behavior directly affects you and your relationship and she still doesn’t work on changing it, then you know where you stand with her and you need to MOA if her behavior is a deal-breaker.
As for the damage done by the texts your girlfriend saw, you should apologize for being a bonehead, first and foremost, if you haven’t already. If she says she’s “OK,” then drop it. Obviously, quit sending raunchy texts to your friend, quit being sneaky, and quit secretly doing anything you know your girlfriend wouldn’t approve of. Put the friendship with this other woman on the back burner for now. Your focus right now should be on your own personal life, which is kind of messy at the moment, and not on your female friend’s broken engagement. But if you ever find yourself in a position again of wanting to make a woman feel better about herself, especially in the wake of a breakup, know that there are much better ways to do so than sending “semi-raunchy” text messages. You can be a good listener, invite her to join you and some friends for a fun night out, drop by with some take-out, bring her some magazines from the bookstore, send her a funny postcard in the mail. Be creative! And whatever you do, if you’re in a relationship with another woman — especially a new relationship where you’re still building trust — clue your girlfriend in on your friendship with this other woman and let her know your feelings are strictly platonic and your intentions are good-natured and sincere.
*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com and be sure to follow me on Twitter and ‘like’ me on Facebook.
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Addie Pray June 12, 2012, 9:09 am
I second what Wendy said. But I mostly want to know about this “apartment staff.” Like, the doormen and leasing agents if you’re in a managed-owned place? Or are these people who pick up after you, clean, turn down your covers at night and leave chocolate on your pillow (on purpose – not the chocolate that gets smeared on my pillow when I fall asleep next to a half-eaten bar)? Because I like the sound of apartment staff. I could use a staff. And if I met someone with apartment staff I’d move in after 2 months too. I’m just trying to give you the benefit of the doubt.
dandywarhol June 12, 2012, 11:10 am
And what apartment staff sits someone down to talk about their behavior?? What is this magical place?
TheGirl June 12, 2012, 11:45 am
Unfortunately I think they just mean the maintenance staff… but I too dream of a place where staff will turn down my covers and put a little chocolate on the pillow. Or an Andes mint… I can’t remember the last time I had one of those things…
Addie Pray June 12, 2012, 11:54 am
But a maintenance staff with the power to call a sit-down meeting to discuss a tenant’s potty mouth? That’s a powerful staff. Something’s not adding up with this LW. I call bologna, which I think should be spelled “balonnie” but no one asks me these things first.
TheGirl June 12, 2012, 1:02 pm
Yeah, I have a feeling it was more than just using a bad word. Perhaps it was a derogatory word aimed at the staff? Possibly also not the first time she’s gotten into it with them??
Personally, I think it should be balowny if they want me to say it right. Instead, I just pronounce it BOH-log-na. I think I do it out of spite. Who does bologna think it is anyway? It’s just a really big hotdog that’s been sliced!
lets_be_honest June 12, 2012, 12:30 pm
My dad goes to work at 4 am. Every morning he leaves an Andes mint on his pillow for my stepmom for when she wakes up, for over 10 years now.
TheGirl June 12, 2012, 12:57 pm
That is SO AWESOME. I need to train my husband to do that…
dandywarhol June 12, 2012, 1:00 pm
Omg. That is the cutest thing ever.
JK June 12, 2012, 9:10 am
WWS (What Wendy said)
Also, since it came up in yesterday´s comments as well: Guys, I would not recommend sending cute and definitely not raunchy messages to “cheer a friend up”. I for one would be totally weirded out if a guy friend did this to me, and I would be toally pissed if my husband did send them to a friend.
Addie Pray June 12, 2012, 9:14 am
“WWS”! Brilliant. Why did it take us 1.5 years to come up with that? Wendy should add “WWS” to the FAQ. It’s a thing starting now.
JK June 12, 2012, 9:16 am
I know, right? I must have woken up inspired today. 🙂
I just got tired of typing out the whole sentence (I´ve done it on enough letters!)
painted_lady June 12, 2012, 10:14 am
Right? There’s nothing that makes me feel better about life than inappropriate sexual comments from a man in a committed relationship.
katie June 12, 2012, 11:12 am
haha… all of life’s problems! solved! done! it was so easy! lol
bagge72 June 12, 2012, 11:20 am
Hmm so you think my fiancee would be ok, if I just started sending pics of my junk to my female friends everytime they are having a bad day?
Addie Pray June 12, 2012, 11:28 am
I assumed she was ok with the pics you sent me, but now i dunno!
bagge72 June 12, 2012, 11:43 am
Yeah she was ok with it, because it was a good angle, and she can brag to her friends. I really know how to make the light work for me!
katie June 12, 2012, 11:29 am
and hers. dont leave her friends out of it!!
bagge72 June 12, 2012, 11:44 am
Haha of course not, I actually think her mom was having a bad day today! Well got to run to the mens room really quick… Hope that wasn’t too far……
katie June 12, 2012, 11:45 am
you are a wonderful example of a son in law. wonderful.
Suzanne June 12, 2012, 11:45 am
LOL!
Moneypenny June 12, 2012, 12:27 pm
Hahaha! Seriously.
I vote this for comment of the day.
dandywarhol June 12, 2012, 1:02 pm
I know that’s what I need. Mmmm adultery, the one thing to put a smile on
My face!
Trixy Minx June 12, 2012, 11:12 am
When I find myself in a tricky situation I think WWWD or WWAPD they’d handle it with class.
Addie Pray June 12, 2012, 11:29 am
A W E S O M E
Addie Pray June 12, 2012, 11:29 am
unless you meant Al Pacino.
Addie Pray June 12, 2012, 11:32 am
which reminds me, in high school science we dissected pigs and i named mine Al Pigcino.
Guy Friday June 12, 2012, 12:17 pm
Can we at least agree that there’s a big difference between sending raunchy texts and texting someone that they’re “cute”? Because I don’t know that it’s fair to equate the two.
JK June 12, 2012, 12:22 pm
Raunchy is def. worse. I personally wouldn´t be OK with either though.
Guy Friday June 12, 2012, 12:31 pm
And that’s understandable. But there are a couple points in the thread so far where I get the impression people are pointing to the letter from yesterday (though I’ll fully admit I read this letter and immediately thought, “Did Wendy plan this, or is this the world’s biggest coincidence?”) — and in particular my comment — and trying to equate the two. And I don’t think it’s fair to do, because I in particular would NEVER disrespect my significant other the way this LW is, but I don’t consider genuinely cheering up a female friend by calling her “cute” to be disrespectful. I think a lot of people are cute, but that doesn’t mean I want to get raunchy with any of them.
JK June 12, 2012, 12:39 pm
I think that a friendship between a married guy (or in a committed r/ship) and a single girl walks a very fine line, and that in order to not be inappropriate (or disrespectful to the guy´s SO) there are things that are just not done. Of course exactly what is inappropriate or disrespectful depends on a lot of factors: how long the people have been friends, what the couple decides on, etc.
That´s why I said *I* would be pissed off if my husband sent cute or raunchy messages.
Lili June 12, 2012, 4:58 pm
THIS! And also, ladies speak up the FIRST time he does something with another female in your presence that bothers you. Because his reaction is the most telling thing. If he understands and rectifies his behavior, this man cares about your feelings. If he’s dismissive, chances are he will be dismissive about your feelings in the future as well. Man I wish I could travel back in time and tell 2007 Lili this!
ktfran June 12, 2012, 1:10 pm
Agreed.
It completely depends on context. Don’t say something like “you’re cute” to another person if you wouldn’t say it in front of your signifiact other.
For example, I see nothing wrong if – in both a group or text setting – someone was having a hard time because of a breakup, or being single, or whatever – and someone said “hey, don’t sweat it, you’re cute and fun and will find someone.”
Now, if that same guy was sending private messages to a girl that said you’re cute and didn’t want his wife to see – that’s a problem.
Muffy June 13, 2012, 7:35 am
Yeah it all depends – if you don’t want your significant other to find those messages then they are inappropriate.
DMR June 13, 2012, 9:51 am
“I don’t consider genuinely cheering up a female friend by calling her “cute” to be disrespectful. ”
It is. Towards your wife.
painted_lady June 12, 2012, 1:29 pm
For sure. I probably shouldn’t be commenting today because this whole situation is sort of giving me the giggles. I’m just being stupid to illustrate how bizarre this letter is to me.
iwannatalktosampson June 12, 2012, 9:12 am
Whatever happened to sending people flowers or a card to make them feel better?
iwannatalktosampson June 12, 2012, 9:12 am
Just so y’all know – If I’m having a bad day please don’t send me dick pics. A great big hug will do just fine.
JK June 12, 2012, 9:18 am
Do some women actually enjoy dick pics? I mean sure, “in the flesh” is one thing, but a photo?
Addie Pray June 12, 2012, 9:21 am
Eh, I’m not sure “in the flesh” one are that nice. They are kind of ugly, imo. Unless by “in the flesh” you mean inside your flesh, that’s enjoyable.
Oh my god it’s too early for the tangents I’m starting. I’m going out to breakfast. Everyone ignore me for the rest of the day.
JK June 12, 2012, 9:23 am
I dunno, I know they´re not very aesthetically enjoyable, but at least seeing one in real life can lead to something. But a photo?
bagge72 June 12, 2012, 11:21 am
Ok, have lost of sausage!
Addie Pray June 12, 2012, 11:30 am
hellooo, i’ve been a vegetarian since 2 saturdays ago minus the burger i had on sunday, duh! (i’m officially a part-time vegetarian who also eats fish.)
bagge72 June 12, 2012, 11:45 am
They make soy sausage!
MsMisery June 12, 2012, 1:02 pm
I agree they aren’t that great in person or in a photo. I think it was Louis CK who said that they all look like Dr. Seuss trees and he has no idea how women take men seriously in the bedroom.
SweetPeaG June 12, 2012, 9:22 am
No… I personally do not enjoy photos like that. I do like that body part in person. But pictures of them make me say EWWW! Is that weird?
iwannatalktosampson June 12, 2012, 9:24 am
Right – but you don’t like it because you’re like, “oh man nothing turns me on like some nice wrinkly balls” I mean lets be honest – they’re not pretty looking. But we like them anyway – they’re like a ford – not flashy but get you from point A to point B.
Addie Pray June 12, 2012, 9:26 am
I kind of want you to define points A and B. And C through Z. I’m intrigued.
iwannatalktosampson June 12, 2012, 9:36 am
Addie it is way too early for a discussion about getting from point A to point B and you know it!
Addie Pray June 12, 2012, 11:31 am
Well, I guess I figured what A to B was since the penis gets you there, but now I want to know what C thru Z is because I might be missing out on a lot of stuff.
theattack June 12, 2012, 9:26 am
I love a good picture of a good penis. I look forward to those surprises on my phone or email.
Budj June 12, 2012, 9:52 am
And now…being intrigued that there is one person that likes dick pics here…what would constitute a “nice dick, dude” compliment? What makes an attractive penis?
Fabelle June 12, 2012, 10:22 am
Is this a serious question? Because I’m prepared to jump in & answer, haha.
Fabelle June 12, 2012, 10:25 am
(No, I’m not.)
Budj June 12, 2012, 10:26 am
yes, actually, haha. I have mostly just heard that “they are weird looking” and I agree….you have reverse bending ones…heads that are smaller than shafts….bulbous heads….triangle heads….gigantic veins….some have like tricolored fleshtones…too much weird to wrap my head around.
Fabelle June 12, 2012, 10:36 am
haha! Okay well, one that’s pretty much opposite of all that would probably earn a “nice dick, dude” comment. (Although, I actually like gigantic veins & pretty much all of them are somewhat discolored? so that doesn’t bother me)
CatsMeow June 12, 2012, 10:58 am
Since we’re talking about penises…..
I think I broke my boyfriend’s penis. And now he hasn’t had a boner in like 2 days. (That’s a long time for him).
CatsMeow June 12, 2012, 11:15 am
Guys? Any penis injury stories? I really don’t think he wants me anywhere near it now. It bent and popped. He’s gonna be ok right? RIGHT?
Trixy Minx June 12, 2012, 11:17 am
He probably sprained it. I accidentally did that to a guy before. Its painful but it heals, just don’t use it.
Budj June 12, 2012, 11:24 am
omfg my penis hurts after reading that description….I have never broken my penis….so I can’t offer you any words of comfort. I’m sure it will be ok though? Maybe?
JK June 12, 2012, 11:32 am
A physiotherapist friend of mine once had a patient with a “broken” penis, it was one of her first patients, he arrived with a note from the dr. saying he needed ultrasound.
My friend freaked out, luckily she went to ask the dr, she had to teach the guy how to use the ultrasound on himself, luckily.
Maybe your bf should give it another day or so, if it´s still very sore, he might have to see a dr.
katie June 12, 2012, 11:48 am
i read a playboy article about breaking penises once.. i dunno if this is like the worst case senario, but the guy in the story actually ruptured one of the chambers in his penis that holds the blood or something like that… but he was ok in the end. maybe if it doesnt get better he should see a doctor, though, you know?
CatsMeow June 12, 2012, 11:49 am
OK I was afraid to click that link. We didn’t go to the ER. There was no swelling or bruising. He said it doesn’t hurt right now – he just hasn’t had a boner. He’ll get over it, I’m sure.
iseeshiny June 12, 2012, 11:36 am
This was the first thing I thought of.
But, I mean, vascular tissue heals faster, right? I’m sure he’ll be fine.
theattack June 12, 2012, 4:12 pm
I can’t speak for most girls, because my tastes are a bit more extreme than most’s. But some things that I find aesthetically pleasing: a large head : shaft size ratio. Some curve is fine, but not too much. A very flared-out penis head. Visibly muscular and, as a result, a little bit veiny (but not too much). In general, I like everything big, but for aesthetics, proportion is much more important.
CatsMeow June 12, 2012, 10:13 am
I like dick pics.
CatsMeow June 12, 2012, 10:31 am
To clarify – I don’t really like looking at random penises, but I like it when I get a dick pic from my boyfriend…and I know he’s thinking of me… that’s hot.
Trixy Minx June 12, 2012, 11:20 am
Speaking of raunchy pictures. I used to send my ex really dirty pictures just as we sat down to eat dinner at a restaurant. Make him hot and bothered the whole dinner. haha
Suzanne June 12, 2012, 11:48 am
No. This thread reminds me of this clip from the Daily Show after Brett Favre sent a dick pic to some woman….
Addie Pray June 12, 2012, 9:20 am
A former coworker gave me a tight hug yesterday to say goodbye (my official last day of work), and her fake boobies punctured my lungs. You don’t want that hug.
bagge72 June 12, 2012, 11:46 am
I would like that hug!
lets_be_honest June 12, 2012, 12:39 pm
What about a great big hug from someone who has a great big stiffy?
painted_lady June 12, 2012, 10:31 am
I can picture this – girl sobbing hysterically, her phone dings, she checks, and it’s a dick pic. She sees the pic, smiles warmly and texts back, “You know just what to do to make me feel better!”
NO! In what universe?! If by “sent her some raunchy texts to make her feel better about her broken engagement” you mean “sent her some raunchy texts to make myself feel better about living with a very angry woman I barely know and possibly to self-sabotage said relationship” then yes, LW, I completely agree with our terms.
Jiggs June 12, 2012, 10:36 am
I laughed so hard at this comment. So much truth.
Tracey June 12, 2012, 10:49 am
Exactly! This isn’t about cheering up a friend. This is about self-sabotage, a way out of a mess with Lil’ Miss Hair Trigger, and (let’s keep it real) LW flirting with his friend. Remember, he said they’d been doing this for a while previously. There’s an attraction there…one they may never act on, but still an attraction.
Christy June 12, 2012, 11:01 am
You know, I’m not gonna lie, if I got a dick pic from my friend A or a tit pic from my friend J I would crack up and it would make me feel better. (Note: I’m hoping they’re wearing underwear.) But I would crack up and forget my problem.
I also wasn’t thinking it was pics. I was thinking more like raunchy words. Does that make it better? ….
CatsMeow June 12, 2012, 11:05 am
Yeah, he said “semi-raunchy sexual comments.” Comments. Not pics.
Semi-raunchy. I wonder what he considers “raunchy”, considering that he described his girlfriend’s behavior as “bold.”
Fabelle June 12, 2012, 11:46 am
Actually, that’s a good point. Maybe she took it so well when she found out because it wasn’t very “raunchy” at all?
I didn’t assume it was pics, either– but if it was, they already have that kind of relationship, so it’s not like the woman’s reaction would’ve been “WHOA WTF”
Trixy Minx June 12, 2012, 11:14 am
Maybe its making her feel better to be desired by another man.
Trixy Minx June 12, 2012, 9:16 am
Holy crap. Really, two months?
DMR June 12, 2012, 9:36 am
You’ve never fallen passionately in love? It happens very quickly. two months is loads of time to fall down the rabbit-hole.
Christy June 12, 2012, 10:12 am
I think there’s a BIG difference between practically living together and actually living together. And it’s fine to practically live together, but to actually move your whole life? Way too soon.
Also there’s a kid involved.
Ladybug June 12, 2012, 11:14 am
I’m with Wendy and Christy on this one. A couple moving in together after two months can be chalked up to a whirlwind romance, and if it was just the two of them that’d be fine, even though the odds would definitely not be in their favor. Uprooting a kid’s life and moving them in with someone you’ve only known for two months is just plain irresponsible.
Nadine June 12, 2012, 10:42 am
Sorry, but when it comes to grown up things like organising parenting duties and rent checks, ‘falling down the rabbit hole’ is only for complete idiots, not star crossed lovers.
There is nothing in this letter that makes me think of romance! Rushed dating, barely mentioning the CHILD that now LIVES with you, angry outbursts, dick pics…. none of this has anything to do with the head-rush of new love. What it has to do with is two very selfish people who acted selfishly and continue to do so. I would say they deserve each other if it wasnt for the kid.
dandywarhol June 12, 2012, 11:15 am
I don’t know about you, but when I think of romance, I certainly think of raunchy texts sent to someone else and fighting in front of staff members.
lets_be_honest June 12, 2012, 12:43 pm
I don’t know if I’m noticing your comments more because you have a pretty picture, or if you are just commenting more, but can I just jump in right here and say they are really contributing to my daily laughs. Thanks.
dandywarhol June 12, 2012, 1:14 pm
Awww thanks 🙂 no i took a break from here on vacation so I was MIA for a while.
Trixy Minx June 12, 2012, 11:10 am
I’ve had a few whirlwind romances and non ended well. I also don’t have a kid. Having a kid means putting their needs before your lusting over men you don’t know.
caitie_didn't June 12, 2012, 9:26 am
So, LW, why exactly did you guys move in together after 2 months? Did you find a new place together or did she move into your place? Or did you move into hers? Cuz if she moved herself and her kid into your place 2 months in…well, I ain’t saying she’s a gold digger, but….
Also this is some ripe bullshiz to claim that you send raunchy text messages to your friend to “make her feel better”. That’s not the real reason, don’t even lie.
EricaSwagger June 12, 2012, 9:49 am
Exactly…
Girls send raunchy text messages to their guy friends in relationships because they want the attention so they can feel better about themselves.
Guys send raunchy text messages to their girl friends because they want to sleep with them.
SweetPeaG June 12, 2012, 9:51 am
YES!
dandywarhol June 12, 2012, 11:16 am
Perfectly said!
Guy Friday June 12, 2012, 12:20 pm
Also, girls send them because they want to sleep with the guys. Let’s not make it seem like guys are the only ones with ulterior motives here.
theattack June 12, 2012, 9:27 am
Oh Lord. Just… no.
Fabelle June 12, 2012, 9:29 am
Like AP, I’m confused about the notion of an apartment staff. I hate to go this route, but are you really well-off, LW? Is that why this single mother wanted to move in with you so quickly, with her 6-year-old son? (I’m afraid I sound like BGM right now, but really, what reason would two people have for moving so fast in a relationship?)
I get the raunchy text message thing, especially since this relationship is new. Honestly, I had an old FWB and an ex that I used to trade “raunchy” messages with & it’s an awkward thing to suddenly tell them “Oh wait, can’t do this anymore!” especially if you…well, still kind of want to.
I’m not totally letting you off the hook though, LW…oddly, the part that most irked me about this letter was the “temper” thing. Does your girlfriend REALLY have a problem expressing herself, or is she just too loud for your sensibilites? The cursing out thing sounded weird, but then again, she also seemed to take your text messages dalliances in stride (which wouldn’t have been the case for somebody who routinely “freaks out” about stuff)
Rather than wanting to adjust her behavior, maybe you could think about it as getting to know her? Merging lives at such a fast pace is bound to have some kinks. As you both settle in (orrr decide to move on…) your interactions with each other, old friends, and apartment “staff” could settle as well.
iwannatalktosampson June 12, 2012, 9:31 am
If you still kind of want to send those messages then why are you in a relationship?
Fabelle June 12, 2012, 9:40 am
I’m saying that people aren’t perfect, & the transition isn’t always smooth. You don’t always magically become disgusted at the thought of trading sexy messages with somebody else the moment you enter into a relationship. It’s a process– that’s why some people need time at the beginning to move slow, get to know each other, & let go of any baggage (such as old friends or flames with whom you’re still in a raunchy text relationship…)
DMR June 12, 2012, 9:29 am
I’m really pissed that you moved into this little boy’s life as a father-figure, and now you don’t like Mom’s anger problem, and you’re going to leave him.
When you break up with her, you break up with a six year old boy too. Think about that.
FireStar June 12, 2012, 1:46 pm
Actually I think that thought is for the mom to think about – and a good time to have had it was before she exposed her son to a man she has known for 2 months. Admitting a mistake and taking a step back from the relationship is probably the wisest thing to do at this point.
ReginaRey June 12, 2012, 9:30 am
This whole letter just pisses me off. The LW’s and his girlfriend’s immaturity, irresponsibility, and lack of good judgment aren’t just screwing THEM over…they’re screwing over an innocent kid, too.
Seriously, LW? Did you and this child’s mother have ANY concern for anything other than yourselves when you moved in together? Did you think about how moving in a child with some stranger might affect him? Did you consider the role you’re going to have to play as a parent, of sorts, to this child? Are you ready for that role? Because I don’t think you are. In fact, I don’t think you know the first thing about being a parent, even in a diminished capacity. If you DID, I doubt you would have moved in with someone you barely knew. I doubt you would still think it was a good idea to send inappropriate, sexual texts to another woman when you live with a new girlfriend and her son.
I don’t have any advice for you, other than to do yourself, your girlfriend, and her son a favor by ending this relationship. You’re not ready for a serious relationship, if you’re sending the kind of texts you’re sending. And she’s likely not mature enough or secure enough for a healthy relationship, either, if she thinks moving THIS fast when she has a child is a good idea. I could say so much more, but this whole thing just pisses me off too much. Grow up, both of you.
Budj June 12, 2012, 9:32 am
I like to send my friends my personal goat.se shots whenever they are feeling down.
Budj June 12, 2012, 9:33 am
Also – was she swearing AT someone? I can’t believe a management meeting would be called over someone using colourful language not directed at someone in an angry manner.
Fabelle June 12, 2012, 9:43 am
Yeah, all he says is “in front of” the staff. If it wasn’t even AT them, then why…? Whaa? I don’t understand.
Jiggs June 12, 2012, 10:41 am
I’m giving that some side-eye too. If someone called a meeting to discuss my behaviour over dropping a swear word outside of my place of employment, they would be hearing a lot more swear words in fairly short order.
dandywarhol June 12, 2012, 11:18 am
Yeah I am not understanding why a few strangers would be that concerned, unless it was to them.
JK June 12, 2012, 9:36 am
Thanks for the mental image, budj.
Budj June 12, 2012, 9:40 am
and before I forget if you don’t know what that is….I recommend not looking it up….especially if you are at work.
JK June 12, 2012, 9:41 am
I recommend not looking it up ever. 🙂
iseeshiny June 12, 2012, 11:41 am
WJKS.
Addie Pray June 12, 2012, 11:38 am
Every time you send a friend a picture of your [what is that?], an angel … tells me, and I don’t like it. It’s cheating. Cut that out.
By the way, in French they have a word for the person who got cheated on, it’s “cocu” – I think that’s cool because we don’t have a word for that person, do we?
iseeshiny June 12, 2012, 11:40 am
Cuckold! (Thanks, Shakespeare and then weird porn, you’ve taught me so much about the English language.)
JK June 12, 2012, 11:41 am
In spanish (or in Argentina at least) we say cornudo.
I know in english some people say cuckold, but I think that´s technically wrong, since (as far as I know) cuckolding presupposes the knowledge and enjoyment of the fact that your SO is with someone else.
JK June 12, 2012, 11:44 am
“Cuckold historically referred to a man with an adulterous wife. It has largely fallen out of use in modern English with the decline of marital infidelity in pop culture literature. In modern English it generally refers to the sexual fetish of the same name in which a male gains sexual gratification from his partner’s having sex with other males.”
Thanks wikipedia
lets_be_honest June 12, 2012, 12:46 pm
I love your “in spanish we say…” Keep em coming!
ps I’ve been way too busy at work for commenting enough. Its making me sad. Day 5 of no smoking. Exactly 4.9 days longer that I have ever gone!
JK June 12, 2012, 12:49 pm
Yes, we miss you, lbh!
And yay on the not smoking! 🙂
Budj June 12, 2012, 11:42 am
You are such a hypocrite. You sit here all day talking about FBI balls and new balls and requesting Bagge’s dick pic and you now you won’t even let me disperse pictures of my gape?
Addie Pray June 12, 2012, 11:47 am
First, I never “requested” Bagge’s pics – he just sent them sua sponte, I swear! (I know, it’s kind of weird…) Second, all these Other Balls mean nothing to me!
[This is a real moment in our internet relationship. I feel like we might break up *or* become exclusive. I need popcorn for this. Eek!]
Guy Friday June 12, 2012, 12:22 pm
Really, AP? You had to drop a “sua sponte” in there? Show-off 🙂
Addie Pray June 12, 2012, 12:45 pm
Well, it didn’t work. Budj broke up with me. See below. Imma go eat my feelings now.
bagge72 June 12, 2012, 11:48 am
Oh she didn’t request it, I just thought she was having a bad day! Don’t worry it wasn’t her fault.
Addie Pray June 12, 2012, 11:49 am
Yes, that’s what I meant!
bagge72 June 12, 2012, 12:13 pm
Yeah, and thanks for that Pic you sent back, it really lifted my spirits. I love getting pics of girls with blue cheese smeared all over there face while reading 50 shades! Can you at least take off the bathrobe next time!?
Budj June 12, 2012, 12:19 pm
Bagge….an engaged man…has just successfully managed to break up this DW relationship…
Addie Pray June 12, 2012, 12:32 pm
Whaaaaa, Bagge is kidding! It was chèvre. (So, I think we’re even with your goat pic or whatever that was.)
p.s. Are you really breaking up with me?
Lili June 12, 2012, 12:59 pm
I feel like the kid who is watching her parents fight to the point of divorcing. I’m going to get myself some donuts to feel better.
Addie Pray June 12, 2012, 3:04 pm
I’m going to go belly up to the bar down the street at PJ Clarke’s to drown my sorrows in $2 wells. So if you need me, that’s where you can find me.
Sigh.
Lili June 12, 2012, 4:02 pm
Hope this cheers you up! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eEWVwgDnuzE
Addie Pray June 12, 2012, 4:06 pm
Ah yes. But actually the Obama one (courtesy of Rachel) cheers me up even more! http://cheezburger.com/38536193?siteId=56
bagge72 June 12, 2012, 1:06 pm
🙁 SORRY ADDIE, He isn’t thinking clearly right now, he is cathing up on the boozing from being in Kentucky, just give him a little time!
bagge72 June 12, 2012, 1:06 pm
catching
lets_be_honest June 12, 2012, 12:48 pm
This comment has no likes.
JK June 12, 2012, 12:52 pm
Who could like it? Here I was waiting for the DW wedding of the year, and now this???
landygirl June 12, 2012, 11:44 am
You have a goat? Neat!
DMR June 12, 2012, 9:34 am
By the way, your girlfriend doesn’t have an anger problem. She’s a bit uncouth, that’s all. Swearing in front of the help? Heaven forbid. And I wonder if her rough edges are actually a bit appealing to you.
I have lived with a woman with anger issues, and let me tell you straight up: if she had an anger problem, she wouldn’t have forgiven you so quickly for texting another woman. your balls would be hanging from the light shade.
Budj June 12, 2012, 9:39 am
haha – good point….but she may also keep it under wraps if this is a situation where she “needs him” for a more comfortable living style.
Fabelle June 12, 2012, 10:26 am
Exactly.
SweetPeaG June 12, 2012, 9:35 am
So, everything Wendy said is spot on!
I just need to call this guy out though. I understand getting caught up in a relationship and moving faster than you should have. Hey, we all make mistakes. I also understand that it can really suck living with someone with a temper. It sucks to be the recipient of their anger. And it sucks to be embarrassed when they blow up at perfect strangers for silly reasons. I totally empathize with you here. I sincerely hope your lady friend is willing to work on some of those issues for the health of your relationship and for her life (and her child’s life!!!!!) in general. HOWEVER, you need to take a lot more ownership here, buddy! You SO know you are lying to everyone… you did not sexy message that girl to “cheer her up”. What a crock of crap. You did it because it turns you on. You did it because you find your friend hot or even just a fantastic self-esteem boost. Do not pretend you are doing it for selfless reasons… you are doing it for SELFISH reasons.
Own it.
And then do everything Wendy says.
SweetPeaG June 12, 2012, 9:44 am
Although, after reading some of the other comments… she may not even have an anger problem. I don’t know without being there.
Tax Geek June 12, 2012, 9:37 am
Paging Guy Friday.
Guy Friday June 12, 2012, 12:26 pm
Hey now. There’s a BIG difference between what I’ve done and this. I’ve never sent raunchy texts to other women when I’m involved with someone. If I felt the need to get raunchy with the “other woman”, I’d have stopped and fixed whatever the heck it was in my relationship that was causing me to feel that way, OR I’d get out of the relationship. You can send sweet messages to a friend of the opposite sex to lift their spirits. You can say they’re cute, or awesome, or adorable when drunk (which I equate, by the way, to saying things like “You have adorable dimples when you smile!”) You don’t talk about wanting to see them naked or what you’d do to them.
(I’m really hoping I’m being oversensitive here and you’re not implying that this is the same thing as what I was talking about yesterday.)
Tax Geek June 12, 2012, 12:46 pm
I am not saying there is an equivalence to yesterday, but there is a little bit of a similarity. Then I thought of your long post from yesterday.
Guy Friday June 12, 2012, 1:06 pm
Ok. No offense taken then 🙂 And, yeah, I definitely thought of yesterday’s letter when I read this. Like I said above, this was quite the coincidence to have those letters on consecutive days. Not that I’m accusing anyone of anything; it’s just . . . wow.
kerrycontrary June 12, 2012, 9:54 am
Like really? You send a woman who is not your girlfriend raunchy text messages to “make her feel better”? That is the most BS excuse I’ve ever heard. You sent them because you liked it and because you wanted some in return. Also, because you are unhappy in your relationship. I’m just disgusted by men like you who act like it’s OK to communicate inappropriately with other women while they are in relationships (especially when it involves a child!).
ReginaRey June 12, 2012, 10:04 am
Second all of this. I’m disgusted, too. “Oh, I just sent her raunchy texts to make her feel better! Woe is me!” Effing own up to your shit.
SweetPeaG June 12, 2012, 10:13 am
I third this!
So, I know people have been shitty throughout the history of human life. However, I hate that it is just so EASY for people to be shitty in the modern world. Texting, facebook… all those little avenues for being secretly shitty.
“Ohhh, my girlfriend made me mad! Instead of talking about it with her, I’m going to send a pathetic little text to my sexy friend. That’ll solve my problems!”
Yes RR- “Effing own up to your shit” should be a new phrase we use on here. And often.
ReginaRey June 12, 2012, 10:18 am
It makes me wonder. Have people ALWAYS been so quick to foist responsibility off of themselves? Or have we become, as humans, more self-centered and immature and less responsible as time has progressed? Or is it just easier for all of us to SEE each other’s bullshit, with the help of the internet and texting and everything else?
Regardless, I can’t STAND when people do it. You fucked up. Grow up and admit to it, or get out.
Budj June 12, 2012, 10:24 am
You don’t need Jerry Springer when you have facebook…I just think it’s just more “out there” now….and therefore more in our faces.
dandywarhol June 12, 2012, 11:24 am
I think the vast majority has always been like this, just now we all hear and see it. Facebook, ruining relationships one day at a time!
Budj June 12, 2012, 10:22 am
As much as I enjoy social media I also hate it just as much.
TaraMonster June 12, 2012, 11:12 am
Ain’t that the truth. Though I don’t hate it as much as my aunt, who thinks Twitter is the death of society and burst into tears a few months ago saying, “You can’t tweet your 86 year old grandmother! You have to pick up the phone!” after a few too many coronas.
For the record, no one in my family has ever tweeted my grandmother. Lol.
Desiree June 12, 2012, 11:18 am
A recent news article said that a THIRD of divorce filings now contain the word “Facebook.”
dandywarhol June 12, 2012, 11:21 am
Its like the whole, “Oh I was drunk, I didn’t actually
Mean to sleep with him/her/them!”
Nope, sorry bud. You knew what you were doing.
mirage14 June 12, 2012, 10:15 am
I am horrified and disgusted by the lack of respect, concern, and responsibility your girlfriend shows for her child. Her son should be her first priority, and frankly, moving in with you so quickly was incredibly stupid on her part, and is disruptive and confusing for him. Should things get worse between you and your girlfriend, he is going to be upset and unsure of where his place is in his own home. This relationship and move could be hugely damaging to him.
I grew up with the best stepdad and step family anyone could ask for, and my mom was young when she met him, but she took her time and made sure it was the right fit for both her and I before taking things further with him. yes we had some rough patches, as all kids and step parents do, but I am very close to my stepdad and I wouldn’t trade my situation for anything. My mom and him did a great job of helping me keep my relationship with my dad and they managed to turn what could be a negative situation into a very positive one.
I would take a good look at your relationship and your girlfriend – there’s a reason she moved in so quickly. I am going to assume you’ve never dated someone with a child before, so please, think long and hard about how this relationship is going to affect her son’s life. If you don’t see it working out long term, its best to get out now and not let things dissolve into a bad home situation for him. Yes he’s only 6 but trust me, he picks up on a lot more than you would realize and he knows in some way that your relationship with her is going south.
Furthermore – don’t be a douche and send this other woman text messages, especially when there is a child involved in the situation.
Kate B June 12, 2012, 10:27 am
Moving in with someone after 2 months? Bad. That kid is going to be so confused. I don’t think I would describe a person who is “unable to speak her position quietly and civilly at times” bold. It sounds like she has anger issues and/or lack of impulse control. Throw in immaturity and this is not a good combination. I can be a potty mouth, sure, but I do know other words and I use them when appropriate. I would bet that the swearing at the apartment staff was not the first incident? No one calls a meeting over one bad word. Frankly, she sounds like too much trouble to keep around. One of my relationship rules is: if I have to apologize for your behaviour, you will not be around long. Another one is: if you send raunchy texts to another girl, you will not be around long. I think this relationship is doomed and I feel for that poor little boy.
lets_be_honest June 12, 2012, 12:54 pm
I just want to pipe in here and say I don’t necessarily blame the guy for the kid’s “confusion” about him moving in after 2 months. He’s not the parent here. I place the blame on the mother who allowed this.
Kate B. June 12, 2012, 1:18 pm
I would agree that the GF is not without fault, but it takes two to tango. Unless she put a gun to his head and said, “Move in or else”, he is also to blame.
lets_be_BOLD June 12, 2012, 1:34 pm
My point was that its not his responsibility to be a responsible parent when he isn’t a parent.
JK June 12, 2012, 1:36 pm
hahaha I <3 you, lbB!
FireStar June 12, 2012, 1:53 pm
totally agree.
Kate B. June 12, 2012, 3:28 pm
True.
iwannatalktosampson June 12, 2012, 1:44 pm
No he’s not. He is not the parent. He’s an idiot for many other reasons, but the kid of someone he’s been dating for 2 months is zero percent his responsibility. Yes as a decent human being he should care about the kids well being, but overall I don’t think he needs to lose any sleep over it. He’s a shitty person and she’s a shitty mom. He is not a shitty parent, because he has no kids, and therefore can’t be held responsible for ruining this kids childhood.
ele4phant June 12, 2012, 3:39 pm
I wouldn’t say he’s in any way responsible for making sure the child’s well being is looked after, but it would be nice if an ADULT man thought “Gee, two months is pretty quick to be moving on with someone, particularly given a child is going to be dragged in. Maybe we should slow down a couple of clicks first.”
I mean, yes, its all on the mother here, but I think it speaks to his immaturity and self-centeredness that it didn’t even give him pause that these actions could be harmful to a kid, or that perhaps his gf isn’t placing her attention where it should be (on the kid). I mean, who wants to be with someone who so easily puts the welfare of her OWN innocent child on the line for her new piece? Shouldn’t that be a dealbreaker?
lets_be_honest June 12, 2012, 4:46 pm
Agreed all around. I continue to be astounded by the behavior of some parents. Quick story-there’s only 1 other single mom in my kid’s class. We got friendly soon on, and I hoped we would become friends, having that in common. Long story short, she tells me about the kid’s dad (druggie, in and out of kid’s life, all that great stuff). I support her going through court and give her a lot of advice. Fast forward a couple years, she texts me all these questions about custody and whether a guy is required to pay support if he’s not on the birth certificate. I give advice geared toward her situation and she replies that its not about her, but about her new boyfriend who had a one night stand right before they began dating (like 1 month prior, mm hmm), girl gets pregnant, keeps baby, tells the guy, he wants nothing to do with “it”. This girl, a fellow single mom, was actually referring to her boyfriend’s baby as IT and asking for advice on how he can dodge responsibility. Couldn’t fucking believe it.
artsygirl June 12, 2012, 10:39 am
What is it with men thinking thinking that the best way to offer friendly support automatically equates to raunchy texts/emails/phone calls? Look LW, I understand that you are hoping to validate your friend’s desirability especially in the wake of a broken engagement – but seriously talk about false advertising. You are in a committed monogamous relationship so STOP hitting on people when you are completely off the market. Not only is that unfair to your friend it is REALLY shitty behavior to do to your girlfriend.
Nadine June 12, 2012, 10:47 am
You are ridiculous, but then so is the woman you have chosen to live with.
If you actually want to fix this, and don’t just want to be seen as the good guy while she screams and rages at the staff:
Keep your friendship with BFF platonic. Perhaps tell her you are making an effort to do so, so (as a good friend should) she can support you?
ASK your girlfriend why she gets so angry, and consider anger management classes. BUT only talk about this when she is calm.
If you actually care about the kid, try to cultivate a relationship with him, one which you intend to continue whether or not your relationship with his mother continues. If you cannot do this, consider breaking off your relationship. if you cannot do either, MAKE SURE the kids Dad is aware that you have no intention of being step-dad. Some adult, somewhere, has got to have this kids best interests at heart. It doesnt sound like that person is Mum.
katie June 12, 2012, 11:27 am
it was jakes birthday yesterday. we went to this italian tapas place and i threw everything up this morning at 6 am trying to get to work. now im not going to work and the food network is on and im about to throw up all the water i drank looking at more food.
LW, i cant even put enough effort into my brain to give you any advice, but i do know just by being able to read that your not making good choices and your lying to yourself and to the woman you moved in with. and please think hard about her kid. thats not right. i dont care how much you think you love someone after 2 months, thats not right.
iseeshiny June 12, 2012, 11:32 am
Oh no! Feel better 🙁 I’d rather be bleeding and in pain than nauseous and puking. I feel for you.
JK June 12, 2012, 11:36 am
Feel better soon. And stay hydrated (try ice cold 7up or gatorade)
Trixy Minx June 12, 2012, 11:39 am
If you are dehydrated try drinking pedialyte. My doctor recommended that to me when I had a food virus and couldn’t hold anything down. Don’t forget anti nausea medication to hold down the pedialyte.
iwannatalktosampson June 12, 2012, 11:43 am
Sounds like you need to become a member of the detox group!
katie June 12, 2012, 12:01 pm
i dont think it was the alcohol.. i wasnt even drunk. i had two drinks… i dunno sometimes this happens to me. i just throw everything up, i dont eat for 24 hours, and im fine the next day. jake thinks that i shouldnt eat potentially hazardous foods anymore and i should start eating like the older population and infants are suggested to. yay.
Rachel June 12, 2012, 1:31 pm
That’s probably not good. Maybe you should keep a food diary?
Hope you feel better soon!
TheGirl June 12, 2012, 1:39 pm
Have you tried eliminating certain foods from your diet? It could be a reaction to something. The main triggers for most people are gluten (wheat, rye & barley), dairy, soy, nuts, eggs & fish. Usually you have to remove all of them and then slowly bring them back in to find out what causes you problems. That means fresh veggies, rice & meats only for a few weeks.
katie June 12, 2012, 11:50 am
aw you guys thanks! that made my day.
dandywarhol June 12, 2012, 1:27 pm
Sorry to hear that, throwing up is just the worst. Feel better! And yeah try to eat little things like crackers and gatorade.
bagge72 June 12, 2012, 11:33 am
Sounds to me like you are going to be stuck in this relationship for a long time, even when you hate each other. Do the kid a favor, and don’t hold on to this relationship longer than it really last, because he is the one that is actually getting hurt. Besides that, you guys aren’t good for each other, you think she has an anger problem, and she will never actually trust you, because you send inappropriate texts to a girl to try to cheer her up.
I wonder why Hallmark hasn’t jumped on this band wagon for V-day. Who wouldn’t love a card that says Happy Valentine’s day, I can’t wait to smell your wet pussy all over my face.
stilgar666 June 12, 2012, 11:44 am
2 month relationship + 6 year old + sexting + “bold” (immature) girlfriend = some daytime talk show.
What kind of parent does that to her kid? A trashy mom, that’s who.
Do we really need to be subjected to this nonsense?
Tracey June 12, 2012, 11:55 am
This story did have a Maury/Dr. Phil/Jeremy Kyle tinge of WTF to it, didn’t it?
bittergaymark June 12, 2012, 11:53 am
SHE sounds decidedly unstable. No doubt it was SHE who wanted to move in together so fast… (It always, always is…) Now it’s time for YOU, LW, to move out fast! Look, sadly, the kid barely knows you, he will be fine… I get so tired of the phrase issues… Back in my day being so “bold” and unable to control your “temper” didn’t make you somebody with issues… It made you a fucking psycho. Seriously. Anybody who is frequently “unable to speak her position quietly and civilly at times” is not somebody with issues… That’s somebody who is bat shit crazy… And now your building’s staff is so concerned about it that they want a meeting? Well, hey, at least that proves you aren’t overreacting here… Dump the head case and move on already…
lets_be_honest June 12, 2012, 12:57 pm
I prefer people call me Bold, thanks. 😉
bittergaymark June 12, 2012, 1:15 pm
Oh dear…
Trixy Minx June 12, 2012, 2:20 pm
I love it!
lets_be_BOLD June 12, 2012, 12:58 pm
😉
cdjd0523 June 12, 2012, 2:29 pm
As a single parent myself few things chap my ass more than someone who puts their social and dating life before their child. I would be highly suspicious of anyone with a child wanting to move so quickly into such a serious relationship with someone they don’t know. LW do the child a favor and end things with this girl so she can put her focus and attention where it belongs instead of on you and your sexting exploits with someone else.
Also dropping a few swear words does not an anger problem make.
lets_be_BOLD June 12, 2012, 2:48 pm
Nothing chaps my ass more than someone who uses the phrase Chaps my ass.
iwannatalktosampson June 12, 2012, 3:24 pm
Oh man really? I was super excited to see that phrase used. I also really like “you wanna know what really grinds my gears?” though so maybe I’m biased.
lets_be_honest June 12, 2012, 3:30 pm
I love it actually. Grind my gears too.
Guy Friday June 12, 2012, 3:58 pm
I honestly think his Lindsey Lohan rant is my favorite.
Dennis Hong June 12, 2012, 3:52 pm
Oh, I guess it’s not so bad then. At first, I totally misread the letter as her being “bald”….
fast eddie June 12, 2012, 7:30 pm
Dud, your only 4 months into the relationship and she’s out of control with her emotions. Very bad sign and it isn’t going to change. You’ve got two choices, tell her to leave offer to help her move or change to lock while she’s at work. Chock it up to lesson learned about speed and need. Next time give it at least a year before moving in together, even that may not be too soon.
DMR June 13, 2012, 5:32 am
People here are so harsh.
Two people fell in love; they’re spending all their time together. One of them has a child. So far so good. The guy did something wrong: he flirted by text with another woman. But he’s sorry, she’s forgiven him and all is well. His biggest problem is the fact that she’s a bit of a loose cannon and he would like her to learn how to behave in well-to-do society. And he wants some advice on how to best handle that.
That’s it. There’s really no big deal here, no crime, no major injustice, and people need to calm down. Now will everyone stop flaming the poor bastard and his girlfriend?