“My Girlfriend Had Threesomes in Her Past and I Can’t Deal with My Jealousy”

Well, what is it that you’re jealous of? Naming the thing that triggers a feeling you are uncomfortable with is a good way of taking back some the its power and helping you get to a place of being more comfortable with your feelings. We can’t really control our feelings, but we have control over the way we respond to them and what we do with them. Figuring out where the feelings arise – what it is that triggers them – can help us look at the situation more objectively; it’s like turning a burner on a stove down from high heat to medium before what’s inside boils over.

So, what triggers your feelings of jealousy? Do you wish you’d had more sexual adventures yourself? Are you concerned that your girlfriend has feelings or is bonded with these men from over eight years ago? Are you worried that you don’t measure up to the men she’s had sex with in the past? Get as specific as you can, and pay attention to how getting specific makes you feel. Lean into those feelings, don’t fight them.

Now, think about the future. Think about what a future with your girlfriend looks like. Be specific, and pay attention to how the specific details make you feel. If you can’t imagine any specific details, why do you think that is? For a future with someone, you’d want to have shared goals, compatible lifestyles, and shared values. Do you have these things? Does her sexual or relationship history compromise any of these things? If it does, then you have to accept that perhaps you two aren’t compatible. It happens. It doesn’t mean either of you is a bad person, but it does mean that you shouldn’t waste each other’s time if you two aren’t a long-term match and have outgrown the short-term fun.

Ultimately, jealousy, though it may feel uncomfortable, can guide us to a deeper understanding of our own desires and needs. I invite you to see this scenario as an opportunity to do some soul-searching. Rather that think about “dealing with your jealousy” in terms of overcoming it, let it be a message to you. Your job now is to decipher what the message is – what the jealousy is telling you about yourself, your needs, and your relationship.