Here’s an example of her being a little dumb: she’ll say something like, “I brought a brand-new dress.” I’ll correct her by telling her it’s “bought” not “brought.” I’ve explained the difference and she understands, yet she still continues to use the wrong word. I told her that when I’ve gone on vacation, I keep my money in the safe at the hotel. She asks me is it safe? I thought she was kidding, but she wasn’t.
On another occasion, we were watching TV and she made some comments which I found a little boring and I became distant. It was like the TV was more interesting than what she had to say. The next day she asked me if she was boring me. I couldn’t say yes because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, so I said no.
She is capable of having a really good conversation and she gets my jokes. We can have a laugh. We can have a discussion on some topics. Then she lets herself down by asking a silly question or making a silly comment. Then I’m like “oh my god” and I just cringe. It can be frustrating.
Having said all this, my girlfriend allows me to relax and be myself in her presence. Maybe there is a real advantage in being with someone with whom I’m not competing. I know you can’t get everything you want from a partner and I don’t want to terminate the relationship because she has many good qualities. However, I wonder if, when the passion fades, there will be something to fall back on.
How important is intellectual compatibility in a relationship when everything else is good? I’m worried that we won’t have enough to talk about when we’re both old and can’t do much more and then that I won’t find her interesting. I’m worried that i’ll become even more frustrated and lose respect for her.
Is this really an issue or just something I need to tolerate? Should I discuss this with her? — More Intellectual Than She Is
Obviously, intellectual compatibility is important to you, which is fine! What isn’t fine is stringing this poor woman along and pretending to be interested in her when you clearly think she’s dumb and boring and are embarrassed by her. She sounds like someone who has some lovely qualities and could be a perfect match for someone else — someone who would really appreciate her for who she is and not want or need her to change in order to be satisfied.
Forget about your own needs for a minute; If you’re a decent person at all, you’ll let this woman go so that she has a chance to find that match and so that her confidence doesn’t continue to suffer in a relationship where she feels like her boyfriend thinks she’s a dummy. When she ask why you’re breaking up with her, tell her the truth: You don’t feel the kind of spark with her that will sustain a relationship long-term.