Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“My Girlfriend Isn’t Over Her Dead Boyfriend”

I’m a 22-year-old guy dating a 21-year-old lady whose high school boyfriend of two years died in their last year of high school, while they were still dating. The lady claims to love me so much and I love her even more, but she can’t stop telling me about and posting stuff about her ex/dead boyfriend and celebrating his anniversary by totally ignoring me and not being willing to even be around me for a few days before and after the anniversary.

I don’t believe I can force her to give up this “celebration of his death” but perhaps if she understands that, by respecting the memory of him, she does not have to include everyone she knows on how she is still grieving, this would be better. She should at least consider my feelings. I’m not asking her to completely give up her rituals on the anniversary of his death — I can understand that they were partners. But at the very least, she should not post all her thoughts and photos and other stuff on social networks or whatsapp for the world to see that she misses him everyday. I really feel uncomfortable with it — it makes me believe that she has low interest in me and that she really believes that that the dude was her soulmate, which makes me a rebound who doesn’t feel like she loves me with everything she’s got.

I am wondering if the lady is really ready to be in a relationship where she can give her heart to a guy. It kinda sounds that her heart is in the grave with her ex right now. For me, dead or not dead — he’s still an ex. Please advise me on this as I really don’t know what to believe. — Tired of Competing with a Dead Ex

First of all, your “lady’s” dead boyfriend isn’t really an “ex” unless they were broken up when he died. If they were still dating, which it sounds like they were, he’s her “late boyfriend” not “ex-boyfriend.” It’s more than just semantics — “ex” has a different connotation, symbolizing a type of closure that is different than the closure you get from a partner dying. It may be that she still hasn’t found closure from her relationship with her late boyfriend. Or it may be that she’s simply still mourning. Or it could be that, like many people who have lost someone they love, the anniversary of the death stirs up a lot of emotions that take a few weeks to absorb and process. This doesn’t mean your girlfriend isn’t “ready for a relationship” or that she can’t “give her heart” to anyone else though.

What’s most striking to me about this situation isn’t so much her behavior, which sounds pretty normal for a 21-year-old still processing the very early death of her high school sweetheart, but it’s your reaction to her behavior. You sound jealous, possessive, and disrespectful. To say she’s “celebrating” the anniversary of her late boyfriend’s death, for example, rather than “observing” it is akin to calling him her “ex” — it signals a total lack of regard on your part for what he meant to her when he died and how his death affected her. And not for nothing, but calling your girlfriend “the lady” is another example of how your choice of semantics speaks volumes about how you regard her. I don’t sense love or compassion from you at all. And I don’t think you have the emotional maturity to handle a relationship with someone dealing with complicated emotions. Or, like, any emotion at all that deviates from blind devotion to you and the public expression of that devotion so that everyone knows whom she belongs to.

Women do not exist to serve you, to fluff your ego, and to make you feel adored. That doesn’t mean you can’t find one who will do just that (lord knows I’ve received hundreds of letters through the years from women who eagerly fit that role), but clearly this woman has other priorities. If you can’t handle that — and it doesn’t sound like you can — you need to MOA.

I have been dating a man for twenty months. He is 54 and I am 50. Our recurring issue is his Facebook activity. He constantly friends single women he doesn’t know, and then he likes every single post or picture they put up. He loves to post our dates, but without mention of his being with me — just a picture of himself at a ball game or on a bridge… and he won’t change his relationship status from “single” or mention to anyone on FB that he has a girlfriend. He thinks because he isn’t “inappropriate” with these girls he is doing nothing wrong. He says he thinks Facebook is just silly fun, that he is committed, and that he is a private person, so I need to get over it. I keep saying I am not comfortable with it and do not want to date someone who behaves this way. We keep breaking up over this until he says he understands and admits he needs to do things differently. But then a new girl pops up and he does the same thing all over, and we repeat the same words. Do I just need to give up and lose this guy? I want to show him your answer – he thinks he is doing nothing differently than anyone else does. — Tired of His Behavior

 
I get where you’re coming from — I wouldn’t want to be with a guy who behaved the way you’re describing either. Some people might not be bothered by it, but I would be. Which is why I’m not with a guy who behaves that way. Why are you? You’ve told your boyfriend multiple times you are uncomfortable with his behavior and that you don’t want to date someone who behaves that way, and yet… you keep dating someone who behaves that way. You can’t control his behavior, and he clearly isn’t interested in changing anyway. But you can control your own behavior! If you say you don’t want to date someone who behaves like your boyfriend behaves, STOP DATING YOUR BOYFRIEND. He sounds like a loser, anyway. A fifty-four year-old man friending random women on Facebook and then liking everything they post? Creep alert! MOA!

***************

Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy​(AT)​dearwendy.com.

44 comments… add one
  • avatar

    dinoceros August 18, 2017, 9:08 am

    LW1: On one hand, I think it’s possible she’s not ready for another relationship. On the other hand, it’s hard for me to trust your observations because, like Wendy said, you appear to have no empathy or caring for your girlfriend. Nowhere did you say that you’re worried about her or hate seeing her hurting. You were only concerned about how it makes you look and how jealous you feel. So, knowing that, I don’t feel that I can trust your observation that she’s doing anything abnormal. Regardless, I think you need to move on. Either she’s not ready or she’s with someone who doesn’t really care much about her as a person, and neither one of those things makes for a good relationship.

    LW2: You don’t need to show your boyfriend the answer, you need to show YOURSELF the answer. This is a no-brainer. Your boyfriend does stuff that makes you feel disrespected and is not how you want to have a relationship. You break up, he lies, you believe him and get back together, and he doesn’t change. Why on earth do you need a stranger on the internet to tell you to stop getting back together?

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    • avatar

      ktfran August 18, 2017, 9:17 am

      You perfectly summed up what was bothersome about LW1. It was all about him and how she made him look on social media. Ick.

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  • avatar

    csp August 18, 2017, 9:10 am

    LW1 – This behavior is very normal but you just don’t know enough grieving people. I have a friend whose wife died in their twenties. He is now remarried with a child but every year on facebook, he posts a pick of his first wife and says it will always be her day. You wouldn’t feel this day if it was her mom or her close friend. This doesn’t mean that she doesn’t love you, just that she has lost someone.

    LW2 – while this isn’t heinous behavior, I wouldn’t like it and wouldn’t take it.

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  • Copa

    Copa August 18, 2017, 9:27 am

    LW1: Two of my friends from high school dated during our senior year, then on and off for awhile during college. The woman met someone new when we were seniors in college. Not long after, her ex-boyfriend died of colon cancer very suddenly and at a very young age. This was almost 10 years ago. She STILL posts to social media when she thinks about him. She STILL posts that she loves him and misses him and thinks of him often. It’s far less frequent now, but for years, it was pretty constant. He was her high school sweetheart and one of her best friends, and I’ve never thought it was weird. It was how she processed her loss and handled her grief. Her new boyfriend was fine with all of this. That said, I think you need to move on because, like Wendy says, you can’t handle a partner with complicated emotions — and because you seem sure that she’s not ready for a relationship.
    .
    LW2: Your boyfriend sounds creepy. Any time you “keep breaking up with someone” over any reason, that’s a pretty good indicator that it’s time to stay broken up.

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  • avatar

    napoleon1066 August 18, 2017, 9:36 am

    I’m going to start calling my wife “the lady” all the time. I expect divorce to follow shortly thereafter.

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    • avatar

      MaggieB August 18, 2017, 6:38 pm

      I would love for him to refer to me as “the lady,” but he’d be required to say it in a different funny voice every time. “The layyyyyydeeeee!”

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  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom August 18, 2017, 10:16 am

    LW1 I think you need to move on. I don’t think you are ready to handle her emotions and she may not be ready for a relationship.

    He isn’t her ex because they never reached the point where at least one of them realized they weren’t going to work long term. They never had the relationship break apart because they weren’t getting along or realized they had different life goals or dreams. Part of the trouble with that is that he can always seem perfect. He will always be the right guy who died. He will always be a perfect fit and a perfect partner. It is easy to fantasize about how life would have been with him and in the fantasy he will always do things right.

    I’d move on because it is hard to compete with a great guy who died. I’d also move on because you aren’t happy in this relationship. If you aren’t happy it isn’t going to work. I’d move on because the two of you aren’t emotionally at the same place.

    I don’t see anything wrong with calling her the lady. I think it can be a regional and cultural thing and isn’t disrespectful. I’m assuming you also didn’t want to use her name and didn’t see the need to make up a fake name.

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  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom August 18, 2017, 10:20 am

    ” But at the very least, she should not post all her thoughts and photos and other stuff on social networks or whatsapp for the world to see that she misses him everyday.”

    If she is doing this frequently or daily then she probably isn’t ready to date. If this is the week of the anniversary of his death then she may be fine.

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    • avatar

      Ruby Thursday August 18, 2017, 11:35 am

      This is the part that also stood out to me. If it’s near the anniversary of husband death, that’s understandable. But that sentence made me think that she posts about her late boyfriend frequently.

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      • avatar

        Ruby Thursday August 18, 2017, 11:36 am

        I don’t know how that ended up saying husband.

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    • avatar

      ele4phant August 18, 2017, 12:23 pm

      Yeah – I agree. I’m surprised out how harsh some of the other responses are.

      He says he understands why she wants to acknowledge her boyfriend’s death, but it hurts that 2-3 years later, she’s still constantly talking about and posting how much she misses him. To me, that would indicate she has not moved on and is not ready to be with a new partner.

      And yeah, that’s got to be pretty soul crushing to be in a relationship with someone you care about but to know they’re still hung up on someone else. I feel for him.

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      • avatar

        RedRoverRedRover August 18, 2017, 1:23 pm

        The way I read it, it’s during the anniversary week that’s she’s doing this, not all the time. The sentence Skyblossom called out came right after he was talking about what she does for the anniversary week, it seemed to me to still be in that context. That she posts every day, for the week surrounding the anniversary. If it’s everyday all year round, then yeah that’s an issue, that’s just not what I got from the post.

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      • avatar

        ele4phant August 18, 2017, 2:03 pm

        Hmm possibly, and if that’s the right interpretation, I’d definitely agree with everyone else he needs to chill out and let her be for those couple of days.

        I read it though that she posts and talks about her late boyfriend all the time, and then specific to the anniversary of his death she goes AWOL a couple days. But, now that you’ve pointed it out, I could be wrong.

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      • avatar

        Jane Smith February 9, 2018, 6:39 am

        So do I.

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    • avatar

      Jane Smith February 9, 2018, 6:37 am

      I agree. Of course, it’s understandable that she may miss him. However, posting these thoughts on social media is, in my opinion, disrespectful to her current boyfriend, along with ignoring him during this time. I don’t think her current boyfriend is a loser or a creep. He isn’t asking her to give up “all of the rituals”, just tone them down.

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      • CurlyQue

        CurlyQue October 11, 2018, 12:36 pm

        ” But at the very least, she should not post all her thoughts and photos and other stuff on social networks or whatsapp for the world to see that she misses him everyday.”

        He doesn’t get to control her social media. He doesn’t get to define how she grieves or even that she’s allowed to still grieve.

        It’s not disrespectful to him. It’s disrespectful OF him to try to define and control her grieving. He also trivializes it by constantly referring to the deceased boyfriend as an “ex”. Nobody seeing her social media feed is going to judge their relationship when they see her grieving posts, which is what i think he most cares about. His image, not her feelings.

        “,,, doesn’t feel like she loves me with everything she’s got.” LW doesn’t sound like he’s ready to have a relationship with someone that includes complex emotions and not just devotion to his 22 yr old self.

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  • avatar

    va-in-ny August 18, 2017, 12:00 pm

    LW1 – if you’re all “no1curr!!!” to your “Lady” regarding the anniversary of her late boyfriend’s death, I’m not surprised that she doesn’t want to be around you a few days before and after the actual date.

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  • avatar

    ele4phant August 18, 2017, 12:08 pm

    I dunno – I thought the answer to LW1 was a little harsh.

    It is reasonable to want to be with a person who is not hung up on someone else. It is not unreasonable to feel hurt or upset that the person you love and are into is constantly making references to someone else they loved. I understand where he’s coming from. He loves his girlfriend, and is hurt that she is preoccupied with someone else. That would hurt anyone.

    Obviously, it sounds like she’s not yet grieved and isn’t really in a place to date anyone else yet. The advice to him should be to move on and let her get there on her own, but I still feel empathetic to him. This sounds hard. I don’t think he wants her to exist to adore him or stroke his ego, but he does want her to be present in their relationship.

    She didn’t write in, but if she did, I might say she needs to work on moving on. While tragic, it sounds like it’s been two or three years since he passed. If she’s posting something about how much she misses him *everyday on social media* still and talks about him frequently with her new boyfriend, that doesn’t sound healthy.

    Of course she doesn’t need to forget he ever existed and strip every reminder of him for her life, but she should be able to move on and form relationships with someone else without needing constant reminders of her late boyfriend. I agree with LW1 that it doesn’t sound like she’s there yet, or that she’s genuinely trying to move forward.

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    • Cleopatra Jones

      Cleopatra Jones August 18, 2017, 1:43 pm

      Yep, I agree.
      It’s OK to be sad about his death but the constant grieving of a HS boyfriend? I honestly think she needs grief counseling to help her move past his death. No one is saying that she needs to forget him but being this distraught after 3 years of anyone’s death is not normal or healthy.*

      LW needs to move on because until she gets herself into some therapy to deal with the situation, she is not in the appropriate space to date anyone.

      My mother passed away after a short battle with cancer on my birthday. On my birthday, y’all. Do y’all have any idea how hard that is? Even with all of that, I couldn’t imagine grieving this long and frequently. A 3 year long period of grief has to be taking toll on her mentally and physically.

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      • avatar

        csp August 18, 2017, 2:02 pm

        But do you post on your wall that you miss your mom on her birthday or mother’s day? I think this happens on anniversaries.

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      • avatar

        ele4phant August 18, 2017, 4:48 pm

        I guess the hang up for me is that I interpreted it that she posts and talks about her late boyfriend every single day, and then for about a week around the anniversary of his death she retreats. If she’s still talking about him/posting about him everyday, I don’t think you could argue that what she’s doing is healthy anymore.

        As others have pointed it out, it’s possible to interpret a different way – that she’s only posting about him surrounding the anniversary of his death, in which case, yeah, that would be normal and healthy and new boyfriend needs to back down and work on his own insecurities.

        But I’m not convinced my first interpretation is wrong…

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      • avatar

        dinoceros August 18, 2017, 7:24 pm

        I thought so, too, ele4phant. I think the boyfriend is still being harsh, but only because it’s not his job to police this. If he isn’t comfortable with how much she talks about her late boyfriend, then he needs to move on. Grieving looks different for everyone, but a person who posts about their late boyfriend every day is not ready for another relationship.

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  • avatar

    MiMi August 18, 2017, 1:47 pm

    LW1, I don’t think it’s wrong or bad to feel insecure when your SO is pouring out her sadness over her lost love, whether it is public or private. Your feelings are your feelings and just as valid as hers. I didn’t see that you’ve discussed any of it with her in a calm moment not right around the tragic anniversary? She’s not a mind reader and you should not try to be one either by assigning meaning to what she does when you don’t really know. What doesn’t work, especially around death, is to hope or expect someone else to just ‘get over it’. Maybe try talking with a grief counselor yourself, someone who has the training and experience to help you put this situation into perspective. Sometimes people do lose their way in grief and need some help from a professional. We don’t know if your girlfriend falls into that category (and you should not be the judge of it). Sometimes timing is far from perfect between two people who would otherwise be a great match. This isn’t a wrong or right situation, this is one that calls for you to be kind and thoughtful, to understand what you need, to find out what she needs, decide what you can offer, what you can accept, what you two can compromise on, etc. without ego getting in the way. Good luck!

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  • avatar

    Miss MJ August 20, 2017, 9:30 am

    Both of these letters are excellent examples of “You can’t change someone’s behavior and it’s okay to just break up.”

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  • avatar

    J2017 October 16, 2017, 4:29 am

    My boyfriend passed away 5 years ago. I’m 25 now. He was my first love and soulmate. From experience I would say if you can’t handle her way of grieving maybe you should move on. Grieving can take years from my experience and it’s not something that happens overnight. Everyone grieves differently. First 3 years after my bf died was horrible. I went thru deep depression, suffered from anxiety and PTSD. I’m at a point in my life now where I’m finally happy and can actually fully move on. If you truly love her you should give her time.

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  • avatar

    Aaron Hubbard March 28, 2018, 12:02 pm

    So far wrong on this abby, sounds like your a man hater. I have been with my girlfriend 9 years and every year she celebrates her dead ex and its super disrespectful. Its almost ended our relationship and may still, if death is not a reason to move on than there will never be one

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy March 28, 2018, 12:09 pm

      Yeah, ok, my name is wendy as clearly stated in the url and title of this site, but thanks for playing. Keep googling “My wife is obsessed with her ex” and maybe eventually you’ll find someone who tells you what you want to hear…

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      • avatar

        Fyodor March 28, 2018, 12:32 pm

        Listen, Ann Landers, it’s clear you don’t know what you’re talking about.

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      • avatar

        Carl Joe August 25, 2018, 1:28 pm

        Wendy,
        Your advice/comments about LWI are abrasive and insensitive. You should not be giving relationship advice at all, because rather than responding to the topic or offering constructive comments, you resort to name-calling, attacking and shaming people. YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO TACKLE THE ISSUE/SUBJECT WITHOUT GOING AD HOMINEM AGAINST THE PERSON SEEKING ADVICE OR THE OTHER PERSON/PEOPLE INVOLVED.

        Look up “Ad Hominem,” if you don’t already know what it means. Your “advice” is like a debate where you attack your opponent instead of the issue!

        You advocate therapy. Imagine a therapist talking to LW1
        with your tone. I think your “advice” or response is dangerous! You may end up worsening the issue and/or wrecking relationships (if some of your “advice” are followed). I studied psychology (including counselling and psychotherapy), and I am currently in a relationship. Anyone who knows a thing or two about counselling would cringe at your advice.

        The comments are even more dangerous. Just because a lot people agree with you does not mean that you are right. You set the tone for the comments, which are more destructive than constructive. However, I am glad that some comments are more constructive by showing empathy, suggesting communication and counselling, instead of your abrasive and insensitive comments (LW1) which you ended by “MOA.” In other words, based on your judgement, he should end the relationship and move on already because (in addition to other things) he is incapable of dealing with the situation. If he follows your advice, the relationship is headed for a break up. By so doing, the (grieving) girlfriend, whom you defended ferociously, would have an ex (in addition to her “late” boyfriend) to be sad about.

        Furthermore, I wonder if gender/sex was a factor in your abrasive and insensitive comments. Think about it. If LW1 were a woman seeking advice, would you respond to her as you responded to him?

        Finally, notice how I made my points clear without attacking you. I was tempted to ask about your qualifications and competence in giving such an unremarkable (or remarkable) advice, but I held back. That would be Ad Hominem, if I had used your qualifications (or lack thereof) to attack and label you as incapable. Again, that would ad hominem. I’m sorry I did it anyways, but I did it to emphasize that you ought to be more careful to make sure that you attack the issue/argument and not the person.

        PS: I did not proofread this comment. Just wanted to give my 2 cents and couldn’t careless about editing this lengthy comment.

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      • avatar

        ron August 25, 2018, 3:49 pm

        Carl Joe —
        I think you’re due a penny change. I don’t think you’re actuall y a psychologist… and you’re in a relationship. Wow! That puts you on a par with 80% of adults and qualifies you to give and critique advice.

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      • avatar

        Kate August 25, 2018, 4:14 pm

        Holy long winded. Do you go on like that in your therapy sessions?

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      • avatar

        keyblade August 25, 2018, 4:44 pm

        @CarlJoe, Why is your name linked to gmail?

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      • avatar

        ron August 25, 2018, 10:14 pm

        Carl Joe —
        And the strangest thing about your complaint is that Wendy’s answer to the original poster did not contain any name calling and also didn’t contain any ad hominem attack. It was straight explanation of what the OP asked about and good advice on how he needed to either accept his gf as she was, including her memories and grief over a lost relationship, or MOA and allow her to get on with her life.

        I’m of an age when a lot of friends lose spouses and SOs to death, and many start new relationships and even remarry — often these relationships are with another person who also lost their spouse to death. They have all understood that a loving relationship ended by death never leaves you. They all understand that their new love will always lover their deceased lover/spouse. If you are jealous and can’t handle that, then you can’t get involved with a widow or widower or anybody else who lost their SO to death. You’re not a big enough, generous enough, or self-confident enough person to handle that. You should stick with those whose prior relationships ended by breakup or divorce.

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    • avatar

      JD March 28, 2018, 12:43 pm

      Your GF is so lucky you are going to leave. Thank goodness she hasn’t been dumb enough to marry you yet.

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  • avatar

    Brad June 18, 2018, 3:28 pm

    I’ve been dating this girl for a little over a year and her husband who committed suicide three years ago leaving behind three little boys. Yesterday being Father’s Day was very tough for them as well for my son and I. They were pretty upset and my son not really understanding was lost and confused so we left. My question is, how do I help this situation? I need some guidance

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    • avatar

      MSG July 28, 2018, 12:08 am

      You can help the situation by being present with them, being there when they need and giving them time when they need. Don’t abandon them or make them feel that they are alone. Don’t try to be a savior but show respect toward their loss. Sometimes people get angry because they feel that no one understands them, usually it’s at people that act like they understand what they’re going through. Everyone experiences the loss of a loved one differently. Your experience of losing a loved one, no matter how significant that person was to you, is very different from another person’s experience of losing their loved one. You can only relate to them but you won’t ever totally understand what they’re going through. Words at this point don’t really matter, usually it’s words that come out wrong, so it’s your presence that matters the most. As for your son, you can tell your son about the situation, no child (besides infants of course) is ever too young to understand what losing a loved one means so don’t hide that from them or else they will be confused. Just tell your son that they had a dad just like he has you but that their dad passed away and since it is father’s day they’re upset because they miss their dad who is no longer alive and with them. You are there to support them because you love and care for their mommy.

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  • avatar

    MsG July 19, 2018, 12:11 am

    I was 22 when my boyfriend died. I hate it when people refer to him as my “ex”. He was not an ex, he was my boyfriend. We loved each other dearly, saw and planned a future together, the only thing we didn’t plan was his death. So that was unexpected, and you can imagine how shattered my life was to wake up one day with no closure to everything that had a start. Anyway, shortly after his death I met a guy. I was still grieving the loss of my boyfriend, but I felt ready to move on. That guy really liked me, and I really liked him, we fell in love, but he couldn’t accept the fact that I was still grieving my late boyfriend. I needed that guy the most to tell me everything will be okay and that he is there for me since I have nobody. I needed a new chapter in my life. That guy would’ve helped me go through my grieving process faster and create this new chapter with me. But since he was jealous and felt competitive toward my dead boyfriend, he decided to step away from me and leave me hanging. I felt a second loss in a row! I was so hurt and sad! Even though that guy decided to step away from me he still liked me a lot. He waited from afar and even dated another girl during his “wait” for when I will stop talking about my late boyfriend or observing his death. There came a time when I was done grieving and altogether even stopped observing my late boyfriend’s death, anniversary, and birthday. Right away that guy called me and wanted to be in my life. Guess what? When I moved through my grieving process and moved on with my life, I moved on from that guy too. If he was with me during my grieving process I wouldn’t have moved on passed him too. If he wasn’t with me when I was hurting, he will not be with me when I’m healed and happy! After all that I’ve gone through, I’m so much a different and renewed person today. That guy still likes me today. I can see regret in his eyes and “too late” in his eyes. Too bad.

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  • avatar

    Mini August 18, 2018, 2:10 pm

    I have an boyfriend who wasn’t completely honest about an ex. But I later found out was his wife and I am pregnant. So they were married when she passed away I feel so terrible but they weren’t able to complete the divorce before her death so technically he is a widower. I feel so sad for him because he hurts I hurt. But then he doesn’t want to talk to me and when he does he states how much he love and loves her although she hasn’t been with him in a few years I’m not sure how to handle it or if I should just leave him be and not be with him because I don’t want to stress as loose the baby and I don’t wanna be insensitive either or get jealous when truly a death of anyone is hurtful help me please.

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    • avatar

      anonymousse August 19, 2018, 10:10 am

      Ask him to speak to a grief counselor.
      I don’t think you should leave him for feeling sad sometimes. He’s with you now, and loves you, right?
      Be as supportive as you can and try to pull the focus to the future.

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  • avatar

    Oracle August 19, 2018, 9:39 am

    This so called boyfriend is a lair. He will do to you what he did to his wife. You really have not gotten the whole trueful story. I bet the wife was sick (this is barring some sudden accident) and this guy was stepping out on a sick wife. I do not care if he his given you the line they were separated, they were still married. What a gem. The baby comes first and stress is bad for both you and the baby. I am also betting there is also another women on the side. Stop worrying about this gem of a guy. Baby comes first.

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  • avatar

    Smart Owl October 11, 2018, 10:48 am

    I think it’s ok to grieve about your dead ex. But to tell your new boyfriends or girlfriends that the ex was better – it’s rude . Especially, if that relationship was broke! Advise for everyone, if your girlfriend is grieving of that kind relationship get out ASAP and don’t even spend your time on it! Harsh advice? Maybe. But better to move on, life is to short to comfort someone who does not respect you!

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  • avatar

    Suzanne November 16, 2018, 7:24 am

    Wow Wendy! Sounds to me like you hate men. I, too dated a man who lost his ex to suicide three years prior to our date. This man was the very most emotionally and physically unavailable human being on planet earth. He had one foot in the grave with her. I never wanted him to forget her or not remember her. But I wanted him to be available to the person in front of him giving him love and compassion. His lack of availability landed me in counseling after he broke up with me because he cannot ‘release’ his guilt. If any human being is still in the process of grieving(which is fine!), then they have NO rite dating. No rite to hurt another LIVING person. Your advice on this one is hideous and abhorrent.

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy November 16, 2018, 8:44 am

      I think the word you’re looking for is “right” not rite.

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        JD November 16, 2018, 8:57 am

        Ha Wendy I wrote the same thing but then deleted it to not be a bitch but let’s not lie, I am. 🙂

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