My biggest issue with her is that she won’t come out to her son and refuses to even discuss it with me. Her son has a room in my house, but he’s only there on weekends. He stays with his grandmother during the week. When I have discussed her telling him, she states that she doesn’t want to confuse him and she will tell him someday. In the meantime when he’s around I have to act like a friend and she rips her hand away or acts really rude if I come close to her. Even if I give her a hug, she gives me a dirty look and pushes me off. I booked a trip for his birthday and she ignored me on the trip and neglected me the whole time. She is normally very affectionate towards me and we are loving towards each other. When he’s around, I can’t call her “baby” or say anything to her that would indicate that we are dating. I have to hold back the whole time.
As you can see. this is getting worse and I’m almost to the point of giving up and telling her to pack up and get out. I have grown resentful towards her son and don’t know how to explain to her further that this is causing a huge strain on our relationship. — Tired of Being in the Closet in my Own Home
If you’re almost to the point of telling your girlfriend to pack up and get out, I’d suggest you push yourself however much further you need to go to reach that point fully and let her know that she can no longer stay in your home until she is ready to come out to her son. Tell her that, for as concerned as she is about confusing him, you feel as though her living with you full-time along with his staying with you on the weekends without knowing the nature of your relationship already likely IS confusing — for him AND for you — and you need to reclaim your space and reclaim some of your sanity.
Honestly, I can’t believe you invited your girlfriend to move in with you without your relationship being clear to her son, especially knowing he would be a pretty big part of your domestic life together, staying with you every weekend. And I can’t believe she, as a concerned and loving mother, went ahead with the plan without thoughtfully introducing her orientation and her true relationship with you to her son. He’s 11 years old — old enough to understand that his mother loves another woman, especially when the idea is explained in age-appropriate language. Even if he’s confused by the idea, like your girlfriend seems to think he’ll be, clearing the confusion is as easy as answering some questions, giving him some time to process the new information, and letting him see you two as a couple and see how two women together — even when one happens to be his mother who has been involved with men in the past — isn’t any different than any two people of any sex who love each other making a life together.
That your girlfriend is so scared of confusing her son suggests that perhaps she isn’t as settled in the idea of being in a lesbian relationship as she’d like you to believe she is. Maybe it’s SHE who is confused. Maybe it’s SHE who isn’t ready yet to claim an identity she’s afraid will define her, especially in the eyes of her young son. And maybe she isn’t quite as ready to fully commit to you as she has said she is. This doesn’t mean it won’t ever happen. I just think you’ve moved a little faster than she was apparently ready to move. And now you need to backtrack, give her some space to figure shit out, and be patient if you can. In the meantime, let her know you still love her and want a future with her but that, in order to move forward, you need to feel part of her life completely and not like a partially hidden part she’s ashamed to share with her son.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected]endy.com.