You’re asking the wrong question here. Rather than wondering how you can “get her to let you come over,” you should be asking how you can convey your concerns to her and find out what hers are. When you focus on communication and understanding each other’s perspective rather than simply getting what it is you want, there’s a much better chance that your relationship will succeed and your needs will be met (perhaps through a compromise). You seem to think there’s one likely reason your girlfriend doesn’t want you coming over: she’s cheating on you. Ok, sure, that’s a possibility. But isn’t it also possible that she’s genuinely really freaked out about “this virus stuff” that has taken over 90,000 lives in the United States in less than three months? Maybe she fears you haven’t taken this virus stuff as seriously as she has and have been exposed to it and would expose her. Maybe she’s really struggling, emotionally, and is worried about you seeing her in a vulnerable state, I don’t know. And it’s clear you don’t really know and I have to wonder, if you’ve actually been connecting digitally over the past two months, why don’t you have some idea what her state of mind and thought process is? It’s really easy to find out – you just have to ask her.
Again, it’s all about the questions you ask. Instead of repeatedly asking when you can come over, why not re-frame your inquiry by asking what she’s most afraid of by your coming over. You say you think your girlfriend doesn’t understand your needs, but what are her needs? Do you have any idea? Ask her! What would she need in order to feel comfortable with seeing you? It’s a really simple question. Maybe she needs to meet you outdoors, or maybe she needs reassurance from you that you’ve been limiting your exposure to other people. Maybe she needs you to not touch her yet. Maybe she needs you to immediately wash your hands when you arrive to her place or promise to sit a few feet away from her. Maybe she needs a few visits or a few more weeks to warm up to the idea of your resuming a physical connection with her. These are all additional possibilities that are just as likely, if not more so, than the idea that she’s cheating on you. And all you have to do to get a sense of the reality is to ask the right questions, which I’ve just laid out for you.
It may be that your needs, which are reasonable—you just want to see and touch your girlfriend after however many weeks or months apart, cannot be met by her at this time. You may simply have different thresholds of comfort around this whole virus stuff that time and compromise can’t help you bridge. And if that’s the case, you may decide this is a dealbreaker and end the relationship (particularly if you genuinely have so little trust in her that your initial concern isn’t about her well-being but that she’s hiding an affair). If that happens, you’ll be on the market again and just one word of caution: your girlfriend won’t be the only woman you find who’s modifying her dating behavior during the pandemic and not jumping at the opportunity to have you over to her house.
The problem is this: my girlfriend’s best friend is also in California, and as soon as I told her about the wedding, she immediately said, “Oh sweet, I get to visit so-n-so!” Well, I feel there won’t be enough time. I am a person who believes a wedding, especially with friends I see once every year if I’m lucky, is a weekend-long celebration. But she has her heart set on visiting her friend whom she rarely gets to see. I told her how important it is that we celebrate the wedding all weekend with my friends, and she is very set on seeing her friends, too. She thinks that the wedding and the reception are the only important activities.
So, when situations like this come up, and I tell her to go hang out with her friend, which I am not 100% happy with, I feel like I’m caving…but what am I to do? She isn’t making me ditch out on my friend’s activities, and I wouldn’t want her to resent me by keeping her from doing what she wants to do. But what do I tell my friends, with fear that they think their wedding events are not as important to her? (Let me clarify that wedding events are things like going out on the town and drinking or breakfast the day after the wedding with everyone). I also do not want to invite a stranger to my friend’s wedding activities (aka trying the whole combine both friends to stay together).
Is my lack of seeing her ability to compromise clouded by my selfishness? – Weddings are Weekend Events!
My answer and lots of comments, here.