I thought I could handle the situation and I loved my husband enough to stand by his side, but now we are married and, as the due date approaches, I find myself hating this entire situation. This woman slashed my husband’s car tires after he told her he was engaged to be married, and she played games saying it’s not even his child–and then changed her mind again and said it was. She got married and now lives in another state with her husband. She asked my husband to give up the rights to being in this child’s life, but he was advised not to sign any type of document before he knew if this baby was, in fact, his.
I don’t want that baby in my life. I told my husband that, if that is his child, I want a divorce, and he told me that he would give up his rights to see the baby if it would make me stay. Now I feel horrible for saying I’d divorce him, but part of me still doesn’t want him to have this child. That child already has another father who is married to the mother. Why does my husband need to be involved? I need help. I don’t know what to think or what to do or what to say to my husband. — Married to Someone Else’s Baby Daddy
You need help, and you need more help than I — or anyone — can give you in a single advice column reply. It makes no sense to me that you agreed to marry someone whom you had been broken up with for several months while you were away, presumably in another state. It makes no sense that you wouldn’t wait until you got home and could date again — in person — for a while before deciding that your relationship was strong enough to commit to something as serious as marriage. It makes no sense that you let your husband’s family plan your whole wedding while you were away or that you still married someone who slept with someone else — after you got engaged! And it makes NO sense that even after that woman claimed to be pregnant with your now-husband’s baby — and, oh, if I could have a dollar for every “one-night-stand” that resulted in a pregnancy — you were like, “Eh, I can handle that.”
I mean, no SHIT you hate the situation you’re in. You’ve taken zero — ZERO! — agency or ownership in any decision that’s been made in this situation. You agreed to marry a man you didn’t have a relationship with. You let his family plan the wedding. You seemingly didn’t flinch when he told you that, “Oops, got drunk while you were away, screwed another woman, knocked her up!” And when you finally did find a freakin’ back bone and made some kind of decision in this mess and told your husband you would divorce him if the baby was his, you suddenly “felt bad” when he said he’d sign away his rights to this kid if it would make you stay.
First thing that needs to happen: get a therapist. Second thing: insist on a paternity test. Third thing: decide whether you want to stay with a man who would cheat on you AFTER YOU AGREED TO GET MARRIED. I don’t care whether he’s the father or not — the fact that he could be means he cheated on you (and face it, it probably happened way more than once, and quite possibly with more than one woman). And it’s not like you had a great, strong relationship before he cheated that could help you weather this enormous challenge. You’d been broken up for months and only decided to “get back together” while you were far away and couldn’t actually see each other in person. That’s not the strong relationship foundation a couple needs to deal with a cheating situation. It’s not the strong relationship foundation a couple needs to deal with … ANYTHING.
Honestly, if I were you, I’d just get an annulment and chalk all this up to a bad mistake. It was a mistake to get married without any history of relationship success. It was a mistake to marry someone who cheated on you post-engagement. It was a mistake to believe you could handle your brand-new husband having a baby with someone else. And it was — and is — a mistake to base your future on the results of a paternity test like one answer is better than the other — like, if your husband can escape responsibility for this child, your relationship will succeed. That’s like saying your car won’t be damaged in a bad crash if your airbags deploy. No, maybe the people inside will be ok, but the car is still going to be damaged — probably even totaled. Your relationship is the car. You are the people inside it. Start making some good decisions — finally — and you can still be OK. But your relationship? Pretty totaled, if you ask me.
In other words: MOA.
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