From the forums:
I’ve never been interested in having a long-distance relationship. Even in my teens there were guys that wanted to date me, but the minute I found out they lived hundreds or thousands of miles away I became disinterested. That is my preference. I understand that there are wives and even husbands that do ok with being away from their spouses for extended periods of time, but I’m just not like them. I’ve been given the advice to have my own life (which I do). I’m a full-time mom, employee, and nursing student. I’m not up under my husband nor do I want to be. I feel that because I’m not happy with my husband’s plans to continue over-the-road truck driving and I’ve expressed that I’ve never been interested in being with someone in a long-distance relationship, I’m a bad person. He’s made me feel selfish for not supporting his dream, but I’ve functioned like a single mom without complaints. I’ve only discussed with him some of the challenges that I’m facing with trying to juggle everything. The only reason I even told him how I felt was because he asked. I’m starting to resent him because I feel like I was lied to, and I’m really having second thoughts about whether this relationship can last when we have such differing views about such an important decision. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance! — Trucker’s Wife
What you have is a problem with communication and expectations. You had an expectation that your now-husband would be a certain way and that he would stay that way, always. But over the course of what one would hope to be a decades’ long marriage, people change. Their jobs change, their demands and responsibilities change, their interests often change, and sometimes their ideals and values change. As committed spouses, we work to adapt to those changes in ways that don’t compromise our own integrity. This often requires some sacrifice; it definitely requires communication – communicating what is working for you and what isn’t and trying to find some common ground and areas where you can give and take. If a spouse is making more sacrifices than he or she is comfortable with and a compromise can’t be met, then that’s when conversations about how and whether to continue the partnership need to take place. It does not sound like you are having these conversations. It doesn’t sound like you’re expressing much about your feelings at all, actually. Why is “the only reason” you’re telling him how you feel is because he asked?! This is your life! Take some ownership here.
I suspect you have some feelings about being a burden on your husband. “I feel that because I’m not happy with my husband’s plans to continue over-the-road truck driving and I’ve expressed that I’ve never been interested in being with someone in a long-distance relationship, I’m a bad person.” You’re *not* a bad person for wanting your husband home, for not wanting to live as a single mother for weeks on end while your husband is on the road. It’s not only ok to have these feelings and to express them, but also it is necessary for your marriage. When you continue to suppress your voice, to quiet yourself, to make yourself as small and as compliant and as invisible as you can so to avoid confrontation or whatever negative thing you’re afraid will result from speaking up, you foster resentment and that resentment grows at the same pace as the space you inhabit shrinks. The more you try to curl yourself into a tiny, quiet little ball, the more that resentment in your chest builds like a fire until it burns down your marriage, until it burns down your spirit. Put that fire out, girl! Speak up! Tell your husband how you’re feeling and work with him to find a solution that addresses your family’s financial needs, your husband’s career interests, and your need to have a husband close to home on a regular basis. I promise that there’s a compromise there if you both are willing to look for it.
I think it would behoove you both to meet with a marriage counselor who can help you two figure out how to communicate. Marriage, like life, is ever-evolving. This won’t be the last time you’re faced with something in your marriage that doesn’t meet your needs. This won’t be the last time that expectations you had when you agreed to get married are challenged. Change doesn’t mean you’ve been betrayed; it doesn’t mean you’ve been manipulated and lied to. Evolution isn’t an affront to the status quo; it can be an invitation for growth. I hope you’ll take the invitation and see where it leads. A good therapist can be a wonderful guide as you – and your husband – follow the path, especially when you’re first starting out or when you face any new bumps or challenges. Good luck!