I told him that I would not marry him unless he went at least a year without smoking and so he quit for a while. We planned a big wedding and it was all paid for and then he started smoking weed again one month before. I could not get any of my money back and I knew my family would forever disapprove of him if they found out. I loved him and was ignorantly believing him when he said it was just for fun a few more times before we married. I should have known better.
I married him anyway, and less than a month later he went back to smoking at least once a day.
The biggest difference in my situation and all the other situations I read about online is that he has IBS, which causes stomach pain and frequent bowel movements, which he uses as a reason to smoke weed everyday. He tells me he will be in pain if he doesn’t smoke, which makes me feel like a bad guy if I ever ask him not to.
Now every night when I come home, he rolls his blunt and then smokes outside our house. Every single night. He also smokes at work which makes me worry about his job since we rely solely on his income. He smokes so much, I barely see him. I feel very isolated and depressed since we married. We have gotten in some pretty nasty fights. But besides this one issue, I feel like we are fine together. I am just so sick of never seeing him and the smell of pot and feeling like I’m being put second.
I’ve asked him to go to counseling and he refuses, and he won’t let me go either because he doesn’t want anyone, even a counselor, to know what he does. I don’t know what to do. — Desperate Wife
I’m curious about why you rely solely on your husband’s income. You don’t mention any reason — like having kids, being in school, or having a disability — that might preclude you from working at all. Your having a job wouldn’t change the situation — you married someone with whom you have differing values on a major lifestyle choice and practice — but your not having one could help explain some of your husband’s need and desire to self-medicate (in addition to the IBS/stomach pain). I would imagine it’s incredibly stressful being the sole financial provider, and I wonder if your husband doesn’t also feel some resentment about that (the same way you resent that he smokes and doesn’t make time for you).
All that said, it doesn’t seem like you two are match. And you knew that before you got married, but you didn’t want to lose the money already spent on a wedding. The bad news is the that time, effort, and expense of getting divorced will be a much bigger ordeal than canceling an already-paid-for wedding. The good news is that there’s no reason you can’t move on from this fairly quickly and seamlessly, go on to find a better match for yourself, and have a happy, fulfilling marriage with someone else. It would seem that your husband’s seemingly total indifference to your needs, coupled with his refusal of counseling, is reason enough to cut your losses now and move on. And your husband, for his part, will probably be happier and less anxious, too, to smoke in peace (well, as much peace as one can when it’s illegal) and not feel the stress of being financially responsible for an additional person.
By the way, you don’t need your husband’s permission for independent counseling. I would definitely look into it if I were you, especially as you navigate a potential separation and divorce.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].