As with any story, there’s more than one side and I suspect that, if I talked to your husband’s ex, her version of the timetable of events might be a little different than yours. She may have filed for divorce, but that doesn’t mean your husband wasn’t without some fault. Could it have been a rekindled relationship between you and her husband that led his ex to end things with him? That would certainly explain why she might blame you for “stealing her man.”
But regardless what the timetable of events were that led to the present, the scenario is till very much in your favor: you are married to the man you want to be married to. She is not. Let this go, and please consider deleting your Facebook account. What good is it providing you anyway? For the sake of the four kids your husband shares with his ex, get off Facebook and keep your interactions with the mother of your stepchildren in-person and civil.
He’s been an absolutely mean person toward our 5-year-old son and me since this lady has been in his life. He’s not showing up to his visitation and he’s not calling our son because everything is considered an inconvenience to his new relationship. He also posts all day about their relationship on Facebook, and she has sent friend requests to his friends and family. Weird. She also bashed me on social media, and I ignore it.
This is been hard for me. He’s acting way out of character. I was wife number three. The lady has been married twice as well. I’ve been married only once. He is 47, she is 46, and I’m 36. I would like healthy communication for my son, but it seems impossible. I am a professional, and I don’t want to stoop to their level. — Not Stooping to Their Level
First thing: block them on Facebook. I’d also consider deleting your own Facebook account. If you aren’t on Facebook, they can’t bother and harass you via Facebook. I’d also consider that maybe your ex is still drinking/drinking again. You say he’s an alcoholic who’s been married three times, so is it really out of character that he’s moved very quickly with this new woman and is acting erratically? As far as romantic relationships go, you need to erase any thought of ever “getting back” with him and consider this latest incident, however unpleasant it may be for you, a bullet dodged. Things would be much more unpleasant if you were romantically involved with him again and he started behaving in this weird way.
As far as your son goes, it’s really unfortunate that he has a father who doesn’t make him a priority. That means you have to work extra hard to make sure he feels loved and safe and protected. Is his father paying child support on time, at least? You could touch base with a family attorney to discuss what options you have to further protect your son if you think that’s necessary (and especially if there’s a chance he’s not sober). And you could appeal to family members of your ex if you are on good terms with them — your son’s grandparents or aunts and uncles he may have. If the relationships are good, maybe they can step up and help fill the gap your ex’s absence leaves.
Your son is going to be ok, though. Even if his dad totally drops out of his life. Lots of kids grow up with only one parent and they turn out fine. As long as you provide the love and support he needs and you fill his life with additional role models and people who care for him, he’s going to be just fine. All of those measures won’t fully eliminate the ache he will likely feel if his father continues neglecting him and rejecting him, but it will go a long, long way, and there’s no reason, with your love and support, that your son won’t grow up to be a completely well-adjusted, happy, confident person.
You’ve got this. Don’t let the bastard ex and his crazy new girlfriend get you down. They are mostly irrelevant to you and your ability to have a great life and family and home.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.