I truly don’t understand, and when I asked her about it and we discussed it, I thought we were all good, but then something I said afterward rubbed her the wrong way and she pushed me away again. She isn’t one to talk about her feelings, so how am I to understand why she has been reacting the way she has been? It’s hard to be going through this wedding-planning process when your BEST FRIEND/MOH shuts you out.
The only things I have been stressing about through this process have been the things I shouldn’t be stressing about. I don’t know what to do right now; she says she wants more Maid of Honor duties, but she tends to take on a lot, thinking it’s a burden to ask for help.
I guess my questions are: Why would I give someone more jobs when she ghosts me and I don’t hear from her for weeks? Should I ask her to step down and let my sister be MOH instead? I don’t know what to do or how to even approach the topic. — Shut Out By my MOH
When you asked your friend why she was ghosting you and you discussed things and you thought you were “all good,” what was her response to you? What was her reason for ghosting you? Did you listen to her? Did you consider what she was saying? What made you think you were “all good”? Was it because you understood her issues, considered her feelings, and made a conscious change in your behavior (or vice versa)? Or was it simply because she told you everything was all good and you believed her? I’m going with the latter. And I am betting you have no idea what her issue is and didn’t press finding out because she “doesn’t like talking about her feelings” and you wanted to get on with planning your wedding, right?
If you want to save this friendship, you need to get to the bottom of why your best friend keeps shutting you out. You have to step out of wedding-planning mode and simply be a friend. Maybe this has zero to do with you. Maybe there’s something going on in her life that she doesn’t want to burden you with because she has the impression that your top priority is wedding-planning. Or, maybe it IS you and she doesn’t know how to tell you. If you want to save this friendship, you have to make clear to her that it’s ok for her to tell you if she has an issue with your behavior or actions. You need to know so you can make amends and the two of you can move forward.
If you want to save this friendship, do NOT ask her to “step down” from being MOH. (That’s such a slap in the face.) And don’t give her “more duties.” What duties does she already have? I don’t understand the idea of a MOH having “duties.” It’s an honorary title. She wears a dress and stands next to you at the altar and maybe plans a bachelorette party. What else are you asking her to do? Maybe you’ve asked too much. Maybe she doesn’t like the duties you’ve assigned to her. Maybe you have starkly different expectations of what a MOH does. Why don’t you ask her if she’s comfortable with the role and the duties – if it’s what she imagined it would be like.
If you want to save this friendship, you have to prioritize the friendship above your wedding-planning. You have to think of this person as your friend — a person with her own plans she’s making, her own stresses, and her own needs and desires as opposed to your MOH. Your wedding plans are secondary to these things. Your role as a bride is secondary to your role as a friend. You’re a bride for a day; you’re a friend for much, much longer than that.
I say all of this because it seems that you are looking at your friendship through a lens of wedding planning: “It’s hard to be going through this wedding-planning process when your BEST FRIEND/MOH shuts you out.” Isn’t it hard to be shut out by a friend, period? If you’re looking at the deterioration of your friendship through the lens of planning your wedding, I bet dollars to donuts that you’re looking at the entire friendship and at your friend herself through that lens. I would not be surprised if THAT is the crux of the issue between you two. Your friend may feel forgotten as a person in her role as your MOH. There’s one way to find out: ask her about it. Don’t let her wiggle out of a discussion, however painful it may be for both of you. Your friendship is on the line here.
That being said, things were incredible until we moved in together. Around that time I noticed we stopped having sex as frequently (maybe once a month) and things really slowed down in the passion department. We don’t do anything “cute” or “date-y” anymore and the majority of our time is spent watching movies or running errands together. When we do go on dates, we talk and hang out, but there is no allure or romance. Even our anniversary date felt a bit lackluster.
He is a very special man whom I do love him with everything in me, and I know he returns the feelings. I can’t imagine life without him because he has been there unconditionally for me.
We’ve discussed marriage and I know he wants to marry me. When the issues are brought up, he tells me he’s just not a romantic person and doesn’t have the libido he did when we first met. I can’t help but worry that maybe we’re becoming just friends if this is how things are only two years in. Is this repairable? — Only Two Years In
It’s worrisome that not only are you living like friends (especially so early on in your relationship!), but also that when you brought up your concerns about the lack of passion and sex and romance in your relationship, your boyfriend’s response was completely focused on himself and not at all on you. He’s not romantic and he doesn’t have the libido he once does. Well, so fucking what? You have wants and needs. Is he going to simply ignore those wants and needs because meeting them will take some work and effort on his part? I mean, that’s what it sounds like. And that’s not ok. That isn’t sustainable. And that is absolutely not a quality you want in a partner, especially a longterm partner.
Kindness and patience and companionship are great, but you can get that from, you know, a sister or a friend. Hell, you can get those things from a dog. Without the romance and passion you want and need and should have, your relationship IS nothing more than a close friendship. That isn’t what you want. Tell him you are not OK with it. Tell him that even if it isn’t what HE wants, he has to make an effort to meet your needs at least some of the time. Tell him you want some romance, you want regular sex, you want dates that feel like dates and not just chillin’ with a roomie. Tell him that when you envision a life with a partner, running errands and watching movies is not going to be enough to keep you satisfied. It’s just not enough. You want a little spice on all those carbs.
If telling him this doesn’t light a fire under him, you’re in trouble. If he continues with his excuse of not being a romantic person and having a low libido, you’re in trouble. If he plans one romantic date and thinks that fixes things and should be enough to keep you happy now, you’re in trouble. And if he puts effort into meeting your needs but you knowing he isn’t into it and that takes away from your own enjoyment, you’re in trouble.
One of the important aspects of being intimate with a partner is the bond it helps create and foster. But when you know or suspect that your partner is just going through the motions to make you happy, that can affect the level of intimacy, and by extension, the bond you share. When the bond weakens, as I suspect yours has with your boyfriend, it’s hard to repair without a joint investment in creating intimacy. You have to find out if and how much your boyfriend is invested in this. If the answer is some variation of: “not much, not a romantic person, don’t need it,” then you probably don’t need him anymore, regardless of how kind and patient he is.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.