“My Mother and Sister Won’t Stop Fighting”
My sister and I both pay $200 p/week in rent to my Mum and Dad, which also covers bills and food, so it’s an amazing deal. We pay for our own cars and all those bills, we share a bathroom and keep that clean, we cook once a week, and help with the cleaning, so we aren’t lazy slackers!
I seem to get along really well with my mum and dad, but I’m having trouble living with my sister at the moment. She’s really mean and awful to her a lot throughout the week, and their fights are a weekly occurrence. I usually go to my room, shut my door and try to ignore it. My mum isn’t perfect either, and they are stuck in this cycle of just not liking each other and snapping at each other. Neither one of them wants to improve the relationship. My sister picks on my mum if she hasn’t washed a dish properly, or if the floors are dirty, and she is making little digs at her so often throughout the week. My sister has a short fuse and a temper problem, and gets so angry over small things. I understand perhaps something else is going on, and mum is just the trigger for her, but her emotional regulation is not good.
I myself have a hard time with confrontation, and my voice actually shakes when I try to talk to her about it. When I have confronted her about her anger, she seems oblivious to it, and really downplays it and keeps saying she is the most peaceful she has ever been at home, but I’m like, what? I hear so much and that’s definitely not it.
Should I just suck it up and let their relationship be theirs, and try not to get between them? — Sucking it Up So Far
You seem to understand that whatever is going on between your sister and mother is more than personality differences or disrespecting boundaries. That your sister is oblivious to her anger and claims she’s the most at peace she’s ever been suggests that you two, at the very least, have different perspectives, and, to be diplomatic, you two are experiencing reality differently. Unfortunately, she is more than your sister; she’s essentially your roommate, and your peace and comfort is compromised living with her. I’m not sure that you’re asking me – or yourself – the right question here. Instead of asking whether you should suck it up, you ought to be asking whether the emotional toll from the tension you live with on a daily basis is worth the great financial deal you’re enjoying on your living costs.
What’s going on with your sister, and by extension her relationship with your mother, isn’t going to go away. Even if she were open to discussing the issue with you, which she has not shown herself to be, it will take time and a commitment to addressing her mental health to reach a point of domestic harmony. This is not at all impossible, but to even begin the necessary steps, your sister would have to acknowledge that an issue even exists and to show a willingness to take some responsibility and address it, to say nothing of your mother’s participation in this healing process.
There’s a lot that needs to happen before the dynamic in your parents’ home is one you’d find more peaceful than it currently is. For someone who is already 27 and has “always” planned to move out, maybe it makes more sense for you to pursue that dormant plan than to wait on other people to heal. At some point, don’t you want to make a home of your own, foster independence, discover who you are when you aren’t simply someone’s daughter or sister hiding in a room trying to escape the tension that exists on the other side of your door?
These people are your family and moving out doesn’t mean you need to abandon them emotionally. But you may find that as someone who has trouble with confrontation, whose voice shakes when speaking up, the physical distance having your own place gives you may also provide the mental space to address your concerns with more confidence and compassion. The angle you’ll come from won’t be as an annoyed roommate, but as a concerned family member. Or you may decide to enjoy your newfound peace in your own place and when it comes to your mom and sister: “let their relationship be theirs.” Either way, the common thread in creating the domestic harmony you’re craving is embracing the one thing you have actual control over: moving out already. If, at 27, you’ve been waiting for a sign that it’s time, I think hiding in your bedroom every time your mom and sister fight is a pretty obvious one.
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I’m wondering if Mom and Sis sort of enjoy the fighting…I’ve seen some family dynamics that work that way!
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“to be diplomatic, you two are experiencing reality differently.” A kind approach indeed. I’m sure you’d benefit from following Wendy’s advice. You can’t sort out other people’s problems for them. When you have a bit more distance, you might want to get some support for how you handle confrontation.