Reason #1. My husband and I had a small courthouse wedding and invited just his parents, but his mother didn’t come. She said she wasn’t invited, even though we verbally invited her while sitting on her couch, and she said she wasn’t invited because my parents hate her. They don’t hate her – they’ve only met her once! From that point on it’s been hell. Let me tell you: HELL.
Reason #2. My husband’s mother got me high. Oh yes, first time getting high. My husband and I were fostering a 2-year-old child at the time that we all got really attached to. My MIL lives about an hour away from us and there’s a baseball stadium in her town, so I decided to invite my parents and my in-laws for a night out together with the baby. Prior to going to the game we stopped by her house to get the baby changed into some warm clothes. Well, my MIL made these delicious brownies, and I ate close to half the pan because she kept encouraging me to. She served me slice after slice. It hit me hard. So my first time getting high was at a baseball game with hundreds of people, sitting next to my parents, while caring for a 2-year-old! I was stoned for two days. My mom had to watch the baby, and my husband was a trooper taking care of me. I didn’t say anything to my MIL though. It wasn’t worth it. She knew what she did.
Reason #3. UNNECESSARY DRAMA. She will find the smallest things to start drama with me. It could do with my tone of voice, or why didn’t I stay at her place for long, or even just a stupid Facebook meme that has no meaning behind it. I don’t respond to her drama anymore. I used to, I’m guilty of fighting back, but not anymore! I’m tired. I’m done. I’ve been unhappy for the past three years trying to please my in-laws and befriend them, but they simply don’t like me. I want to be happy again, so I’m going to cut them off.
I’ve decided that I won’t answer my MIL’s calls or her texts, nor visit her or the rest of my in-laws. I’ll send hugs and kisses to them with my husband when he goes and visits. When we do have kids – the foster child we had is no longer in our care – I’ll let my husband take them to go see her because, after all, that is their grandma. My mom never kept me away from my dad’s family, and I won’t do that to my kids. Nor will I keep my husband away from his family because at the end of the day that will always be his family. He is ok with me cutting them off, and he understands where I’m coming from, which I’m extremely grateful for. These are just the consequences of marrying into that family. I knew they were snakes from when I was first introduced to them, and I was naive to believe they wouldn’t bite.
Is is wrong of me to cut them off? Or do I just keep putting up with the BS?? — Tired of the BS
I think it’s totally reasonable and healthy to set boundaries, and yours sound fine for now. I think it’s worth discussing this more with your husband though and running through potential scenarios where you should have some agreement ahead of time for how you’ll handle them. For example, what it you are both invited to a family holiday gathering? Is your husband going to go without you? Will you be OK being separated on a holiday? Will you ask him to skip the gathering and stay with you? Will you be willing to go, and if so, what are the occasions and scenarios where you might make an exception to your rule of avoiding your in-laws?
You can always change your mind later or re-evaulate your boundaries, but you should be really clear about what your husband can expect going forward. And since you want to have kids, I’d talk a lot more about what maintaining relationships with your in-laws with look like for your family. Are you NEVER going to be in attendance at family gatherings? Are your in-laws NEVER invited over to your place? Or, can they be invited over but only with forewarning and when you aren’t home? What if your in-laws want to celebrate your kids’ birthdays with them? Will you invite them to a party, or will you let them throw their own party for the kids? If they have a party for your kids, will you skip it, and, if so, what will your explanation to your kids be?
Again, setting boundaries is healthy and, a lot of time, can be necessary. But to avoid future conflicts and misunderstandings with your husband as much as you can, make sure you talk through a variety of scenarios so expectations are understood ahead of time and any disagreements can be discussed before tempers are high and emotions are raw.
PS WTF with the brownies?!