“My Mom Wants Me to Move Back Home, But I Don’t Like It”
The relationship issue I am trying to navigate is with my parents, particularly my mother. I am my mother’s only daughter, and she misses me terribly. I am so grateful for her devotion and love for me all through my life. However, despite my attempts at setting boundaries on the subject matter, she constantly insists I move back home near my small town.
Though my home state has a lot of beauty and I love visiting, I do not have any desire to return due to lack of public transportation, lack of cultural diversity, a poor dating scene for women (most men over 25 are already married), and weather I absolutely dislike. I feel guilty that I don’t want to move back to my home state, but I feel even guiltier because my father’s health is slowly declining (he has Parkinson’s). Thankfully, my mother is able to take care of them and we are in good financial standing in case he needs more care around the clock.
My plan now is to get a job with remote working options and ample PTO so I can see my parents more frequently and for longer periods of time. I plan to continue calling regularly. However, my mom still doesn’t think this is enough and ideally wants me to move near my hometown, marry someone local, and have children as soon as possible (I am not ready for children or marriage yet). She also says that she and my father visiting me in NYC or moving to my future cities are not options (she says plane travel would not be good for my father and that moving would be too stressful) and that they are unwilling to compromise on that part.
Wendy, how do you recommend I be a kind daughter to my parents when I can’t make them happy with my long-term location plans? I feel like unless I move back home, I will break my parents’ hearts, even though my home state is not where I want to be long-term. — Sad to Disappoint My Mother
I admire and respect that you want to be a kind daughter and make your parents happy. But what about your happiness? What about your parents being kind, loving, and supportive of you? Why should the burden of maintaining your relationship fall all on your shoulders? YOU are the one to visit them, YOU are the one who is expected to move, YOU are the one whose life must accommodate their needs and desires and dreams? But you’re the one with a full life ahead of her, and it’s YOUR dreams you should accommodate. Your plan to find remote working jobs that allow you ample time to see your parents more frequently and for longer periods of time is good enough. It’s good enough if it allows you to continue pursuing a life that supports your dreams because you’re living YOUR life, not theirs.
And keep in mind: You’re also allowed to change your mind about what you want or what you can accommodate. Maybe you can’t find the kind of job that allows you to see your parents as much as you’d like, or maybe one day, if you have the kids you say you want, you will be beholden to their school schedule, which will limit your travel time. And maybe your parents, with their more flexible schedule and desire to see their grandchildren, will decide that travel isn’t such an impossibility after all, and they’ll start making annual trips to see you. It’s important not to make too many promises, other than “I’ll do the best I can” (because what you can do will definitely change as your life circumstances change).
My point is: You really can’t plan everything out at this point, and you can’t control your parents’ reaction to any of your short-term or long-term decisions. What you can do is change your priorities and change how you react to them. Your top priority should be making yourself happy and taking the steps that create a lifestyle that supports your long-term goals, which include raising a family in a diverse city with ample tech jobs, nature outlets, and good public transportation. From there, you work on accommodating your parents and your relationship with them. If your mother doesn’t respect the boundaries you’ve set in place or the decisions you’re making to support your dreams, you give her her space to be unhappy and close that space off so you don’t have to deal with it. How do you do that? By telling her the subject is not up for discussion with you and hanging up the phone when she refuses to talk about something else; by not answering emails that give you grief; and by even shortening your visits or making them less frequent (and telling her why your visits are shorter).
Here’s the thing: There’s not one right way to be a loving daughter, just as there isn’t one right way to be a loving parent. And even if there were only one right way to love the people we love, being a martyr wouldn’t be it. Do you think, as devoted as your parents have been to you, that they gave up everything they wanted for themselves to raise you? Do you think they chose where to put down roots without any consideration to their own desires and needs? Of course not! They put down roots where they did for the same reason(s) you should choose your home: because of things that were important to them, based on their values, needs, and special interests.
It’s ok for you to make decisions that disappoint your parents. It doesn’t make you a bad daughter or a bad person. It makes you human like everyone else, doing the best she can to accommodate the needs and desires of her loved ones without sacrificing her own dreams and happiness. Anyone who asks more of you than that is asking too much.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
Sad to Disappoint, WWS. You’re going to have to shut down the guilt trip; there is no reason to believe that you are “breaking your mother’s heart” or that “you’re a bad daughter.” No, she’s breaking her own heart by choosing to get hung up on a whole bunch of expectations that she’s created for somebody that’s not herself. If I’m heartbroken because my dog won’t go to medical school, that’s on me, not my dog. You need to shut off the discussion everytime she starts troweling on the guilt; don’t give it any traction. Be polite but firm. She is living her life and making the choices she wants; now you get to do the same thing for yourself; that’s how it works.
You are trying to please her by offering compromises that you think will satisfy you both. It’s not going to work. She has her own fantasy of what you should do, and you already know that’s not going to work for you and that’s not going to happen.
Live your life on your terms. You’ve thought about where to live, have solid reasons for wanting to live in the type of small city you describe, and should stick with your plan. Your mother is being EXTREMELY unreasonable: not only do you have to move home, you have to marry a local guy right away and have kids right away. That sounds so incredibly crazy.
Yes, moving can be stressful, but people your parents age move all the time, either to downsize, get a more accessible home, or move to a warmer climate. Money can make a move far less stressful. You say they are set financially. Hire packers, movers, old house fixer uppers, painters for new house (although apartment probably easier), etc.
LW, Of course you feel conflicted. You grew up in a home that had a cultural expectation that you would remain close and take care of your parents but you were also raised in a country that expects you to go off and be independent. I think this is a common conflict in immigrant families and it is difficult.
My grandmother had Parkinson’s and it does progress. If your dad isn’t there yet, he will reach the point where it is too difficult and too exhausting for him to travel. You will have to be the one traveling for visits.
I grew up in a remote, rural area and I get it about the dating situation and everyone being married by 25. Everyone has either left or gotten married by 25. Most are married by 22. When pressed to come back and get married would it work to say, “Mom, we both know there is no one left unmarried who is worth marrying.” or “Mom, you know that would never work because there is no one left to marry. Moving back would mean no grandkids.” To getting a local job. “Mom, you know they don’t have the type of job I do and they don’t have the type of job I’m taking courses to do.” Add on, “Why do you keep asking this?” Try to turn her questions and demands back on her. Then say we’ve already discussed this and you know it won’t work. You can say I miss you and I’ll see you as much as I can and that’s the best I can do for all of us.
All you can do is make the best decisions you can for yourself. See your parents when you can and if you mom gets too push cut a phone conversation short. It’s harder to cut a visit short because you’ll have booked your tickets ahead of time but you could spend more time out and away from their house.
My mother also has some crazy hang-ups on me moving home. In fact, since I moved to NYC nearly 9 years ago, she still thinks that I’m going to call her one day and tell her that I’ve decided to come back.
It got to a point where I stopped sharing things with her. When I would call and say “I got a promotion!” it would only be followed with “I guess that means you’re not moving home soon, then.” Not, “congratulations!” or “well done!”. It wasn’t like I was saying to her “You know, if the circumstances were different, I would totally come back home.” I hadn’t been saying that at all. She just had it in her head that you go back home eventually… because that’s what she did.
I finally had to tell her that I didn’t feel comfortable sharing the details of my life with her because she could never accept that my life was better for ME living in NY. After she realized that her hang-ups would cost her the entire relationship we had, she backed off.
But, I did have some issues with getting married in NY. She fought me pretty hard on that, but I won!
LW, live the life you want to live. Your parents should be happy that you’re happy. But, I do know the guilt you feel. I still feel it too. Stick with it though, It does get better.
LW: I started reading and actually stopped to think if I had written a letter in to Wendy a while back because this is very similar to my life. You’re in a better position because your mother is there to help your dad, and they are financially stable. I am in a similar position, but my mom is single and is not financially stable. It sounds like your’e already a good daughter, so I don’t think there’s much more you can do.
A few things to keep in mind:
–Adults get to choose their lives. Your parents chose the life they wanted, and you get to as well. Adults don’t get to choose their own lives and their children’s lives.
–That said, they’re the ones who live in a place where most young professionals would not want to live. My parents moved to a more remote part of their state, and a part of me is like, well, if it’s so important to you that I live near you, then why would you move somewhere I’d never want to live?
–Sometimes parents can be selfish. Honestly, a lot of times. My parents react to news about a new job or whatever based on how it affects them. They don’t ask me how i feel about it or congratulate me — they ask, “How often will we see you if you live there?” I don’t totally fault them. Your parents love you, so they want you around. But it doesn’t mean that they get the right to make you do what they want.
–Finally, my mom tells me that even though it’s sad for her that i moved away, she knows that her goal to raise an independent woman happened. A sign of good parenting is that your kid is self-sufficient. As much as they may not talk about it, surely they realize this.
Keep living where you want. My parents are older, and just as your mind might change, so could theirs! My parents loved living in the country, but as they got older, it became evident they wouldn’t be able to keep the property up. They also lived on the opposite side of town from the hospital, and would frequently drive two and a half hours to austin to see doctors. They eventually moved to the suburbs, which was a huge adjustment for them. (Neighbors and traffic but also they could get Internet and lots of places to eat out).
LW: Your mom needs to learn how to be happy with your individuality and decisions. Don’t deprive her of that learning opportunity.
The more you make it your place to solve for her, the harder it is for her to figure this one out.
My mom also likes to lay down the guilt trips. I would tell your mom what you want in life and what makes you happy and turn the tables on her. Ask her why she wants you to live the rest of your life being unhappy. Tell her bluntly you will be miserable if you had to live in a small town and tell her what you are looking for in a place of residence. I see one of two solutions here…1. find a diverse and interesting city to live in that your parents can drive to or 2. tell your parents you think that once you settle down in the place of your dreams you would like them to move closer to you. Would they be willing to upset their life to live near you? If the answer is no then why would they want you to upset your life to move closer to them? You are starting off in life and you need to follow your dreams, job goals, etc….that is more important than moving back to a small town just to make your mom happy and giving up on your dreams. Their careers/life plans are at the retirement stage in life and they should consider moving closer to their daughter once you settle down somewhere.
I agree with setting boundaries and pursuing your hopes and dreams where you would like to achieve them.
I do wonder how much more difficult and tricky this is for someone growing up in an immigrant family. Not knowing the cultural context makes a difference. There may be different cultural norms, social expectations and roles at play. Perhaps getting a therapist sensitive to your cultural context could help you to work out your feelings and concerns as well as provide you with tools to help you effectively communicate with your mother about the unfair pressure and guilt she is leveraging but in a way that would be culturally sensitive.