I have a small 5-year-old dog whom I’ve raised from a puppy; she’s basically like my child. The thing is that my boyfriend gets jealous of her and often will comment on how he doesn’t like her or resents her, and I’m getting weary of it. When we are together, I spend most of my time focused on him because our time together is limited. It’s not like he is competing with her for attention, and the very idea of that sounds so juvenile just to type it!
The bigger issue is that my boyfriend is questioning what he wants to do in life (he has a job that he hates and that takes a lot of his time and energy; he wants to get into another field, but doesn’t know what) and it seems like he has a lot of growing up to do. I try to be as supportive as possible in getting him to talk about his passions, his dreams, his future goals, and what he might want to do, as well as learning about his family and background and what drives his thoughts and actions. He can be very closed off, but we are slowly getting to know each other.
I know the idea that he is jealous of my dog and the affection I give her is symptomatic of a larger problem. He is a sweet, funny, giving guy who really cares about me, and I don’t want to give up on our relationship too quickly, but I am frustrated that we are having issues and arguments this early on. He is often moody and will regularly apologize to me for being a “grumpy old man” when he says things that hurt my feelings, often about my dog and how much he doesn’t like her, etc.
I’ve been agonizing over how much longer to give this relationship or what the right course of action should be. Do you have any advice? — Love Me, Love My Dog
So… he’s a moody, closed-off, immature 20-something who lives over an hour away in a terrible town, doesn’t know what he wants to be when he grows up, and resents your dog? Oh, honey, no. You’re 31 — not “old,” but definitely on the other side of putting up with this kind of crap. If you were 21, I might tell you to hang in there a little longer, especially if you legitimately enjoyed his company and weren’t “looking for a spouse.” But it could take years for your boyfriend to grow into the kind of man you’re looking for, and investing in someone’s potential is better left for employers or people who have years to wait and see, not girlfriends in 30s who hope to start a family soon. I say MOA.
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Kay November 26, 2013, 9:08 am
Any time someone has an irrational hatred of your pet, you should MOA. And if your pet doesn’t trust the person you’re with, MOA.
At least, those are rules that I follow.
Addie Pray November 26, 2013, 9:10 am
But what if the pet is an evil cat? [Kidding, come on]
Kay November 26, 2013, 9:16 am
I did have an evil cat growing up – it hated my brother. So we had to choose between them. I always wondered what happened to my brother…(totally kidding).
Addie Pray November 26, 2013, 9:21 am
Haha, I lol’d.
bagge72 November 26, 2013, 9:19 am
Yeah I had an evil cat too! It would just walk up, and bite your face for no reason if you fell asleep on the couch. It tortured my dog, and then ran away, and hopefully made friends with a mountain lion.
lemongrass November 26, 2013, 9:28 am
My inlaws have an evil cat. It teases E by sitting just out of his grasp.
katie November 26, 2013, 9:29 am
haha, that cat isnt evil- that cat is smart!!
muchachaenlaventana November 26, 2013, 9:29 am
we have an evil cat that used to pee in my bed when i stopped letting her sleep in it (because she would no joke sleep on my head and claw/dig thing into my face). she is pure evil she would cry outside my door for an hour until i relented, then hop into my bed and 10 minutes later pee.
katie November 26, 2013, 9:32 am
peeing on beds specifically is a sign of separation anxiety, just fyi! my cat did that too
Addie Pray November 26, 2013, 9:45 am
and a sign of evil. watch, when i get my puppy, he will not pee anywhere he is not supposed to…. you just watch.
katie November 26, 2013, 9:48 am
haha, good one!
i hope jake doesnt get a puppy when we get a dog. also, i never want a kitten again. freaking babies. they are the worst.
muchachaenlaventana November 26, 2013, 10:01 am
yeah i could see that being the case if she was normally a really sweet cat. she is not ha. but this is interesting to know if/when I get an adorable cat-dog in the future.
Morgan November 26, 2013, 11:40 am
My parents cat has completely lost her mind. She was sweet when she was younger, but now she hates men. First time bf ever met he, he fed her chicken to try to placate her (she loves chicken), and she dug it out of her bowl and hissed at him. I didn’t hold it against him 😉
Diablo November 26, 2013, 1:27 pm
Then you would have a rational hatred of it, AP!
MMcG November 26, 2013, 12:38 pm
I feel like if those rules were followed the majority of deaths/problems in horror movies and Lifetime specials could be seriously reduced. The dog/cat ALWAYS sees the monster first 😉
Lyra November 26, 2013, 9:10 am
He’s jealous of your DOG?? Wow. That’s messed up. Quite honestly if someone didn’t like/resents my pet, I would MOA pretty much immediately.
Lyra November 26, 2013, 9:34 am
LW! You know what you should do? Next time he’s over and starts pouting, start scratching his head and the rest of his body vigorously and pretend he’s actually your dog. In your best doggie voice: “Who’s my pretty boy? You are! Who’s been a good boy all day?? Who wants a treat??”
Fabelle November 26, 2013, 9:13 am
WWS. The comments about your dog are enough for me to be like MOA, honestly, but read Wendy’s first sentence over again. Everything she packed in there are things YOU wrote about this guy, only condensed. He sounds like, to put it nicely, not…a catch. So let him go.
bagge72 November 26, 2013, 9:13 am
Um haven’t read this yet, but my advice from the title alone is dump him! Ok let me read it now.
bagge72 November 26, 2013, 9:16 am
So yeah, I’m going to stick with this, because after only three months in where this guy should still be on his best behavior, you are having to many doubts so I say MOA.
lets_be_honest November 26, 2013, 9:14 am
I’m not a pet person really, but even I think that’s super bizarre that he actually hates your dog and tells you that. How can someone even be jealous of a dog???
Addie Pray November 26, 2013, 9:16 am
What Wendy said all the way, but I’m just curious: why do you think your boyfriend ” gets jealous” of your dog? You said the word “jealous” but I don’t see any examples of how/why he is jealous. The examples you gave sound like he just hates dogs, or hates just your dog, which may still be enough to move on. Is it really a “jealousy” issue though? I’m trying to wrap my head around how one could be jealous of a dog – “jealous” makes me think your boyfriend wants to be walked and have his belly rubbed and maybe if you could pick up his poo every once in awhile… I’m not just trying to be goofy, I’m just wondering if “jealousy” is really going on here, and if it is, I’m dying for some examples… I think this dude just hates dogs. Actually, it sounds like he hates everything. Grumpy old men at the ripe old age of 27, or any age really, are no fun at all.
Fabelle November 26, 2013, 9:19 am
I kinda wanted examples, too. To me, it just sounds like he hates dogs/her dog in particular, which is wack, but I’m curious what he actually said. Direct quotes, LW ;)!!
bagge72 November 26, 2013, 9:23 am
Yeah maybe he does just hate her dog, and maybe she is one of those owners who never trained her dog to not jump all over people, and nip at at them. I hate when I go to someone’s house, and there is no control at all of the dog, and they don’t care that this dog is jumping all over people, and playing too ruff (haha). Those people never realize that not everyone loves dogs (weird I know, must be from some far off land like canada or something).
katie November 26, 2013, 9:27 am
those dogs TERRIFY me.
Addie Pray November 26, 2013, 9:29 am
I hope my doggie is a good doggie. I can see myself spoiling him and not training him properly… and then if anyone complains I’ll just say I’m following an alternative, more free spirited approach to dog raising and they can shove it.
bagge72 November 26, 2013, 9:34 am
Oh I’ll be shoving it alright!
Addie Pray November 26, 2013, 9:45 am
*gasp* – not a joking matter. Moose is going to be a love bug. Kisses and hugs only for my Moose.
muchachaenlaventana November 26, 2013, 9:32 am
not a fan of misbehaved dogs whose owners act like its their gift to you to be letting their dog jump/nip/maul you.
Addie Pray November 26, 2013, 9:33 am
that may actually be my gift to others though. everyone’s welcome in advance!
muchachaenlaventana November 26, 2013, 10:04 am
haha if you get a dog from a puppy it is really easy to train up to not jump on people and have boundaries! i am sure you will do a great job however you choose to train them. I will say though its really hard not to spoil little puppies. I got my dog at 6 months so she was out of the puppy puppy stage and it was a little easier to resist wanting to snuggle her at all times.
Hannah November 26, 2013, 1:45 pm
I hate all dogs. I’m not allergic, I don’t care if they’re calm and sitting in a corner or not, I just don’t like them. I also don’t like babies. Anything that needs my help to use the toilet/exercise on its own and can’t intelligently discuss modern literature is not a friend of mine (this is also why I didn’t go into the medical profession, before people get all “what about old/sick folks” – of COURSE I would assist a spouse if she were to become ill, but that’s a different matter altogether – that’s not CHOOSING to become involved with something that can’t use the toilet on its own).
Dog owners are also THE WORST. Like people with babies, it’s this huge expectation that everyone will fall all over themselves loving your creature (they must, therefore, be allowed everywhere you go – in movie theaters! at restaurants! at work!). I’m probably mostly cranky about it because i see it so much in big cities – people who are overworked get animals they can’t afford the time/energy to care for, and then expect the rest of the world to take care of their animal for them. I can’t count the number of job listings I’ve seen in the last two years that require you to love dogs. I’m sorry, I didn’t get a degree from an Ivy League university in a specialized field so I could walk your dog. You’d think that a sane person would never expect a Coordinator in most fields to also be your dog’s babysitter, but people do ALL THE TIME. So, yeah, I super hate dogs and their owners. Moral: I should never date this girl.
muchachaenlaventana November 26, 2013, 2:23 pm
I think this is a huge generalization. Not all dog owners/parents are the way you describe. Also I think its sad you have this view of dogs and their owners and clearly have been exposed to a really negative side the dog spectrum. The fact remains that a lot of people have dogs, people who actively hate dogs are probably a small minority, and although I do not believe dogs should be allowed anywhere you go, I do believe that well behaved dogs should be allowed in a lot of places they currently are not. I am 10x more likely to go somewhere if I can take my dog and would honestly take a pay-cut or work in a less desirable field if they allowed my dog to come into work with me. I think there is a huge difference between a well behaved dog and respectful dog owners and what you have clearly been exposed to. I love dogs but also have a really strong dislike for the type of dog owners you describe, just think it is really rash to make a statement like “i hate all dog owners and dogs”.
lets_be_honest November 26, 2013, 3:09 pm
If this were a comment about hating kids, people would be responding so differently I bet.
muchachaenlaventana November 26, 2013, 3:44 pm
ha yeah. i thought this exact same thing.
katie November 26, 2013, 3:48 pm
oh yes, havent we had that before? your a terrible human if you hate kids. i remember that being decided.
muchachaenlaventana November 26, 2013, 3:58 pm
ha yeah, i recall a rather vigorous/heated discussion on the topic.
katie November 26, 2013, 4:01 pm
yea, you have to put up with all the crying/screaming/tantrums. i remember that being decided. also, you have automatic veto for anything, including holidays.
lets_be_honest November 26, 2013, 4:09 pm
haha, this is funny. I don’t remember that, but I’m sure I was a part of it, but I actually meant that I think a ton of DWers would applaud and agree if someone said they hate kids.
jlyfsh November 26, 2013, 4:14 pm
i don’t know, i mean maybe if the tone was less ‘angry’, but i feel like the tone of the comment is saying all babies and dogs and their owners/parents are awful. i don’t think many dwers would applaud that. which i mean i honestly, don’t even know how to approach the comment. i get not being comfortable around babies and not wanting them, but out right hating something? i mean, sure some parents and some dog owners are annoying. but i don’t hate all of them! i don’t even think i hate the annoying ones, they’re just annoying!
GatorGirl November 26, 2013, 2:30 pm
Also we can’t be friends because I can’t intelligently discuss modern literature. Your loss.
bethany November 26, 2013, 2:38 pm
Yeah, seriously, cause GG rules 🙂
rachel November 26, 2013, 2:34 pm
I mean, I get why you don’t want to have dogs/kids because of this, but you sure are really angry at the fact that they even exist. Yeesh.
Fabelle November 26, 2013, 2:36 pm
haha right? I almost love this comment (Hannah’s, I mean) because it’s like a comical amount of unapologetic hate. Like, you opened up with “I hate dogs & babies”, you got ballz.
lets_be_honest November 26, 2013, 2:56 pm
lets_be_honest November 26, 2013, 3:06 pm
I’m confused about your job issue. Are people just randomly offering you dog walking jobs or are you job hunting and it just annoys you to see those jobs? When you apply for jobs with your fancy degree, people are expecting to be a coordinator (??) AND their dog walker? I think you might be interviewing at weird places if that’s ever happened.
jlyfsh November 26, 2013, 3:48 pm
yeah I don’t think I’ve ever seen a job as a coordinator, maybe if you’re someone’s like personal assistant, that says you have to take care of their dog. I’m intrigued. i have worked at an office that allowed dogs, but i absolutely loved it. but, obviously not everyone’s cup of tea!
lets_be_honest November 26, 2013, 3:51 pm
I can’t imagine someone with The Best Degree Ever would be applying for personal assistant jobs though.
I interviewed at a DA’s office once and they had dogs there. Weird/cool.
muchachaenlaventana November 26, 2013, 3:55 pm
my old job had on-site dog kennel/doggie daycare/dog run which was awesome. i didn’t have dogs then but just loved the idea of it. the owner’s dogs were allowed to roam freely through the office which was hilarious as they ALWAYS stole peoples food ha. no one seemed to mind though and I loved it. trying to convince my current boss to have once-a-week bring your dog to work day.
muchachaenlaventana November 26, 2013, 4:01 pm
also yeah I obviously am not in the same intelligence bracket as Hannah and did not attend an IVY league but never in any of the menial entry-level ordinary people jobs that I have applied for have I been asked to walk or care for someone’s dog? Maybe they live in New York or LA I’ve heard people are really crazy about their dogs in those places.
AliceInDairyland November 26, 2013, 3:22 pm
You know, on the one hand I agree with you. And I can understand being annoyed by those things, and I’m not a huge baby person but whatever. I also understand that just how the world does not revolve around dog owners or baby owners, it also doesn’t revolve around baby and dog haters. And we have created this clean, blank, antiseptic world in which people live in and have the expectation that nothing should ever alter or intersect into that bubble (ESPECIALLY if you go to an Ivy League school. Of course.)
Life is messy. Life is sometimes loud. Life is full of people that I don’t want to work with and sometimes life has dogs and babies in them. Life also has elitists, and I didn’t go to a state university and get a professional degree so I could discuss modern literature. Sorry.
I think my job would be your worst nightmare, Hannah. You have to work with dogs. BUT, you often work with DOG BABIES and ELDERLY DOGS. And you are almost always covered in spit, shit, blood, or a variety of other bodily fluids.
But at least I don’t have to discuss modern literature. 🙂
AliceInDairyland November 26, 2013, 3:23 pm
But like others said… I like your moxy, and if you can manhandle the world to be exactly what you want it to be… more power to you!
AliceInDairyland November 26, 2013, 3:24 pm
PPS… what about cats?
katie November 26, 2013, 9:22 am
i would think the jealousy stems just from attention. so not that he literally wants to be walked, belly rubbed, ect, but he is jealous of the fact that some other living thing is getting attention… and this guy says he wants a kid???
Addie Pray November 26, 2013, 9:27 am
Yes but then she said “when we are together, I spend most of my time focused on him…” so I figured the “jealousy” must not be tied to attention. I dunno, it’s not a big deal – it’s probably just the attention and more of a hatred of dogs situation, but she said “jealousy” and if there ARE specific things he has done or said, I want those details. WFS, LW, we need direct quotes.
katie November 26, 2013, 9:31 am
well if he is enough of messed up, maybe it is just the fact that attention isnt on him 100% and they dont get to do what he wants to do 100% of the time (because you gotta walk the dog, ect)
i dunno either. this is very very weird.
bagge72 November 26, 2013, 9:28 am
I would say I would say I wanted a kid too if she was hot enough, and I could see her thong through her pants.
Addie Pray November 26, 2013, 9:29 am
I don’t understand how/why thongs are a turn on. You know it’s material shoved up her butt that probably has traces of poo on it?
bagge72 November 26, 2013, 9:33 am
PGP- Pretty Girl Poop. It’s a turn on to see a girls thong through her pants, because then I get to map out the rest of her bum, and get a good picture of it in my head.
csp November 26, 2013, 9:33 am
I can think of three things that would make me jealous of a person’s dog. This happened with a friend of mine when she got her dog. 1.) your whole life surrounds the dog’s bathroom schedule. So you can’t stay out or be spontaneous because you have to get back to the dog. 2.) You don’t snuggle with your SO anymore on the couch because you snuggle with the pet. 3.) you let the pet sleep in bed with you.
katie November 26, 2013, 9:37 am
um yesterday for like 5 minutes i was on the couch snuggling with jake and BOTH of my cats.
it was the best 5 minutes ive had in months.
muchachaenlaventana November 26, 2013, 10:06 am
i love when i am snuggling with my guy at his place and his very very timid and picky cat comes over and snuggles with us (she loves me). it makes me feel like i won the lottery because she typically HATES snuggling/cuddling/showing affection.
katie November 26, 2013, 10:08 am
thats exactly how my house is too! my cat zoe has the same “issues”, and so its always a surprise and a treat and like i won life when she comes and sits with me. also, i get jealous of jake if she sits with him, haha.
Fabelle November 26, 2013, 10:36 am
God all of my cats like my boyfriend better, like all of them. The one we took in from outside is the shyest thing ever, but he lets my boyfriend pet him & halfway pick him up (he only lets me/my mom pet him in certain areas of the house) & my other cat climbs up on his lap every time he kneels down. And my other cat loves him, but she loves me too, so it’s okay. But she starts purring as soon as he’s, like, even in the room.
Dear Wendy: I’m jealous of my boyfriend because my cats like him better
muchachaenlaventana November 26, 2013, 10:43 am
ha this is just how cats trick us, like I am a sucker for “cat dogs” aka cats that act like dogs, but his kitty is just so endearing and makes you really work for her attention (aka act completely disinterested until she gets intrigued) its actually sad how much he wants her to snuggle and love him and she just won’t, ha sad but hilarious.
Fabelle November 26, 2013, 9:45 am
I think those things just point to general incompatibilities, though— some people aren’t pet people, & yeah, will be annoyed by things like this. OR some people could be pet people that place animals on a lower rung than people. And ~then~ there are those who are Pet People (capitalized, haha) who place animals on the same rung as their human loved ones, & let them in bed, etc. You need to be on the same page. Like, my bf & I let the cats in our bedroom, cuddle with them, etc. but we know when it’s time to be like, “okay, bye kitty!” & let them out. (He does feed his one cat at the table though, which I dunno, I may need to have a talk with him about that before we go the route of living together + owning our own cats, ha)
But anyway, back to the letter— I don’t know if this sounds as simple as a pet incompatibility, if the dude’s making negative comments? just sounds like he hates her dog. Although, I’m only speculating since there aren’t any quotes…
edited to add— I mean, his one cat does love being fed at the table & she’s old, so I’d never tell him to stop doing that (although sometimes I’m like, “okay, can YOU please eat now? I’m already done with my first plate”)
csp November 26, 2013, 11:10 am
It might be incompatibility. It also might be that she isn’t realizing that he feels neglected. If he drives an hour to see her then they watch a movie and she is on a different couch with the dog. I could see getting annoyed. It could also be, that he feels like she bends over backwards for the dog and she is neglectful of him. I know when I got a smartphone for the first time, my husband got jealous. He said, “remember when we used to cuddle, before candy crush.”
Lindsay November 26, 2013, 9:50 am
I feel like that’s less about jealousy and just about not sharing the same values/finding them annoying or being neglected as a partner. I can see jealousy from #3, but it really just boils down to how they are treating YOU, regardless of how they’re treating a pet.
csp November 26, 2013, 11:15 am
but that is what I am saying. She might not be treating him well. She hates his town, barely makes an effort to see him, and has a relationship with the dog that makes this guy jealous. It sounds like this guy is doing most of the heavy lifting in this relationship.
muchachaenlaventana November 26, 2013, 10:15 am
Idk to me that’s not jealousy though, maybe just sometime annoyance at the situation? Like I can never/rarely spontaneously spend the night with my sig. other because I have a dog now (when we dated before I did not) and sometimes I think he gets frustrated, but he understands why I can’t and if I have a little prior notice and my roommates are around I can work it out. I mean he is willing to work with it and if he weren’t or stops being willing to accept me and my dog then this would be a pretty big red flag to me. So I think to what Fabelle said maybe just a sign of general incompatibility vs actual jealousy. My roommate is like the least dog person ever, and her boyfriend has a dog and the change in her has been pretty huge. Like she isn’t a dog person but she loves his dog and knows how important that is to him. also to #2 and #3 I think dogs should not be allowed in either place, but could again see annoyance at this and to me it would be weird if I would rather snuggle my dog than my boyfriend and I really love my dog. Like my boyfriend snuggling leads to sex? sooo yeah sorry but pup comes in 2nd to that.
csp November 26, 2013, 12:51 pm
I think that is splitting hairs. If you have someone who will drop everything to care for their dog, but can’t be bothered to go to his house because you don’t like his house, there are clear priorities there. I love dogs, but I believe dogs are dogs and people are people. I have a friend who used to carefully mix wet and dry dog food every meal for her pet then stick a frozen meal in the microwave for her husband. I think the effort should be put in the relationship with your spouse, not your pet. Now, I am not sure the LW is doing this. But I see people put more love on a pet because it feels safer and ignore the human partner in their life.
rachel November 26, 2013, 1:01 pm
Um, feeding an animal that can’t fend for itself is much different than cooking for your husband.
jlyfsh November 26, 2013, 1:05 pm
yeah i have to say i agree! i mean your husband can actually go and cook for himself. dogs have no thumbs nor the foresight to open a can and measure dry food. which i mean there is a reason you measure, they have to have a certain amount of food to survive but too much and they’ll get sick.
iwannatalktosampson November 26, 2013, 1:05 pm
Ummmm so what exactly are you proposing? Someone get a dog and then be gone all night so you two can get wasted together? They can’t be spontaneous anymore WAHHH. Welcome to adulthood.
csp November 26, 2013, 1:49 pm
I’m not proposing animal cruelty. I am saying that if you have these priorities, you need to find other ways to show the partner in your life that you love them. I think if one way I show my husband I love him by cooking for him, then it should be way more elaborate than what I do for the dog.
rachel November 26, 2013, 1:55 pm
Well, clearly your friend with the microwave dinners doesn’t show her love with cooking. I don’t really get your example. The LW specifically said she makes sure to specifically cuddle with/pay attention to her boyfriend when he is there.
csp November 26, 2013, 2:11 pm
Look, this guy might be crazy. But if I was jealous of a dog, it would mean that I felt the dog was getting something from someone I love that I am not getting. That is the definition of being jealous.
rachel November 26, 2013, 2:20 pm
Well, if he’s jealous because she does things for the dog like feeding it and buying it a coat for the winter, yes, he is crazy, and I don’t know how exactly he thinks having kids will go for him.
jlyfsh November 26, 2013, 2:27 pm
yeah being jealous of doing things that are necessary (like walking, feeding, etc) is just odd. i mean if you know someone has a dog you have to know they do those things. and yes, they take time. but, you also can’t not do those things. and also i mean if you get involved with someone with a pet, wouldn’t you kind of assume they wanted to do certain things. like i enjoy going to the dog park and if i were to date again, i would want to date someone who wanted to go to the dog park. and if you’re jealous of that, then we’re just not a good match. and you should probably move on.
GatorGirl November 26, 2013, 1:15 pm
Um, what? Sure, a “dog is a dog and people are people” but part of being a responsible pet owner is providing food, shelter, exercise, etc etc etc…like you have a legal and moral obligation to do those things. Husband can cook his own tv dinner.
katie November 26, 2013, 1:28 pm
just for the sake of clarity, mixing wet and dry dog food together and microwaving a tv dinner are the same. apples and apples. both are already processed, ready to eat foods that need very minimal, one step, end-user preparation.
csp November 26, 2013, 1:43 pm
my argument is that you should show more love to the human partner in your life. You are responsible for the well being of your pet but also the well being of your spouse.
jlyfsh November 26, 2013, 1:47 pm
well your example you used then was a bad one. because, you HAVE to feed your pet. if you don’t it won’t eat. now if you feed your pet steak and talk to it all night while your husband has to eat day old pizza and watch tv alone, you might have a problem. but, feeding both your pet and popping a meal in the microwave for your husband is not the same thing as the first.
katie November 26, 2013, 1:49 pm
sometimes jake (jokingly) says that i love the cats more then him, because i do show them specific affection or i run to hug them when i get home from travelling, and i always tell him that my cats cant talk to me (as much as i try talk to them and expect them to get it). jake and i can talk on the phone, we talked the whole car ride home, ect… and my cats get radio silence when im away- and ive even tried to make jake facetime the cats with me. they dont get it, i dont think. but anyway its completely different. cats are not people. im not going to have the same relationship with either. and to show my cats that i love them i have to do specific things, just like with my SO. THAT is an apples and oranges comparison that isnt fair to make. there is enough love to go around, i promise.
rachel November 26, 2013, 1:52 pm
I love the image of Jake trying to wrangle the cats for a facetime conversation.
katie November 26, 2013, 1:55 pm
i was so excited about it, too. freaking sad day.
lets_be_honest November 26, 2013, 3:15 pm
My stepmom leaves messages on the answering machine for her cat when she’s away.
katie November 26, 2013, 3:44 pm
haha, ok, see, i am totally a crazy cat lady, but i am at least self aware enough to understand that doesnt work. can i get some recognition for that please?
rachel November 26, 2013, 1:03 pm
Yeah, often times you CAN’T be spontaneous when you have a dog. Because the dog is a living creature and needs to do crazy things like eat and go to the bathroom. That’s a responsibility you take on when you adopt a pet.
iwannatalktosampson November 26, 2013, 1:07 pm
What a dick right? Has to pee and eat. Sooo annoying.
jlyfsh November 26, 2013, 1:08 pm
i’m just going to keep agreeing with you, but yeah you can’t be spontaneous. because, what you’re just going to NOT go home after work and let your dog out and what hope it’s bladder does’t burst or it doesn’t poop all over the house?
i hope people that think that way never get a pet. because, it makes me so sad to think of them. those people probably also yell at the pet when they’re left for too long and go to the bathroom in the house. ah, it makes me so mad!
iwannatalktosampson November 26, 2013, 1:10 pm
It blows my mind that people like that exist. I just don’t get it. I don’t get it. I hope they also do the world a favor and don’t reproduce.
muchachaenlaventana November 26, 2013, 1:42 pm
sadly this seems to be a really large portion of pet-owning population. pets are HUGE responsibility and do take a lot of the spontaneity out of day-to-day life but it was a sacrifice i was more than willing to make (which i honestly don’t think people consider AT ALL-like all of the ads on craigslist giving up their dogs bc “they don’t have the time” or “did’t realize they would be so much work”) . also I think there is something to what CSP is saying, like if you treat your animal better than your spouse or significant other it could probably be an issue but imo giving wet food from a can and mixing it with dry food is actually easier than microwaving something. but again to each his own, honestly my dog will probably be around a lot longer than most relationships i will get into so she is worth the long-term investment. until i am married or engaged she will be probably my #1 priority in life because um her life depends on me and i chose to take on that responsibility. i would never choose a random guy i had been dating a few months over my relationship with her. i don’t really care if this makes me sound like a cooky obsessed dog lady, its true.
LdyB November 26, 2013, 1:55 pm
Yes. Makes me wonder whether this gal is guilty of some of these items and not self-aware enough to realize it. I’ve dated two men who were guilty of all of the above, and while I wasn’t “jealous” of their dogs, I was jealous for their attention.
LW November 26, 2013, 12:34 pm
LW here – to answer your question, I think he is jealous because he actually says he is jealous of her – jealous of the affection/attention I give her.
Due to her size and the fact that she’s already lost most of her teeth (darn small dogs with their small mouths) I make sure she is well taken care of and if I have a choice, I prefer to be with her than not with her in general because I work a lot and she is by herself for long stretches of time during the week, but she CERTAINLY doesn’t keep us from going out and doing things that he wants to do on weekends (things are his interests and not mine – but that I participate in because he wants me to), and I prioritize him with regards to snuggling, etc (not sitting somewhere else with her while he is on another couch or anything). When we are watching TV or something, we all usually snuggle together and I make sure she doesn’t get in the way of our being physically close.
It’s interesting because while ex-boyfriends have maybe not ~loved~ her as much as I do, they see how important she is to me and have accepted us as a two-for-one deal. I’m pretty sure it is more of a maturity issue than anything else, and it’s manifesting itself in this way.
katie November 26, 2013, 1:08 pm
wtf is he going to do when you and him (hypothetically) have a child?
like i said, that is terrifying.
iwannatalktosampson November 26, 2013, 1:11 pm
SO terrifying. I just picture a big man baby crying because he can’t be out late at night because the stupid kid has a bedtime.
LW November 26, 2013, 1:18 pm
Yeah…that is kind of why I wrote to Wendy. I wanted to make sure it’s not just me making too big a deal of some of these issues.
muchachaenlaventana November 26, 2013, 1:43 pm
csp November 26, 2013, 9:24 am
So does your Boyfriend need more hugs? That is all I can think of. I think he needs more snuggle time.
bethany November 26, 2013, 9:25 am
MOA. It’s only been 3 months and he’s jealous of your dog? Come on. That’s a HUGE red flag. I could see if you were ignoring him when he comes over, and giving all your attention to the dog, but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case at all. Imagine how this man react to a newborn child who needs almost all of your attention for it’s first few months?
katie November 26, 2013, 9:26 am
i cant wait to see what sampson thinks of this!!
honestly, this would be a huge huge huge red flag to me. how can you be jealous/dislike a dog? unless your dog repeatedly tries to harm him, i dont see it. part of becoming a long term partner is being accepting and supportive of the other partners interests and passions, and i would put a dog in there for pet lovers. he actively resents something that you love and care for, and actually communicates that to you. thats ridiculous. it might be one thing if it was something that impacted you, like a cocaine habit or mcdonalds obsession or something, but again, we are talking about a dog.
jake doesnt like cats, but he cares about my/our cats, feeds them and plays with them, takes them to the vet, ect. he calls them names sometimes or stupid stuff like that, but ….. nothing like this. this is crazypants.
lemongrass November 26, 2013, 9:30 am
Always pay attention to how people treat people/animals that they have some power over: waitstaff, cashiers, children and pets.
GatorGirl November 26, 2013, 9:48 am
So you’re dating a man-child eh? MOA.
Lindsay November 26, 2013, 9:49 am
Three months is not long enough to be putting up with this. In reality, no time is. But this point in the relationship is about learning IF he’s a person you want to be with. A lot of people think that once you decide to date or find mutual interest that you’ve “chosen” them, but being exclusive doesn’t change the fact that you’re learning things about him and most of them seem very negative.
So, move on and find someone who isn’t jealous of your dog and whom is actually a pleasant person.
muchachaenlaventana November 26, 2013, 9:52 am
Totally agree with @ lemongrass.
Yeah I don’t even have to know what your “bigger issue is” because I have a dog and honestly if someone was jealous of my dog (in a real way) I would not think twice about dumping him. He is jealous of a DOG and you are thinking about having children with him? C’mon man! My dog is really timid and takes awhile to trust so when the guy I am dating comes over sometimes she is really nervous and barks and runs away but other times loves him, so yeah she is difficult, but he will spend an hour with her on the floor trying to get her to love him because he knows how important she is to me and always asks to hold her leash when we are out, and even offered to take care of her when I was stressed about what to do with her this weekend when I was taking a day trip. Not to brag about him but honestly having a dog and being single helps me separate the wheat from the chaff so to speak. He was anxious about me getting a dog because he knew it would impact our time together and my time/affections period but in the end was really happy I did because she makes me so happy. Your dog is a huge part of your life, why would you ever contemplate making someone a permanent fixture in it who doesn’t get that.I don’t think that after 3 months the jealousy of your dog is symptomatic of anything except maybe some possessive issues coming to the fore. This is who he is, don’t ignore that. Three months is nothing, if this is cropping up this soon its a huge huge huge red flag. MOA.
starpattern November 26, 2013, 10:17 am
“I have a small 5-year-old dog whom I’ve raised from a puppy; she’s basically like my child.”
So, I agree with the general consensus that your boyfriend is a big man-baby and you should MOA. But I also think the fact that you compared your dog to a child is probably indicative of the way you treat it, and some people might think that’s weird/annoying/creepy. Like, I truly enjoy my dog, but my dog doesn’t sit on the furniture or sleep in the bed or eat food from the table, and I personally don’t think I could date someone who let their dogs do these things – and I don’t think that’s unreasonable. So maybe that’s where your boyfriend is coming from. That doesn’t give him a pass on being an asshole about it, but it might be something to consider or be aware of the next time around. If you’re super into the Pet as Child school of thought, you probably need to date someone who is also like that.
muchachaenlaventana November 26, 2013, 10:48 am
yeah I agree with this. I love my dog to pieces but no bed or couch or table-food for her. She is a dog and treated with love but as a dog. If I were dating someone who did treat their dog like a child, it would actually probably be a big red-flag for me in the opposite direction. Gah I never considered all of this that goes into having a dog and dating! Although I would have felt this way prior to having a dog too.
BriarRose November 26, 2013, 11:24 am
Definitely agree with this. While the BF seems to have issues in general and doesn’t seem worth all the grief, the LW might need to make sure in the future she dates people who are as into dogs as she is. I have a dog and really do love her, but she sleeps downstairs and I would never consider her my child, etc. As much as I love dogs, I don’t think I’d be compatible with someone who was super into their dog.
rachel November 26, 2013, 11:43 am
It’s weird to me that you guys are grouping those two things together. Table scraps can be actually bad for dogs, while dogs on the furniture is just a preference.
Anyway, I’m glad my fiance is okay with animals on the furniture, because it just seems sad to me to not be able to snuggle with them. I don’t think that means I’m treating them like my children.
muchachaenlaventana November 26, 2013, 11:49 am
I think it just depends on your view. I will sometimes allow my dog scraps but never from the table, only food that is okay for her, and put into her dish after I eat. IMO if you let a dog all over furniture and beds it can lead to boundary issues but again you are correct its all a preference or how people choose to raise/train their dogs-no value judgement intended not trying to start doggy wars.
BriarRose November 26, 2013, 11:53 am
Pets on furniture is definitely a preference, and if that’s what the owners want, that is totally fine! I’m actually allergic to dogs and with daily medication and keeping my room and furniture as free of hair/dander as possible, I do ok with having Moxie around. So yeah, for me, I couldn’t date someone who let their pet sleep in their bed, both from a breathing standpoint, and a personal preference standpoint.
muchachaenlaventana November 26, 2013, 12:03 pm
yeah I relented and pulled my dog on the couch to cuddle once last week (her first time ever on the couch) and now every time I turn around she is on the damn couch. so unfortunately although I would love to snuggle her on there i know realize i can’t because that one time and she thinks its okay now. I just don’t want to deal with dog hair all over that since it is on pretty much everything I own, and I think its rude to my roommates (one of whom owns the couch) -I also travel with her a lot so if we are places where people don’t like animals on the furniture it will be hard to correct that every second. so yeah not a big deal but again if you are dating someone who is fine with this and you aren’t i could see it being an issue.
katie November 26, 2013, 11:52 am
It blows my mind that people think table scraps are ok for animals. Blow my mind.
muchachaenlaventana November 26, 2013, 12:06 pm
some are though. i give my dog my leftover eggs when I don’t finish. same with things like spinach and green beans. my parents used to give the dogs the bones from cuts of meat that were appropriate for them. its a really rare occasion that i do and more times than not i have to stop my friends from giving her whatever they are eating but so far in over 20 years of dog owning-table scraps that were fed have never resulted in anything negative happening to various dogs my family has owned.
katie November 26, 2013, 12:10 pm
well in my mind, table scraps are things that were prepared for people to eat, and are therefore salted, spiced, cooked with onions, ect.
feeding a dog things that people eat too is fine. but i would never feed my animals something that was prepared for me to eat, because my food is all salted, spiced, has onions and stuff in it, ect
lets_be_honest November 26, 2013, 3:17 pm
My dog loves chocolate.
starpattern November 26, 2013, 12:12 pm
Yes, oh my god one time someone just set a bowl of half eaten ice cream on the floor for my dog and I was like WHAT ARE YOU DOING NO. Haha. I guess it was a nice gesture but ehhh.
starpattern November 26, 2013, 12:09 pm
I agree that table scraps can be bad for dogs, but plain turkey and some other things are fine and I do give them to him as a treat after a meal (in his bowl, at his regular food time).
In my mind, the whole thing ties together into not having a “rude” dog – and it’s totally a personal preference thing, I get that. I’m not saying I think dogs on furniture mean people have weird boundaries with their pets, just that I don’t want my pet(s) to be that way. Part of it in my case is that my dog is tall, and weighs 80 pounds, so there is no snuggling, there is just him sitting on you and digging his sharp knees into your legs, haha. I especially don’t want him jumping up to sit on people who are visiting and may not be fully on board with that. Similarly, I don’t want to feed him good things off the table because I don’t want him to learn to hang around the table leering at people while they try to eat.
rachel November 26, 2013, 12:20 pm
Haha, well, my dog is a rude dog, but that’s more about me not being great at training him and him being a stubborn ass. I just saw your comment as having those things following “my dog is like my child” kind of a sentiment, which was why I chose to reply to this thread. I get your point though.
starpattern November 26, 2013, 12:31 pm
I guess I am just lacking good examples to describe the kind of Pet as Child person I’m thinking of. The extreme version is the person who actually treats their dog like a human, feeding it the same food they eat off the same fork they’re using, etc etc. I doubt the LW is THAT person, but it sounded like she falls farther up the spectrum than I do.
katie November 26, 2013, 12:37 pm
i saw a lady on my cat from hell who took her dogs on walks in a covered stroller. (ps its not a walk if they arent walking…). she was afraid of them getting dirt on their feet. and she carried them everywhere in the house, because the cat would play-attack them, thats why they were on my cat from hell.
she was crazy. her dogs werent ever allowed to be dogs. that is a weird kind of abuse in its own way….
rachel November 26, 2013, 12:38 pm
There is a woman I see around town that “walks” her dog in a stroller!
iwannatalktosampson November 26, 2013, 12:44 pm
Oh man people do that around wash park all the time. It cracks me up.
CatsMeow November 26, 2013, 1:12 pm
I totally want to take my cats for walks in strollers. They have leashes, but they don’t do so well on those.
katie November 26, 2013, 1:24 pm
i wish i would have leash trained my cats when they were smaller. leo would have maybe been too old when i got him, but still. that would have been so epic!
CatsMeow November 26, 2013, 2:05 pm
My fat cat just rolls around on the ground, and the other one can wrangle out of it!
starpattern November 26, 2013, 12:43 pm
Wow! I have at least never seen a dog in a stroller. Hahaha.
katie November 26, 2013, 12:46 pm
i hope you never do! no dog should be in a stroller! who even thinks that is a good idea?? lol *amended maybe for elderly dogs who cant walk very well anymore.
jackson went all nuts on her though and called up a friend of his who is a small dog expert, and the small dog expert basically told the lady she had emotional issues and she was ruining her dogs and they werent happy.
rachel November 26, 2013, 12:51 pm
Yeah, there is an older guy in my neighborhood who takes one of his pugs in a wagon, I assume because it’s an older dog, and I think that’s pretty cute. Then he can “walk” with his brother.
starpattern November 26, 2013, 1:17 pm
Yeah, even I can admit the old dog in the wagon thing is cute! Strollers are pretty extreme though. Maybe I need to watch more my cat from hell, it sounds hilarious!
GatorGirl November 26, 2013, 12:46 pm
This lady who comes into Kohls all the time brings a dog in a stroller. She talks to it, and shows the dog all of her purchases etc. One time I even saw someone with a dog in a baby carrier.
starpattern November 26, 2013, 1:27 pm
I am not sure if I could keep a straight face if I saw a dog in a baby carrier. I mean what is that?
rachel November 26, 2013, 12:39 pm
Yeah, I mean I guess it just amounts to, if she is farther up the scale than HE is, they will just annoy each other.
starpattern November 26, 2013, 12:42 pm
Yeah, that’s what I’m thinking.
muchachaenlaventana November 26, 2013, 12:49 pm
I have seen people walk dogs on strollers and I thought it was so weird but then I asked someone why he was doing it and it was because his dog was elderly and couldn’t walk well and he still wanted it to get fresh air, and I thought it was so sweet. And then there was this crazy lady where I went to college who did it because she was a loon, so it can go either way.
LW November 26, 2013, 1:00 pm
LW here – I read down the thread and thought I should clarify: I say she is like my child because I’m solely responsible for her life and her care; she can’t take care of or fend for herself. She does snuggle with me on the furniture and she does sleep on the bed with me (at the foot of the bed) but she does not hinder my boyfriend from snuggling or sleeping any of these places with me. She is very loving and affectionate to him, as she is with everyone.
She does NOT get many table scraps (they’re bad for dogs!) and I certainly don’t feed her off my fork or put her in a stroller or anything. I tend to do things because they will help her (for example, I bought a dog coat for her to wear in the winter because she’s tiny and would come inside shivering and shaking from being cold) rather than getting a thousand cutesy outfits.
I don’t treat her like a person because she isn’t one, but I do take good care of her as a pet owner. If I do give her people food, it’s cheese or something ok for dogs in her own bowl by her food so she knows the difference between begging at the table (not allowed) or being given a treat (allowed on occasion).
Just wanted to clarify that while yes, I do prioritize her and treat her very well – she has a very loving home and is well cared for – I am not over the top with it. I guess it all does depend on one’s own spectrum for these things.
starpattern November 26, 2013, 1:19 pm
Hey LW, thanks for responding. You sound like a reasonable, non-nutty dog owner 🙂 Especially with your clarifications, yeah, your boyfriend sounds like he’s just being a dick about it. Best of luck and if you decide to move on, I very much hope your next fella loves your dog as much as you do!
LW November 26, 2013, 1:39 pm
Thank you! That is very sweet. 🙂
TECH November 26, 2013, 10:26 am
“investing in someone’s potential is better left for employers”
I chuckled at that! So true!!!!
AliceInDairyland November 26, 2013, 10:26 am
Oh man, I have so many things to say about this. SO many things. So at a conference I went to we learned about “Circles of intimacy”: But basically, you have different levels of where you view different people. But what’s interesting, is how animals have moved from basically the outside of the circle all the way up to the closest of circles. And some people put their pets in the very same circle they put their human family. This has happened pretty rapidly and is not the case everywhere, and it’s made veterinary medicine change really rapidly with changes in these relationships.
ANYWAYS, people put animals in different rankings on the circle of intimacy. And you either need to find someone who agrees with where you put them and puts them there as well, or doesn’t agree but doesn’t care where you put them. I am straight up obsessed with my cats. I can’t even deny it, and I don’t want them to be but they are in my most intimate circle. Benjamin knows that, and I think that they are like 2nd/3rd tier in his circle. But he respects my relationship that I have with them. He lets them sleep on the foot of the bed while we sleep, and he cuddles them probably more than I do. He helps me put their sweaters on when I want to take Christmas photos of them (bahahaha). Because it’s important to me. Just like how I help him weed his stupid parsnip because it is important to him.
Fabelle November 26, 2013, 10:39 am
The circles of intimacy thing is super interesting. I feel like there’s a disparity between the way my bf & I view friendships— like, he’s the kind of person who’ll go to the wake of a friend’s family member, even if he hasn’t seen/talked to that friend in forever. But I have like 4, 5 friends that I’d do that for (even if I haven’t seen them or talked to them in a while) & that’s it.
AliceInDairyland November 26, 2013, 10:56 am
…but would you go to your friend’s cat’s wake? 😉
Skyblossom November 26, 2013, 12:12 pm
I was just thinking about how pets were never an issue when I was dating 26+ years ago. In general, there weren’t so many dogs, most college age students who had a pet had a cat because you could leave a cat for the day or a weekend with food, water and a litter box. Dogs were more of an outdoor pet that might sleep inside overnight but you would never try to keep them inside all day and people would have considered you cruel to put them in a crate for the day. Nobody bought their pet a Christmas present or took Santa pictures with a pet or ever said they were like a child. It is a drastic difference. A pet was a pet and people were people. I’ve seen this change and it’s been surprisingly fast. I’m not saying it’s good or bad, just different. I think it reflects how people are waiting longer to get married, which is good, and they are more lonely and need a companion. I personally had a cat and it slept on my bed and sat on the furniture and curled up with me when I slept and she would purr and I loved it but I never considered her to be anything like a child.
AliceInDairyland November 26, 2013, 3:35 pm
Yep Skyblossom, that’s why I have 2 cats and zero dogs right now.
LW November 26, 2013, 12:39 pm
This is really interesting to me! I’m beginning to see that there are Pet People (like someone else said and which I am!) and then varying degrees of them. The interesting thing is that my boyfriend actually wants (or thinks he wants) a(nother) dog but he wants to choose it. I’m not sure he realizes the level of responsibility and care that a pet needs.
My dog is in my most intimate circle because I am solely responsible for her life. That’s why I say she is like my child and yes, I love her very much. She’s always been there for me. She’s not *more* important than my family or friends or my boyfriend, but no one else is solely responsible for her life and she’s 5lbs – she can’t fend for herself.
Aaaand I have a Christmas collar for her too (it’s actually a cat collar)! It’s almost time for Christmas pictures in our house too.
AliceInDairyland November 26, 2013, 3:34 pm
LW! I’m so happy you responded. Based on my long years of working in veterinary clinics, you just sound like a compassionate, intelligent pet owner. So kudos, and find someone who (at best) puts her in their circle or (at least) just smiles bemusedly when you put on that Christmas collar. They are out there.
If I can find a guy who will let me bring own 4 miniature pigs and 3 random goats, you can FOR SURE find a guy who will be happy sharing his life with you and an adorable little 5lb dog.
LW November 26, 2013, 4:01 pm
Thank you! I’m glad to hear that and I really appreciate the encouragement. He says he will “put up with her” for right now and “liking her will come later”… he does try to pet her and play with her, but like I said, I think it’s deeper than just her. I’m hoping she will win him over no matter what happens with us in the long run – she usually wins everyone over with her tiny adorableness. 🙂
TECH November 26, 2013, 10:30 am
I think disliking the pet of the person you’re dating is kind of a big deal. It’s similar to disliking their child. The pet will be around every day for years — it’s a big part of daily life. I briefly dated a guy and I’ll never tell him this — but I hated his dog. The dog was so irritating. He would jump on me constantly and bark at me, even after I’d given him a ton of attention. Dogs have personalities like humans — and this dog was extremely high strung and uptight. He was no fun to hang out with.
So I wonder if it’s not so much that the boyfriend is “jealous” of the dog — because that’s a little weird. But more that he’s irritated by the dog. Pet owners have a way of viewing their pets as the most precious, cute things, while outsiders can view them as a pain in the ass.
AliceInDairyland November 26, 2013, 10:34 am
I have met so many dogs and cats that I have disliked. Bahahaha.
painted_lady November 26, 2013, 10:46 am
Yeah. I know a lot of people on here find comparing pets even remotely to kids very annoying, but there’s a similarity there in that most pet owners aren’t annoyed by their own animals and others are, much like with kids.
I dated a guy whose cat seriously annoyed me. I couldn’t stand him or the way the boyfriend-at-the-time treated him. The cat would decide sometime between 4:30 and 5:30 EVERY MORNING that he wanted to eat and would sit on the windowsill and run his paw down the closed metal blinds in the bedroom. And to get him to stop….my ex would feed him. And be angry about it. He had a spray bottle he would occasionally *shake* at the cat, and I was like, um, maybe actually use it? I know I probably should have just excused myself because I was never going to like that damn cat, but I kept thinking eventually my ex would figure out if he wanted the cat to quit waking him up to be fed, he should quit feeding the cat when the cat woke him up.
muchachaenlaventana November 26, 2013, 10:51 am
you guys this has me worried because my dog is so timid and won’t love my boyfriend. and he tries so hard. and shes recently started barking at him when she sees him (she really doesn’t bark at anyone) and I am worried hes just going to get fed up and be like peace this dog is cray. shes SO great but it takes her a good 3 months to start trusting people.
bagge72 November 26, 2013, 11:10 am
I actually have two friends that this happenend too, and it got worse when they moved in, but they actually got a dog therapist to come to the house, and they said it worked really well.
muchachaenlaventana November 26, 2013, 11:33 am
see i was hoping if i ever moved in with someone she would adapt and love them too, but this has me worried.
Copa November 26, 2013, 11:17 am
i’ve never had a dog, BUT if i had a dog that liked everone BUT one person (boyfriend or not), i might actually trust my dog’s instincts. is that weird? i don’t know.
muchachaenlaventana November 26, 2013, 11:31 am
yes-I agree with this. But my dog is vastly unreliable and I am the only person she consistently likes. She typically loves my guy but will forget him when she first sees him, and then gets used to him again. She actually likes him more than pretty much anyone else. It can actually be pretty stressful having a relatively scared/unfriendly dog because people want dogs to be so outgoing and loving, and she is just she has to know you really love. She still hates one of my roommates she has been living with 6 months and just recently started to love the other one.
painted_lady November 26, 2013, 12:23 pm
My dog can be a little skittish, and people look at me like I’ve done something wrong. It’s like, dude, sometimes he just has a bad day. Once he loves someone, he loves them forever, but some people he just wants nothing to do with. It’s dogs sometimes, no matter how we expect them to be these perfect little love-fur balls.
muchachaenlaventana November 26, 2013, 12:51 pm
yeah mine is a rescue too and whatever happened to her in the first five or so months of her life has genuinely fucked her up pretty bad. which is incredibly sad because how can anyone hurt a beautiful adorable little ball of love (aka a puppy)
Ammie November 26, 2013, 7:05 pm
My cat used to try that with me. A quick Google search yielded the insight that cats wake an hour before they’re fed due to hunting instincts… they figure they’re going to need an hour to get their food, so they naturally wake up then. I immediately changed my habits, feeding her just before I left for work in the morning instead of right when I woke up, and sure enough, she started waking up around the same time I did to adjust. It was amazing.
Kelly L. November 26, 2013, 11:08 am
Especially in a long-distance relationship, I could see saying something like this in jest; I was in an LDR (now a SDR) for several years and I probably did occasionally joke that I was “jealous” of his dog because she was snuggling with him when I couldn’t be there, but I love the dog and boyfriend knows it.
But that’s not what he’s doing here. He’s making the comments repeatedly and in seriousness. This is the ramp-up to him trying to get you to get rid of the dog when you move closer together, I think. DTMFA.
Copa November 26, 2013, 11:15 am
So, one of my friends recently broke up with her boyfriend. They were LDR and the last weekend they were together (the weekend she ended it), she texted me the comments he made making fun of her dog. At that point in time I knew she was intent on ending it (had been talking about it for months but hadn’t pulled the trigger) and her ex’s remarks about her dog were what finally caused me to blurt (if blurting via text is possible), “That’d be an automatic dealbreaker for me.”
landygirl November 26, 2013, 11:15 am
If a guy didn’t like my dog he’d be out the door. That would be akin to dating someone that didn’t like your child or your mother.
iwannatalktosampson November 26, 2013, 12:14 pm
I just can’t even. Who doesn’t like dogs? There whole objective everyday is to give and receive love. Sociopaths normally hate animals before they kill people, just saying.
TECH November 26, 2013, 12:20 pm
But don’t you agree that some dogs can have bad personalities?
iwannatalktosampson November 26, 2013, 12:27 pm
Yeah so can some people but for some reason we find it inhumane to banish them from the earth. Frankly I have never met a dog who is evil without reason. Some of them are abused and therefore act out. Some of them don’t receive enough exercise or attention everyday, and therefore have behavioral issues, I get that. But again, that’s due to shitty pet owners. Listen dogs are a HUGE responsibility. Nothing grinds my gears more than hearing about people who go to work all day and then go out all night. Fuckers. Don’t get a dog if you don’t want to take care of it. But pure, unprovoked evil is a human trait. And fuck people. I would rather hang out my dog everyday for the rest of my life than pretty much every person I know. Dogs don’t have mean bones. They can act out when they’re not treated right, but at their core all they want to do is love and be loved.
katie November 26, 2013, 12:31 pm
yep. after having zoe and seeing what she went through, which was all my fault, and then now seeing animals in the shelter i volunteer at, i dont actually think that animals are just assholes. they are MADE into assholes. and that is our fault.
TECH November 26, 2013, 12:32 pm
Oh no, I didn’t mean to insinuate that some dogs are evil. And the ones that act out, yes, that’s sure due to bad pet owners. All I’m saying is it’s possible that the LW’s dog is irritating as all get out. And maybe there’s a reason why the boyfriend doesn’t like the dog.
Just like people, dogs have problems, usually based on their environment and how they’re raised.
iwannatalktosampson November 26, 2013, 12:34 pm
And all I’m saying, is fuck the boyfriend. She can replace him, she can’t just replace her dog. (Well she could – but again, fuck people that think pets are replaceable)
muchachaenlaventana November 26, 2013, 12:37 pm
Could NOT agree with this more!!! and most of the time an annoying dog and its behavioral issues, are due to shitty pet owners vs just the dog being a dick. like my brothers little dog is a piece of shit, but its because she is so poorly trained, and in reality she is a sweet dog, just really hard to be around and super annoying to take care of because of her poor training. in any case I think even if you are with someone who has a really annoying animal, if you like the person enough it is sort of a non-issue? my roomates boyfriends dog has more or less destroyed our apartment (tore apart my blinds, chewed up my door (still hasn’t been fixed) chewed our steps, gets into the trash etc. he has really bad separation anxiety) and she is still super into her boyfriend so? also rant on this-its long distance but when he visits the weekend they will leave the dog all f’ing day. Like straight up one day from 9 am until 3 am the next morning. Luckily I was around to walk him/feed him etc. but they have done this on numerous occasions when I have not been there and this is why the dog destroys our apartment. I really WANT to call him out on it but it would get uncomfortable. UGH sorry rant.
iwannatalktosampson November 26, 2013, 12:41 pm
Um I would absolutely call him out on it. That’s animal abuse. Did he just pee in the house then? I get so mad thinking about people like this. I’m sure as you can see, this subject really fires me up. That is straight up abuse. I’m livid just thinking about it. I would call animal control next time it happens and you’re not there.
muchachaenlaventana November 26, 2013, 12:56 pm
Yes he does pee in the house and poop in it. I know I need to say something and have mentioned in to my roommate who is also my best friend to bring up to her boyfriend, but next time it happens I will do so more seriously. Last weekend we planned this all day event for her bday and were gone from 12 in the afternoon until 3 am (stopped home for like 10 minutes at 8 so he was fed and let out at least) and I had my dog go to doggie daycare then board overnight there because I knew I’d be gone and it wasn’t fair to just leave her cooped up all day. Anyways we came home and he had more or less gotten into everything, peed in my room, pooped in my roommates. Like it is pretty awful. I even provided him with the name of the another dog place he could take him (mine you have to be a regular at least 1x a month to board your dog there). Anyways yes it infuriates me and he just chalks it up to “separation anxiety” but I am like dude there is a reason your dog has separation anxiety. Luckily when it happens I am mostly around (which I think they count on to leave it knowing I will walk him and feed him) but I know some weekends I have not been there and this has been the case. Anyways not to get anyone’s ire up and I am resolved to say something next time, it is just really awkward.
iwannatalktosampson November 26, 2013, 1:01 pm
I’m sure that’s really awkward but you have to say something. And please tell me it’s them cleaning up the poop and pee? I hate him. I could never associate with someone who treated their animals like that. He has separation anxiety BECAUSE YOU’RE SEPARATED FROM HIM TOO MUCH dip shit. It must be weird dating someone who is so dumb. I hope that works out well for her in the long run.
muchachaenlaventana November 26, 2013, 1:34 pm
Yeah I will bring it up the next time it happens. I have definitely mentioned it to her and no they did not pick up the pee or poop. Yes it is really annoying and my roommate is not a dog person at all so for her it works out perfectly because she has a dog to snuggle with but doesn’t actually have to do any care and thinks this is normal. also he is a very know-it-all type of guy (lawyer, not saying you are all like that but he definitely is very lawyer-stereotypical) so when I have mentioned this in the past he just shoots it down or has some argument for it. I have rearranged plans on my weekends so that I can be around to watch his dog (as in not going hiking with my dog to stay home and watch them both because his dog couldn’t do the activity but i felt bad). Anyways I guess I will just frame it as “hey X I think that you should really incorporate doggie into your weekend plans more so he isn’t at home for 12 hours at a time, destroying our house, and having separation anxiety” I actually got really angry at my roommate after last weekend and sort of yelled at her about it but she would never mention that to her bf or stand up to him. UGH issues. ha sorry again for the rant-fest.
GatorGirl November 26, 2013, 12:34 pm
I also think there is a big difference in saying “I HATE all dogs.” and “I don’t like Fluffy because he constantly jumps on me.” Writing off an entire type of animal is really weird to me.
I’m a huge cat person, but I’ve still met a few cats that just sucked. Which was primarily due to their owners being idiots.
iwannatalktosampson November 26, 2013, 12:36 pm
That’s fine, you’re allowed to hate fluffy, and I am allowed to hate you in return. (you being the universal you). I’m just saying that if I were the LW, this would be a slam dunk case. I’m sure she’ll miss the boyfriend. I wouldn’t, but I know my priorities.
GatorGirl November 26, 2013, 12:40 pm
OH I agree. If GGuy had said he didn’t like my cat…game over. We’re a package deal (and the cat MIGHT be more important than you are…). I bottle feed that cat, he actually thinks I’m his mother.
sobriquet November 26, 2013, 1:33 pm
So I really, really disliked the golden retriever I used to live with. It wasn’t his fault- it was his owner’s fault for not training him- but he drove me fucking crazy. So I totally understand not liking a particular dog. I think it usually goes back to the owner. Like I’ve known owners that allowed their big dog to jump on me over and over again while just laughing like it’s the funniest thing that their dog just clawed my arm. Dog owners that invite people over and then don’t move their big dogs off the couch so there are places to sit. A little chihuahua peed on my fiance a few weekends ago because it was excited. And I say all of this loving dogs in general! I have been a dog owner before and I’ll be a dog owner again. I just think there are a lot of reasons not to like any given pet.
Hannah November 26, 2013, 1:55 pm
SO much this. Does it mostly go back to the owners? ABSOLUTELY. But it’s like there’s carte blanche everywhere to say “I hate cats,” but not to say “I hate dogs.” I let my dog-hating flag fly free. I hate dogs. I don’t want your dog, child, or any other member of your family to jump on me, hump my leg, pee on me, claw me, or otherwise harass me. If a grown person did the things dogs do, everyone would hate them/call them crazy.
iwannatalktosampson November 26, 2013, 1:59 pm
So you probably wouldn’t date someone with a dog right?
CatsMeow November 26, 2013, 2:14 pm
I totally hear you on the cat hate vs. dog hate.
GatorGirl November 26, 2013, 2:22 pm
You do know a lot of dogs, children, etc don’t behave like you describe, right?
sobriquet November 26, 2013, 3:48 pm
“I let my dog-hating flag fly free.” haha I’m just picturing the “special snowflake” dog owners out there reacting to your hatred.
iwannatalktosampson November 26, 2013, 2:00 pm
I actually thought of your shitty inlaws while reading this letter, haha. I stand by my comments on your complaints. Those two dipshits should have had their dog taken away by animal control.
jlyfsh November 26, 2013, 3:12 pm
There are a few dogs I’ve disliked but usually it’s because they’re scary – which has usually been the fault of the owner. I do have to say if I don’t like the dogs 99.99% of the time I also dislike the owner. I always feel bad for the dog because I have to think it would be different if raised in a different way!
Hannah November 26, 2013, 1:54 pm
I dislike dogs. I also dislike a lot of people, though. I’d never kill either 😉 I just don’t want to be forced to be around them (dogs, that is – I can tolerate most people ;-).
I’d therefore never date someone who had a dog (and have specifically made the choice in the past to NOT date people who are dog people, for both of our sakes). And “giving love” shouldn’t be conditional on things like “providing food” and “helping someone pee.”
iwannatalktosampson November 26, 2013, 2:00 pm
“And “giving love” shouldn’t be conditional on things like “providing food” and “helping someone pee.””
katie November 26, 2013, 2:05 pm
yea, i mean, wouldnt parenting (a human) fall under that as well?
do you not want/like kids, either?
MMcG November 26, 2013, 12:50 pm
So since the dog thing seems to be adequately covered, I wanted to raise something else that popped into my head while reading this letter. 27 year old dude sounds like he is going through a quarter life crisis… not knowing what he wants in life, whining and complaining about things that he shouldn’t be (like the dog – it’s one thing if you are allergic or if the dog has scratched/bitten you before, in which case something should be said and appropriate actions taken – otherwise STFU already!), just basically aimless and driftless. Now some people can wallow a bit in this phase and come out of it like a champ… and others can’t. Maybe see how things progress for the next few months and reassess, but anyone that decides to make the dog a problem area instead of figuring out their own shit doesn’t give me much hope. And I say this as someone who was in an LDR with a 27 year old who had a full on crisis, went back to school, etc… and we are now married and happily together, but man it was rough for a year or two while he was figuring it out. Add onto that the fact that I was also older (basically the exact same age difference as you LW and your bf) and had already gone through a few of those stages in my own life… well the guy has to be worth it. Complaining about my pet would not make me want to stick around for the transition phase 😉
Question for you LW is how long to you give this guy to grow up? If you want a family and children, I think that the way someone treats an innocent creature can be very telling and indicative of the way in which that person would treat others as well…
LW November 26, 2013, 1:38 pm
Thank you so much for this comment – this was actually really helpful. I can see, even though 27 isn’t semantically that much different than 31, that he is going through a quarter life crisis and that’s why I put those details in the letter rather than just “OMG he hates my dog!!” I know these are deeper issues.
I have been where he is – unsatisfied, unhappy with a job that pays too little and leaves me exhausted, wondering what to do with life, things didn’t turn out the way I imagined they would, etc – and it sucks. At least I had my dog to be a comfort throughout much of that time (haha). This is why I have not wanted to just be like “k bye then” because I know what he’s going through. We also have some major differences as far as life experiences (I moved 3 hours away for college, lived abroad for 2 years, then moved 300+ miles away from my family to a new city/state 6 years ago…ugh I’m old, haha) and he has only lived on his own for the past 3 years since he graduated from college, doing this job he hates. It is a new state for him too and he’s trying to make his way, and the field (and town) he’s in is very unrewarding and difficult, so I empathize, I really do.
I have thought about saying that I don’t think this is the best time in his life for a relationship and maybe we should be friends while he sorts some things out. I do care about him and I don’t want to just toss him away – though I’m not sure we are ultimately the best fit for each other forever. It’s only been a few months so I was kind of waiting to see how things went.
All that to say, I don’t have a strict time frame but I am thinking about it very carefully. I kind of feel like I will know when it’s time to make the ultimate decision…probably soon, it seems.
CattyGoLightly November 26, 2013, 2:22 pm
A quarter life crisis makes sense, but to vocally talk about how much he hates your dog is kind of childish. I think seeing how someone handles major stressors in their life is pretty revealing of their character, as well.
I mean, it’s a dog! Even if it were poorly behaved, there’s a way to talk about it that doesn’t make him sound like a jealous child.
Maybe if he weren’t having a quarter life crisis right now, and he had his shit together you guys would be a good fit. Maybe he wouldn’t take his frustration out on your dog. Maybe he wouldn’t be so cranky. Still, these are all just maybes! Also, that’s not what’s happening. This sounds, at the very least, like a case of bad timing. Timing can change everything!
Do you really want to go through a rough year or two right at the beginning of your relationship with no guarantee that things will ever be different? Even if they do change, you have … a rough year or two as your foundation. Not something that I would want to build a life on.
It’s only been three months, and if your warm fuzzies have turned cold and the butterflies in your stomach have died, it’s not a good sign.
Good luck with everything!!
sobriquet November 26, 2013, 1:47 pm
Wait- how is he jealous of the dog? He doesn’t like the dog, obviously, and therefore the relationship is probably not gonna work out. I just don’t see the jealousy. Also, I don’t think it’s fair to call the boyfriend immature for not knowing what he wants to do with his life. He’s 27- that is extremely normal. My fiance didn’t start his business until he was 30. When I was 21, I dated a 27 year old who sold tickets at a movie theater and his goal at the time was to become a waiter at said theater. 6 years later he’s working for a prominent company. I have more stories like this! My pharmacist brother decided to go to pharmacy school when he was 27 or 28. My point is that if you’re looking for a guy who’s more settled and stable, I suggest dating guys a little bit older than 27.
Bittergaymark November 27, 2013, 11:50 am
Okay being a professional dogwalker, I read this letter and initially thought — hmmmm, maybe she just has one mother-fucking annoying dog. Hell, half the canines I deal with are fucking mental patient psychos who should all probably be put down for the good of dogkind…
That said — the boyfriend sure ain’t much of a catch.
Honestly, it’s letter after letter like this that REALLY make me wanna pen that fictitious book — Women: the DESPERATE Sex! Seriously, why even consider dating a guy who is such a mess three months into your relationship? Many, many women (or perhaps it’s just many, many DWLWs) need to stop viewing men as exciting fix-up projects… NEWSFLASH: expecting a guy to magically mature overnight by the sheer awesome power of your special love is about as dumb as a guy expecting his Miss Semi-Average to shed thirty pounds while suddenly springing forth impossibly perky DDs. And as dumb and shallow as men can be — we somehow never get letters from any of them saying… “Gee, I love my wonderful girlfriend. If only she’d lose some weight and sprout bigger tits… How is this NOT just magically happening? WTF? I thought she loved me…How long should I wait for this to occur? Help! PS — I’m nearly twenty eight.”
I’ll get reamed for this… But — fuck it — I have been up all night due to a 5 am flight to SF that had me leaving the flat for LAX by the slowest shuttle known to man at two a.m. Meaning, I got like two hours of sleep tops. At any rate, maybe a few here will see my point. And YES!! DISCLAIMER! Much of this post is sarcastic — but there is a grain of truth to the point I am trying to make.
TECH November 27, 2013, 11:55 am
There’s more than a grain of truth to it! When you finally stop treating men like exciting fixer upper projects, it’s breathtaking. I feel like I got a lot of that out of my system after a string of “fixer uppers”, and I’m ready to find someone who has his shit together. It’s finding the right one that’s the real challenge.
Terry November 4, 2018, 8:10 pm
Anytime a man is jealous of a girl’s pet to me mean he is incapable of showing devotion, time, attention, loyalty and can’t put you first.
It is not going to work because he is lacking some I think basic skills. Common sense skills.
Don’t ever get rid of your pet for someone. This person needs to learn unconditional love. Also dogs and small children can see through the person.
If he can’t accept your pet who has been your companion before you met him, he needs to go
Caro June 3, 2021, 7:32 pm
I am going through a similar problem… with the difference that I am pregnant. It was not planned and I am trapped. My boyfriend wants me to give up my dog for the sake of our relationship and the baby. He never told me before that he was so jealous of my dog. I did sense, at some point that he didn’t like my dog but I never thought he would request me to choose between him and the dog. I love my boyfriend but I know I will miss my dog. Someone has to do the sacrifice and we can’t agree. My advice to you is to keep up your standards. If you want a partner that makes you happy and likes your dog keep looking for it. I am not going to put a dog over a human, but I think true love should allow you to be free. I feel devastated and if I could go back in time I would have changed my mind about this great good guy. I can’t change his mind and a baby is on the way. I have tried therapy, I have offered him commitments to training my dog, but nothing works for him. All because of a dog. Sounds crazy… I know.
Hazel June 4, 2021, 11:27 am
well that sounds just heartbreaking, Is your dog dangerous in some way? If not this is unreasonable. If there is no good reason you and your baby and your dog can’t live safely together, I think he is asking way too much of a sacrifice- I can’t begin to understand why he would do this to you.
Hazel June 4, 2021, 12:14 pm
Do you have a friend or family member who could take your dog in for you at all? Then you could still get to see them and would know how they fared, it’s a chancy world for animals out there as I am sure you are aware.
Peggy June 5, 2021, 4:25 pm
Caro,if he is jealous of the attention you give your dog, I am concerned he will be really, really jealous of a baby. This would be concerning to me, especially as therapy has not seemed to help. Sorry. not sure what advice there is and I hope I am wrong.
Hazel June 6, 2021, 5:35 pm
Caro, I think Peggy has a good point here.Unless the dog has behavioural concerns this jealousy does not bode well. Of course perhaps he just really doesn’t like dogs -though he should have told you this before -but it just seems like a dick move to ask you to give up a sentient being you have known for longer than him and if it was me it would give me significant pause for thought (and I would not give up my dog but I am not you in your situation so only you know what’s best in your particular scenario).