Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“My New Boyfriend is Mad That My Male Roommates See Me Naked”

I’ve lived with my two guy friends for about two and a half years. They’re my best friends in the world, and although we argue and fight sometimes, they’re still my family. We’ve supported each other through everything from broken hearts, to getting fired, to the loss of a parent.

When I first moved in with them, I was very cautious about my dress, but sharing one bathroom, that quickly changed. I don’t prance around or hang out naked or anything, but if I’m vegging out on the couch or something, I may just be in underwear and a tank or shirt. And they’ve seen me naked and I’ve seen them in all their naked glory, and it’s no big deal anymore.

Recently, I started dating a cool guy. We get along really well and I see a future for us, but he is so uptight about my living arrangements. He was upset at me after a night of “fun” when I excused myself and slipped across the hall to the bathroom. It was 2 am and dark, I was in my home, and I was in my birthday suit. One of my roommates happened to catch me on my way back to bed and, after a quick good night to him, all hell broke loose. My boyfriend was so pissed that my roommate saw me naked. I tried to explain the situation, but he is still so mad, telling me I should have more respect for myself. I mean, really? I don’t have a problem being seen naked in my home, my roommates don’t have a problem. Why should my new boyfriend? — Homebody

Your boyfriend’s mistake was telling you that you should have more respect for yourself when what he meant was that you should have more respect for him. He’s uncomfortable with your living situation, especially that your two male roommates see you naked and in various forms of undress when you’re hanging around the apartment. It’s probably kind of unnerving that one of your roommates ran into you in the dark at 2 am while you were naked and were obviously cleaning up after sex. That’s an invasion of privacy for your boyfriend. And you should respect that, as comfortable as YOU might be with everything, your boyfriend isn’t there yet (which really isn’t that strange). Keep a robe in your bedroom and throw that on the next time you need to run across the hall to the bathroom after sex.

At what age is it ok to let my teenage daughter wear a thong bikini in public? She’s bought thong underwear for several years, but she recently bought the skimpiest bikini. She’s not yet 17. I don’t think it’s right for her to wear it out and about, but with body shaming and all the #movements out there (most of which I support), I don’t know what’s right and what’s not. I’ve spoken to her about it, and her reply is generally vague, like, “My friends wear them” or “Everyone’s got them now” and the always popular, “It’s my body.” Dear Wendy, HELP! I don’t want to be an old prude mother, but I also don’t know where I stand. — I Blame Social Media

It’s not like social media is the first example of teenagers being influenced by others. Come on. Teens have been following and copying others since the dawn of time. You should do what every concerned and engaged parent has always done and decide what the biggest lessons are you want to teach, the most important things you need protect your teen from, and the best ways you’re going to reach those goals with the most limited resistance and strain to your own relationship.

How does your teen’s wearing a skimpy bikini affect the lessons you want to teach and the protection you want to lend? How is a more modest swimsuit going to help you meet those goals? Is it really such a big deal? These are questions you have to ask yourself, and if you determine that it IS a big deal that your not-yet-17-year-old daughter is running around in a skimpy thong bikini, potentially inviting attention she isn’t emotionally mature enough to deal with yet, tell her she can’t. I mean, social media, #movements, and your daughter’s friends may influence her, but they don’t make or enforce rules for your daughter — you do, at least for a couple more years.

When she complains to you that it isn’t fair that she can’t wear a tiny bikini like her friends do, remind her that life isn’t fair but that in a few years when she’s an adult and entirely responsible for herself in every way, and is more emotionally developed, she can wear whatever she wants. Until then, it’s your responsibility to protect and care for her the best you can, and sometimes that’s going to mean setting rules that conflict with your daughter’s desires.

This would also be a great opportunity to discuss how and why you think forbidding your daughter from wearing a tiny thong bikini is different from body shaming, and why, in/because/despite a culture of #metoo, you feel it’s important for a teen girl to dress more modestly until she is more emotionally mature to handle the (sexualized) attention skimpier clothing will invite from people she likely isn’t interested in receiving that kind of attention from.

***************

Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy​(AT)​dearwendy.com.

65 comments… add one
  • avatar

    JD July 23, 2018, 10:05 am

    LW1: Your boyfriend is right. It’s great that you are comfortable but he isn’t so don’t do it. I would never say you should not do things you are comfortable with just because someone else isn’t but this isn’t an out of line request and frankly one most wouldn’t make. My husband would flip his lid. I, nor he, have much of a problem with a short skirt or low cut top but fully nude, no way.

    LW2: Not until she is 18. Throw it away so she cannot take it with her when she goes somewhere with friends. It is insanely in appropriate for a child’s nude bottom to be out. I see it constantly and am appalled.

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    • avatar

      anonymousse July 23, 2018, 10:49 am

      This is a hilariously ironic response after the surprise birthday party letter.

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      • avatar

        Kate July 23, 2018, 10:58 am

        Yeah, why isn’t the boyfriend in this case a massive-eye roll-inducing, overly dramatic brat who should suck it up?

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      • avatar

        anonymousse July 23, 2018, 11:04 am

        It’s okay as long as the boyfriend is in charge of how and when a woman’s body is exposed?

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      • Dear Wendy

        Dear Wendy July 23, 2018, 11:35 am

        I definitely understand people’s argument that the boyfriend sounds misogynistic, but I’m putting myself in his shoes and I wouldn’t be super comfortable with my boyfriend being so casual about being naked in front of female roommates either (especially minutes after we’ve had sex). So I guess I have some empathy for the position the boyfriend found himself in. I wouldn’t have reacted the same way he did, but I probably would have expressed my discomfort. And I wouldn’t think of it as trying to force my will or “be in charge” of how his body is exposed. I think of it as sometimes making moderate lifestyle changes when you’re in a relationship to make a partner happy or more comfortable. I don’t think it’s a big deal to throw on a robe when you head to the bathroom. But I also agree that the way the boyfriend reacted sends some red flags, as he didn’t as, _S_ says, “calmly mention he is uncomfortable with her and her roommates’ casualness about varying levels of undress because he is a much more modest person than she is.” It’s ok for him to express discomfort and to ask if she’d be willing to meet his level of modesty a little more; it’s not ok to demand that or to insinuate that she’s disrespecting herself. I should have been more thoughtful in my advice, but I still don’t think it’s crazy to feel uncomfortable with the level of casualness the LW and her roommates have toward nudity and to express that.

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      • avatar

        Kate July 23, 2018, 11:08 am

        Yeah I guess that’s the common element that makes the seeming discrepancy make sense.

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      • avatar

        anonymousse July 23, 2018, 11:58 am

        My comment is solely meant to highlight the discrepancy in JDs responses from the woman exposed in front of a ton of people (surprise party lady) against her will, vs this one roommate seeing this woman.

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      • avatar

        LisforLeslie July 23, 2018, 12:37 pm

        If someone said “Walking around naked or half dressed is uncomfortable for me. ” OK. But if the roommates were girls, I don’t think he’d have such a problem.

        It’s the phrase “respect yourself” that shames her instead of asks her to consider his feelings.

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    • avatar

      JD July 23, 2018, 12:24 pm

      Accidentally being exposed is not the same as intentionally walking around nude. 🙄

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      • avatar

        Kate July 23, 2018, 12:32 pm

        So nudity in front of others, such as friends and roommates, is something both you and your husband are really uncomfortable with, but the woman in last week’s post is ridiculous and a brat for being upset about being seen nude in front of friends and co-workers, ok.

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      • avatar

        anonymousse July 23, 2018, 12:43 pm

        Right, a woman slinking off to the bathroom nude, in her own home in the middle of the night is something to “flip a lid” over, but a man exposing his gf to friends, family and her coworkers and bosses is not a big deal and she should just get over it.

        You are just full of shit, JD. That’s the point.

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom July 23, 2018, 2:24 pm

        Voluntary nudity in front of one person. Bad.

        Involuntary nudity in front of a large group of people including managers. Good. Get over yourself for minding.

        Quite a turn around in attitude.

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      • avatar

        Ele4phant July 23, 2018, 6:39 pm

        Yes being accidentally exposed in front of people is different.

        It’s way worse.

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      • avatar

        dinoceros July 23, 2018, 8:03 pm

        Yeah, one involves someone consenting to other people seeing their body and one doesn’t.

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  • avatar

    JD July 23, 2018, 10:06 am

    Would make not wouldn’t.

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  • juliecatharine

    Juliecatharine July 23, 2018, 10:22 am

    I strongly disagree with the advice for LW1. Her boyfriend meant exactly what he said and it has nothing to do with his privacy. ‘Having respect for yourself’ is guy code hiding your sexuality from other men. He views her body as his territory. It’s her home and if he’s not comfortable with how she chooses to walk around it he is free to leave.

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  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom July 23, 2018, 10:28 am

    LW1 You have a choice. You can put on some clothes to make your boyfriend more comfortable or tell him you are happy to dash to the bathroom naked and if he can’t handle it he can find a different girlfriend. I don’t know where you fall between these options.

    Personally, I’d be disgusted to find my roommate, male or female, but especially female, running to the bathroom naked after sex because we all know that body fluids are drippy. It has nothing to do with wanting to have sex with them if they happened to be naked and everything to do with not wanting to look at their naked body but especially not wanting to step in their dripped body fluids.

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    • avatar

      keyblade July 23, 2018, 12:11 pm

      Ewwwwwwwww

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  • avatar

    Smalls July 23, 2018, 10:44 am

    Regarding LW1, I don’t think she is doing anything that’s truly an invasion of the boyfriend’s privacy. She is undressed in the house often, so unless she was talking to the roommate about the sex she just had, it’s not like it’s anything he hadn’t seen before. This reads more to me like the boyfriend doesn’t like that she’s naked in front of other guys. The “respect yourself” line seems ridiculous – it’s her house, she’s comfortable with her particular set of boundaries, and there is no lack of respect for herself happening. Everybody has a different level of comfort. I can understand the boyfriend being uncomfortable, absolutely, but pissed? I don’t think he has the right.

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    • avatar

      Juliet July 23, 2018, 3:00 pm

      Smalls, I agree with you until the statement that the boyfriend doesn’t have the right to his feelings. For me I have to separate the difference between “having” and emotion and “expressing” an emotion. It’s really hard (and maybe impossible) to control the feelings we have in response to situations. On the other hand I hold people responsible for how constructively or destructively they express that emotion. My fondest hope is that LW1 and her guy will continue talking abt his and get to a completely honest and at the same time constructive expression of how they both feel, respecting each other rights to their own feelings.

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      • avatar

        Smalls July 23, 2018, 3:39 pm

        Yes, that’s fair – he has the right to feel what he’s feeling. In this case, I take it as poor execution/expression.

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  • avatar

    _s_ July 23, 2018, 10:49 am

    Yeah, I thought #1 was an automatic MOA, so I was surprised by the advice. An “invasion” of the BF’s “privacy”?? WTF kind of BS is that??? Like, if you sleep over at your GF’s place, you think her roommate would be shocked to think that you two had sex? That makes no sense. The roommate didn’t see the BF naked. This has NOTHING to do with the BF’s privacy. Popping out to the bathroom at 2 AM without getting dressed in your own home is perfectly reasonable – I mean, it’s not weird to assume that at this hour your roommates are asleep. It should’ve just been an “oops, ha ha” thing that she ran into the roommate. For the BF to react by “all hell breaking loose” and being “so pissed” and trying to shame her about having “more respect for herself” reeks of misogynistic, controlling BS. If the BF had calmly mentioned he was uncomfortable with her and her roommates’ casualness about varying levels of undress because he is a much more modest person than she is, and had been willing to have a dialogue where they both consider each other’s opinions, Wendy’s answer might have made more sense. (Though when it comes down to it, I don’t think the LW needs to change anything, other than, if the BF had been reasonable about it, it might have been an OK compromise for her to, say, make sure she and all the roommates stay a little more covered when BF is there.) But with the BF’s absurdly outsized and ridiculous reaction, LW, consider this an early red flag to say “see ya” before you get more attached to this guy.

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  • avatar

    Vathena July 23, 2018, 11:26 am

    Yeah…I’m also not really on board with the advice to LW1. I can see how it would make her BF uncomfortable, but the second that “have some respect for yourself” left his lips…nope. Instead of saying, “hey, I’m a little weirded out knowing your roommates see you naked all the time, can we talk about that?” But instead he said that being comfortable in her own skin, in her own home, with longtime friends, is “disrespecting herself”. That’s like saying that women wearing bikinis, or moms breastfeeding their babies in public, have no respect for themselves. It just smacks of misogyny and is a dump-able offense, in my opinion. Especially since he was *angry* about it, and is apparently still angry. Red flag.

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  • avatar

    LisforLeslie July 23, 2018, 11:43 am

    Yeah count me in as not aligned with today’s advice. A woman may choose to sleep naked. Coming out of the bedroom in the middle of the night naked doesn’t automatically equal “just had sex”. So this notion of his privacy being invaded doesn’t hold water. Hell, he could not even be there for that scenario to happen.

    Turning it around on her saying that she needs to “respect herself” – nope. Because that’s the excuse that people use to shame women into behaving a certain way. And it’s not that she doesn’t respect him – it’s that he doesn’t respect her because she’s been naked in front of her male roommates. If she had female roommates this would not be an argument.

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  • avatar

    keyblade July 23, 2018, 12:10 pm

    I think everyone gets to decide the rules for themselves but put me in the camp that would break up with someone who was a casual nude homebody with the roommates.

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    • avatar

      keyblade July 23, 2018, 12:17 pm

      Come to think of it, it’s not like I ever really encountered my siblings walking around naked after a certain age, nor have I ever felt the desire for that level of relaxation and personal comfort with anyone but my spouse.

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      • avatar

        LisforLeslie July 23, 2018, 12:41 pm

        I had a friend and her roommate and her (both female) were totally cool about nudity in the apartment. I’m barely good with underwear but that’s my deal. If I had a bf who was like “I like to walk around nude” I’d have to consider my comfort level. If he was flashing the neighbors, also food for thought.

        I would also be putting down towels on every couch or chair.

        I think it’s clear – I would not be in that relationship long.

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  • avatar

    TheHizzy July 23, 2018, 12:32 pm

    I disagree with advice given to LW1 and I agree with most everyone else posting here today.

    Understanding that in the heat of the moment it might have not been explained well by your BF with his feelings. I’d probably discuss with him, get to the bottom of it and see if it’s really because he’s trying to control your body, or if he’s just completely baffled and it didn’t express himself properly. Just know how to see the difference.

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  • avatar

    Jay July 23, 2018, 12:37 pm

    It’s a big reach to say that a man who expects his girlfriend to only be naked for him and him only, is controlling her body. Some people are ok with their significant others to be naked around other men, and most aren’t so…. if said man wanted to be with a stripper or an open nudist I’m sure he would be . Doesn’t work for most people.

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    • avatar

      anonymousse July 24, 2018, 7:02 am

      LOL.

      Yes, that IS controlling. I don’t care what you’re opinion is, but be honest about it.

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      • avatar

        anonymousse July 24, 2018, 7:14 am

        She was going to the bathroom in the middle of the night, and accidentally was seen, not stripping for them.

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    • avatar

      Rebecca July 24, 2018, 10:46 am

      That’s…the literal definition of control.

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  • avatar

    anonymousse July 23, 2018, 12:55 pm

    Nudity isn’t a big deal to me. I went to art school. We had wild parties. I was involved in modeling in college and afterwards. The human body is beautiful in most of its iterations.
    I also believe personally for myself, there’s a time and place for everything. If you are a nudist in your apartment, best not to date a controlling prude. If you are a prude, don’t try to date an #alwaysnude. Personal opinions on nudity don’t have to be passed on to this LW. She enjoys being nude, whatever that means for her. Personally, I think hanging out nude/snuggling on the couch with your roommates in your briefs is different than scurrying to the bathroom in the middle of the night when everyone is presumed to be asleep.

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    • avatar

      ktfran July 23, 2018, 1:03 pm

      I agree with everything you wrote… except I didn’t go to art school. But the other stuff about nudity.

      And I too, think I’d have more of a problem with my SO hanging out around the house, half nude, with opposite sex roommates than running to the bathroom nude late at night. Actually, if that were to happen and someone accidentally saw him, I’d totally laugh and probably joke about it the next day.

      But again, to each their own.

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      • avatar

        dinoceros July 23, 2018, 8:02 pm

        But is she really half nude, though? By her description, everything is covered. More clothing than she would wear if they went to the beach or pool with her roommates and wore a swimsuit.

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    • avatar

      keyblade July 23, 2018, 2:10 pm

      As other’s have said, the letter writer’s boyfriend should never have tried to make the letter writer feel as though she didn’t respect herself when it had nothing to do with her feelings it was about him and how he felt. Maybe he was projecting how he would feel letting female friends see him casually naked; maybe it’s hard for him to accept that the other guys don’t sexually view his girlfriend the same way he does when she’s naked. It’s too bad he responded with anger. Maybe he will take time to understand his feelings and do a better job putting them into words. But I doubt it.

      “I’ve lived with my two guy friends for about 2 1/2 yrs. They’re my best friends in the world, and although we argue and fight sometimes, they’re still my family. ”

      I’m sure there are many people in this world who feel comfortable dating a man with best female best friends who are physically free around each other. But I’d feel insecure. My husband does have close women friends. They are lovely. I enjoy when they visit and I consider them my friends, too.

      But if his best female friends lived in the same space and stopped by to say goodnight to each other while naked, that would probably feel like too much intimacy for me too. As it was, my spouse’s roommates were weirdos, but they were respectful of a closed door so it worked out fine.

      I don’t think there is anything wrong with people who feel confident about their body and less inhibited around others. I’m not judging you personally, anonymousse. Someone in my family used to come out in his underwear even if I had people over. Everybody’s different.

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  • avatar

    Allornone July 23, 2018, 1:05 pm

    He has a right to be uncomfortable about her being naked around other men. He also has a right to express that discomfort in a mature manner (which he most decidedly, did NOT do).

    Alternatively, she has a right to either take his feelings into account, compromise a bit, and choose to be slightly more modest at times when it’s not that big of a deal, or she has the right to ultimately decide he’s being unreasonable and keep doing what she’s doing.

    I don’t think any of those above choices are wrong. It’s just a matter of figuring out what your boundaries are and whether you can (or if its worth it) to balance them with your partner’s.

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  • avatar

    Fyodor July 23, 2018, 1:07 pm

    It is her body but there is no way that I would stay with someone who was casually naked around her roommates.

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    • avatar

      Ursula Robinson July 24, 2018, 10:30 am

      Why?

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  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom July 23, 2018, 1:53 pm

    I think that there is always the thought that the roommates could be masturbating to the image of her naked body. I know there is a lot of porn available today but there is still the possibility and I wouldn’t be surprised if the boyfriend has thought of that. The other thing to be wary of is someone taking a picture of her.

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    • avatar

      Rebecca July 24, 2018, 10:47 am

      What I’ve learned from 37 years on this earth is that people’re going to masturbate to whatever they want, and there’s no way of stopping them. If she was a never nude, they’d masturbate to the idea of what was under her clothes.

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  • avatar

    Sarah July 23, 2018, 1:59 pm

    LW 1 your boundaries are different than his are, and most likely this is a deal breaker and will be for a lot of guys/girls. I’m not saying your wrong just that some SO’s won’t get past this. I am fine with someone seeing me naked, my husband is fine with being seen naked but not with other men seeing me naked however there is a short time frame after sex that my husband will go out of his mind caveman nuts if he thinks that someone can see me after or hear the after. He can’t really explain it, just that the after is his and he doesn’t want to share.

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  • avatar

    carolann July 23, 2018, 2:11 pm

    I am with Wendy on this one and I am a person who is extremely comfortable with nudity. I was raised by a family who is very comfortable with nudity. (I can remember going skinny dipping with my entire family in hot springs when I was a kid and I have been arrested for skinny dipping, but that is TMI and another story) I also worked as a nude dancer for a few months back in the day and my first husband was a nude dancer a la Chippendales (TMI again) that is how we met. He also posed for Playgirl. I posed for nude photos myself, but only for personal use, never published or on the internet or anything crazy. I retained the negatives. (TMI again)
    We are still very lax about nudity in my house although at 48 It doesn’t look quite as good. Lol
    BUT I still side with Wendy on this one. The bf probably should have worded it differently, but if she wants to be with this guy a robe would be a good idea.
    He may have been raised to feel differently about nudity. I don’t really blame him for being uncomfortable. I just think he could have worded it differently.
    LW2- Are thongs back again? All I think of when I think of thongs are yeast infections yikes! They are SO unsanitary! Eeeeeewwwwww!
    I was lucky, at 17 (and now) my daughter couldn’t care less about what other people were wearing. 16 is too young to wear a thong in my opinion. What Mom says goes until 18.

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  • avatar

    ele4phant July 23, 2018, 3:57 pm

    I don’t think LW’s boyfriend is wrong to feel uncomfortable, nor do I think its wrong for LW1 to have a more permissive attitude; there’s a range at which people feel comfortable with when it comes to nakedness – its not just a binary either you’re a sexually promiscuous weirdo or you’re a prude.

    That said, he way overstepped in how he expressed his discomfort to her. Way over the line, especially for so early in the relationship.

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  • avatar

    dinoceros July 23, 2018, 5:02 pm

    LW1: I thought it was going to be a letter about your prancing around naked all the time. To get mad at you for that one accidental instance and to tie it to self-respect, to me, is a red flag. I can see a person saying, “Hey, can you not walk around naked where your roommates can see?” but to be angry (as in, they think you were breaking their rules) and to imply you don’t have self-respect says a lot more about him as a person than about the issue of nakedness. I’d wonder if he sees women (or you specifically) as property, etc.

    I don’t agree that this is an issue of privacy for him. If you have sex with someone who has roommates, you have to deal with the fact they will probably know you had sex at some point. If a person can’t handle that, then they need to not have sex in a home where other people live.

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  • avatar

    Ange July 23, 2018, 7:00 pm

    If it wasn’t the ongoing and long established dynamic I’d be weirded out like LW1’s boyfriend but this was going on long before him and everything was fine. I’ve lived in some pretty free and easy share houses and that wouldn’t even be a blip on my radar. If you want to come in and change something that’s been working before you better bring something extra special to the table. Slut shamey bullshit is not that something special.

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  • avatar

    Jay July 23, 2018, 7:17 pm

    I’m sorry, is there a reason why my comment wasn’t posted? A dude that expects his girlfriend to only show her nude body to him and only him is not a fucking contol freak. People have things that work for them and that maybnot be what the other is cool with. I woulda broken up with / not been with a woman who doesn’t see a problem with her male roomates seeing her naked. What the fuck ever with this “it’s her body” bullshit

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    • avatar

      Jay July 23, 2018, 7:21 pm

      What, so just because SHE doesn’t have a problem being naked around her male housemates whenever and however she wants, he is supposed to be ok with that, and he if he isn’t, he’s the asshole and just needs to kick rocks? That’s bs, I’ve been in a relationship for a while now and I’d be dammed if she is just gonna be naked around any other guys, if i wanted a stripper or open nudist, i would have been with one.

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      • avatar

        anonymousse July 24, 2018, 7:06 am

        No he’s an asshole for berating her and telling her she doesn’t respect herself.

        He could have peaced out without the judgemental BS.

        Again, she went to the bathroom in the middle of the night. She wasn’t prancing around naked.

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    • avatar

      Ange July 23, 2018, 7:25 pm

      I can see it up there but I’m sure with that reaction about it your concerns about a woman’s body are totally reasonable and not at all based in anything gross. Kudos!

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    • Lucidity

      Lucidity July 23, 2018, 8:12 pm

      There is nothing wrong with a guy not wanting people to see his girlfriend naked. That’s perfectly normal and understandable. There *is* something wrong with him telling her that letting her roommates see her naked means she doesn’t respect herself. He could have told her it makes him uncomfortable and he’d prefer if she’d cover up, which would be a reasonable request, but instead he chose to insult and slut-shame her by implying she has low self-esteem. That’s what makes him an asshole.

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    • avatar

      Ele4phant July 23, 2018, 8:20 pm

      It’s not so much what was requested but how it was requested that is the problem.

      Tell her it makes him uncomfortable and to not do it? Fine.

      Freak out, berate her, tell her she doesn’t respect herself? That’s not cool, and that is the problem.

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      • avatar

        Jay July 23, 2018, 8:45 pm

        That’s absolutely correct, he definitely was shitty for saying that, and how he said it , I just am done with how a lot of comments are geared toward the guy being a douche or a control freak all because he doesn’t want his girlfriend to show her naked body to other men, men that she lives with. I’m willing to bet that he didn’t know how comfortable she is being naked around her male, seemingly straight, roomates. Further, i would guess, had she told him this before hand, he would have not been cool with it and broke it off , as he should have.

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      • avatar

        Ele4phant July 23, 2018, 10:54 pm

        But virtually all the comments here that take issue with the boyfriend, are taking issue with his reaction, not that he’s uncomfortable with her being nude in front of her male roommates.

        I wouldn’t be comfortable with it (either as the nude party or the partner of a nude party). I don’t think there’s anything inherently *wrong* having an inherent comfort with nudity – but there’s also nothing wrong with wanting some modesty.

        And part of a relationship is compromising sometimes – so I totally think it would’ve been reasonable for him to ask her to cover up, and I would’ve suggested she entertain that because it’s not really that hard an ask.

        But really, pretty much everybody is upset with how he handled his request, not that he had it in the first place.

        He’s a douche not because he’s uncomfortable with her being nude in front of her male roommates, he’s a douche because he handled it in a douche way.

        Besides – it sounds like it was an accident. She doesn’t regularly parade around in front of them naked, she went to the bathroom in the middle of the night not expecting to run into anyone else. It was just an accident and she just didn’t make a big deal about it.

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    Jay July 23, 2018, 8:48 pm

    Btw, and i may be wrong, but as i re read the letter, she isn’t so much focused on his shitty comment about her not respecting herself so much as she is thinking he should be ok with her being naked around these guys and can’t understand why he’s upset.

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      Jay July 23, 2018, 8:50 pm

      It’s as if she is saying , well I’m fine and comfortable with it so he should be. No. Full stop right there

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    _s_ July 23, 2018, 8:57 pm

    I don’t think anyone here, even the people who would not be comfortable if the LW was their SO, is saying that the BF is wrong to have different levels of comfort with the idea of nudity than the LW. Having a different OPINION is NOT what makes the BF wrong/raises a potential flag here. The problem is his REACTION. He didn’t bring up his discomfort in a mature dialogue, he got “so pissed” that “all hell broke loose” and he said problematic stuff about having “more respect for herself” and so on. Based on what the LW has described, his REACTION is a huge red flag.

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      Jay July 23, 2018, 9:05 pm

      I already agreed how he handled it and his choice of words was fucked up, a red flag , and NOT the way to express him not being comfortable with the situation.

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    Steffi July 24, 2018, 12:12 am

    I don’t think the boyfriend is angry because of that you don’t have respect for your body. He maybe thinks that if they can see you naked, that the step to have casual sex with them is very close (which is not the case as we know, but he can think this). Because he thinks like a guy..

    That is according to me the reason of his “jealousy”. I mean in his mind, if you can be comfy naked around guys, why would you not be comfy if you are drunk to have casual sex with them, if you are already comfy naked around each other. So that is the thing he is afraid of in my opinion. Because he thinks like a guy and not like a woman.

    Just my 2 cents, Steffi.

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      Ange July 24, 2018, 5:07 am

      Ewww if that was actually the case LW should break up with him yesterday.

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    ron July 24, 2018, 5:58 am

    LW #1 writes that this is a recent new bf. Even if he is cool, as she says, this disagreement reveals a basic incompatibility. Consider it a deal breaker and just move on.

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    MMR July 24, 2018, 10:05 am

    I think LW1’s boyfriend was probably feeling a combination of shock and jealousy when he reacted. No, he doesn’t get to decide who sees her body, but I think it’s fair to be pretty surprised that these roommates see each other naked regularly. Since it’s the first time he heard about this very casual and open arrangement, I’m going to give him a pass on his overreaction. I think he should be judge on his behaviour the day after. Was he sorry he overreacted, but still kind of thrown/uncomfortable with it? Does he acknowledge that she gets to decide what self-respect means to her? I think there are very few cases where someone’s immediate gut reaction is enough to judge them on.

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    Ursula Robinson July 24, 2018, 10:22 am

    Wendy, you are so off on your response to LW1. Of course it’s fine if the boyfriend isn’t comfortable with her nudity in front of her roommates. He has every right to be uncomfortable. However, she IS comfortable and that’s all that matters. He can be uncomfortable and then suck it up and move on. It in no way disrespects him or his privacy for her roommate to see her naked on the way to the bathroom. She’s not forcing the boyfriend to be naked in front of the roommates. He doesn’t own her body and his reaction was controlling and abusive. She should MOA as you say unless he can apologize and realize he’s being sexist and controlling and let it go. LW, you don’t deserve to be shamed for this and your boyfriend is being awful. You’re doing nothing wrong. Do what makes you comfortable with your body.

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  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark July 24, 2018, 11:26 am

    Strange. All my roommates were gay dudes and we STILL didn’t roam the halls naked post fucking our respective boyfriends or languidly lounge on the sofa in our jocks…

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    S July 25, 2018, 11:44 pm

    LW1 – oh just buy a nice robe already.

    Sure, it sounds like the boyfriend didn’t express himself very well, and maybe that indicates some deeper issues, deal with that. But not wanting your SO to be naked around friends of the opposite gender is not ‘controlling’ – it’s a reasonable definition of appropriate activities in a monogamous relationship. Sometimes couples need to negotiate what those reasonable restrictions are – but really, if your argument is that you’re too lazy to put on a robe then you’re just being difficult on purpose.

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