“My Sisters Haven’t Supported My Son Since His Partner Died”
My sisters are both comfortably retired and spend money freely, eating out and buying things for their houses, and one even just bought a $200K villa. When my mom (not their natural mom) passed away last year, all the money was split three ways. My mom never treated them any differently than me. I am incredibly hurt that they’ve offered no support, and my son wants nothing to do with them. I can’t make excuses for their behavior and want to know how to confront them.
I feel I am living a false life when I go shopping or out to eat with them. Even when my best friend’s daughter overdosed, they made a beautiful floral wreath arrangement for her. For my son, not even a card or a baked lasagna. What’s up with that?? I really want to know. Now I’m invited to a housewarming party for my sister’s new villa and am expected to bring HER a gift? — Disappointed in Sisters
I’m very sorry for the tragic loss of your son’s fiancée and the mother of your grandbaby. I can imagine it’s a shock and that you must feel overwhelmed with concern for your son over how he will emotionally, physically, and financially support a baby as a single parent with what sounds like very limited resources. Your feelings of frustration and anger are normal parts of the grieving process, and while I understand the temptation to direct those feelings at your sisters, whom you feel haven’t stepped up enough to help, I hope you resist such temptation.
The truth is, if your sisters didn’t have a relationship with your son because he’d been avoiding them for years, that may contribute to what seems like a lack of empathy. It doesn’t make their seeming lack of concern less hurtful, but this may be more a case of their just not having the emotional tools to lend the support you think they should. Rather than calculate all the ways your sisters owe you/your son, including an inheritance from your mom – the woman who raised them as their own for most of their lives, I encourage you to use your words and communicate with them about your hurt feelings. Remember, this isn’t about your sister’s villa, or the gifts you’ve given their grandchildren; this is about your feeling that they haven’t adequately recognized a time in your life when you need them to show up. Here’s a sample script:
“This has been such a tragic time for my son, and as his mom, I’m really worried and sad. Any support he gets from my friends and family is, by extension, support for me as I share in his burden of grief, caring for his baby, and picking up the pieces after losing his fiancée so unexpectedly. When you offer support to my son during this awful time, it means so much to me. If you aren’t sure what’s needed, it’s OK to ask. I have a whole list of ideas. I need my sisters’ support right now. It makes a big difference going through this tragedy knowing the people I love have my back.”
If, after sharing your feelings with them, you continue to feel unsatisfied with the level of their support, take a break from them. You absolutely do not need to go to a housewarming party or any other family event where you’d be expected to celebrate when you’re feeling so emotionally-strained. It would be better to create distance between you and those who are disappointing you than to have heated confrontations you might later regret.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
LW: my advice: be much more proactive. Ask your sisters directly for help. For example, you can say that your son needs X and Y and Z, and that you are collecting money for a family gift. You ask your sisters to give each XXX $. and to sign the family card that you have prepared. Just ask, if it doesn’t come spontaneously. You can also ask for their time: can you babysit this day?
I would also collect money and help from your son’s cousins, as they have 8 children altogether. They could offer baby clothes, toys that their children don’t need anymore, and they could also offer to babysit and organise playdates with your grandchild.
Just ask, please, don’t complain waiting for things to happen. It would be also a good thing for you to organise a collective gift and a family support round your son.
I guess they are petrified by the suicide, and don’t know how to approach the situation. Lame, I know, but common. Do give them clear directions and see the result. I don’t think I would ask now why they didn’t give anything, or that you are hurt. You might simply suffer more and increase this isolation. Start first by asking them. Then, if they reject your offer, you can say that you are hurt and ask questions. Give them first the chance and opportunity to do the right thing. I am pretty sure they will comply with some clear propositions.
BUt remember too that they are not responsible for this tragedy and your son estranged himself from the family. This is no excuse, not at all, but please keep some perspective and don’t direct your grief against your sisters.
I am sorry about this terrible loss and hope your son and his baby will recover and have a beautiful life.
LW, did your family members go to the baby shower? Did they give a gift at the time of birth? Were they oppose of the couple not being married?
LW: If you truly want to know why, then ask. Maybe you’ll get an answer that will open up a better relationship. Or you’ll get an answer that will give you a chance to express how disappointed you are, and you can re-evaluate your relationship with them.