As she rushed away in our car, I jumped in my car and followed at a distance. She eventually pulled into an apartment parking lot. I pulled over to where I was not visible, but I could see the apartment parking lot and apartment house well. There were a lot of people coming and going from one apartment. My wife parked, got out, and began to walk up to the “party apartment.” When she was about halfway there, two guys came out with a girl to greet her. I recognized the girl as the unmarried slut from Jill’s office. I could tell that she was being introduced to the guys. After the introductions, one guy put his arm around Jill and escorted her into the apartment with the slut and her date tagging along. Then I saw my wife’s date come out and grab two beers and go back into the apartment. I could faintly make out that she and the guy were seated on a sofa opposite the front door drinking the beers. I thought long and hard about what I should do. I thought about going into the apartment, confronting her, and dragging her home. Then I thought, “Is she going to have sex with the guy? If so, maybe I should give them time to get involved and go in and catch her in the act.” That seemed like a plan that would really put her in her place. So I drove off with the expectation of returning in an hour or so. As I drove, my thoughts became more convoluted. I had not been a great husband, and maybe I deserved this. I had never cheated, but I was less than attentive to her needs and didn’t show her the appreciation she deserved. By the time I returned to the apartment, her car was still there, but the apartment door was shut. I didn’t really know what to do. So I just drove home with my tail between my legs.
The next five or so hours were agonizing. I just sat on the sofa in our trailer house waiting for her to come home. Finally, about 1:00 a.m., I heard the car. I decided to just sit on the couch like nothing was unusual and when she came in, I would ask about where she had gone “with the girls.” I heard one car door shut, but a few seconds later I heard a second car door shut. I was confused about the second door shutting. Then there was a knock at the trailer door. I got up and answered it. Jill was standing there weaving back and forth in total drunkenness. She couldn’t even get up the steps to the door. I pulled her into the trailer just as I heard another car door slam and an engine rev up to take off. I ran past my wife, and saw two guys in a car heading very fast away from our place. I came back into the trailer. My very drunk wife threw her arms around my shoulders, started to cry, and said, “I am so sorry.” She smelled of alcohol, and I had never seen her so drunk. The pin at the top of her jumpsuit was missing and several top buttons were undone, which exposed more than a little cleavage. I pulled her arms off my shoulders, and said, “You really need to get to bed.” I guided her weaving body back to the bed and left her there. I said, “We’ll talk about this tomorrow.” She didn’t say anything as she passed out then and there.
The next day at school, I had a test and had to be at school early. By the time I got home from class, she had gone to work. Later that day when she came home, we never discussed what had transpired. I don’t know why – maybe I was afraid to know and she was afraid to tell me – but the previous night was never discussed. And up until two days’ ago, it had never been brought up. Jill has always suspected that I had sex with another girl that I had a date with while my wife and I were engaged. Truth is that I didn’t have sex with that girl, but I probably would have had someone not interrupted the proceedings. But the fact is that I didn’t have sex with her. Apparently, this has always bothered my wife, and she periodically brings it up and accuses me of it. It bothers me that I periodically get accused of something that never took place. So this time, I said to my wife, “I have something that I have never told you.” Then I explained to her what I just wrote in the above paragraphs. She looked inquiringly at me, and said, “I don’t remember anything like that.” She claimed that she didn’t even remember the slut girl. I attempted to recall for her who the girl was, but she claimed that she couldn’t remember any of my story about the occurrence. She then said, “Did you check me when I came in? I might have been raped.” I said that as loose as she was that night with all the booze in her, that I doubted that a guy would have had to rape her. She probably would have been a willing participant. I don’t think she liked that comment, but she didn’t argue it. She went on to say that maybe her top buttons were undone because she had to pee and was too drunk to button them back. That is possible, but it was the top buttons only, and she had to unbutton all of them to get out of the jumpsuit to use the bathroom. So it is doubtful that only the top ones by themselves would be undone. My wife then said, “I am sorry, but I don’t remember any of this or what happened.” Well, I’m sorry, but unless a person has cheated a godly number of times, I think there would be some recollection of at least the early portion of the evening before the booze took its full effect
Now, I will add to this. We’ll fast forward many years later (about two years ago). Jill and I have never been hard swingers, but there have been a few times over the years where we have done a little soft swinging, like fondling with another person. It never went further than fondling above the waist and never any hard swinging. Well, we were visiting this couple that we had done some soft swinging with before. We had dinner and then went out to their hot tub. We had been drinking very heavily and were more than drunk, and when we went back into the house, we all stayed naked. The two wives started kissing and making out together. It sort of turned me on and the other husband as well. We went up and started kissing and fondling them. We didn’t necessarily pay attention only to our wives. Pretty soon I was doing some things that I should not have been doing, and so was my wife, but I didn’t have sex with the other man’s wife. Although we were all in the same room, I could not clearly see what my wife was doing. After spending the night there, I was talking with the other guy the next day, and he said that he had had sexual intercourse with my wife. He even told me about a move she made, which is her classic move. As we were departing that day, my wife asked,”Did you have a good time?” I replied that I had. She then said that she never wanted to do that again. I agreed that we would not. I then asked her what she had done. She claimed that it was only what I had done. I waited for about a week for her to come forward and tell me what she had truly done. She never did. So this time I confronted her, and I told her what her gentleman friend had said. She looked amazed. She said, “I just didn’t know I did that. I don’t think I did, but maybe I was so drunk, I don’t remember.” Well, I was just as drunk, too, and I know what I did and didn’t do. I have not broached the subject anymore with her, although from time to time she will bring it up and say, “I just really don’t know.” So now she is saying, “I just don’t remember about the date many years ago. Maybe I had sex and maybe I didn’t. It is just like that thing two years ago.”
I don’t think I believe her that she fails to remember these two instances. I think she feels guilty and doesn’t want to say and doesn’t want to remember. I can handle her having sex with another guy, but being untruthful about it is running me nuts. I just think she should be honest with me and tell me what happened. I think after all these years, she owes me that. Honesty is essential in any relationship. Any suggestions as to how I can get her to be truthful and honest with me on these things? — Untrusting Husband
You don’t even try to hide your misogyny, do you? From calling grown women “girls,” to repeatedly using the “slut” slur to refer to your wife’s former colleague, to insinuating there was a car in your relationship that belonged to you both and one that belonged just to you (implying that your wife literally has less ownership in your marriage than you do), to not worrying about whether your wife had been raped because you think being too drunk to know what’s going on is blanket consent for men to take advantage, to controlling what and how your wife dresses, to arguing that your being stopped from cheating somehow cancels your intention to cheat and makes you innocent while your wife potentially having sex while too drunk to consent IS cheating, to failing to understand that alcohol often affects women differently than it affects men (because of the typical difference in our physical sizes).
You’re a misogynist. And I’m not going to give you suggestions on how to get your wife to be truthful and honest with you. I’m not going to validate your concerns that she hasn’t been truthful and honest, based only on the misogynist lens through which you’ve viewed her and your marriage. What I’m going to do instead is suggest that the two of you go to therapy together and address your communication problems, your lack of respect for your wife, setting and clarifying boundaries (like what the rules are when it comes to your swinging, for example), and how your misogyny has affected your marriage. Good luck!