“My Wife Can’t Remember If She Cheated On Me”

Betty October 26, 2020, 4:30 pm

Marie October 27, 2020, 11:36 am

Elena October 27, 2020, 12:47 pm

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  Dear Wendy October 28, 2020, 6:21 am

  Elena, I get so many letters like these and rarely post them. I debated posting this one, but given the current moment that we’re in, culturally and politically, and given that this letter is actually far tamer than most I get from misogynists, it felt ok to post this, if for no other reason that to add some fuel and extra motivation to fight for our rights and our dignity while we still have an opportunity to do so successfully. This kind of misogyny exists, it is woven into the fabric of our society and it greatly impacts policies and laws and cultural expectations in a way that affects all of us. While I have no intention of highlighting and giving platform to this kind of misogyny on a regular basis – this site is almost 10 years old and I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve posted a similar kind of letter – I think there are certain instances when doing so makes sense, and on the day a Supreme Court justice was confirmed who will threaten women’s rights to autonomy of their own bodies and in the middle of an election in which many more of the rights we have fought so hard for are at risk, it seems like an appropriate time to give a not-so-subtle reminder what we’re up against.

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    Dear Wendy October 28, 2020, 6:26 am

    A reply from the LW (i.e. what we’re up against):

    Well, Wendy, I guess you told me off. And perhaps I deserved to be told off. Certainly if one takes a poll of the other letters that commented on the post, I am the closest thing to slime that ever existed. However, I think that there are several factors about which you and the commentors were unaware that could and should be explained.

    Firstly, the almost affair that I had when engaged to my future wife was a one night thing, and I was tremendously drunk – as was the girl. Although I had planned at the moment to have sex with her, it did not happen. I felt very guilty about it, and my wife never knew a thing about it until just prior to our marriage, I felt that I owed it to her to admit my guilt before we tied the knot. I believed that it was the honest thing to do, and I didn’t want any dishonesty to exist at the very beginning of our marriage. Was I wrong to have almost done the deed? Yes. But I did come clean about before our marriage. Maybe I would have been better off not to mention it, but that would have been almost as dishonest as the act itself. In addition, since that time, I have never had an affair with anyone. I am certain that you are aware that 50-60% of married men in the U.S. have had an affair during their marriages. So am I any worse than those 60%? I think not, although it is all wrong.

    In regard to calling the girlfriend of my wife a slut, that was uncalled for and a mistake. I am of a different generation than you most likely are, and that word was not considered to be as derogatory as it is today. Probably a more apt description for her was that she was a nymphomaniac, because she had sexual intercourse with every guy that took her out according to my wife’s description of her. And I do know that was true of any of our friends that took her out. I apologize for labeling her as I did. And I recognize that nymphomania is a mental disease, and labeling a person with the disease with a derogatory term is unjustified.

    In regard to the consent issue with my wife and possible intercourse while intoxicated, you are correct that it should be considered rape. At the same time, if I had been the only one totally drunk with that woman I took out (assuming she was sober), would you consider my indiscretion to be rape by the woman, provided the act was completed? Or is it just a one-way street? I do know that women tend to get more inebriated than men given the same quantity of alcohol, but I also know my wife’s capabilities to drink a relatively large amount of alcohol. Her weight is about 165 to 170 pounds. That is relatively close to my weight, and she can consume close to the same amount of alcohol and will attain the approximate same level of drunkenness. I do believe that there may have been a high degree of guilt in her stepping out on me that night, and as a result, she may have consumed more alcohol than normal to cover that guilt. So you and she are probably correct, in that she may have been taken advantage of by that guy, and that is rape. I was wrong to discount that fact. Thank you for pointing that out. As to the reason I considered waiting and catching her in the act, I thought that I really didn’t want to be married to someone that would cheat on me. That is why I was so conflicted about what to do. I loved her, and maybe that is the reason that I never brought it up all those years. Perhaps I really didn’t want to know at that time. Also, the term “drag her out of the apartment” didn’t actually mean to physically drag her out. That is just a saying that I should have not used, because I didn’t realize that people would take it literally.

    In regard to controlling how my wife dresses. I believe the vast majority of husbands would have reacted the same way I did in those circumstances. My wife is a terrible liar – meaning she does not do it often and/or well. I could readily sense she was lying that night about where she was going. Her evasiveness about the location of the get-together was the first tip off. Then when she put on a low cut outfit to go to a bar, it was a real concern since I was worried about what she was going to be doing. I figured that an outfit that low-cut would give guys the impression that she was a ready mark. I didn’t want them to think of her in that way, and that was the reason that I wanted her to pin the top in a more modest way. Don’t you think most husbands in that situation would have attempted to do the same thing to protect their wives? If you don’t, I do. Sorry, but that is the way I feel. And I don’t think I was wrong on that count.

    The labeling of the cars as mine or ours can be explained. My car was the one that I had had a number of years before we got married. She never liked the car and almost refused to drive it. So we both called it “my car.” Then when we got married, the car we drove when we were together was one that we bought together, and we called it “our car.” You will note that I called it her car in one or two places in the prior text. So anyone that makes a big deal out of that labeling is totally off base. And I was also chastised for calling my wife’s night out as a “girl’s night out.” That is what she used as the term to describe that night out when it occurred. If you want to make a big deal out of that, go ahead. It was her term for that night. Today, if you want to call it “an 18 and 19 year old ladies night out,” go ahead. To this day, if I go out with the guys, we call it a “boys’ night out.” Maybe we should be cognizant that we are discrediting ourselves due to semantics, and should change it to “gentlemen’s night out.” Whew! Much ado about nothing.

    In regard to the swinging (and this may surprise many that there are 18% of married men and 10% of married women that swing), we have only been doing that as soft swinging until that one night. We had set the boundaries (I thought). It was no touching below the waist, and absolutely no intercourse or penetration. We were in the hot tub and heavily drinking with two very experienced hard swingers that were friends for many years before we knew they were swingers. There was some touchy and feelie while in the tub, but nothing beyond the boundaries my wife and I had established. Then when we exited the hot tub and went into the house, things progressed further than either of us had planned. Without the heavy use of alcohol, it most likely would not have happened. But, once in the house, my wife and the other lady began to make out. To both husbands, it was exciting to watch. After a time we moved to join them. At first, it was husband and wife, but then it switched. I could only see a portion of my wife and the other guy, but soon it was evident that he was giving her stimulation below the waist. I thought that she must think it O.K. to go beyond the pre-established boundaries, and I began to offer the other woman what I thought was the same hand stimulation. It wasn’t until the next day that the guy told me that it had gone to full penile penetration with my wife. I was not mad at my wife. I just expected her to tell me what had happened. After many days, I determined that she was not going to do so, and I confronted her. I didn’t yell or lose my temper, I just told her that I was hurt that she was not being honest with me.

    For all my wrongs, it does still surprise me that absolutely no one focuses on the fact that she may have had a sexual encounter with another man during our early marriage, but, at the very least, sneaked off and had a date while married. And also, while boundaries were established, she exceeded those boundaries, and I followed suit only to a limited extent. I didn’t get mad or raise my voice about her exceeding the boundaries. I only wanted her to come forward about it. I was hurt that she didn’t.

    Wendy, please do not send another email to my personal email address. If you want to post this and respond and let others have at me that is fine. I really think that no one will alter their opinion (including you), but I want to explain some things that should be considered. Thank you.

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    Kate October 28, 2020, 6:37 am

    Blah blah blah double standards questionable statistics bladiddybla stfu.

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    Kate October 28, 2020, 6:51 am

    Go fondle some more boomer titties, you big baby.

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    Kicia October 28, 2020, 11:29 am

    “At the same time, if I had been the only one totally drunk with that woman I took out (assuming she was sober), would you consider my indiscretion to be rape by the woman, provided the act was completed? ”
    Yes. How is this even a question?

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