Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“My Wife Lied About Her Sexual History”

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My wife and I have been together for twenty years, married going on seventeen years. We have a good marriage and two beautiful kids. When began dating, she was always open about her sexual past as was I about mine. We work in an environment where she knew that is was inevitable that I would meet someone with whom she had been intimate, so she told me about those relationships and I respected her for that.

Last night, I inadvertently overheard a conversation between her and some girlfriends over some drinks. They were talking about life before marriage, and my wife went into more detail about her sex life before me. She explained to her friends that she had always been upfront with me about the men she had been with and how the odds were that I would find out through the grapevine anyway. I got the impression from her conversation that there were WAY MORE men than she had told me about. She went on to say that she had lost count of all the men she had been with and that, if she had been pregnant every time she had been with someone, she would have more kids than she could count. I also got the feeling that she really enjoyed and missed that time of her life.

I am feeling like I don’t know her and am confused about whether I should let this go or how I should deal with this. — Feeling Lied To

What is it exactly that you aren’t sure whether to “let go” of? That your wife has a personal history of which you aren’t privy to every detail? That she apparently has shared more with girlfriends about her sexual past than she has with you? That she led you to believe she was less sexually experienced than she was? Or that, after twenty years together, enough monotony has set in in your relationship that sexual escapades from over two decades ago — that, let’s be honest here, may or may not have actually happened — seem to excite your wife?

Of everything listed above, the only point that is relevant to you and your life together — the only one that is any of your business — is the latter. Assuming you love your wife (and you don’t mention that you do in the letter and I wonder if you ever tell her in person), you have to accept that her whole personal history made her the woman she is today. You shouldn’t want to change anything about her past because doing so could change the woman she is now. But if what you’re feeling is betrayal that your wife led you to believe something that you now have reason to think might not be true, there are lots of good reasons that she may not have shared that she slept with half the town before dating you: 1) because she didn’t (did it occur to you that she was exaggerating her sexual history to her friends because she was drunk and showing off?); 2) because she didn’t want you to judge her; 3) because she knew you’d feel inferior and less experienced and that your ego would be hurt thinking that she had more sexual partners than you’ve had; 4) because the details of her sexual past weren’t and are’t your business.

What is your business is your wife’s feelings about the life you share together now. You seem to think she misses the life and sex she had before you. Is that because you think your life and sex together is stale? Or could it be that life with two kids and the responsibilities and physical changes and loss that one accrues over a twenty-year span takes a toll and often lacks the excitement and the built-in escapes that being young and untethered provide? Life’s challenges, as hard and frequent as they may be the older you get and the deeper into marriage you wade, aren’t insurmountable. Rather than pulling you apart, they can be opportunities to get closer. But you have to talk about them. You have to first admit to yourself what you’re really worried, upset, and hurt about, and then discuss it with your wife in a non-confrontational, non-accusatory way:

The other day, I heard you talking with your friends and, when I realized the conversation was personal, I should have stopped listening. But I didn’t, and I think one of the reasons I didn’t is because I’ve felt like we haven’t been as close lately as we could be and I wondered what you might be sharing with your friends that you aren’t sharing with me or that might give me insight into how you’re feeling. I realize now I should have just asked you. And so I’m asking you now, and I hope you’ll forgive me for not asking you sooner and for invading your privacy by eavesdropping on your conversation. It surprised me to hear things about your past that you’d never divulged to me and it highlighted what, for me, has felt like distance between us. I wonder if you’ve felt it, too.

Thus begins a conversation that will hopefully begin to bring you closer. Because this isn’t about the past. This is very much about the present. And about how your relationship has changed, and about how to reconnect and feel intimate with each other again. And that, more than anything, is not something you should “let go” of.


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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

122 comments… add one
  • Anon April 11, 2016, 9:47 am

    It sounds to me like you’re confusing hyperbole with lying. Your wife told her friends she’d always been upfront with you. I’d bet a lot that if that’s what she’s saying to her closest friends when she thinks you’re not listening, it’s true. Saying, “Oh, I’d have more kids than I could count” is the kind of exaggerated hyperbole people engage in when they’re having a raunchy conversation over drinks. It’s not literally true. It’s a way of talking to your best girlfriends. Your wife said nothing whatsoever to make you think she hasn’t been honest with you, and in fact confirmed that she has.
    Consider looking at this as confirmation of the honest truth she has always given you. Because that’s what she said. Believe her.

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  • juliecatharine April 11, 2016, 9:58 am

    Your wife has always been up front with you. WTF more do you want buddy? Video of every encounter she had and a journal entry of her feelings afterward? How much did YOU disclose to her? Have YOU ever thought/fantasized about something that happened in the past? Unless she has plans to step out (and you don’t even indicate that as a concern) of your marriage what exactly is the problem? Follow Wendy’s advice. Yeesh. Marrying someone doesn’t make you the owner of their past.

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  • Napoleon1066 April 11, 2016, 10:04 am

    You’ve been married for 17 years… if it hasn’t come up as a problem by now, it probably isn’t one.

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    • dinoceros April 11, 2016, 10:31 am

      Yeah, if this is the biggest problem you have after 17 years of marriage, you should probably count your blessings.

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  • Monkeysmommy April 11, 2016, 10:05 am

    This dude needs to grow up. I am a firm believer that unless it impacts the health and well being of a partner (like an STD that could be transmitted), sexual history is OFF the table. This guy is a prime example of why. Your wife being with one man or 80 men doesn’t change who she is. I also suspect the whole “missing her past” thing is in your head. A woman can talk about about the past without longing for it! Personally, I would advise you to keep your mouth shut and say nothing. You’ll just look insecure and also like you are invading her privacy (you didnt inadvertently hear that much- you knowlingly listened in after you heard how juicy the convo was). Why would you want to do that to an otherwise happy marriage?

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    • Will August 8, 2018, 5:54 pm

      Monkeysmommy is so wrong. Every intimate relationship changes you. It makes every future intimate relationship less meaningful. A future spouse has every reason to know exactly what their partner has done and with how many people so they can decide if they are willing to accept the baggage. There is a reason virgins are so atteactive – they don’t bring a sexual past into their marriage..

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      • Ange August 14, 2018, 5:08 pm

        Which is why incels are so attractive ?

      • Sidmass January 28, 2020, 2:09 pm

        I agree—-the whole the past doesn’t matter is complete crap. It’s just a way of making yourself feel better about what you’ve done. Also I’ve noticed it’s mostly women making that comment. I’ve been lied to as well and she still is lying to me although she thinks I believe her. I feel the same way that past sex relationships makes current ones less meaningful. I’m in my 40’s and have been with 4 woman my whole life. All were long term relationships. I know it’s wrong to judge my wife and I don’t make her feel bad but I know there is more she is not telling me and since I was 100 percent honest I feel deceived.

      • ron January 28, 2020, 4:20 pm

        No, past sexual relationships do not make current ones less significant. The significance of a relationship, sexual or otherwise, marriage to fwb, is solely a matter of the quality of that current relationship… unless one member of that relationship is a very jealous, insecure ass. If you are worried about being cheated on, know that there is no relationship between likelihood of cheating and prior experience, unless that prior experience included cheating.

      • Sea Witch January 28, 2020, 6:05 pm

        Are virgins attractive? Many people don’t want a virgin at all because of that lack of experience.
        If the “baggage” hasn’t impacted their marriage in the last 17 years, it’s not going to start impacting it now.

    • Yep April 14, 2022, 3:36 pm

      You’d be hiking up the road, too.

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  • jlyfsh April 11, 2016, 10:17 am

    Isn’t it good that she enjoyed that part of her life? Maybe there are brief moments when life gets hectic that she does miss that single life. But, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you, love her kids and love the life she has now. I can only compare to the times I have spent over drinks with friends reminiscing about the past. And it’s the past it always looks great from this side. It doesn’t mean it was actually as perfect as she was describing it.

    I agree with Wendy that if the real issue is that you feel some sort of disconnect with your wife in general I would talk to her. But, focus on strengthening your marriage now and reconnecting.

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  • keyblade April 11, 2016, 10:18 am

    What a great response from Wendy. So you listened in on your wife’s girl talk over drinks? And you heard her say she was always upfront with you? What is the big bomb, here?

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  • Diablo April 11, 2016, 10:18 am

    What is this letter even about? Why do you care what happened before your wife was with you? My wife has a lot more sexual history than I do, because she’s four years older, started younger, and I met her when I was 22, so i didn’t have a huge amount of experience. She has alluded to it here and there but has also said that she doesn’t want to talk about it much. What would I want to know about this? The only fact I care about is that it was the 80s the last time she was with someone other than me. Story over. Maybe this is about what stories she can share with her girlfriends. On the rare occasion i talk about my “exploits” with my guy friends, I am always talking about something over 27 years ago, because i don’t tell my friends, especially people my wife knows, about OUR sex life, becuz duh! I suppose my friends should infer that I find nothing of any interest in my current sex life and long to return to that adolescent past because I never have anything specific to say about the sexual inclinations of my wife, their friend.

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  • wobster109 April 11, 2016, 10:30 am

    Hmm, at first read the letter sounds abrasive, but I wonder if the difference is entirely communication style. I can see how a person, especially an older man who is not used to expressing emotions(to strangers, may not want to declare love in an internet letter. I think it’s encouraging that he’s wondering how she feels, thinking about whether she enjoys and misses, and wishing they were closer. It sounds like he’ll be open to trying what she wants, whether it’s different kinds of sex or date nights or whatever else.

    LW, you do need to let go of the sexual history thing though. You married someone who likes sex! That’s not such a bad fate.

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  • dinoceros April 11, 2016, 10:30 am

    Nobody owes their partner an extensive description of their dating history. The fact that she has provided you with so much info already is going above and beyond. I think you should just let it go, but if you’re not the type of person who can do that without holding a grudge, then I suppose you should talk with her. But please don’t frame it as though she did something wrong, because she didn’t.
    Also, I feel like you’re projecting this idea that she misses her old life. Tons of people have lots of sex prior to getting married. It doesn’t mean they all miss it. And reminiscing doesn’t mean that either. I talk with my friends about how we used to go out and stay out late. Does that mean I miss it? No, I’m plenty happy now because I grew up and have different priorities. Honestly, I think if you have a conversation with her about it, the sole purpose is going to be seeking reassurance that she loves you and loves her life, even though you should simply believe that because you have no reason to think otherwise.

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    • Donald May 15, 2019, 6:27 pm

      WRONG! If you expect someone to pledge their life to you, you have every right to know any detail of their past. If you are not comfortable sharing your past, maybe you should re-think promiscuity. Your partner is entitled to honesty. If you cannot honestly own up to your sexual past, you have absolutely no business getting married.

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      • anonymousse May 15, 2019, 7:58 pm

        Honesty is one thing. No one owes you a biography of their life. Did you read the third sentence, when he says she always been honest about her past?

        If you’re not comfortable with your past, maybe you should rethink promiscuity? What does that even mean? It’s the last, dude.

      • Sea Witch January 28, 2020, 6:08 pm

        She has “owned up to” her sexual past. It was never a problem before, but now he has a vague “impression” that it was more men than he thought. He has no real proof, just an impression.

  • RedRoverRedRover April 11, 2016, 10:37 am

    I miss my single days, who doesn’t? Being free to do whatever you want, with very little responsibility? Yeah, it was fun! Would I trade what I have right now, my husband and family, to get that back? Hell no! Just because someone enjoyed a part of their life and reminisces fondly about it, doesn’t mean they regret not having it anymore or would prefer going back to it. All that really matters is if she’s happy in her life now. You can find that out just be talking to her.

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  • Addie Pray April 11, 2016, 10:53 am

    I’m really interested in how the LW overheard this. Did he walk by and catch a snippet of it? Was he hiding behind a door and listening to the whole conversation? If the latter, then that’s kind of … creepy, and might be the real issue here, why you felt the need to spy. Just trying to imagine how this actually happened. If I had to guess, LW just heard a snippet here and there and missed the whole conversation and probably took things out of context.

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    • Dear Wendy April 11, 2016, 11:34 am

      I was wondering and thinking the same thing.

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      • Dan July 3, 2017, 11:14 pm

        Wendy what type of qualifications do you have. In my opinion lying in a marriage is not a good quality. If a spouse is more open and honest with their friends then they should not be married. As for disclosing sexual past it would depend on what the other person in the marriage deems as what they need in the relationship. Then the two people need to decide if that is some thing that is required in their relationship. A person’s past does make them the person that they are today but sometimes the past is not always the past and can affect the present. How would th ou like it if you were married to a person who was a rapest and a child molester and you were not told and found out about it later.yi g is lying and breaks trust. A relationship is based on two people getting there needs met and if one person cannot meet or will not meet the others needs and does this in a deceitful manner they are selfish and are in the relationship for themself and not for both people.

      • Dear Wendy July 4, 2017, 4:57 am

        Oh, so you think the couple in this letter decided before marriage that they would share their number with each other, as well as all the details of their sexual histories? Where do you get that impression, because it certainly is not explicitly made, and I’m not sure how else you can make an argument that the wife was being “deceitful” by not sharing all the details of her sexual history with her husband. As for comparing finding out sexual details that your spouse kept secret to finding out that your spouse was a rapist and child molester: I just can’t. I mean, I really can’t. Did you vote for Trump? This seems like the kind of logic Trump-voters might use.

    • dinoceros April 11, 2016, 3:05 pm

      And the whole comment about if she was pregnant every time she had been with someone…like isn’t that true for almost everyone? It makes me wonder if she was trying to make some kind of a point in an unrelated discussion. Like I could see someone saying that if they were talking about current issues like sex ed or abortion or something…

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      • Nunya February 26, 2021, 8:41 pm

        Married for 20 years also. Was told 1 guy as sexual history at first then after 10 years of marriage it changed to 6. What is everyone’s thoughts on this?

      • ron February 27, 2021, 1:05 pm

        What difference could it possibly make. You were presumably happy to be married for 10 years prior to learning this. Presumably you had a good understanding of the person your wife was at the time she told, having 10 years of marriage to get to know. After learning the changed number, you’ve been with her another 10 years, so it means even less now than the nothing it was 10 years ago.

      • Kate February 27, 2021, 3:08 pm

        My thoughts are *who fucking cares?*

        Why is this important?

  • Nicole April 11, 2016, 11:15 am

    He sounds like a jerk to me.
    I’ve had boyfriends like that.
    I didn’t stick around.

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    • JayMan October 23, 2017, 10:36 pm

      Well Nicole – it doesn’t sound like you are worth sticking around for!

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  • va-in-ny April 11, 2016, 11:39 am

    You’ve been together 20 years (married for 17). The time to be confused about “whether [you] should let this go” or not, was 20 years ago.

    Sounds like you’re trying to create an issue where there isn’t one. Is there something else bothering you? Something where you would be looking for a “reason” to be mad at your wife?

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  • Ron April 11, 2016, 11:47 am

    Why are you dwelling upon things which happened over 20 years ago. If your experiences with your wife over two decades aren’t adequate to convince you that you know what you need to know about her, … well, really that’s kind of pathetic and sounds like you are going out of your way to find trouble. I just don’t see what possible significance there would be today between the sexual history your wife gave you and what you now suspect might be the actual reality. She told you that you weren’t the first, or the second, or the third, so if you were taking some super-religous view on female sexuality, you never would have married her. Twenty years later, even if you were right about what you think you heard and even if she wasn’t just bragging beyond her history for the sake of a good laugh with her gfs, what realistic difference would it make if you were actually #15 instead of #5.

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  • T April 11, 2016, 11:52 am

    I think the key here is: “We work in an environment where she knew that it was inevitable that I would meet someone with whom she had been intimate with so she told me about those relationships and I respected her for that.” LW could be worried that guys he interacts with on a daily basis have slept with his wife, but he is left the fool as the only one who doesn’t know. I think in this situation he does have a right to know, and the general policing “you have no right to know about her past” doesn’t apply as clearly.
    But, I don’t think the LW has anything to worry about. Even to her friends, she said that she was open with her husband. She told him about every relationship he needed to know about because of the work issue. With her friends she was either bragging, or maybe she hadn’t told him about some conquests that involved people he would never run into.
    I also think “none of your business” does not need to be the rule for every relationship. If both partners want to know and can handle knowing and agree to share, then I can see feeling betrayed if a partner was not honest. But here I don’t think the LW can truly handle knowing. If he’s torturing himself that his wife may have slept with a couple extra people he didn’t know about 20+ years ago, then he would do best to just assume he knows what he needs to, and try to ignore this.

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  • MissAnneThrope April 11, 2016, 12:14 pm

    To be honest, I think everyone is being a little harsh to the LW here. For starters, with the 20 year relationship, I’d say he’s around his 40s, give or take. I think that fact alone is important, so I’m going to go out on a limb here and say this guy isn’t exactly Wendy’s “target reader.” So, even if it was as simple as “googling” advice columns, the LW is making an effort to find a solution to a marital communication problem. And he did it by what I’m guessing is reaching outside of his comfort zone. AND as far as we can tell, he didn’t immediately confront his wife. So kuddos to you LW, for acting like a mature adult who knows they have an insecurity about something that maybe he or she shouldn’t.

    Secondly, as Wendy started out, take some time to figure out what aspects of this are upsetting to you. Is it that your wife may have lied to you? Are you upset that at some point she didn’t feel like she could trust you 100%? Those are valid concerns.

    If this is a one time thing, then yes, let it go. If its a lack of communication and trust between you two, this can’t be the only example. Work on yourself, and then with your wife, to figure how to communicate better.

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  • Skyblossom April 11, 2016, 3:33 pm

    I don’t think that this is specifically about the number of sex partners but more that she lied about them. He felt that they were both open and honest about their past and he was accepting of whatever she told him and then he finds out much later that she probably wasn’t honest. Maybe he’s wondering if she lied about other things.

    LW Have there been times when someone made a comment that didn’t match what your wife had said and you assumed the other person was wrong? Are you now running through little incidents and wondering if there is a pattern of dishonesty?

    Are you shocked that you were open, trusting and accepting of her past and then find out that she still felt the need to lie to you? Trust is critical to a good relationship and lack of trust is destructive. Do you have any other reason to believe she might not be honest? If not I would let it go. It could be as simple as feeling that no one could accept her if they knew how many partners she really had. Society can be harsh when judging women over their number of sexual partners. If you do have other reasons then you need to start delving into issues. If you do have other things that concern you then you would probably benefit from counseling or at least trying to research how to talk to someone about honesty.

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    • Sea Witch January 28, 2020, 6:10 pm

      Has she lied about them? Where does he say that? She told her friends she’s always been open to him about her past. He has only a vague “impression” that she hasn’t.

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  • cyndi April 11, 2016, 5:17 pm

    oh dude- let it go. We all have secrets. The best thing my hubby ever did was not dwell on the past. Let it go!

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  • kare April 11, 2016, 5:19 pm

    I think most people would have more kids than they could take care of if they had a pregnancy from each sexual encounter. Why do you think the Duggars enlist their older daughters to take care of the younger children?

    Seriously, if someone had one sexual partner before marriage, dated them for say a year and a half and waited six months to have sex, that’s still 104 kids if they had sex twice a week.

    Now if the LW and hi wife are strictly sex for procreation only, I could understand why this revelation is so shocking – it might mean there’s a core difference in fundamental beliefs. But my theory is that the LW is projecting some of his fears about their marriage or his own interest in what else is out there onto his wife.

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  • Anon March 18, 2017, 11:37 am

    Agree with you totally Skyblossom. This has nothing to do with sex or jealousy. It’s 100% about being lied to and broken trust. No more, no less.

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  • A June 27, 2017, 1:00 pm

    No. She lied to him and mislead him. IT is his business as he shares a sexual bond with her. He may not have wanted to marry her had he known she was promiscuous and he has the right to know. Shallow yes but his right. He now has to picture all of these escapades with his 20’year relationship
    Instead of a girl he was dating 20 years ago. It is wrong and she is wrong and she needs to applogiE and regain his trust.

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    • Poppy June 11, 2018, 11:52 pm

      He does have a right know the truth. Did she marry him for security and to “settle down”….is she bored from all the sex she had and gives him his once a week vanilla sex? Pretends she likes it ? Sounds like she thinks about her past and even misses it. This guy’s getting a bum deal. His marriage is based on lies. He had the right to know the truth….if that’s what he wanted. Some don’t want to know and don’t care. That’s OK too. What makes a marriage a marriage is trust and communication. Hard to love someone if you don’t have those things.

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    • Sea Witch January 28, 2020, 6:13 pm

      From the letter:
      “When (we) began dating, she was always open about her sexual past as was I about mine.”
      So where, pray tell, does the lying come in? When did she lie?
      “She explained to her friends that she had always been upfront with me about the men she had been with and how the odds were that I would find out through the grapevine anyway.”
      He only has an “impression” that there were more men than she told him about. A vague, unsubstantiated, unproven “impression”.

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  • Jarrod July 2, 2017, 11:25 pm

    In the guys comment about his wife I have a very true assumption. People lie up to 10 times a day. Now those lies can vary, but don’t think that your wife wasn’t bending the truth to her friends just to tell a story. The whole “lost count” statement is a lie and it’s somewhat easy to believe as a man. Women know their number, but if she has truly lost her count she would be completely different. Her personality is what will link them to the type of sexual person that they are. I’m talking about, is she so free loving and care free that it is in her spirit to sleep with that many guys? Those women are not shy, they will strike up a conversation with anyone and “flirt” is always on there minds. I am dating a girl that gave me the, I’ve lost count answer and I know she was full of it. Where I noticed the lie was in the change of stories. She fell so hard for me during our time of dating so I don’t believe that with her shyness and quick ability to love me that she had the conscious or time to sleep with that many men. I will joke with her and she will get offended, so I know she hasn’t had that many partners, I’m not dumb. I love the girl to death, and I don’t love her just for the sex but if she has been with that many men she would be amazing at sex. I’m talking about blowing your sox off sex. Her lady parts would have apparent damage to them if she had that much sex. It would be so easy for her to have sex with anyone that it would show, and you would know it. So don’t believe from any woman that they’ve lost count. If the are shy or reserved it cannot physically happen, it’s also not in their personality. Take a deep breath, she’s wanting adventure in her life and her friends are assisting her in an exciting fictional story hour.

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    • Ele4phant July 3, 2017, 10:10 am

      There is so much wrong information here I don’t even know where to start.

      And you know women can push small humans through their lady parts and recover, right? So it doesn’t matter how many male penises they’ve encountered, those penis aren’t going to be able to “damage” them.


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      • Kate July 3, 2017, 11:34 am

        sleeping with a lot of guys wouldn’t necessarily make you good at sex either…

        Also, shy and/or insecure women can and do have plenty of sex.

      • ele4phant July 3, 2017, 11:46 am

        True, young straight guys are not known for being excellent at the sex.

        To say nothing of the fact that people have different preferences so you have to “learn” how to have sex with each and every partner you ever have, no matter how many partners you’ve had or how many tricks you learned.

      • Janelle July 3, 2017, 12:56 pm

        Since you are clueless let me help you. Their. Socks.

        Oh and every bit of information on top of that is complete nutso crap. Good luck in life. You will need it.

    • Dear Wendy July 3, 2017, 11:01 am


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      • Sea Witch January 28, 2020, 6:15 pm

        There are some very strange people commenting today. I don’t know where they came from, but either a lot of them crawled out of the woodwork at once or it’s the same person over and over, posting under different names.

      • Dear Wendy January 28, 2020, 6:39 pm

        Not sure what you’re referencing? Only three other people besides you have commented on posts today and only one of those three are newbies.

      • Dear Wendy January 28, 2020, 7:05 pm

        Ok, I see what happened – you are responding to comments that are very old (if you’re reading comments on your phone, you can’t see the dates but this post is several years old and was only brought to the side bar when some guy likely googles “my wife lied about her sexual history,” found this column and commented on it). This happens frequently and the reason the comments sound like they’re all coming from the same person is bc all these men think the same way – that a woman’s value depreciates with the number of sexual partners she’s had (as well as with her age, let’s be honest). They’re gross and, sadly, there are so many of them.

    • ele4phant July 3, 2017, 11:29 am

      The hubris of men and their d*cks. I mean sure, our vaginas are super strong muscles designed to recover after pushing out a baby with a head circumference of 13.5 inches, but we’ll be damaged forever after some regular pounding by your penis that has a circumference of 5 inches.

      Sure. Adds up.

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    • dinoceros July 3, 2017, 11:36 am

      I’m sure a lot of straight women wish that everyone who had a lot of sex was good at it, but alas.

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    • Essie July 3, 2017, 3:54 pm

      Oh, my word, this is hilarious.

      Virtually everything you think you know about women and their bodies is utterly, comically wrong. Please, for the sake of your next girlfriend, do some reading. From reputable sources, not “how to get girls” websites.

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    • Ihearyou December 3, 2019, 10:54 am

      Saying people lie 10 times a day is about as true as you only use 10% of your brain.

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  • Ron July 3, 2017, 10:42 am

    No, he does not have a right to know her number. No, this does not equal ‘promiscuous’. No, having a higher number does not equate to great in bed. It’s possible to have meh, not very good at it, vanilla sex with a gazillion partners. No, many partners does not mean one must be flirty. You don’t like her ‘only’ for sex. That poor woman. I wonder how long it will take her to wise up and dump your ass.

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    • Will August 14, 2018, 4:33 pm

      Sorry, you are wrong. He had every right to know what sexual baggage his wife was bringing into their marriage. You may not care how many men screwed your wife, but many men do. For some of us, one is too many. He was robbed of his right to decide if he could live with her past or if he should have married someone else. He was lied to. He was cheated. And now he is in pain because of his wife’s lies.

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      • Kate August 14, 2018, 5:06 pm

        It’s still not your right to know. You just would want to.

      • Sea Witch January 28, 2020, 6:18 pm

        Robbed of his right??? When did she ever lie about it? He says right there in the letter she was honest from the start.
        “From the letter:
        “When (we) began dating, she was always open about her sexual past as was I about mine.”

        So where, pray tell, does the lying come in?

        “She explained to her friends that she had always been upfront with me about the men she had been with and how the odds were that I would find out through the grapevine anyway.”

        You clearly have issues, and by the way, stop posting under multiple names. You really think we can’t figure out that it’s the same person posting the same thing, time after time?

  • Jay September 13, 2017, 10:50 am

    Wendy, you are incorrect. It matters. When that’s your wife’s mouth and body that you’re kissing and making love to and that is having your babies, it matters. I wouldn’t marry a porn say whose had 1000 men, because it matters. Not out of jealousy or feeling inadequate, obviously if she were with me and wanted marry I must be doing something right and as long as she is faithful there is nothing to be jealous of. It’s just the fact that the number of penises that have been in her mouth and orifices would gross me out as it should. It’s just gross. And don’t tell me that a promiscuous woman isn’t changed mentally and physically to not be able to really enjoy sex in a loving monogamous relationship. I’m a man, and women who have been with less partners are more sensitive physically, women who have been with many partners don’t feel any tingles when touched in erogenous areas. A woman whose been chaste wil quiver or tingle or feel ticklish when touched on her inner thigh or small of her back or kissed on her neck because it’s still exciting to her. Other women who’ve been handled by many men don’t respond the same and are much harder to please given their loss of sensitivity. As a husband it’s not good to have a wife like that. It’s more difficult to have a healthy pleasurable sex life with a woman who is desensitized and who grosses you out.

    Sorry ladies, but having had many penises in you grosses many me out. It makes you undesirable. Just like if I offered you a drink and told you many people have drank from that cup, you wouldn’t want to drink it.

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    • Dear Wendy September 13, 2017, 12:26 pm

      Women don’t “lose sensitivity” as their sexual experience increases! What an ignorant thing to say. You know, it may be that women don’t tingle at your touch because you simply aren’t very good at touching them.

      Also, I hate to break it to you, but when you drink from a glass at a restaurant or bar, that glass has been on the mouth of many, many people before you.

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      • Will August 8, 2018, 6:20 pm

        Ys they do. There is a reason men prefer to marry virgins. Every intimate partner changes you – makes future intimate relationships less special. You have an absolute right to know exactly what your future spiuse has done to decide if you are willing to accept the baggage they bring to the marriage.

      • Will August 14, 2018, 4:35 pm

        They sure as hell do. There is a reason that virgins are so highly prized.

      • Kate August 14, 2018, 5:07 pm

        *Some* men prize virgins. You do. That’s in no way universal.

    • Janelle September 13, 2017, 12:41 pm

      You are clearly very uneducated “ain’t” you. A women’s sensitivity lessens with the amount of men. I am laughing. Babies also come out of women’s butt huh? You sir, are a fool and like Wendy said, likely simply not very good at touching. Perhaps you needed a few more women and more experience on your resume so you can you learn a thing or two.

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    • ele4phant September 13, 2017, 12:44 pm

      Let me ask you this – if it’s true that women lose their sensitivity the more sexual contact they have, what does that mean for a women whose been with one man for decades? Does she lose the ability to enjoy sex with her husband after he’s banged her thousands of times over the years? Or is that somehow different?

      I mean, if you’re claiming that sensitivity loss is a physical process, it shouldn’t make a difference if a woman has sex one time with a 1000 men, or sex with one man 1,000 times, right?

      And do men lose sensitivity over time? I mean, if it’s true for women, why wouldn’t it also be true for men that after time, their d*cks become less sensitive? Or are men somehow different in your mind?

      Maybe we should all just keep our genitals wrapped up in bubble wrap and take them out only on rare, special occasions so we never wear them out. Even the folks that are married and have only been with one person – want to keep them nice and sensitive.

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      • Vathena September 13, 2017, 1:39 pm

        Yeah, I mean, you can’t just be cavalier about the good china. Put it away in the basement and use it for every third Christmas. It might get chipped or even cracked! You need to keep that shit in MINT CONDISH.

      • ele4phant September 13, 2017, 2:32 pm

        Yeah, every fifth anniversary – eat dinner on the good china and have sex.

        Otherwise keep all that stuff stored securely away!

    • RedroverRedrover September 13, 2017, 1:25 pm

      “A woman whose been chaste wil quiver or tingle or feel ticklish when touched on her inner thigh or small of her back or kissed on her neck because it’s still exciting to her. Other women who’ve been handled by many men don’t respond the same and are much harder to please given their loss of sensitivity.”

      Hahahha. I completely believe you that this is your experience. The only part you got wrong is the reason. Experienced women are harder to please because they know how good it can be. They’ve experienced great sex and if you’re not up to snuff, they know it. “Chaste” women have nothing to compare it to, so even if it’s not great they’ll figure that’s all it’s supposed to be. Basically you’ve just outed yourself as a bad lover, lol. So yeah, I totally agree with you, if you’re shitty in bed and don’t want to bother improving, you should marry a virgin who won’t know the difference, hahhahah. Pathetic.

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      • Janelle September 13, 2017, 1:49 pm

        Haha Nice!

      • Dear Wendy September 13, 2017, 2:18 pm


      • Cleopatra Jones September 13, 2017, 6:49 pm

        you should marry a virgin who won’t know the difference
        And then 5 years after marriage, he’s pissed because she’s not swinging off the chandeliers doing gymnastic level sexual acrobatics for his pleasure. He’ll then start cheating because well…’my wife’s doesn’t like sex as much as I do’. ::eye roll::

  • Bittergaymark September 13, 2017, 1:21 pm

    My oh My. Some Str8 men sure do have some full-on batshitcrazy hang ups about women and sex… Yawn.

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    • Janelle September 13, 2017, 1:48 pm

      You have no idea. Exhausting.

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      • Bittergaymark September 13, 2017, 3:07 pm

        Indeed. I can only imagine!!

    • Sea Witch January 28, 2020, 6:21 pm

      It’s the same person posting under multiple names. He isn’t even doing a good job of hiding it.

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  • GLNG2241 September 30, 2017, 2:39 pm

    Wow – lots of comments that I agree and disagree with. When entering a Marriage, Love is not the only binder, Trust – Honesty also is required to love. If one is not truthful then there is no Honesty, without Honesty there is no trust.

    Now some may believe ones past should not matter, but that is an opinion of that person. Not everyone believes the same.

    If you have had a promiscuous past, then be honest to your partner if they ask. It is up to them whether to accept or move on, Lying gets you no where, and when the truth is found out, then the hurt sets in.

    Nothing good comes out of lies

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    • Sea Witch January 28, 2020, 6:21 pm

      Sigh. ONCE AGAIN… she. Has. Not. Lied.

      Reply Link
  • Eric September 30, 2017, 11:22 pm

    After 23 years of marriage my wife finally came clean to me regarding why she didn’t want to have sex in our marriage and why she was cold and disconnected throughout. When we met she revealed on her own that she had only had 3 sexual partners before me. This year she came to me in tears and revealed that the number was over 10 in 3 years and that 6 months before we met she had an abortion that she regretted. She had always told me that she practiced safe sex and she was proud that I was the only man ever ejaculate inside her. My wife revealed to me that due to her horrible emotional state I had suffered the effects.

    When my wife revealed this to me I cried with her. Prior to that we had never cried together in 23 years. She wept for her lost child and lying to me about who she was when we married. She said that I had a right to know how messed up she was at the time of our wedding. I love me wife however I find myself feeling angry that I was deceived.

    For those that say it doesn’t matter about someone’s past I would agree only if that person’s past emotional hurts doesn’t enter your marriage. In my case it did and I suffered many years because of it. If I had known about my wife’s emotional state at the time we met I would have at least put the wedding on hold and insist that she get counseling but I was not given that chance. No one should judge anyone but that has nothing to do with just being honest in the beginning about who you really are.

    Throughout my marriage when I would question my wife about our lack of intimacy she would blame me. Now the truth has come out and I’m not going to divorce my wife however it has devastated me and our trust. Every woman is different however she shared with me that women tend to me negatively effected by past sexual partners and the more she had the harder it was to bond with the next. These were her words not mine.

    It’s like I have to re-learn who my wife is because we are all the sum of our past experiencing.

    My advice is don’t bring past hurts into your marriage/relationships and if you don’t want to reveal your past don’t act like your someone that you’re not. Be proud of who you are no matter what.

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  • Geoff February 3, 2018, 8:59 am

    Now now… let’s not slut shame.. but we can shame a guy for being disappointed that his wife wasn’t as pure as he once thought. Double feministic standard. If she was a slut, then he was defrauded. Like buying a car with 200k, driven hard, when you thought it was almost new. He got robbed. Give the guy a break. He owes her no more respect or truth than he was given, which at this point seems like as little as possible, so she could live the best of both worlds.

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    • Dear Wendy February 3, 2018, 4:47 pm

      Comparing a woman to a car isn’t really the best way to prove a point about a poor men being wronged by women.

      Reply Link
      • Skyblossom February 3, 2018, 6:30 pm

        The entire comparison with the car is to assume you use a woman like you use a car and you can wear out a woman like you wear out a car.

        I believe in honesty but the comparison to a car is pathetic.

      • Ryan April 6, 2018, 12:32 pm

        Missing the point again. I wonder if you are purposefully trying to be obtuse.

        The point, my dear Wendy, is she lied. He was accepting of her no matter what she had to say so why the deception? If f she can deceive him about this, what else has she lied about?

        If the truth bothered him back then, well that was his decision to make, instead she stole that choice from him.

  • Rafael May 27, 2018, 12:14 am

    What a patronizing, aggressive and mainly and inaccurate opinion. But hey, its 21st century, anyone with a blog or Facebook account thinks they are a psychologists and can give relationship advice. Wendy, try cooking, because relationship advice is not your thing.

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    • Dear Wendy May 27, 2018, 7:57 am

      Let me guess – you googled “my site lied about her sexual history,” and found this column and are irate that it wasn’t written by someone who agrees that women should be virgins when they marry, or at the VERY least, disclose all their sexual history and be very apologetic about having one. Fuck you, you sexist prick.

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      • Will August 8, 2018, 6:25 pm

        You are indeed wrong in your attitudes. Saving yourself until marriage is always the best choice. You owe your potential spouse a full accounting of your complete sexual past. If you are unwilling to do so says volumes about your promiscious past.

      • Dear Wendy August 8, 2018, 6:36 pm

        No nonvirgin is heartbroken that you wouldn’t marry her, trust me.

    • Kate May 27, 2018, 8:00 am

      You too, Rafael? Your wife lied about her sexual history, and you feel like you got baited and switched at a used car dealer? Sorry to hear it, man.

      Reply Link
    • JD August 8, 2018, 7:20 pm

      Let me help you solve your problems. No she isn’t enjoying sex with you and no those sounds she makes aren’t orgasms, it is moaning in frustration and distress over how lousy you are in bed.

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    • allornone May 16, 2019, 8:54 am

      Does that mean the guy should save himself for marriage too? Thank god my boyfriend didn’t. I know very little about his sexual past, but he sure learned some good skills during it. God bless those past girls; they’ve made my present brighter.

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  • Gary May 31, 2018, 8:13 am

    ALWAYS, always get the hoefax before you get into a serious relationship, this is your right to do so. That is all!

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    • Kate B. August 9, 2018, 9:33 am

      That applies to the brofax, too. I would very disappointed if I thought I was getting a Ferrari and ended up with a 1920s jalopy in a Ferrari chassis.

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  • Hazel August 8, 2018, 11:56 pm

    well who poked the incel nest with a stick? Get a grip guys, ffs.

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    • Ange August 14, 2018, 5:16 pm

      Right? They’re here all puffed up pretending like they have any sort of options with women.

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  • AF October 28, 2018, 10:10 pm

    Dear Wendy,
    Lovely blog… Still, you have a lot to learn about “Relationship Advice” as I could say is Dear Deidre could do a better job than someone who going full brown feminism here. Before you mention “Trump” No I am not Merican, (I will not relieve my country as I say this “NON of YOUR Business!”
    So “OrangeManIsBad” doesn’t apply to me.
    I may have less experience with relationships, but I do have the common sense to notice that when people are in a relationship, people should share their experience past with them, it how trust is gained. It would be like being told/tricked by a “Mystery figure” – to drink this cup as it contains the fountain of youth, which later it poison that kills. Only because that person believed deeply into the myth.
    As for the foul mouth language… That was lovely, it proved out to me what the type of woman you are who doesn’t like losing an argument with a man and wants to be better and powerful than a man, or more like turn men into a slave to do their desires… Well sorry love… NOT going to happen, I see people equal, no matter what their sex/gender is. As long they are open to their partners about their past relationships. To those and of course you too Wendy(I find your name insult to my grandmother who I look up too and admire and she would look through you like a window.) You also said that it non of men’s business to know about their partners personal past because we have no rights?
    You are right and wrong, it depends if that person wants to share or not, but getting married? That a different level… You should be honest and open about everything to the vow that person makes. for an example in
    Catholic Vows:
    (Catholic Wedding Vows. “I, ___, take you, ___, for my lawful wife/husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part.” “I, ___, take you, ___, to be my husband/wife.)

    Where it says “For Better/For Worse” which means being honestly completely with everything you share with the soul mate for until death do part.

    Not being honestly is like living a black lie for what?
    I do not know as I never been married. So please be a good girl.

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    • Dear Wendy October 29, 2018, 5:21 am

      Oh my.

      Reply Link
      • AF October 29, 2018, 10:14 am

        I’m sorry, what did you say? 🙂
        It seems you are lost of words.

    • JD October 29, 2018, 8:15 am

      Don’t worry, you will never know because you will never be married. Also, reveal and relieve, two different words.

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    • Kate October 29, 2018, 10:17 am

      What’s “brown feminism?”

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    • keyblade October 29, 2018, 10:27 am

      “It would be like being told/tricked by a “Mystery figure” – to drink this cup as it contains the fountain of youth, which later it poison that kills. Only because that person believed deeply into the myth.”

      Is this supposed to be a reference to communion?

      Reply Link
    • ele4phant October 29, 2018, 11:13 am

      Once I read this:

      “I may have less experience with relationships,”

      I disregarded everything else you said. You in fact do not know what you are talking about.

      Also this post is two years old, really seems like you were on a mission to find something to get pissy about and provoke other people for fun. Congrats! You did it!

      Reply Link
  • AF October 29, 2018, 9:59 am

    Wow.. you must be an expert?

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    • Essie October 29, 2018, 10:27 am

      Must be a school holiday today, lol.

      Reply Link
      • Kate October 29, 2018, 10:29 am

        Or someone in jail got hold of a contraband phone.

    • JD October 29, 2018, 10:37 am

      Well lets see, I am happily married and you are bitter and alone. So ya, compared to you, an expert. Also, I know what relieve means. Wow, look at me, two for two.

      Reply Link
  • Tj. Mann February 17, 2019, 12:13 am

    I think the wife had two options. Tell the truth or say it’s none of Your business. I don’t think lying should be an option. There are two practical reasons for this truth approach. First the man has rights also. An active sex life could include HPV, sterilization by clmydia , mental issues from an abortion, etc. the second reason for honesty about the past, is honesty about the present. If she lies about past encounters, what to think about the five hour trip to the mall, or the weekend away with the girls, etc. sorry, truth is always the best policy.

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  • Donald May 15, 2019, 6:20 pm

    She withheld information that had a direct effect on whether or not her husband would marry her. He was deceived. He was denied the right to NOT marry a promiscuous woman. His pain and confusion are entirely justified. He would be justified in seeking a divorce. If he stays with his wife, he will have doubts and flashbacks the rest of his life. I feel for the poor man.

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    • Dear Wendy May 15, 2019, 6:59 pm

      Doubts and flashbacks for the rest of his life, guys!!!

      Reply Link
    • Kate May 15, 2019, 7:26 pm

      Omg are you saying this poor man had a fundamental RIGHT taken away from him? I really can’t imagine.

      Reply Link
    • Kate May 15, 2019, 7:31 pm


      “When began dating, she was always open about her sexual past as was I about mine. We work in an environment where she knew that is was inevitable that I would meet someone with whom she had been intimate, so she told me about those relationships and I respected her for that.”

      Please. He already knew she had been with many men. He married her anyway. And there’s nothing in his letter that shows she wasn’t honest with him. No one denied anyone of his rights.

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  • Allornone May 16, 2019, 8:35 am

    I have no idea how many sexual partners my boyfriend has had. None.
    He has no idea how many sexual partners I’ve had. None.

    Why? Because we don’t care. It never mattered. I never even thought to ask. I know some minor relevant details from some past serious relationships, but I know really only what I need to know. Whatever he’s done before me helped make him the man he is today, a man who after five years, I’m still deliriously in love with.

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    • MP May 16, 2019, 9:03 am

      I really don’t understand why people talk about their “number”, even if they’re religious (I used to be evangelical and born again virgins were a thing because renewal and forgiveness through God). I’ve never heard of a conversation about this kind of history leading to anything positive or good. It’s like asking what the favorite thing about their ex was – it’s unnecessary and can only make things weird!

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      • Allornone May 16, 2019, 10:04 am

        I agree. I legit don’t want to know his sexual history. Not only does it not matter, I don’t need those images in his head. I’m enough of a masochist as it is.

  • Allornone May 16, 2019, 9:01 am

    Wow. I made my last post before I realized this thread is two years old, only to kept being brought back to life my crazy incels. Thank you, Wendy; it was highly entertaining, though somewhat horrifying, to read through all of this.

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  • Ihearyou December 3, 2019, 10:47 am

    All this advice sounds good. SOUNDS good is the key. Not everyone is as enlightened about sex. Not sure about the exact details of course, but it is nice to know about someones past. Sure most people might not care, but apparently he does. Some people might want to know about credit history or education, some might want to know of past infidelity. There is always someone who doesn’t care. If you are reading this post and responding, there is a very good chance you are pretty open minded, but not everyone is; it doesn’t make it less valid that this person wants to know. Obviously he said upfront he does care about sexual history, she knew that; if she had a problem with that she probably wouldn’t have married him, of course that’s not necessarily true, but at the very least she knew it mattered to him. I’m sure it is more than the sex, he may feel lied to. I know many people think that is ridiculous, but the reality is she may have purposely withheld the truth in order to not scare him off. White lie to spare his feelings right? Maybe, I think it depends on the severity of the discrepancy. Did she portray herself as a fairly inexperienced person with sex. The reality, whether you agree or not, that is a selling point for many men. I don’t think it’s any more strange than caring about whether someone used to have a gambling problem. You could argue one is toxic (the gambling), but it is in the past right? We also don’t know if his wife had a sex addiction or not or some of it was infidelity, both have proclivities to occur again. Can you really say the past doesn’t matter at all? That sounds great, but I’m sorry it really does. I personally have a rough past and I can honestly say I have greater struggles than the average person and studies show that the past does have an impact on the future actions of a person. If she felt comfortable telling her friends, why not just tell her husband? Shouldn’t she be able to trust him more? Most people would not care to find out they did not get a clear picture of someones past. Is it fair? No of course not, but a lot of things aren’t fair, but that is not realistic to say it does not play a part in the decision of marrying someone.
    Personally, I am an atheistic hedon, but I am trying to place myself in someone shoes, which is something that few of these responses do. That being said, there is a difference between 20 partners versus 30 and 20 partners and 200. There is a difference than experimenting in college versus coke fueled orgies or multiple threesomes. Its really not fair to either because the past CAN BE indicative of a persons sexual preferences and personal morality as well. Personally I think that this guy may need therapy or look into his sexual hangups, but that is my opinion not gospel.
    Well, thank you for reading this if you got this far, just food for thought.

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  • Sea Witch January 28, 2020, 6:25 pm

    To the guy who has posted multiple times under different names:
    First, you aren’t fooling anyone. We can tell by the wording that it’s the same person every time.
    Second, you aren’t really bolstering your case by comparing women to cars and pieces of equipment.
    Third, the only reason *some* men value virgins is because virgins can’t compare them to other men and realize how what lousy lovers they are.

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  • Buck October 31, 2021, 6:04 pm

    I was never sexually active before I married. I also went to great lengths to find a wife who’s respect for herself was equal to mine. She told me that she had never had sex before and I took her for her word. Twelve years and four kids into our marriage she did some counseling for other health issues and with her therapist brought out a whole bunch of ghosts and goblins. Her therapy required her to tell me the truth about her sexual past or the issues would continue to haunt her. She told me about her lies about other men and loss of her virginity before we married. It nearly destroyed our marriage. It turned our marriage into a union more resembling a business relationship. She told me she lied because she wanted to marry me and knew it would be over if she told me the truth. I love her as much as I ever did. I have forgiven her for lying to me, but I will have to carry the feeling of being cheated all the way to my grave. I had to learn to be intimate with her all over again. It is a different kind of marriage than the one I started out with. I have endured dreams and nightmares for over 35 years, seeing her with other men. Don’t ever lie about your sexual past. It can ruin your marriage.

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    • Kate October 31, 2021, 6:37 pm

      You’re so brave. Never give up.

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      • Ange October 31, 2021, 7:21 pm

        LOL. Amazing.

  • Robert Johnson January 7, 2022, 7:32 pm

    The bottomline is she is keeping a secret in marriage and just about every good marriage therapist will tell you that is one of the 5 top reasons for divorce. How do you trust someone who keeps secrets and it doesn’t matter when they happened. If he wants to know she should tell him if he doesn’t care to know then that is fine. It works in both directions. When some of it includes coercion or rape it can definitely effect the marriage when the recalls start happening or the disassociation or shame which comes out as anger but the only receiver of that anger is the spouse because the raper is long gone.

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    • Kate January 7, 2022, 7:46 pm

      *rapist. Not raper. Lawd.

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  • Caleb January 20, 2022, 9:33 pm

    I don’t think your real issue is her sexual past. You overheard her and there is a discrepancy in the stories. You stated she was honest previously but by her own words she has contradicted herself.

    The real issue is honesty. It’s NOT insecure to challenge someone’s integrity when in doubt. You should respectfully confront her on the issue of which story is true. If you don’t the challenge for you may not be so much as to her previous sexual appetite but as to why she lied about it. A conversation may reveal a simple answer as maybe the audience or booze influenced her new story line. Or it may reveal real relationship issues that otherwise would go unanswered if not identified.

    If integrity is not the issue but rather a sense of insecurity in your sexual relationship with your wife, then you may need to put your emotions in check. She’s given you no reason to doubt her fidelity, but perhaps honesty.

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