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She insists that she only wants to open it up on her end, and has accused me of being selfish. She keeps saying that, “If you truly love someone, you want the best for them even if it’s not with you,” basically arguing that I should stay monogamous because that would make her happy while she isn’t monogamous. And I understand the beauty of selfless love, but it also doesn’t make sense to me.
It feels like she’s accusing me of being selfish for being sad that she doesn’t want to be with me as much as before, and for wanting to try and adjust my feelings accordingly. It mattered to me (i.e. it made me so happy) to know that she wanted to be with me and that we were together, and I don’t understand how I am being “selfish” when those things matter to me in the breach, too? How could they not? I don’t get it, and it has my head in knots.
Am I unreasonable for taking my stance? Am I being “selfish” (negative connotation) for doing so? — How To Open Up
You’re wife is the one who is being selfish and unreasonable. She doesn’t want an “open marriage”; she wants permission to cheat (aka, she wants you to be a “cuckold”). Fuck that noise. I’d be one thing if you were game – hey, this is a fetish for some folks – but you aren’t. You aren’t even really into the idea of an open marriage. You two want different things, she doesn’t respect you, she’s selfish and manipulative: Is this even a marriage worth fighting for? If so, get ye both to couples counseling, stat, and see if and where there’s room to repair things.
You might consider him your “true love,” but by definition, this is a love that is shared between two loving, committed-to-each-other partners, and that does not describe you. If it’s any consolation, his spouse isn’t his true love either, apparently. For your mental well-being, move on from this “best friendship” and find someone else to hang with. This guy is playing you, and no good will come from this relationship.
I think you’re wrong to gauge someone’s feelings for you – after almost six years together! – on what kind on birthday card he got you, yes. Does he make time for you? Does he plan dates? Does he confide in you? Do you trust him? Do you enjoy each other’s company? Does he plan future adventures with you? Does he do little things for you and make you feel special and loved? Does he *tell* you he loves you? Does he compliment you on your talents and your intellect and the way you look? Does he initiate physical intimacy with you? Is he receptive when you do? Does he listen to you when you talk about things and show you how he’s listening by asking follow-up questions or remembering details you’ve shared with him in past conversations? Does he laugh with you and smile at you and, in general, make you feel like he likes you?
If you’re answering yes to all or most of thee questions, then quit worrying about some silly card. Some people aren’t great at selecting them, who cares. If you answered no to most or all of these questions, move on because not only does the guy not love you, but also it doesn’t sound like he even likes you very much.