Three months ago, my sister (25) met a guy (30) through a blind date and apparently hit it off. I met him and didn’t like him. He wasn’t an interesting person. He seemed entirely too comfortable in my sisters’ apartment where I was temporarily staying. He put his bare feet up on the coffee table, which I found gross and disrespectful. And he really didn’t speak to me. He was so into my sister, but he didn’t ask me anything about myself, which I thought was disrespectful. A few days later they were “in love.” I later found out (through our other sister) that soon after they met, he got a biggish tattoo on his chest that was associated with her and she got a small corresponding tattoo. I find this crazy.
A month after they met, they got engaged. I cried when I found out. They had an engagement party in our hometown and I truly didn’t want to go. I had to take a plane trip to be there for one night. It seemed stupid. I told my sister I didn’t want to go, but she kept asking me to, so eventually I just went. Luckily, I had a date to it. If I hadn’t had a date, I honestly wouldn’t have gone.
My family is close and I find it incredibly repulsive and disrespectful that this guy now feels he is part of it. We have another sister and I know she doesn’t like him, either. He’s just so lame. I’ve hung around them a bunch of times and I have never heard anything unique or interesting come out of his mouth. He is very superficial. He loves shopping (which I find weird in a straight man).
It makes me sad and a bit troubled because I love my sister and I don’t want this to affect us. Lately, I’ve hardly been spending any time with her. Soon after I met her fiancé, she even asked me if I liked him and I was honest and said no. Every time I see him, I like him less. He just annoys me. I find him very presumptuous and disrespectful.
Recently, he did something that really pissed me off. We were talking about dogs and he said he wanted a french bulldog (how original; every guy wants that dog) and I said I would tell him what kind of dog I wanted, but he had to promise he wouldn’t want it. It’s not a common breed. Well, recently, I was at their house, and I overheard that he wants the dog that I want. I immediately got very angry. Apparently, my face turned red. I told him he better not get that dog. He is so pathetic! What is wrong with him?! I’m not going to be seeing him again if I can help it. What is your objective advice? — Uncommon Breed
You use the word “disrespectful” three times in your letter to describe your sister’s fiancé, which is ironic since it’s a word that could just as easily be used to describe the way you’ve treated him and his relationship with your sister. Most of his “offenses” — being comfortable in his girlfriend’s home, liking to shop, and getting a tattoo associated with someone he likes — aren’t offenses at all, but completely harmless aspects of his personality you’re uncomfortable with for your own personal reasons. Yes, failing to engage you in conversation is “lame,” but after getting a taste of your attitude toward him, I have to wonder if he wasn’t just protecting himself from further judgment or harassment.
As for him wanting a dog that you also want, regardless of how “uncommon” the breed is, all I have to say about that is: grow the hell up. Neither one of you said you were actually going to get the dog — just that maybe you’d like to one day. And so what if you both got the same kind of pet? For someone who’s accusing another person of being “very superficial,” you certainly seem to liken dogs — living, breathing beings — to accessories you hope make you stand out.
As mean and juvenile as your letter was, the part that stood out the most was when you said you wouldn’t have gone to your sister’s engagement party if you hadn’t had a date. And her fiancé is the pathetic one? Unbelievable.
Look, we’re not always going to like or connect with the people our friends and loved ones end up with. That’s just a fact of life. Does that have potential to make future get-togethers less fun? Sure. But it isn’t about us. We’re not the ones who will spend our lives with those significant others, and what matters most is not that we have a good time with them or feel comfortable in their presence, but that they make our loved ones happy — that they treat them well, respect them, and have the ability to make their lives more rewarding. Nothing in your letter indicates that that isn’t the case with your sister’s fiancé, so my suggestion is to suck it up, quit being a big baby, and deal with the fact that your sister is in love and planning to spend her life with this man. If you want to be part of that life, quit acting like a brat and celebrate the love your sister has found, even if the man she’s found it with isn’t someone whom you’d pick for her. If you’re so sure you can find someone better, focus your energy on finding him for yourself. Reading between the lines here, it seems like that’s what would truly make you feel better about your sister’s upcoming marriage.
*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at [email protected] and be sure to follow me on Twitter.
leilani March 6, 2012, 9:03 am
Wow. Grow the eff up.
Pete February 17, 2017, 5:55 pm
That’s bullshit! Your telling her she’s the pethetic one. I’m in a very similar situation. Why the fuck is ok for someone to get the same dog as you after you told them your getting one? It’s not!!! You have a right to be unique and when someone tries to take that from you you have all the right to be angry. Wendy your clearly an ass who’s divorced… when you “marry” your marrying the family and all involved. Dating and just being in love and togeather is different! So no she doesn’t have to grow up! You need to start learning what effects people. It’s not always about the people in relationships… fuck them if there happy and making everyone else in there life’s miserable and don’t recognize it and only care about there happyness. Married people are pethetic. Love is a short term emotion! Never forget that! It’s the same as getting a new car!!!
The_Yellow_Dart March 6, 2012, 9:10 am
I’m curious about the LW’s age. That might explain a lot…
The_Yellow_Dart March 6, 2012, 9:12 am
And Wendy’s advice is spot on as usual…
silver_dragon_girl March 6, 2012, 9:12 am
I’m guessing 16, from this sound of it.
Leroy March 6, 2012, 9:20 am
That is so DISRESPECTFUL! – and totally repugnant and unoriginal, because I was wondering exactly the same. The LW is all about RESPECT. DO NOT show her your bare feet!
The_Yellow_Dart March 6, 2012, 9:59 am
CG March 6, 2012, 9:43 am
I’m getting the feeling this letter isn’t real. It’s just too over-the-top with the “He is so pathetic!” and “What’s wrong with him?!” I think, or at least I hope, Wendy got a super-early April Fool’s letter.
Budj March 6, 2012, 9:45 am
I wondered the same thing…
Samantha March 6, 2012, 12:22 pm
I’d agree with both CG and Budj about it being fake, except that I’ve met a person or two like this. Wendy’s advice was great, and I hope the LW takes it to heart. Otherwise, living life being that judgmental could become exhausting.
Jiggs March 6, 2012, 10:02 pm
Yeah, my first thought was “this LW is clearly a teenager”. If not, she needs some serious therapy.
Emma March 7, 2012, 2:24 am
For some reason, I was sure that this letter was written by a male. Am I the only one who thinks the writing seems to be coming from a guy? (Not dissing guys or anything, just think the style and wording seems like it was written by a man.)
Jiggs March 7, 2012, 3:14 pm
I don’t know, I read it as female. Especially the dog thing, “don’t copy meeeeee!” being such an intense touchpoint of growing up female in my experience. YMMV, though.
Iwannatalktosampson March 6, 2012, 9:13 am
Wow you seem really petty. He’s not interesting enough for you? No big deal, you’re not marrying him. He wants the same dog as you? What a jerk! This reminds me things girls do in high school – like ugh I used to be obsessed with victoria secret lip gloss and now she wears it allll the time – she’s like sooooo obsessed with me.
Clearly you haven’t given this guy a chance – but if your family is as close as you say they are you might want to try your very very hardest to find at least one thing you like about him or you risk alienating your sister.
And by the way for all the name calling you throw around about him – presumptuous, annoying, gross, disrespectful – I can think of equally as many bad names to call you at the moment. But I won’t. I just really hope you work on getting your own life so you don’t get your panties all in a bunch about this.
Oh and really? The deciding factor in going to your sisters engagement party was that you had a date? Quality.
Iwannatalktosampson March 6, 2012, 9:24 am
Ugh I didn’t see Wendy answered this one before I did and I like totally copied her. I hope she’s not mad.
utopiaballroom March 6, 2012, 9:41 am
That’s so DISRESPECTFUL!
lets_be_honest March 6, 2012, 12:03 pm
I’m honestly wondering if the LW even knows what any of those words mean that she used to describe him.
I’m actually disappointed this was such a joke of a letter because I was hoping for some good insight on how to deal with my sister’s long term boyfriend who I hate because he actually is a jerk. If I had enough coffee, I’d describe what a real jerk is to the LW.
JB March 6, 2012, 12:08 pm
I also was hoping for Wendy’s insight on dealing with someone who is actually a jerk. My little sister is living with and soon-to-be engaged to someone that the whole family severely dislikes. Disappointed in the LW for such superficial reasons to dislike someone.
6napkinburger March 7, 2012, 1:12 pm
I agree with this hope. My cousin is marrying someone who sucks at life. In most ways. I’m happy she’s happy but I am so disappointed for her — she is smart and hilarious and he is… boorish and blah. Not “blah” in the quiet and contimplative way that she needs to allow her to shine and offers her amazing support and love, and is secretly hilarious when they are alone. Nope, not that. He is immature and tries to be funny by insulting people and is going nowhere in his career and brings up awkward and controversial topics at OUR family events because he thinks its entertaining to watch on and on, and I just am sad about it.
I know in my case, there isn’t anything I can do and I will just have to suck it up and get over it. But I truly am disappointed FOR her because I feel like she is missing out on this potential amazing life she could have had with someone better matched because she feels like she has to get married RIGHT NOW (her two sisters did, last year and the year before and her family loves to joke that its “her turn”). So sometimes the feeling isn’t petty; its a legitimate reason to feel disappointed. (Though not necessarily a legitimate reason to do anything else other than feel.) And dealing with that (and succeeding in keeping your mouth shut) sucks.
Just Max March 6, 2012, 9:14 am
evanscr05 March 6, 2012, 9:23 am
That was my thought when I finished reading it. Most. Ridiculous. Letter. Evah.
Just Max March 6, 2012, 9:35 am
I know! I’m still scratching my head over this one. :-/
Moneypenny March 6, 2012, 6:05 pm
That is *exactly* what I kept saying to myself as I was reading!
JK March 6, 2012, 9:15 am
Thank you Wendy!!!
This letter reeked of envy/jealousy: LW, instead of looking for every “defect” you can in your sister´s fiance, why not try looking for someone yourself?
That being said, I totally agree that it sounds like this r/ship is going WAY too fast (engaged at 1 month???)
Jessibel March 6, 2012, 10:32 am
Haha, this letter kept making me think of one of those hilarious e-cards I saw, you know the ones with the old timey drawings? It said something like “When you hate someone, everything they do is offensive. Like, look at that b- over there eating crackers like she owns the place!” She hates him for reasons that have nothing to do with what she wrote in about, the annoyances are just symptoms of the hate. He obviously loves her sister and their life seems like a fairytale right now, right? This letter reeked of jealousy (the tell? How she said she wouldn’t have gone to the engagement party if she hadn’t had a date.) She wants what her sister has, and this guy embodies it, and she hates him because of that. Thus, anything he does is going to annoy her and make her hate him more.
Oh, and by the way LW? You obviously asked someone to be your date to the party, so don’t act all like you were FORCED to go just because you had a date. Look, this might be happening too fast and you’re sister’s gotten caught up in it. I’ve known people who’ve gotten married after a few months and they’ve been happily married many years. I’ve also known people who have gotten married after a few months and it crashed and burned gloriously. We’re all hoping that your sister’s case is the former. But if it’s the latter, you can’t pull an “I told you so.” She’ll be in enough pain and be embarrassed enough. She’s an adult and she knows what she’s doing, and if she makes a mistake, she makes a mistake. You have to let her make it. Then you support her because you’re her sister, and you love her. Also, maybe his wanting the same type of dog as you was his attempt to become closer to you, did you ever think of it that way? And you know, hating someone for what type of dog they want is super judgemental and kind of mean. I’ve also never known a guy who actually wanted a French Bulldog, so I don’t know where you’re getting the idea that every guy in the world wants one.
rachel March 6, 2012, 10:45 am
Haha, I think your e-card reference is spot on. And I thought the same thing about the dog. French bulldogs are a small breed – I would in fact say that most guys wouldn’t pick that dog.
GatorGirl March 6, 2012, 11:04 am
“When you hate someone, everything they do is offensive. Like, look at that b- over there eating crackers like she owns the place!”
Love that e-card and it is so spot on for this letter!
emjay March 6, 2012, 5:37 pm
I was thinking jealousy too. But in the aspect that the sister found someone and the LW has not. Or that the LW really is jealous thatshe didn’t find this guy first so she is coming up with stupid reasons not to like him. Jealousy is the green eyed monster! And this girl reeks of it!
LTC039 March 6, 2012, 9:23 am
There was nothing in the letter than gave any concrete, legitimate reasons as to why this guy is as horrible as you think he is. Yeah, I think it’s a bit crazy that they got engaged a month after they met & got matching tattoos, but unfortunately it’s done. It is what it is. Yes you may hate the guy (for w/e unclear reasons) but that’s who your sister is happy with. If you love your sister then you need to accept him. He makes her happy & newsflash SHE is the one marrying him, not you. You just need to focus that.
I think all the other points in your letter were vague & a little immature. So he out his feet up on the coffee table? OK? Yeah, maybe in most conventional social behaviors that is a little rude, but that is not a legitimate reason to hate the guy. If he was verbally/physically abusive, or a cheater, or any other aspect in that realm, then ok, I’d get you. But he chose the breed of dog you want? Millions upon millions of people have the same breeds of dogs & just bc he changed his mind to what you mentioned, does not prohibit you from getting the dog.
All I got from this letter is he’s not very social, but again, not a reason to hate him.
Regardless, he is part of your family now. Your sister has chosen to marry him & there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it. SO suck it up, be happy for your sister (just for the mere fact that she is happy at this point) & let it go.
Stop being so petty & look at the bigger picture… If you don’t you WILL screw up your relationship w/ your sister bc at the end of the day, she WILL choose him over you.
ReginaRey March 6, 2012, 9:24 am
LW – The problem I perceive with your letter isn’t that you don’t have some valid concerns; it’s that all of you valid concerns are going to be forgotten amid all of the totally immature, nasty and pretty pointless thoughts you have about your sister’s fiance.
If my sibling were to get engaged to someone they’d only been dating for a month, I’d be pretty concerned, too! I’d be very worried that they hadn’t had enough time to get to know someone before committing to spending their lives with them. I’d be very concerned that they hadn’t discussed things that are crucial to a marriage – finances, children, values, morals, etc. – and that they hadn’t known each other long enough to develop the kind of solid foundation necessary to weather through difficult times; or to simply just understand how to best communicate with each other. I’d be very worried that they were punch-drunk on the *feeling* of love, and that they hadn’t given it time to see if it was a lasting love, or just the excitement of new love making them act prematurely.
And if I were having those feelings, I’d have sat my sibling down and calmly and rationally explained why I was concerned. I might not expect my words to have much impact, but I would try, anyway, without being too accusatory.
But the issue is, you’ve completely dashed any chance you had of actually making some valid points to your sister and her fiance…by complaining about her engagement party; by arguing with him over a dog; by criticizing his tattoo and the fact that he isn’t interesting enough for your tastes. You know, maybe he IS boring. Maybe you find him disrespectful and annoying. Maybe you think the whole relationship is ridiculous and you’re secretly hoping it implodes. But there are certain things you can say, and certain things you can’t. By saying the things you shouldn’t be saying, you completely ruin your credibility in saying the things that DO matter.
Your first concern from here on out should be your sister’s welfare. Does he treat her well? Is the relationship healthy? Abandoning her because you don’t like her fiance won’t do her or you any good if eventually she wants out…and doesn’t have you to turn to. Don’t burn a bridge with your sister over this. Learn how to be supportive even if you can’t agree with her; and learn when to open your mouth…and when to keep it closed.
Addie Pray March 6, 2012, 9:33 am
I wonder if one day I am going to be sick of your perfect comments. I doubt it but it’s possible. I’ll let know if/when that happens.
delilahgem March 7, 2012, 5:07 pm
Morgan March 6, 2012, 9:45 am
Yeah, LW, this. I was basically going to say the same thing, so consider all the above seconded. There are problematic things about your sisters relationship. His taste in dog breed is not one of them.
One thing I did wonder. LW, you mention you were temporarily staying with your sister, when she met this guy, but now you aren’t seeing her very often. I think a big part of this is probably jealousy. You two used to be super close, but now there’s this new guy. Remember that right now your sister is wrapped up in this bubble of new love, added with the bubble of newly engaged. She hasn’t replaced you. As you both get older your relationship will change, but it doesn’t have to change for the worse. You need to seriously get over yourself to avoid that, though.
Guy Friday March 6, 2012, 9:50 am
I don’t disagree with you, except for one point: I don’t get from the letter that this LW has any issue with her sister getting engaged after one month, but just that she has an issue with her sister getting engaged to HIM after one month. And I think that’s what bothers me most about this letter: that she honestly doesn’t seem to have any actual issue with the guy beyond just hating him for the sake of hating him.
I’d be VERY interested to find out the age of the LW and the non-engaged sister, because I think I would be a lot less annoyed with the LW if she was, say, 15-16 as opposed to college-aged. As a teenager, she may not know any better; as an adult, I’d kind of want to verbally slap her upside the head for being this petty.
ReginaRey March 6, 2012, 9:54 am
Yeah, you’re right…it’s like she doesn’t even know what she really SHOULD be concerned about, and only focuses on the superficial, which is something I’d expect if she were a teenager.
Addie Pray March 6, 2012, 9:56 am
I think that’s the point – if the LW has concerns about the marriage, it should be about things like them getting engaged after 1 month. Maybe at the core that is what is bothering this LW but it’s bubbling up in these silly petty points. Kind of like when you’re really upset with someone and you go off on something that is really not the issue… I think sometimes people have a hard time even understanding what their real issue is – they are just overcome with frustration/anger/sadness that they lose sight of what is really at issue. And I think Regina’s comment is probably the most constructive because it will help real in the LW and try to focus on the core issues that is troubling her. I mean, surely it’s not the fact that he is talking about getting a French bulldog…
Addie Pray March 6, 2012, 9:59 am
oh wait, it’s not the french bulldog she’s upset about, it’s the dog she wanted of the very special breed. regardless, surely it’s not about these petty points and there’s something bothering LW that runs deeper…. or not, she could be 13.
Budj March 6, 2012, 10:03 am
I also notice she didn’t tell US what this special breed was so we can’t steal it either…dammit…I must know…
Addie Pray March 6, 2012, 10:05 am
If she’s smart, that very special breed will have some fluffy chow in it.
Morgan March 6, 2012, 2:27 pm
I’m rooting for Tibetan Mastiff, just for the added ridiculousness value of being an unreasonably expensive breed.
Also they look like a lion and a bear had a baby. So there’s that.
lets_be_honest March 6, 2012, 2:31 pm
Well, I just adopted every Tibetan Mastiff in existence. In. Your. Face.
katie March 6, 2012, 7:58 pm
gah!! beat me to it, budj! haha
jlyfsh March 6, 2012, 10:15 am
sadly guyfriday i’m going to guess she’s at least in college. she mentions flying home to her hometown for the engagement party. i doubt someone who was young enough to be living at home would phrase it that way.
and i agree with both you and RR at the same time. it does seem like she’s more upset that it’s him she’s moving so fast with, rather than the fact that the relationship is moving so fast in general. it is odd that she didn’t once say anything about the way the fiance treats her sister. which you would think would be important to someone who is really close to their sibling. that was the most important thing to me when my sister married her husband. we’re not exactly best buds but he treats her wonderfully. which in the end should matter more than how interesting and not lame he is.
kittyk March 6, 2012, 1:23 pm
Oh you said it RR! I was thinking the exact same thing- if she had written in concerned for her sister rushing into a relationship and getting engaged after one month- Wendy could have given her some legit advice (though the the advice given is very legit) on how to balance her concerns personally and whether they’re worth expressing to her sister. Advice on how to put her worries aside and just be happy and supportive of her sister even if this is a big mistake.
But no, LW is concerned with this guy feeling comfortable, not being very chatty, and wanting the same dog as her?!? All petty concerns, totally missing the big picture here.
evanscr05 March 6, 2012, 9:24 am
Um, LW, are you 12 or something? Grow the hell up and stop acting like a selfish little brat.
“quit being a big baby” – LOVE this, Wendy!
sarolabelle March 6, 2012, 9:42 am
I think if the LW is 12 then we should all be a little nicer and show her how grownups should act and how a little “respect”
jlyfsh March 6, 2012, 10:04 am
i think anyone who takes a plane trip to their hometown is more than likely very much an adult. what’s sad is she’s still acting like she’s 12.
evanscr05 March 6, 2012, 10:13 am
camille905 March 6, 2012, 9:25 am
This sounds like major jealousy to me. If he treats your sister well and makes her happy, there is NO reason for you to be unhappy. Just because you don’t like him doesn’t give you the right to treat your sister so badly. You will end up alienating your sister if you keep up this behavior. I understand you may think they’re rushing it but that still doesn’t give you the right to judge.
Addie Pray March 6, 2012, 9:27 am
I’ve never understood that jealousy thing where one person declares first that they like X and everyone else is banned from ever getting X. I mean, why is it that you cannot have two X’s? Especially if you like X’s so much, I would assume the more the merrier. Two French bulldogs in the family sounds better than one French bulldog if you ask me! Are you afraid people will think you’re “copying” your brother in law? I’m having flashbacks to 5th grade when my friend Becca apparently bought exclusive rights to Swatch pop watches. I’m sorry, biatch, I got it for Christmas. Take it up with Santa.
ktfran March 6, 2012, 10:18 am
Personally, I prefer O’s.
Addie Pray March 6, 2012, 10:20 am
That’s so unoriginal.
JK March 6, 2012, 10:24 am
I mean what woman doesn´t want Os? You´d better not say that you want them now, promise?
camille905 March 6, 2012, 3:21 pm
But I really want some O’s!
ktfran March 6, 2012, 10:27 am
lets_be_honest March 6, 2012, 12:20 pm
Jebus Christmas I love you Addie. I literally LOL’d at this. People in my office think I’m weird now.
Addie Pray March 6, 2012, 2:22 pm
I’m trying to “like” this multiple times but it’s only letting me thumb up you once. Just in case you were wondering why you didn’t already have 100 likes. 😉
ChemE March 6, 2012, 9:27 am
Is this real? I mean you don’t like him because he likes the same dog? Because he didn’t spend his time engaging you and focused on your sister in conversation?
bethany March 6, 2012, 9:28 am
Perfect advice, Wendy!
I read something years and years ago that said that things we dislike in others are often things that we dislike in ourselves– To me it sounds like you’re projecting your issues onto this guy. You think he’s disrespectful? It sounds to me like you’re being disrespectful. It sounds like you’re being jealous and spiteful, too. You think he’s lame, but really, it sounds to me like you’re the lame one, and you’re threatened by him. Grow up.
Buzzelbee March 6, 2012, 9:29 am
I can actually relate to one part of this letter. When my brother and his fiance came to my parent’s house to visit at the same time I was there I thought she was way to comfortable there and trying to take over and it really rubbed me the wrong way. I realized this was probably silly and I talked to my husband about it and quickly realized I was so annoyed because my in-laws had treated me horribly for a long time and I was jealous of someone who seemed to be fitting right in with theirs and felt she wasn’t paying her dues. I didn’t want my family to be horrible to her at all and it was just my issue. Once I realized what it was all about my feelings towards her changed.
So my advice is to realize what this is triggering in your history or current situation, because it isn’t fair to put your issues on someone who makes your sibling happy.
crazyayeaye March 6, 2012, 9:32 am
Love this advice, Wendy!
Heather March 6, 2012, 9:34 am
Yeah, as much as I acknowledge they’re probably moving too fast etc. you are WAY overreacting LW. I’m sorry to be so harsh but your letter just screams juvenile. Grow a pair of lady balls and act like a woman, not a snobby little girl.
EricaSwagger March 6, 2012, 9:36 am
Hahah wow this letter was just awful. I’m going to guess right now that maybe one person out there has anything positive to say to this LW.
The only thing I wanted to point out was that whenever a troubled fiance writes in and mentions that she met her fiance and got engaged within a few months, everyone seems to tell her ‘yes, that is probably too soon.’ So I understand why this LW may be concerned about her sister jumping into things. However, concern is not at all what she’s showing by her ridiculously childish behavior.
sarolabelle March 6, 2012, 9:37 am
If I had to read the word “disrespectful” again I was going to scream!
JK March 6, 2012, 9:40 am
That´s a bit disrespectful, don´t you think? 😀
vizslalvr March 6, 2012, 9:41 am
Regardless of whether or not you like this guy, your sister is MARRYING him. She is, hopefully, going to be spending the rest of her life with him. You need to learn how to get along with him, and it’s probably going to take some effort on your part. In life, we all have to spend time with or get along with people who may not be our favorite person ever. Suck it up, put on a smile, and make the time you spend with your sister and her fiance as pleasant as possible for all of you. If you continue to act like a brat around your sister’s future husband, you are going to damage your relationship with her severely and perhaps irrevocably.
And as for the dog thing – take it as a compliment. I, too, have a somewhat unique dog breed. My mom is currently shopping for a vizsla and I have several friends who have them on their short list for breeds because my dog (and by proxy, my taste) is just that fricking awesome.
lets_be_honest March 6, 2012, 12:23 pm
I hate to tell you this, but I got a vizsla like 3 weeks before you. Wanna-be.
vizslalvr March 6, 2012, 1:11 pm
I no longer have any self-worth.
Budj March 6, 2012, 9:43 am
face ————-> palm
You are failing to see you have made this about you…this isn’t about your sister at all. That is what I would consider selfish and disrespectful. When you get a little older you may gain a perspective that when you hate someone..EVERYTHING they do is offensive…let it go…get to know him and apologize to your sister. If he treats your sister right and she is happy that is all that matters and maybe you would see your sister more if you would pull the oar out of your ass and try to be supportive of her decisions.
Oh and MOST people that give a shit about other people in their life would be happy / complimented to hear their choice of dog breed swayed someone else’s choice of dog breed (that is just to say you are thinking very pettily about this whole thing)…and for the record I don’t know any men that want to get a french bull dog.
oppositeofzen March 6, 2012, 9:49 am
Not sure how I missed your comment, but I thought the same thing about the French bulldog.
MsBorgia March 6, 2012, 9:57 am
Really? We’re all talking about French bulldogs? How ORIGINAL.
dabbler March 6, 2012, 9:59 am
Haha, I had the same thought about the guys and French bulldog thing.
What jumped out at me the most was that comment, plus the obsession with everything being “original” and “unique.” I’m betting she’s a hipster. 🙂
Budj March 6, 2012, 10:06 am
All this talk of middle schoolers wanting their “likes” to be unique and original has made me make a hilarious comparison to the “I created the band wagon and jumped off it when everyone else got on” mentality that a lot of hipsters have…
dabbler March 6, 2012, 10:12 am
Exactly! My dog breed is more obscure than your dog breed… Or like that t-shirt that says “I listen to bands that don’t exist yet.”
dabbler March 6, 2012, 10:23 am
Or she could just go this route:
bethany March 6, 2012, 11:05 am
That was awesome.
TaraMonster March 6, 2012, 11:40 am
Actually Napoleon Dynamite totally owns the rights to pet llamas.
Pet llamas are soooo 2004.
Morgan March 6, 2012, 12:07 pm
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
(wait for it)
You wouldn’t know. It’s a really obscure number.
bethany March 6, 2012, 4:50 pm
Addie Pray March 6, 2012, 5:00 pm
I love this! I really hate hipsters. What I hate most about them is how they all deny being hipsters.
oppositeofzen March 6, 2012, 3:36 pm
Q:Why did the hipster burn his mouth at dinner?
A:Because he didn’t want want his pizza to get cool before he ate it.
Kalipso March 6, 2012, 6:38 pm
French bulldogs are OVER.
Sue March 6, 2012, 10:14 am
I bet she’s getting English and French bulldogs mixed up. I definitely don’t know many men that want yappy small dogs around.
lets_be_honest March 6, 2012, 12:25 pm
Not just a stick, but an oar, eh?
Disclaimer: I am not Canadian even though I use the term eh.
p.s. I miss TheOtherMe
Leroy March 6, 2012, 12:44 pm
What do you want to bet that Mr. pathetic and unoriginal is onto the LW and just doing these things to get on her nerves?
He probably doesn’t intend to get whatever dog she’d mentioned, he’s just playing with her.
Fabelle March 6, 2012, 12:50 pm
Agree! Especially since she warned him beforehand that she’d only tell him if he “promised to not want it”
caitie_didnt March 6, 2012, 9:45 am
Can’t f*cking WAIT for the update on this one!
I really have nothing constructive to add, Wendy’s advice is amazing.
MsBorgia March 6, 2012, 10:00 am
She’ll probably write back with a whole bunch of details she “forgot” to include in the original letter, and they will also be about commandeering the sole rights to French bulldog ownership.
Addie Pray March 6, 2012, 10:08 am
Yea, no kidding, LW will write in to say she forgot to tell us that this guy beats her sister, was convicted of assault of an elderly lady, and likes child porn, and *that* is why she doesn’t like him. You know, important small details like that.
blarfengar March 6, 2012, 10:02 am
AMEN sister. That’s going to be a treat.
Vathena March 6, 2012, 12:24 pm
I thought that too. “OMG Wendy and the commenters were so mean and DISRESPECTFUL to me! There is so much more to prove what a jerk he is! I forgot to say that he also totally wears pleated pants, sooo gross. Also I hate the way he breathes while he’s chewing. So lame it makes me want to upchuck!”
camille905 March 6, 2012, 3:26 pm
oppositeofzen March 6, 2012, 9:48 am
There’s one thing that makes me a little confused. How is a French bulldog the dog every guy wants? When I’ve talked tom my family/friends/etc, I’ve never heard a guy (or anyone else) mention the French bulldog as their dream dog.
And I don’t think it’s that unusual that he likes to shop. My guy loves to shop for movies and music. My dad and brothers like to shop for hunting things. Does that make any of them less manly because it’s still shopping?
And my advice to the LW: Do what Wendy said and please grow up.
ReginaRey March 6, 2012, 9:52 am
I got the impression that originally this dude wanted a French bulldog, but that after hearing what SHE wanted, he changed his tune: “We were talking about dogs and he said he wanted a french bulldog (how original; every guy wants that dog) and I said I would tell him what kind of dog I wanted, but he had to promise he wouldn’t want it. It’s not a common breed. Well, recently, I was at their house, and I overheard that he wants the dog that I want.”
Seriously, though…the way that whole paragraph is written makes me wonder if this LW is like 13. That’s how you talk in middle school: “I’ll tell you if you promise not to copy me!” Actually, I remember getting sooooo mad when I was 13 when I told my friend I was going to paint my bedroom sage green…and she went and painted HER’S sage green before I’d even painted mine! So then I painted mine purple. But again…I was 13! Sigh.
oppositeofzen March 6, 2012, 9:55 am
I’m understand that the fiance wanted a French bulldog. I was confused about her assumption that every guy wants a French bulldog, like most of the other assumptions she made in the letter.
I really hope she’s 13. It’s annoying at that age, but if she’s in her late teens to twenties, it’s 100% inexcusable.
CatsMeow March 6, 2012, 10:08 am
I wanna know what breed it is that she’s so worked up about. Is anyone else just dying of curiosity??
dabbler March 6, 2012, 10:16 am
She said she would only tell if he wouldn’t steal it, and he did anyway. Betcha she won’t make THAT mistake again.
Mel March 6, 2012, 2:06 pm
Maybe it’s a Mabari War Hound. That’s the most obscure breed I can come up with.
dabbler March 6, 2012, 3:16 pm
I’m hoping for a Chinese crested. 🙂
Biglight March 6, 2012, 4:34 pm
Mabari War Hound! Awesome.
mcminnem March 6, 2012, 8:38 pm
You win an internet.
Guy Friday March 6, 2012, 9:52 am
Yeah, actually, I was wondering that too. Most of the guys I know want a Golden Retriever or a labrador or a German Shepherd, not a French bulldog. Not that there’s anything wrong with a French bulldog or anything, but it’s just not what I think most guys pick as their first choice.
ReginaRey March 6, 2012, 9:55 am
Maybe she’s confused and really means just a regular old bulldog? Not a French bulldog? At least those are more “manly” dogs…
honeybeenicki March 6, 2012, 10:55 am
Aww I’m a little hurt if you’re referring to English bulldogs as “regular old bulldogs” 😛 But you may be right. I don’t know many guys that want a tiny little French bulldog.
ReginaRey March 6, 2012, 12:00 pm
I couldn’t think of the proper name for “English Bulldog” at the time! 🙂 In my head, when I hear “bulldog,” the English bulldog is what I picture. To me, that’s just a “regular old bulldog” haha.
honeybeenicki March 6, 2012, 1:21 pm
Ok, my dogs and I will let it slide. They’re too cute too be mad at anyone anyway.
SpaceySteph March 6, 2012, 11:40 am
You’re right. Every boy I’ve ever dated wanted a German Shepherd. My current boyfriend has a moratorium on any dog who’s head (when full grown) doesn’t come up to his waist.
Kate B. March 6, 2012, 12:33 pm
German Shepherds are great! I love big dogs. Although, I had a cocker spaniel once and wouldn’t mind one of those again. On the other hand, I have seen one guy – one – with a French bulldog. Cute, but not my type.
SpyGlassez March 7, 2012, 6:37 pm
My guy is the first one I’ve known who, like me, prefers smaller dogs. He had a beagle growing up and we are going to get a beagle some day. And a basenji, because I had one growing up. NOBODY COPY US!!!1! I CAll DIBS!
rachel March 6, 2012, 12:34 pm
Oh man, my boyfriend wants a Lab. I forgot I’m supposed to be upset at how unoriginal that is!
ReginaRey March 6, 2012, 1:04 pm
Well, I just got a black lab puppy this weekend…so I suppose I’m completely, utterly unoriginal. But maybe go to the dog park and hit it off with one of the many, albeit unoriginal of course, dudes in my area who also have labs.
Jessibel March 6, 2012, 2:11 pm
Congrats on the new puppy! Labs are awesome!
TaraMonster March 6, 2012, 12:37 pm
Ok. I have to say it because it does not seem weird to me that many guys like French Bulldogs because I live in a neighborhood where everyone and their mother has a French Bulldog. Big, muscular men are out walking their little gremlin-like frenchies on the daily. And-wait for it- my boyfriend loves Frenchies. When we do get a dog it will be either a French or English Bulldog (depending on our apt size!) or a puggle. When you live in an NYC apt your choice in dog size shrinks along with your square footage.
However! This has also convinced me that the LW is an irritating hipster because I live on Manhattan’s LES. She’s already proven that she can’t stand anyhting “boring” or mainstream or whatever, so I’m convinced she lives a block away from me and smokes her American Spirits outside the Skinny on Saturday evenings whilst clutching a PBR in her fingerless-glove clad hands. I’ll let you all know if I bump into someone with a really obscure dog!
Jessibel March 6, 2012, 2:14 pm
Haha, I had the same thought more along the lines of “Oh, so you live in Williamsburg, do you?” I love PBR and am sorta sad that there are people out there drinking it ironically, because I like how it tastes! (weird, I know).
I always thought French Bulldogs looked like Stitch, from the Disney movie. I saw a greyish blue one once and went gaga over him, and asked the owner what his name was, and the owner said Stitch. I died.
TaraMonster March 6, 2012, 3:33 pm
OMG YOU MET A FRENCHIE NAMED STITCH. I can’t even! The envy! It burns!
We drank PBR by the pitcher back in college Too many $3 pitchers of PBR will turn you off them for a lifetime. That and I think it tastes awful.
Jessibel March 6, 2012, 4:41 pm
Ah, see, we drank Nattie Light back in college. And afterwards, lol. There’s this awesome bar in the East Village on the corner of Ave B and 7th called….wait for it…7B. They sell (or at least used to sell) $4 Nattie Light tall boys. Total dive, but we love it (hooray Big Buck Hunter!) Now I’m totally turned off of that beer for life. To me, PBR is a step up, lol!
Caris March 6, 2012, 10:53 pm
lets_be_honest March 6, 2012, 12:28 pm
Are you sure your man is straight?
kittyk March 6, 2012, 1:27 pm
I think she means English bulldog, and just has no clue what she’s talking about.
Temperance March 6, 2012, 9:38 pm
A bunch of my gay friends like french bulldogs. Most straight guys that I know want labs or goldens … yawn. 😉
TheGirlInME March 7, 2012, 8:51 am
Late to the party here, but my “stepdog” is a brindle Frenchie. She totally looks like Stich & her daddy is straight. Mike Tyson has a Frencie in The Hangover. Pretty sure no one wants to call “Iron Mike” gay. 🙂
Flake March 6, 2012, 9:50 am
I think that besides your obvious problems listed by everyone above (jealousy, immaturity and general bitchiness), another one is that he doesn’t care that you don’t like him and has made no effort whatsoever to change that. Doesn’t he know that he needs to be approved by you before he can “join” your family? Oh, the arrogance! I mean come on, you and your sister used to be THISCLOSE, and then she goes ahead and picks a guy that doesn’t give a damn about you!
Like Wendy said, grow up! He didn’t actively engage you in the conversation because he was there to see your sister, not you. And I am sure that he also wanted to make it obvious who he was interested in. If he feels a part of your family, that is a credit to them. Your family is nice and understanding enough to support your sister and the man she chose.
And the dog breed? Do you own the patent or the copyright for that breed? No? Then it is none of your business. Maybe he didn’t even know about that breed until you mentioned it, and then decided that it might be a good fit for him and your sister.
Honestly, you haven’t mentioned a single reason to dislike the guy. Yes, I also think that they are moving a bit too fast, but then again I have seen quite a few relationships that have started that way, and so far they are doing fine.
To answer your question, there doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with him, except maybe he is a little impulsive, but then again so is your sister. The only thing wrong with this situation is your attitude. Grow up and move on. Your sister is marrying the guy, so he will be a part of your family for at least foreseeable future. If you don’t want to alienate your sister any more than you already did, shut up and be civil, and your sister will thank you.
bluesunday March 6, 2012, 10:19 am
The only thing I disagree with is the part where he didn’t try to engage her in conversation. Sure he’s there to see her sister, but making chit chat with your SO’s family takes very little effort and goes a long way. And unless he was ignoring his SO to talk to her sister, I doubt there would be any confusion about who he was into.
I agree that the LW sounds like a piece of work, but I just think there’s never a good reason to make anyone feel left out in a group situation.
Budj March 6, 2012, 10:22 am
I have a suspicion that she was not putting out a very social vibe…of course she could NEVER be the reason they didn’t get off on the right foot. amiright?
Flake March 6, 2012, 10:37 am
That’s what I thought. I can almost picture this: she walks into the room and sees bare feet on her coffee table. Oh. My. God. Her face must have turned red.
Blondie March 6, 2012, 1:42 pm
“And he really didn’t speak to me. He was so into my sister, but he didn’t ask me anything about myself, which I thought was disrespectful.”
I am not convinced that this means that he didn’t try to talk to her- rather that she wasn’t the center of the universe for that moment, and she took that to mean he sucked as a person. I mean, who gets angry that their supposedly super close sisters significant other pays attention to their sister more than them? I would be far more concerned by the guy who drools all over LW instead of the one he is dating, especially in the honeymoon period. THAT would be a Dear Wendy letter- not this “OMG he is sooooo boring” diatribe. This girl needs a strong dose of to each their own, with a side of mind your business.
bluesunday March 6, 2012, 1:22 pm
Meh, in my opinion it takes generally takes two dumbasses to end up in a situation like this. Who gets engaged after a month? Who gets a tattoo of their SO weeks after they meet…. or ever for that matter? I agree with other readers that the SO sounds very young, and isn’t sure how to articulate her general dislike for the guy, so she focuses on small concrete examples of rudeness rather than examples that showcase long- term incompatibility. But the sister and the boyfriend sound pretty moronic.
bluesunday March 6, 2012, 1:24 pm
Meh, in my opinion it takes generally takes two dumbasses to end up in a situation like this. Who gets engaged after a month? Who gets a tattoo of their SO weeks after they meet…. or ever for that matter? I agree with other readers that the LW sounds very young, and isn’t sure how to articulate her general dislike for the guy, so she focuses on small concrete examples of rudeness rather than examples that showcase long- term incompatibility. But the sister and the boyfriend sound pretty moronic.
Stuart Schneiderman March 6, 2012, 9:50 am
How about someone showing a little respect for the letter writer. Beginning with Wendy everyone is trashing her, impugning her motives, questioning her judgment. It often happens in life that someone who cares for you sees your relationship more clearly than you do. I don’t know how old the letter writer is, but I would tend to trust her judgment, no matter how infelicitously she expressed it. Clearly she is sensing something. She knows that something is wrong but cannot quite articulate it. She offers a long list of serious character flaws, and you all dismiss them. My guess is that she is right about this and you all should be allowing her to trust her judgment.
As a general rule, someone who has a series of small character flaws is a fundamentally flawed human being. It is always better to judge an individual by small instances of bad behavior before you have to judge him for being abusive and violent.
I get the sense that this upcoming marriage has been imposed on her family, regardless of their wishes. There’s nothing about how the parents feel, but that would certainly be pertinent. Is everyone except the letter writer afraid of speaking up, for fear of being dismissed as disrespectful herself.
The guy in question comes across as an obnoxious boor. I may be too old to understand the customs of today’s youth but someone who put a “biggish tattoo” of you on his chest soon after he meets you is trouble. And most likely nothing but trouble.
dabbler March 6, 2012, 10:48 am
Definitely agree about the tattoo. I think that’s a big red flag as well.
But I also think in general, people tend to respond in a similar tone to the LW’s. Had she come at this from a mature, respectful place, saying her concerns were about the legitimate things in her letter, she would be getting very different advice. But she didn’t. Those legitimate things were minimized, and she focused instead on dog breeds and having a date to their engagement party. And that’s what people are responding to, overall, because that’s how it was presented.
honeybeenicki March 6, 2012, 10:59 am
“As a general rule, someone who has a series of small character flaws is a fundamentally flawed human being.”
Technically, that’s a true statement but only because all human beings are fundamentally flawed. That’s what makes us human and not cyborg. I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty sure I have a couple of small character flaws. I can be pushy and stubborn, sometimes I drink juice out of the carton, I have quite a few tattoos, I put my feet up on the coffee table pretty much every day, I don’t always follow the speed limit, I sometimes say mean things in the heat of the moment that I don’t mean, and I ignore phone calls and texts when I don’t want to talk to a certain person. Does this mean I’m nothing but trouble?
ktfran March 6, 2012, 12:07 pm
Yes, you are a terrible person. Nobody should ever speak to you again. Ever.
I was basically going to say something similar. Everyone is flawed and most people don’t suck.
And I love that other people do the ignore phone calls and texts thing, because sometimes I feel bad, but sometimes I just don’t want to talk to anyone.
lets_be_honest March 6, 2012, 12:36 pm
Wendy, can we work on getting honey banned? Its better to ban now after small instances of bad behavior than wait til she starts getting psycho.
honeybeenicki March 6, 2012, 1:23 pm
Even I would agree that might be for the best! Especially since you now know that I sometimes drink juice out of the carton and that’s just a huge indicator of truly psychotic behavior. 🙂
Stuart Schneiderman March 6, 2012, 2:31 pm
Could be… and you may want to be… my best to you. I was trying to say that a person who is untrustworthy and unreliable in small things is more likely to be untrustworthy and unreliable in more important things. If you are on a job and you show yourself to be untrustworthy and unreliable in small tasks your boss will surely take that as a sign that you cannot be trusted with more important tasks.
ktfran March 6, 2012, 3:50 pm
I understand what you’re saying, but it doesn’t apply to this LW. Not once did she give solid, concrete examples of why this guy could be untrustworthy and/or unreliable. Instead,the LW pointed out characteristics she personally does not care for. Who cares that they got matching tattoos after only a month of knowing one another? Impulsive, yes, but untrustworthy, not so much. The same could be said about each one of her examples. I’m just not seeing a huge character flaw in this dude that points to him being bad news. And I’m trying.
camille905 March 6, 2012, 3:53 pm
There is NO PROOF that the sister’s fiance is untrustworthy and unreliable. She hasn’t even given him a chance to prove whether or not he is. But I think if he HAD given LW an example, she definitely would have shared it. If LW wants to be taken seriously and be given more “respect”, then she should give it.
rachel March 6, 2012, 11:04 am
Here’s what an adult would write: “My sister just met this guy and she’s already engaged, and not only that, the guy got a giant tattoo of her on his chest! I’m concerned that they are moving too fast, and I also generally get bad vibes from this guy. How can I communicate my concerns to my sister? Or should I even?”
Here’s what the LW wrote: OMG he put his feet on the coffee table and he had the audacity to STEAL the breed of dog I want, even though I totally made him promise he wouldn’t want it.
This is the reason for the way everyone has been speaking to the LW. Seriously, I can understand being concerned for her sister, or even irked at this guy, but it sounds like she hasn’t actually put in effort to get to know him or be happy for her sister.
For the record, my advice to my first hypothetical LW would be pretty much the same. You can’t change who your sister loves, so you just have to do your best to get to know and like him so you don’t end up losing her from your life.
savannah March 6, 2012, 11:05 am
“I get the sense that this upcoming marriage has been imposed on her family, regardless of their wishes”
serious question: does this matter?
bethany March 6, 2012, 11:10 am
No, it doesn’t. You marry who YOU want to marry, not who your fmily picks. Unless it’s 1860 and they’re selling you….
FancyPants March 6, 2012, 12:13 pm
1860? Last week my parents just sealed the deal for 3 new oxen and enough corn to get through the winter in exchange for my hand. Obviously your folks just don’t love you enough.
(Sorry, I know it was easy, I just couldn’t resist.)
artsygirl March 6, 2012, 4:20 pm
Fancy I am sending you an interweb high five for that comment!
Stuart Schneiderman March 6, 2012, 2:36 pm
Actually, it does matter. When you marry someone you bring them into your family, thus you might show some respect for everyone’s opinion. Certainly we all know or we should know the difference between consulting with your family and marrying someone your family picks out for you. Besides, let’s keep in mind that in most cases your family contains the people care out you the most in this world… why would you willfully ignore their opinions. I would add that this couple seems to have gotten engaged after knowing each other for a month… most parents would see that as a warning sign. As your comments and some of the others point out, many people today simply announce what they are going to do, not allowing anyone to express an opinion.
bethany March 6, 2012, 4:41 pm
Personally, I would never have married someone my family didn’t approve of (side note- they LOVE my husband), because I have a sane/reasonable family and I value their opinions. I wouldn’t have made it past a year with a guy they hated… However, that’s not the case in all family dynamics, and I think the decision of who to marry ultimately comes down to the person saying those vows (unless you’re like a 16 year old child bride or something… that’s a whole other story though!)
Sue Jones March 6, 2012, 6:30 pm
My parents did not like ANY of my friends, my boyfriends, etc. Why? Because they weren’t the religion I was brought up in/didn’t make enough money/ you name it. They were hyper-critical people. When it looked like I would perhaps never marry and just continue having long term live-in relationships, they finally mellowed out. Family is not always right about what is best for you. I would have ended up with a smug jerk who made a ton of money but cheated and lied his way through life had I listened to them. My brother and sister who DID listen to our parents for the first marriages are both divorced. So sometimes the family is pretty dysfunctional and you have to follow your heart or at least make your own mistakes.
AnotherWendy March 6, 2012, 10:18 pm
I think that by time you reach the age where your kids are getting married, you’ve seen enough marriages come and go to realize that how long a couple has known each other before marrying doesn’t predict much about the happiness or length of a marriage. And you also realize that just because you have opionions about your adult children and the choices they make, it doesn’t mean your opinions are right for that adult child. It never crossed my mind to consult with my parents about whether or not I should marry my husband, and I think I would laugh if my daugher seriously asked me whether I thought she should marrry someone or not. If, as an adult, my child felt she needed her dad’s and my opinions to determine the suitability of her own marriage partner, my concerns would be: She must be way too unsure of him herself to marry him; she needs some self-esteem work to learn to value her own instincts; she’s way too immature to be marrying if she’s asking us if we think she should. I see marriage as an adult decision between the two people who will be married, not a family decision.
(Unless it’s a sister wives family situation, in which I think it should totally be a group decision!)
MsBorgia March 6, 2012, 11:20 am
I didn’t get the impression that the wedding was being imposed on the family, because the LW didn’t talk about anyone’s feelings or concerns except her own.
Leroy March 6, 2012, 1:12 pm
The reason that the LW isn’t getting much respect is because she comes off as extremely petty. Which is also why I’m discounting her complaints about the BF. At worst he seems to be crazy about her sister and is probably rushing things. But that doesn’t make him a bad guy.
What country are you from that the family determines who you’ll marry?
lets_be_honest March 6, 2012, 1:26 pm
I can tell you are super average because your dog is very unoriginal in your picture. Actually, its really, really adorable.
Anyway, click on Stuart’s name. Links to his website. That’s all I’ll say.
Leroy March 6, 2012, 1:36 pm
HA! You are obviously not original enough to recognize that my dog ironically cute!
GatorGirl March 6, 2012, 3:00 pm
Like to the website checkout…hmm.
camille905 March 6, 2012, 3:56 pm
After viewing Stuart’s website, he obviously knows what he’s talking about (gagging ensues).
meg March 6, 2012, 9:18 pm
Thanks for directing us to his site; I’ve been looking for a new life coach; Stuart are you available to take on a new client? I’m sure you’re super busy coming up with gems like this:
“In many American schools girls are encouraged, even exhorted to work hard and excel. Boys, however, are disparaged and demeaned, encouraged to sit down and shut up. After a while they discover that it is pointless to raise their hands. So they give up and become depressed.”
“First lesson, if women want men to act like men they should start by acting more like women…If a woman makes this choice she has no business complaining that men are not man enough for her. She is simply living the consequences of her decisions.”
“If [women] have overcome the dreaded feminine mystique and categorically refuse to become homemakers, they should not complain if more and more young men graduate from college and move back in with one woman who really wants to take care of them: Mom.”
Way to drop some knowledge on us, Stuart! I’ll stop raising my hand in class, I don’t wanna make the boys sad and depressed and move back in with their mommies 🙁 🙁 It’ll be my own fault if I end up single and alone! Shoulda just shut up and tried to look cute 🙂 that’s what I’m here for (I’m a girl! teeheeLOLz:)!!1!1
kittyk March 6, 2012, 1:31 pm
I agree that she is likely right that he is not good news, but the way she says it and her particular examples give her no credibility whatsover. Only real red flags I see are the tattoos and engaged after one month.
If she’d written in with less judgement she would have received a nicer reply. But she asked for it with her overall tone.
Stuart Schneiderman March 6, 2012, 2:42 pm
Let’s say that the sister is upset and distraught… why should we judge her by the quality of her writing and the examples she chooses. And isn’t it rather judgmental of all of you to dismiss her feelings because you don’t like the way she writes. It’s possible that she has other information that she does not want to divulge. It often happens that people have an emotional reaction to someone else without knowing exactly why they are having it. It often happens that people feel fear without knowing why they feel afraid. Most people who have studied these questions would agree that you should heed those emotions. I think that Wendy and most of the commenters have been far too quick to dismiss this young woman’s concerns. Don’t you think that we should take women more seriously than that?
silver_dragon_girl March 6, 2012, 2:57 pm
Wow, way to play the gender card.
If she wants to be taken seriously she needs to learn how to express herself better. This letter sounds completely vapid, superficial, and selfish.
GatorGirl March 6, 2012, 3:08 pm
What? Take women more seriously than that? How is that even related? The LW used juvenile language and reasoning. She provided no clear evidence that she had any *real* concerns rather that she doesn’t care for this man. She also wrote into an advice website to get feedback from a thrid party- omitting information makes any/all of this advice irrelevant- including yours and Wendy’s.
Leroy March 6, 2012, 11:52 pm
That’s the crucial point. Putting aside her attitude and conviction that his very existence is disrespectful, she’s not claiming that he’s harming her sister or has done anything indicative of more than bad taste.
I can accept that someone may not be able to articulate their discomfort or even be fully of why they feel uncomfortable, but again, she isn’t characterizing him or his relationship with her sister in a way which suggests that she perceives a threat. It’s not that he’s creepy, or devious, controlling, or irrational – he’s too boring. How likely is it that she would highlight his banality if she, even unconsciously, perceived him as threatening?
Leroy March 6, 2012, 11:55 pm
err: .. or even be fully AWARE of why they feel uncomfortable.
camille905 March 6, 2012, 4:05 pm
The LW’s issue has NOTHING to do with being female but rather is about her relationship with her sister and her apparent inability to clearly and maturely express her emotions.
Maybe you, as a man, needs to learn to take women more seriously. I don’t know if you’re a long time reader of DW but I know you’re not a long time commenter. We DO take women pretty seriously around here.
artsygirl March 6, 2012, 4:25 pm
bethany March 6, 2012, 4:45 pm
We have to base our opinions on the info the LW provided. I’m sure if there was a huge red flag she would have mentioned it instead of him wanting a French Bulldog.
Elle March 6, 2012, 3:56 pm
I don’t like letters like today’s either. Wendy usually sets the tone with her answer, and most (not all!) of the commenters gang up on the LW. I’ve seen it a few times, done it a couple of times, but not anymore. I wish people were more compassionate. Obviously, the LW is immature, and the level of self-entitlement is through the roof. But maybe answering her question with more compassion would have a better effect? I wouldn’t know. Or maybe people think the LW can only understand immature responses so they stoop down to her level? Again, I don’t know.
To the LW – the only thing you should care about is how he treats your sister. That’s all! If she’s happy, then all you need to do is to suck it up and try to get along with him as much as you can.
Not taking into account the tone of your letter, yes, the tattoo and the fast engagement are big red flags. If the guy turns out to be a douche, your sister will figure it out. And you won’t even have to do anything. If you say anything bad about the guy to your sister, you will only drive her away. Be nice to her, and she’ll come to her senses sooner or later.
The mature thing to do is to have a discussion with her about her future marriage: where will they live (his place, her place, a new place for both of them), how many kids will they have, what will they do about bank accounts, life insurance, how will they split household expenses / the mortgage, how will they pay for the wedding etc, which engaged people talk about, but I’m sure your sister doesn’t have answers to just yet. Ask her these questions in a caring tone (not confrontational – stay as far away from confrontational as you can!) and your sister will realize what she got herself into.
And next time you write a letter concerning your sister’s relationship, talk only about how her fiance interacts with/treats her. Sorry to say, but you are not part of the relationship, so how the fiance interacts with you doesn’t matter much.
(A bit of homework: read Lundy Bancroft’s “Why does he do that?”. In all honesty, see if the guy fits any of the profiles. Be as honest as you can – leave pettiness and immaturity out of it. If there’s anything in there, ask your sister to read the book as well. Do NOT have a fight with your sister – just give her the book to read for herself. This will also help YOU, in your future relationships.)
bluesunday March 6, 2012, 5:29 pm
I totally agree on the ganging up thing. It’s really easy to act condescendingly towards this LW, but how would she feel after reading 100+ comments calling her stupid and immature? If we are so mature ourselves, I think we should be a bit more compassionate and gracious towards someone asking for help.
6napkinburger March 7, 2012, 4:05 pm
I also agree and this tends to me the attitude I usually take.
And just, while I’m on the other side of public opinion, I’m going to throw another one out there.
I don’t think it just matters whether “your” sister is happy, at the present moment, and the LW should just ignore everything else. I think it is VERY important how the boyfriend makes LW feel, because she is a person and how he makes other people feel is important. I think she’s pretty right on, even though she does a pretty awful way of expressing it.
Let’s take, for instance, the “fact” that he didn’t ask LW anything about herself when she first met him, and instead sat with his feet up on her sister’s coffee table barefoot and ignored the LW. Setting aside any pettiness that one feels by being ignored, I’d be SERIOUSLY worried about this guy’s ability to make first impressions, to read social situations and to act appropriately in them. At least in my opinion, a guy should care about making at least a semi-decent first-impression with family of the girl who he loves. I am not suggesting being at all untrue to who is is, or putting on aires trying to impress them, but rather, being a “best-ish” version of who he is. If this was him at his best, I would seriously wonder what he was NOT on his best behavior and what the implications are for getting and keeping jobs, teaching nieces and nephews good manners and how to treat others with respect, etc. If he did not bother, I think her feelings of noticing disrepect are appropriate and apt.
I think there is something “off” about meeting your sister’s NEW boyfriend for the first time and him acting like he owns her stuff. It signals to you that he does not respect HER or HER STUFF. Regarding him fawning only over her and not making an effort even to act interested in her sister, it makes me worried he would (purposefully or not) isolate the sister with his “love,” as his actions signal that he is not interested in engaging with her world and those that are important for her. The fact that he got a tattoo so soon after meeting her signals that he acts impulsively (a) withouth fully considering the implication on the future or (b) is willing to suffer significantly for the oppurtunity to act impulsivly. (Tattoo removal/ having a tattoo of a failed relationship). The fact that she did too signals to me that his behavior affects her behavior and she has begun to emulate his negative traits, which is worrisome.
And now the dog thing. Yes, its all ridiculous. But let’s just pretend it wasn’t about a breed of dog. Boyfriend asks LW to confide something. She says no, that she is worried about a particular consequence. Boyfriend assures LW that that consequence will not come to pass. She believe him and confides. He actively and frequently mocks LW with threatening to make that very consequence occur. Yes we think the dog thing is crazy. But the underlying actions — those are troubling. It is cruel to lie to someone to convince them to do something and then hold it over their heads. It just is and it does not speak well to that person’s character.
So I think there is more to this story than it seems. And I don’t necessarily think that LW is wrong. But there still isn’t much she can do.
Addie Pray March 6, 2012, 4:33 pm
“infelicitously”?! nice find in the thesaurus. next time keep it simple; my time is money and i am a slow googler.
IDreamofElectricSheep March 6, 2012, 9:51 am
When I read this letter, this line from The Princess Bride flashed through my head: “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.” Um, there’s a lot of throwing out of negative adjectives that don’t seem to quite fit the situation.
It seems like you are jealous/insecure/angry of how this person has barreled into your life and disrupted the relationships you have with you sister and family in general. I’ll let you in on something: no matter what you do, things are going to change. Even if all three of you like each others’ husbands, your relationships are going to be affected. It’s up to you and your sisters how these changes are going to affect the sisterly ties.
He may not be who you would have chosen for your sister, but at the end of the day, you don’t have to like him. He’s your sister’s fiancé, not yours. And if you are going to let the small, superficial personality traits you find annoying about him and unfounded resentment over petty incidents come between you and your sister, well, that’s kind of sad.
Budj March 6, 2012, 9:54 am
Well said – people grow and relationships change. My relationship with my two older brothers changed drastically when they both got married. The only thing constant in life is change.
lets_be_honest March 6, 2012, 12:38 pm
Ughh, I hate how true this is. Change is the worsttttt (in my best LW voice). Seriously though, it is. Which is why I’m inventing a time-freezer!
CatsMeow March 6, 2012, 10:11 am
Firegirl32 March 6, 2012, 12:28 pm
You get serious bonus points for referencing The Princess Bride….now “Anyone want a peanut?!”
silver_dragon_girl March 6, 2012, 9:52 am
Ok, you had me up until the thing about putting his bare feet up on the coffee table. I do that all the time at home, and my friends and bf are of course welcome to do the same. So this remark, alone, makes me see you as very judgemental, LW, and that’s not a good thing.
I really hope this letter’s fake, but if it’s not, get the F*** over yourself and realize that who your sister dates and marries is none of your business. You have no really legitimate reason to dislike the guy. I respect that they’re moving WAY fast and that is a red flag, but come on. Telling him he can’t like the same breed of dog as you??? What are you, 12?
CatsMeow March 6, 2012, 10:12 am
Why is “12” the magic number? It’s always, “What are you, 12?” and not… 10 or 8 or 14…
silver_dragon_girl March 6, 2012, 10:29 am
I think it’s the perfect level of immaturity. At 12, you’re almost a teenager, so you have that mix of childhood irritating-ness and teenager irritating-ness…
Morgan March 6, 2012, 12:13 pm
oh hell yes. I was the worst at 12.
GatorGirl March 6, 2012, 3:09 pm
Oh my goodness me too! I want to go back and shake 12 year old me and yell “stop being such a pain in the ass!!”
sparky629 March 6, 2012, 12:46 pm
There’s really only 2 ages…12 or not 12. Because sometimes no matter how ‘old’ someone chronologically is they do the same crap you would expect from a 12 year old. Seriously.
Muffy March 6, 2012, 9:57 am
LW what did you think Wendy would answer to this letter? Shameless use of mean girls quotes to follow:
I understand how you are feeling about the dog breed issue. Once I wore army pants and flip flops and then everyone else in the school wanted army pants and flip flops. The reason your sister’s fiance wanted the same breed after hearing the breed you wanted is because he is obsessed with you! And it’s not your fault he’s like in love with you or something! Your sister should dump her fiance because you find him boring. I can’t believe she did not consult with you first. I mean you wouldn’t buy a dress without asking your girlfriends how it looked on you first right? That’s just the rules of feminism!
No one in your family should be subjected to a person who does not make the MOST interesting of conversation. LW, I believe you are fascinating and therefore should only have to hang out and listen to people who are fascinating as well. He’s clearly a life ruiner – he ruins people’s lives. Get your sister to dump her fiance, who cares if he’s “nice” to her and she “loves” him. Let her know that everyone says she is a home schooled jungle freak who is a less hot version of you – that’s the only reason I can think of that she would go with this fiance. And if she doesn’t dump him: “Boo you Wh*re”.
Lastly, good for you for not attending her engagement party unless you had a date! It’s not your fault that people are so jealous of you- so it’s good you had someone else there for them to focus on.
Seriously LW, your letter was ridiculous. Instead of expressing concern that she got engaged so quickly you are focusing instead on completely superficial qualities such as how great of a conversationalist he is and how he is totally unoriginal in his dog breed selection. It’s your sister’s decision – you don’t have to like her fiance but you have to respect her choice and therefore be civil. Just because he is not someone you would choose for yourself does not make him unsuitable for your sister
Jessibel March 6, 2012, 10:41 am
Muffy, nice Mean Girls reference!
JK March 6, 2012, 10:03 am
I love how LW didn´t even tell “us” what breed of dog she wants! 🙂
I´m thinking maybe the sister´s fiance realized LW was listening and as a joke said that he wanted the same breed as she does, that is totally something I would do if I had to put up with an immature twit like this that made me swear not to get the same dog as her!
JK March 6, 2012, 10:05 am
And just how many conversations od people actually have about what breed of dog they would like to get???
For the record, my dream dog that I know I´m never going to get is the komondor.
Flake March 6, 2012, 10:08 am
Mine is the Russian Borzoy…
JK March 6, 2012, 10:15 am
I had to google that, they´re beautiful!
Flake March 6, 2012, 10:20 am
Also expensive and shed like crazy. But yeah, I think they are the best looking dogs ever, also the Afghans.. I just love hounds though
bethany March 6, 2012, 11:14 am
Just saw your comment after I posted below that I loved Afghans too- I promise I didn’t steal that from you! 🙂
(I, also love a sight hound!)
Flake March 6, 2012, 11:22 am
I used to have a little Italian Greyhound. They honestly are the most awesome little dogs ever.
And that’s ok, you can like the Afghans all you want 🙂
Flake March 6, 2012, 10:21 am
Oh and don’t you dare steal that dream from me 😀
bethany March 6, 2012, 11:13 am
I’m quasi obsessed with Afghan Hounds at the moment. However, my more realistic dream breed is a Doberman.
Muffy March 6, 2012, 10:24 am
That’s because is she told us I would want the same breed. And then there would be three people in the world who want that breed.
honeybeenicki March 6, 2012, 10:38 am
If she told us what the breed was, then everyone on DW would go out and get the breed and then we’d all ruin her life. Personally, my dream breed is the English Bulldog and I already have 2 and when I find out someone else has one or wants one, I get really excited not really jealous.
rachel March 6, 2012, 11:11 am
Seriously, I love when other people have puggles! It just means there are more cute puggles to play with!
Cleopatra_30 March 6, 2012, 10:03 am
“He was so into my sister, but he didn’t ask me anything about myself, which I thought was disrespectful”
There is a reason he was more into your sister, because its his GIRLFRIEND! This reaction makes you look like someone who needs to be the center of attention. Did you try to attempt any conversation with him, or did you expect him to do all the talking?
“It makes me sad and a bit troubled because I love my sister and I don’t want this to affect us.”
It seems this situation is only affecting YOU, and seeing as you are the only one who is complaining about her boyfriend, you need to change that.
Overall you sound like a child complaining, i really have no sympathy for you. Yes the fact that this engagement was very rushed is a bit unusual, but acting like a child and having a temper tantrum because he doesn’t suit YOUR needs, is certainly not helping your cause. Grow some ovaries and realize this is about your sisters happiness, if you want to have a good relationship with her, then you are going to have to accept that this guy is going to be around for a while and you are going to have to make some effort to accept him and be able to talk to him.
Also on the dog comment, who cares, maybe you can bond with him when you BOTH get the same dog and then have something interesting and in common to talk about.
kerrycontrary March 6, 2012, 10:05 am
If you don’t like your sister’s fiance, then don’t date him! And stop being repulsed by the guy thinking he is part of your family, because he IS. That’s what marriage does. Ugh that’s all I can say, this letter was so frustrating I can’t even verbalize my feelings.
kerrycontrary March 6, 2012, 10:12 am
Oh yeh, and here’s a clue, if a family member asks if you like their significant other you say yes. always. unless they are abusive or an addict. end of story.
And the reason all men like french bulldogs is because they are cute little dogs that are still masculine enough. Men also like black labs. I have a dachshund. ugh, I’m so unoriginal. I should be more “original” about choosing my dog breed. stop going against the grain just to go against the grain.
Budj March 6, 2012, 10:14 am
Conforming to not-conform!
Something More March 6, 2012, 1:51 pm
“Oh yeh, and here’s a clue, if a family member asks if you like their significant other you say yes. always. unless they are abusive or an addict. end of story.”
I don’t agree with this. I think if you are asked to give an honest answer, then you should give one. That doesn’t mean you have to say, “Oh yeah, I think he’s a completel asshole and given the chance I’d make him bite a curb.”
And was it in a letter or in the forum we just talked about how annoying it is when you break up with someone and your family/friends all say how much they hated him/her?
Crazymary March 6, 2012, 10:07 am
I am really happy I don’t know this LW. I want to slap her and I hate violence.
What an *EFFING* BRAT! That is all.
GertietheDino March 6, 2012, 10:08 am
Jealousy screams from this letter, immaturity and I’m guessing “little sister syndrome” too. This is not you life, this is your sister’s, who is a grown adult. You Need to Grow up!
Jessibel March 6, 2012, 10:38 am
It also sounds like she might be a middle child, and we know the stereotypes surrounding them 😛
JK March 6, 2012, 10:42 am
Again with the middle child???
Addie Pray March 6, 2012, 10:46 am
I have this theory that people should have no more than 2 children — solely to rid the world of middle children.
JK March 6, 2012, 10:52 am
Good idea, that way there is a little less suffering in the world, we all know the middle child suffers so much more than the others!
Addie Pray March 6, 2012, 10:57 am
Haha – but we babies suffer too. Parents let us play with knives and drink whatever and come and go as we please… and so we feel neglected and consequently crave attention – more and more! – for the rest of our lives. Agony.
Jessibel March 6, 2012, 11:06 am
No way, it’s totally us oldest kids who have it the worst! Earlier bedtimes, earlier curfews, get the harshest punishments when we do bad things, the brain damage from when our parents drop us as babies because they don’t know how to hold us, etc. (kidding!) I had to wait to get a cell phone until I was 18, but my sister got one at 12, and my brother at 11! We’re the guinea pigs, and parents realize that “well, maybe I was too hard on oldest child, I’ll make up for it with subsequent children!” while oldest child is still in therapy 😛 Besides, with the younger ones, mom and dad are just exhausted by the time they’re teenagers so they let them do whatever they want! 😛
evanscr05 March 6, 2012, 1:28 pm
When I was 16, and my brother was 14, I was hanging out at my best friend’s house (which our mother knew about) and my brother was home alone. He was old enough to be home alone, and was a lot in the afternoon’s, so no big deal. Well, one afternoon he decided he wanted some macaroni and cheese. After he had finished boiling the water and cooking the noodles, he went to drain the water out and some of it splashed out onto his hand, which subsequently freaked him out and pretty much the rest of the water ended up on his arm. He got this giant burn over most of his forearm. Guess what hapened? *I* got in trouble for not “supervising” him. Really, mom?
Moral of the story? Being the oldest is TOTES the worst!
Addie Pray March 6, 2012, 5:54 pm
You really should have watched your baby brother more closely. How do you sleep at night?!
Jessibel March 6, 2012, 10:48 am
JK, I was joking!
JK March 6, 2012, 10:51 am
haha, I know! I forgot the smiley face, sorry! 🙂
A while back there was another comment on middle children, that´s why I said it!
Addie Pray March 6, 2012, 10:44 am
They’re the worst. Everyone knows the baby of the family is the best. Ahem.
landygirl March 6, 2012, 10:28 am
OMG, Grody to the Max!!!!!
RunsWithScissors March 6, 2012, 10:32 am
100% agree with Wendy.
The whole dog thing reminds me of people who call “dibs” on a name for a future, not-yet-conceived child. I hope this letter is fake.
lets_be_honest March 6, 2012, 1:32 pm
I call dibs on Seven.
Muffy March 6, 2012, 2:51 pm
six is just as good as seven
lets_be_honest March 6, 2012, 3:23 pm
I’m disappointed no one has identified where this is from 🙁
Flake March 6, 2012, 3:38 pm
artsygirl March 6, 2012, 4:32 pm
Andre 3000 took it for real…sigh* I think all celebrities are in a race to see which child ends up in the most therapy because of their name
Caris March 6, 2012, 11:20 pm
I got it! I LOVE Seinfeld <3
Jessibel March 6, 2012, 10:37 am
This dog kerfuffle is reminding me of what me and my fiance and all of our friends are going through right now. Everyone’s starting to have kids, and everyone’s getting up in arms about baby names and who gets what baby name, because god forbid that two kids get the same name. “Omigod, we can’t name our kid Calvin because my friend Bobby already named his kid Calvin FIVE YEARS AGO!” Yes, yes you can. It’s the US. You can name your kid whatever the heck you want as long as it isn’t Hitler (because then the government takes your kid away from you apparently). People, you don’t own baby names and you don’t own dog breeds. Sheesh!
Jessibel March 6, 2012, 10:39 am
If we were in certain European countries however, there actually ARE limits on what you can name your kid.
JK March 6, 2012, 10:48 am
Here in Argentina there are limits as well (and in several other latin american countries, I think).
On one hand I think it´s a good idea (to avoid completely ridiculous names), but sometimes it´s annoying. My 1st daughter´s name wasn´t permitted at the time, because in the book of the registry we went too it was only allowed as an abbreviation of 2 names (that I hate), so to make an exception we had to give her a middle name, which I really didn´t want to do, and ended up giving her one that we really regret now (my husband´s birth mother´s middle name, the only one that popped into my head at the time). The worst part is a couple of years later her name appeared on the allowed list, with every possible spelling variation!
llclarityll March 6, 2012, 10:52 am
Woah really? what are some examples of names you can’t use? That’s really interesting, I didn’t know a country could prohibit that.
JK March 6, 2012, 12:11 pm
Each province has a list of allowed names. Supposedly you aren´t allowed names that are:surnames/ words/foreign if there´s a translation of that name into spanish/insults/more than 3 names/ the same name as a living sibling. And I can´t remember what else.
When a baby is born you have a month to go to the CIvil Registry to enrol them, you have to tell the clerk the name you chose, they check in their book to see if it´s allowed or not, and finish doing the paperwork. You can actually get a name accepted (my aunt did that with her daughter), but it´s a huge fuss.
Ah, you´re not allowed names that leave some doubt as to which sex the person is. Or rather, you are, but then you have to give them a 2nd name that defines the gender. That was actually another deal with my daughter´s name, even though it is undoubtedly a girl name, the woman at the registry said it wasn´t defining enough, therefore we had to give a 2nd name,
lets_be_honest March 6, 2012, 1:34 pm
Crazy. I never heard of this.
JK March 6, 2012, 1:38 pm
It is weird. Next door in Uruguay they don´t have the same laws and people there give the most ridiculous names (after football clubs, winning lottery ticket numbers, etc), which is just silly.
I think they should let you choose whatever unless it is something that will get the kid ridiculed.
I know they are a lot more lenient now than they used to be, though.
Mel March 7, 2012, 6:16 am
I thought this had been changed? I thought you could name your kid pretty much everything nowadays. Or maybe I heard that in reference to the list being way longer than it used to be.
A friend or mine is called Alfredo because Freddy wasn’t in “the list” at the time. We all call him Freddy. We all know several people with this kind of stories 😛
Also, there used to be books of all the names allowed, I suposse they still are running around.
JK March 7, 2012, 7:45 am
Before naming our 1st I found lists for each province with the permitted names, her name was allowed in Capital and Entre Rios, just not Buenos Aires at that time. Several people told us that if you go then there´s not so much hassle. Plus the lady was an acquaintance of my MIL, who had given us our wedding date really quickly. She must have been having a bad day.
Now it is approved in Bs As, though.
BroGoddess March 6, 2012, 5:59 pm
That’s funny. My friend has 4 kids and all have gender neutral names that could be 1st or last names! I think she wanted people not to judge them by gender stereotypes before meeting them
Jessibel March 6, 2012, 11:02 am
That stinks! It’s a good idea sometimes. Like, I hate the name Abcde (Ab-sid-ee) and think it should be banned because it’s super lazy, but hey, maybe some parent out there LOVES it, so who am I to say, right?
When I was a camp counselor, I had a little 6 year old girl in my group named Victoria. Partway through the summer, we found out that her original birth name was Samantha, but her mother changed it when she was 4 because she didn’t like it anymore. Her mom (very snooty socialite type) was like “yeah, she was confused for a while and cried about it sometimes, but she got over it.” I would say change your daughter’s name, but then I think about Victoria and think that maybe it would be unfair to your daughter to confuse her like that! Naming a baby is stressful sometimes!
Haha, speaking of sibling rivalry (of this letter) and names, I’ve always hated my middle name. It’s an infamous name in American history (although we’re not descended from him, we’re descended from his brother who was awesome and saved the life of a president’s kid, but he’s not as well known as his brother who killed that same president). It sounds clunky with my full name, but it’s my mom’s maiden name. My sister however got the middle name of Eve, which is our grandmother’s name. People are always telling her how beautiful her name is, but I always got the “hey, are you related to the assassin?” *grumble. Now that I’m getting married, I’m super excited to change my name to my future husband’s last name, which makes my name sound all old movie star like. But even though I’ve hated my middle name my entire life, since my grandparents had mostly girls (and one boy who isn’t going to have children), there’s no one to carry on the name, and I find myself feeling nostalgic and not sure I want to get rid of it.
JK March 6, 2012, 11:08 am
Middle names are funny like that, especially one like yours with so much history (family and US!) behind it.
There are some days that I still like my daughter´s middle name, others I don´t. It does go nicely with her 1st name, though, and who really uses theirmiddle name? I know I don´t!
JK March 6, 2012, 11:09 am
A´nd now Ipm off to try and find out what name you´re talking about. 🙂
JK March 6, 2012, 11:11 am
Done. My mind went blank when I was trying to work it out!!! Thank you Google!
Jessibel March 6, 2012, 11:25 am
HAhaha! I can’t really make a secret of it anymore. My fiance used to hide $5 bills from me and if a picture of or an actor playing Abe Lincoln was ever on TV, he’s run and jump in front of the TV to “protect” him from me. I would always whine “but we’re not related to him!” and then I’d relay the story of Edwin Booth saving Robert Lincoln from being hit by a train in Jersey City and he’d be all like “oh, suuuuure” lol. It was pretty funny. Thank god it got old though!
JK March 6, 2012, 11:59 am
hahaa your fiance sounds awesome.
When I was reaidng I remembered I´d actually heard the story about Edwin years ago, but had completely forgotten it. How awesome to descend from someone historical like that. I can´t believe the whole family got house arrest though!!!
Jessibel March 6, 2012, 12:06 pm
Yeah, that was crazy, and back then, the Booth family was really famous and well known, the A-list actor types. They were like the Brad Pitt/George Clooneys of their day. It’d kind of be like if one of the lesser Baldwin brothers did something like that and Alec was put under house arrest.
lets_be_honest March 6, 2012, 1:36 pm
Wow, very interesting. This is my favorite letter in a long time. Loving the comments.
call-me-hobo March 6, 2012, 11:17 am
OH MY GOD, are you related to a special FBI agent who works with a beautiful autistic scientist??
Jessibel March 6, 2012, 12:00 pm
Yep, my middle name is the same last name as the character played by a guy formerly playing a character known as Angel! (Had to work the Buffy reference in there somewhere when we’re talking about David B!)
summerkitten26 March 6, 2012, 12:55 pm
this whole comment section piece thingy made my day.
and if not obvious from the above sentence, my brain isn’t quite functioning today.
LolaBeans March 6, 2012, 10:41 am
Wow, you just sound petty.
Go apologize to your sister and her new fiance for your childish, jealous behaviour.
llclarityll March 6, 2012, 10:50 am
Wow, you know an LW is bad when your first thought is, “Is this letter fake? IS THIS PERSON FAKE??!”
Just unbelievable that anyone could really act like this, and then try to rationalize their behavior. But alas, some people do exist.
Eljay March 6, 2012, 10:52 am
I now have a headache. Thanks, LW.
Anna March 6, 2012, 11:00 am
Wow, I really hope this letter isn’t real. If my sister got engaged to someone she met a month ago, I would express concern at how fast they are moving but I would not nitpick his every move and conversation just to justify hating him more. And I also don’t understand the whole “I like this so you aren’t allowed to like it” thing…never did. If someone discovers something you enjoy and also enjoys it that just gives you a common interest, doesn’t it? Common interests are a good thing last I knew.
It seems to me like this is the first time anyone in the LW’s family has become serious with an SO and made them a part of the family. Honey, that’s part of life and you have to accept whomever they choose to spend their life with. You don’t get to choose whether he is welcomed into the family or not.
Sue Jones March 6, 2012, 11:18 am
Oy. Grow up. Who your sister decides to be with is Not. About. You. Now if there were real concerns like substance abuse, or any kind of abuse directed towards HER, your concerns would be valid. But they are not. When we grow up we get to be with whoever we decide we want to be with. Period.
GatorGirl March 6, 2012, 11:19 am
After reading this two thoughts came to mind…
1- It sounds like your and this guy have different idea’s on what is and is not acceptable in day to day behavior. In some families putting your feet up on the table is perfectly acceptable. To some including an almost stranger into big family events is common. Some perfectly straight men love to shop. These things are basic differences between your personalities and there is nothing you can do about it!
2- You seem jealous. Jealous your sister found love, jealous he is getting the attention on YOUR family. Jealous that she is having parties. Jealousy is a natural human emotion…but you need to grow up. Right now is your sister’s time to have all of this attention and fanfare- yours will come. Be genuinly happy for her.
My comment of course is irrelevant if you left out some major detail like he is abusive or cheating…and we all know the LW always leaves out a major detail. But seriously, if he is loving and supportive and makes your sister happy, BE HAPPY FOR HER!
Christy March 6, 2012, 12:08 pm
LW, I haven’t read the other comments yet, but I have to say I feel you because I was in a slightly similar situation. My sister met and married her fiance very quickly. I could tolerate him at first but soon after they got married I could not stand him. Every thing he did and said was annoying. He drank cheap beer. He sat around on his computer all day instead of cleaning up the house (this was while my sister was pregnant). He didn’t believe in daycare because they would “neglect” his child. He claimed a friend had stolen his idea for a website that is very popular today. Blah, blah, blah! I didn’t even want to go and visit my niece because I’d have to be around him.
Wendy’s response was a little harsh, but it’s true at the same time. You may never like this guy, but he is going to be married to your sister, so you’re going to have to deal with it. What helped me was trying to focus on what my sister loved about him. I also tried to focus on positive things whenever I was around him. And when I couldn’t, I just ignored the most ridiculous things he said. You have to pick your battles. Getting upset about every little thing is going to wear you out very quickly. And for what? He’s not going to change. You have to let it go. Another trick I learned was to bring my boyfriend along on trips, so they could talk to each other and I could ignore him.
We’ll never be best friends but I had to learn to accept him. Nothing in your letter sounds like a major offense (my sister’s fiance didn’t even have a job when they got engaged!), so it’s all up to you.
AKchic_ March 6, 2012, 12:45 pm
As much as I want to take the LW to task for being immature, I also want to address the meat of the letter. She can’t articulate WHY she feels the relationship is “off” or wrong between her sister and the fiancee, it just “feels” that way. Maybe it’s her jealousy, maybe it’s her spoiled demeanor, or maybe it’s more and her intuition was right all along and she is putting up a spoiled girl front out of protection to herself as a way to minimize her own damages, as a safety mechanism?
I mean, come on – after a month, they are engaged. They have tattoos for each other. Neither of the sisters likes this guy. Could it be that he is doing such an artful dance of deception that he is isolating the fiance from the sisters for abuses later on?
This LW may not be able to articulate it due to youth/inexperience, she may very well be spoiled, but we can’t deny that something doesn’t seem right with the general behavior of the fiancee.
jlyfsh March 6, 2012, 12:55 pm
I agree that the relationship sounds off, but I think the LW needs the wake up call that if she doesn’t change her attitude, she’ll be the one who ends up losing a relationship with her sister. If she’s truly worried about her then she should be taking that approach rather than complaining about the fact that he wants the same dog as her. If it was the Sister writing in I’m sure people would have called her out on all the red flags.
And honestly if I was the Sister and these were the reasons she gave for not liking him I would probably tell her she was being ridiculous. Rather than continuing to fume about just how boring he is, why not have a conversation with the sister about how things are going and try to be a part of her life. It will definitely get her a lot further.
TaraMonster March 6, 2012, 12:57 pm
I agree, but I think the reason she can’t articulate it because she’s foaming at the mouth with jealousy.
Renee March 6, 2012, 2:51 pm
I thought I was being a prude, but the corresponding tattoos early in a relationship sent off a red flag for me.
natasha March 6, 2012, 12:50 pm
This letter has to be a joke/prank/fake. Otherwise the LW is probalby young/immature.
Yes it is hard to welcome someone to the family whole heartedly after only 3 months and if he’s got quirks that irritate you. However grow up, take a deep breath and find a better reason to not like him.
BTW I hated my brothers ex gf for years “just because” and I think I probably soudned like the LW back in my early twenties. Now I hope I never sound like this LW.
Fabelle March 6, 2012, 12:59 pm
So yeah, this letter was absolutely ridicu-hilarious but the tattoos and the rushed engagement do seem weird. If your sister ever asks your opinion again, LW, I would focus on those two points because they’re the only good legs you have to stand on.
CatsMeow March 6, 2012, 5:00 pm
Thumbs up for “ridicu-hilarious.”
2_J March 6, 2012, 1:02 pm
Yet another one on the list that i can NOT WAIT for an Update on….if she so dares. Wendy , and almost every single comment on this is spot on. Keep it up!
kittyk March 6, 2012, 1:04 pm
Is this girl for real? WOW. Okay, now I have to go back and read the advice Wendy gave- I’m sure its brilliant. I just, wow, can’t believe this LW!?!?! Can we say hypocrite!?!
summerkitten26 March 6, 2012, 1:05 pm
LW, take a deep breath and stop. Take some time to write down everything you don’t like about this guy, because like some other commenters have said, there are issues with this situation. The quick engagement and the tattoos seem very impulsive, and I’d be concerned about the lack of time spent really getting to know each other and how their lives intertwining might affect the other person positively/negatively.
Second thing you need to do is apologize to your sister. I’d even say apologize to the fiance, but your main concern is your sister, so start with her. You were incredibly rude to her and to him, on multiple occasions. You want closeness with your sister? You’re not going to get it with the way you’re behaving. You might not like him, but so long as the guy isn’t an abuser, is gainfully employed, and has legitimate potential to make your sister happy and not screw up her life from now until eternity, you have no place in her decision to marry him. If he could hurt your sister, I’d say jump right in and let her know you and the family are there to support her, but he’s not even really isolating her, from what you’ve told us.
The comments on this thread may sting, but they’re quite accurate. No one is going to take you seriously or react with sympathy when you present yourself as impossible to respect or tolerate. I’m extremely close with my family, but I have no problems cutting people who act the way you’ve described yourself for us out of my life, family or not. Quit with the childish behavior before you cost yourself your family, because if he is good for her, then the family circle is going to close around them and their new relationship and leave you on the outside.
mBookish March 6, 2012, 1:13 pm
I was really hoping that “grow up” would be part of the response.
My brother’s girlfriend and I don’t have much in common, are pretty opposite, and every one was certain that I wasn’t going to like her. But ya know what? She’s a super nice person and makes my brother incredibly happy and that was enough of a reason to give her a chance. And for two opposites? We’ve actually become really close friends over the last two years.
Sometimes you really need to change your own attitude to get the results you want.
meg March 6, 2012, 1:33 pm
LW, you left out the most important detail: What is this super-special dog breed ? I mean, this could be a game-changer here; don’t leave us hanging. I don’t see how I can give my opinion without this information…
kittyk March 6, 2012, 1:35 pm
Oh, and regarding the fact that he was “so into your sister but didn’t even ask questions about you, how disrespectful” … Did you ask questions about him? Try to start conversation with him? Try to get to know him? He’s the outsider here, not you. Regardless of how you feel he should have behaved, conversations are a two way street and it sounds like you didn’t put in any effort to get to know him, either.
jaybro March 6, 2012, 2:06 pm
I’m not trying to harp on you even more than I’ve already seen. So my advice to you being mostly to suck it up and stop trying to put you in their relationship. Just because your sister is engaged now doesn’t mean she isn’t going to be your sister anymore. And just because she’s your sister, doesn’t mean she’s going to take your opinions into account for the men she likes.
Have you ever liked anyone your sister dated? Ever? If I had to guess, I’d say no. And I’d also say that with your attitude now, you’re never going to like anybody that she’s involved with or that your other sister is involved with. You go on and on about how close your family is and how much you love them. But here’s the straight up facts- your family is growing up. You and your siblings aren’t going to have the same kind of relationship. It’s not going to be a worse relationship (and this coming from a gal who actually cried when her older sister got pregnant for the first time, thinking that I was losing her. In my defense, I was eleven.), it’s just going to be different.
I don’t think the problem is that you don’t like him personally and coming into your family. The problem is that you don’t like him taking your sister away. But again, just because your sister is engaged doesn’t mean that she’s any less of your sister. What’s going to happen when she has kids? Are you going to resent them for taking even more of your sister from you? Or are you going to be the cool aunt that they want to hang out at every opportunity? Take a deep breath and know that you can’t control every aspect of your entire family’s life. It’s going to change its dynamic. Add members, subtract members. Grow closer, grow apart. But your sister will always be your sister.
And why don’t you try venting some of your frustrations to your sister? Ask her how to better interact with her fiancé. Just an intent to accept him is a huge step and will make a big difference. Good luck!
Sally March 6, 2012, 2:36 pm
This is so well said. I’m the oldest of 3 girls, and when I started dating my now-husband, my middle sister was a complete hambeast to him for no reason. She’s a little more mature than the LW, but she also hated my BF and couldn’t articulate why. Instead, she was just openly rude to him and complained about him behind his back. It took YEARS for her to come around, but she now thinks of him as a brother.
However, about a year ago, our youngest sister started a very seriously relationship and it has all started again with my middle sister. She’s a total jerkface to this guy, deliberately twisting things he says and over-interpreting his actions as being sinister when they aren’t.
The moral of the story is that middle sister has made herself miserable. When we all get together, everyone has a good time except her, because she’s pouting about spending time with guys she hates. Families change, and you can get on board and enjoy the ride, or try to throw the brakes on all by your lonesome (hint: you won’t succeed).
MiMi March 6, 2012, 2:33 pm
hmmm, I’m thinking of a new line of greeting cards. They’ll feature a barefoot, tattooed fiance and the world’s cutest french bulldog (the dog every guy wants), wearing a little ruff around its neck – cause when I think about life lessons and heart-felt sentiment, there’s always a dude and a bulldog in a ruff, you know what I mean?
I think Miles should have answered this letter.
Jessica March 6, 2012, 3:06 pm
Pretty sure LW is not a real person but actually a deranged troll.
oldie March 6, 2012, 8:54 pm
Some people get really bent out of shape over the disrespectfulness of bare feet. My father-in-law, who was Canadian — not that this probably makes any difference, was really bothered whenever my wife didn’t wear shoes, even if she was wearing socks in our own home. He would show up at our door for an unannounced drop-in and act like he had been disrespected because she had either bare or socked feet. He felt that it ws only proper not to wear shoes or slippers in bed or in the shower. I always found this to be extemely strange.
HelloJello March 6, 2012, 9:59 pm
That’s funny… I’m Canadian, and from my experience, people here generally think it’s rude to wear shoes inside the house. Why would you even WANT to wear shoes inside? … the best part of my day is taking them off! 🙂
ktfran March 6, 2012, 4:48 pm
For those pointing out the red flags of this dude, which mostly boils down to matching tattoos and getting engaged super fast, I have to say that it takes two people to do both of these things. I think they could possibly point to red flags of whether or not this relationship will hold for the long haul, but not to this guy’s character. The sister is equally to blame. Unless she’s being forced that is.
Lucy March 6, 2012, 5:25 pm
Hell yeah, I knew this would be good when I saw it had 236 comments.
LW, for the 237th time, you are behaving like a self-centered, obnoxious brat. Whether you like this is totally irrelevant. You’re not marrying him. If you’re too obsessed with your own petty complaints to support your sister because you, you know, LOVE HER… then at least have the decency to stfu and be polite to her fiance.
Moneypenny March 6, 2012, 6:24 pm
I’m a little late to the party here but I agree with what most people have said already. If she doesn’t want to drive her sister away, she needs to approach the situation with a level head and questions that are not judgmental. She strikes me as both genuinely concerned with some aspects (the quick engagement, the tattoos), but others seem to be from a place of jealousy and immaturity (the date to the party, the lack of attention/conversation from the guy). She should talk to her, but out of a place of concern, not negativity or jealousy. I’m sure her sister could probably see right through that.
And I also thought of the saying, “Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.” If the guy is really “copying” the LW, well, isn’t that kind of a compliment? I would see it that way.
Rachel March 6, 2012, 7:09 pm
This is a joke, right?
dtime March 6, 2012, 7:30 pm
I do believe my Petty Asshole Meter exploded halfway through the letter. Is it even remotely possible that the LW is older than 16?
Francine March 6, 2012, 8:52 pm
Wow. You know how when you hear your own recorded voice played you know that’s what you really sound like but never knew it because in your own head you sound completely different? Well, I truly hope this LW has a similar experience when she sees her own words in print.
jakdrake March 6, 2012, 9:12 pm
Wow… how old are you? 12? Well I have a friend who already at their 30’s that behaving like you, so I will give you some though..
You are living in your sister apartment and complaining about her significant other? wow…
If you don’t like him, grow a backbone and move out already (except you are the “Paragon Defender of the Squatter Right”, you can stay until your sister threw you out). If you cannot afford it, just suck it up would ya?
There to many fault in your letter and you mostly talking about yourself (I…I…I..I…I..I…) and not showing some concern or joy for your sister…
And what wrong about men shopping? So men are love to shopping, especially to give surprise to their love ones, help them to buy groceries or just to have some ingredients to make some fantastic dinner for their wife/fiancee. That not strange, that most probably showing love and consideration. something that you apparently doesn’t have.
And “princess” you must realize that your sister have every right to pursue their own life and happiness… they doesn’t have to bow to your will just because you are a brat
Meredith March 6, 2012, 9:35 pm
You owe your sister a big apology, youve been incredibly and needlessly rude. You need to give her fiancé a chance. And get over the dog thing. If that’s the kind of stuff that bothers you, you have a lot to learn about life in general. But judging from the tone of your letter, I’m guessing you’re much younger. If you’re not, then the fact that all the responders are guessing you’re super young should tell you something too.
AnotherWendy March 6, 2012, 9:40 pm
I could have written this letter….almost 30 years ago, when I was 17. My sister (21) met a guy (21) who I couldn’t stand for many reasons, some of them really pathetic but I was only 17. He’s been my brother-in-law now for over 25 years. And I still don’t much care for him, for more mature reasons, but I don’t have to see him that often, she seems happy enough (I don’t understand it, but I’m not living her life), he’s the father or my two nephews that I love, and he has mellowed some over the years and is always nice and funny with my daughter. My point in telling you this is that you have to find some tolerance for this relationship because he just might be part of your extended family for decades to come. And you don’t want to spend until the year 2042 alienated from your sister, dreading every family gathering and stewing in bitterness thinking about him. You can complain about him til the sun goes down, but your sister is going to determine if he stays in her life, and thus a part of your family, or not. My advice is to accept his presence in your sister’s life has everything to do with the two of them and absolutely nothing to do with you. Minimize your interactions with him, fake nice when you need to be around him, don’t be so stubborn that you can’t acknowledge to yourself that there are things about him that are somewhat likeable/funny/interesting, and most of all don’t damage your relationship with your sister. He just may be around for the long haul. Might suck, but that’s how life is some of the time.
RhyanShae March 7, 2012, 1:07 am
A few thoughts:
1. I agree with most of the other comments: These are not exclusively the reasons to point out to your sister why you’re concerned with her choice of guys. Notwithstanding the blatant and obnoxious, “OMG WHY AM I NOT THE CENTER OF EVERYONE’S UNIVERSE” attitude that you put forth, especially with the comment that he displayed no attention for you in favor of lavishing it on the object of his affection, your choice of dog complaint is the epitome of petty. My cousin named her son a name I was considering for a possible son in my future. Should I now declare her horrible for daring to like the same thing as I?
2.Siblings, friends, even parents date and hook up with people you dislike. That is the crappy part of life. A guy friend of mine is with a woman I think is nutso. He knows I don’t have the greatest of pasts with here. Here’s the key. I still ask how she’s doing if I know something’s gone wrong/bad/she’s sick, etc. Not because I particularly care about her. I care about him. Sometimes, you swallow all the disgust, and be the best support, friend and person you can be for someone else because you care about THEM, not YOU.
3. Stop making life about you. Your sister’s relationship is not about you, your dog choices, or tattoo opinions.While I understand you MIGHT be concerned with the rashness of your sister’s choice to marry, remember: it’s HER choice, not yours.
I agree with the grow ups. Your concerns are with how he makes you feel. Your sister is marrying him. How does she feel?
fast eddie March 7, 2012, 7:13 am
No matter what the LW thinks of him, he’s going to be around for a long time so she’d better make nice or we’ll have to send her to her room until the guest leaves or she grows up.
Heather March 7, 2012, 9:30 am
I was really hoping that BGM would weigh in on this. Sigh…
JK March 7, 2012, 9:33 am
He´s off on his adventures. Lets hope that he reads all the old letters when he gets back!
delilahgem March 7, 2012, 5:13 pm
Part of me wonders if the LW met the guy first and liked her sister better.
But anyway, I guess I can understand being a little unnerved at her sister getting married so suddenly. Her presentation is just way too immature to take her side in this.
SweetPea March 8, 2012, 3:57 pm
What I am hoping the LW meant to say is:
I am really worried my sister has decided to get married to a man she has only known for three months. Is there anything I can say to her to get her to really think this through?
But… that is giving this LW way too much credit. I’d say this was a fake letter, but I have unfortunately known people like this that don’t have much self-awareness or grasp on reality.
LW- Three words in parting…
LISTEN TO WENDY.
Temperance March 9, 2012, 1:29 am
My younger sister recently announced her pregnancy by a man that I thought was the world’s biggest loser. I still think that, and I’ve kind of resigned myself to the fact that my niece or nephew is going to have a lot of challenges in this world with such a world-class asshole for a father. I’m going to cross my fingers, hope, and send my sister all of the parenting books and children’s books that I can afford, because I want my niece or nephew to have a better chance than they would with someone like Asshole for a father, who doesn’t even have a GED and has no plans on getting one.
Temperance March 9, 2012, 1:30 am
The reason that I am commenting this is that I think you’re going about it the wrong way – this guy sounds like a weirdo and a loser. But, the things that you’re picking on don’t matter, instead of addressing the actual problem, which is that you don’t like the guy.
Dan K October 13, 2013, 10:25 pm
For all the hating going on here, I think the original poster is completely in the right. This guy in question is a douche, and now–get excited–he’ll be part of your family. And you’ll have to sit through all the drama and crying and bullshit when eventually, like all over-the-top relationships, it falls apart. I see a bawling tat removal in her future too. ‘re smart enough to see it coming and you’re not happy. You’re not childish or immauture, even if you are 16 as most people want to claim. The fact is, 95% of people will give you the “Just be nice, tell her you want her to be happy” line. Let me get out a text megahorn: THAT IS FOR THE COMMON PUBLIC. YOU ARE UNIQUE, SO EMBRACE IT. MOST PEOPLE HAVE NO INTENT ON CRAFTING THEIR OWN LIFE IN ANY WAY. So…DO NOT do that…trust me. You are right to be concerned, you love your sister. So, in my eyes, you need to do one thing–decide right away how you are going to deal with it moving forward. Being wishy-washy (hating on it, being dismissive…then taking sissy advice and ‘being supportive’) is THE WORST thing you can do. It will make you seem like a reactive baby, which in this situation is a very thin line to walk. Write out every conceivable reason you do not want him to be with her. Cross out every line that isn’t based solely in your own psyche and focus on the ones that remain…if they’re relevant, voice them to her–once. Then you’ve said your peace. Chill knowing at least you’ve done what you could. Then let the cards fall where they may. Life isn’t what happens to you, it’s how you react to it. Good luck.