Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“He’s Posting Pictures of His New Girlfriend on Instagram”

I’m 21 and I met my boyfriend in April, 2012, and we started dating the following week. We had, like, this instant connection, so I kinda thought we would last. I live in Germany, and he is in the military and was stationed here. In March, 2013, he had to move back to the States. Saying goodbye to him was the hardest thing, and I felt as if my life were over.

About four weeks after he left, I booked a flight to Colorado to see him, and I spent three weeks with him there. I later spent my entire summer break with him in Colorado again. It was perfect. Then, for his 28th birthday in October, I went to see him again. We even bought a puppy together. I then went back for Christmas and New Year’s. So I flew to Colorado four times in total to visit him, and I now realize how crazy that was because I spent so much money (and time and effort).

My birthday was a few days after Valentine’s Day, and he told me over Skype that he got me something for both occasions and that he would mail the gifts out soon. (Four weeks later, I am still waiting…). When we Skyped, everything seemed perfect — he even told me to come visit him in April for our 2-year anniversary and that he would take me camping before he gets deployed. But then, four days after we Skyped, I woke up to a text from him. It said, “I have someone else now.” That’s all he texted me. I replied, “What?” but he never texted me back. That was the last time we “talked.”

I don’t understand how he could go from wanting me to visit him in April to replacing me within only four days? How is that even possible? He has been talking a lot of shit about me to his friends and my best friend, and he even sent around some of the pictures he has of me and he is telling dirty lies about me, making it look like I was the bad guy. I was so crazy about him though. I spoiled him so much — for his birthday I got him VIP concert tickets to see Chris Brown (his favourite singer), which cost me, like, 400 bucks. And he didn’t even give me a card for my birthday.

A few days ago he posted a picture on Instagram of himself with his new girl, and the caption read “Friday Night Crush.” He always uses Instagram only for the filters and then uploads the pictures on Facebook, but he didn’t do that this time. Do you think he did that because he knew I would see the picture? I got so upset because he looks so happy. Not like fake happy — he looks genuinely happy with that new girl. How can he forget me so fast? Also, why doesn’t he seem to care that I am not trying to talk to him?

Another problem I have is that I still have things of mine at his apartment in Colorado, like some clothes, an xbox, and a Hello Kitty toaster with matching microwave. I bought all these things with my money and I kind of want them back, but I don’t know how I can get them since he is not talking to me and I don’t want to seem desperate by trying to talk to him.

I am still not over him. I truly loved him with all of my heart even though he didn’t do much for me — I was always the one making all the effort. I know I have to forget him and move on, but I just don’t understand how he can move on so fast and not even care about me anymore. — Missing Hello Kitty

Well, what did you expect? I mean, his favorite singer is Chris Brown. Honestly, I’d consider this a bullet dodged. A few years from now you’re going to look back at this relationship and go, “Oh, God, what was I thinking?” At least if you’re smart, you will. Because this guy sounds like an asshole. And I’m sure you felt like you had a connection and there must have been chemistry and I guess there was something about him you liked, although in seven paragraphs you didn’t list a single thing, but the guy’s an ass. You’re better off without him.

It will take some time, but you’ll move on. You’ll get over him. There will be other relationships.

The thing you can do right now is remember that what you see on social media — Facebook, Instagram, what have you — is not reality. Just because someone posts a picture looking happy doesn’t mean he’s happy all the time. It doesn’t mean he’s even happy in that moment. Hell, I’ve posted pictures of food that wasn’t mine just because I liked the way it looked, so I’m sure people have posted pictures of dates they were ambivalent about just because they like the way they look. And even if your ex IS as happy as you think he looks in his pictures, I can assure you that his happiness will never be anything meaningful because he lacks emotional depth. It’s why he was able to move on from you so quickly and it’s why he’ll never know true, intimate love — the kind of love that fills you with joy and makes your heart hurt when it ends. And that’s too bad for him, because the ability to feel deeply is a gift, because for as much as the lows hurt, the highs are greater than anything.

As for getting your stuff back, I say write it off. With all the money you’ll be saving not flying to Colorado every three months and buying VIP tickets to see angry wife-beaters perform, you’ll be able to afford a new Hello Kitty toaster (oh, look — there’s one 80% off on Amazon!). Maybe in addition to a matching microwave, you can even get a matching Hello Kitty coffee pot, too, because why not? This is the time to treat yourself. Do the things your crappy ex wouldn’t do. Buy yourself some gifts. Take yourself on a trip that isn’t halfway across the world.

Oh, and FFS, block the ex on social media. You don’t need him or his smiling flavor of the month in your face every time you log on.

P.S. This Hello Kitty slow cooker is just 20 bucks.



You can follow me on Facebook here and Twitter here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

99 comments… add one
  • Copa March 13, 2014, 9:20 am

    “[T]he ability to feel deeply is a gift, because for as much as the lows hurt, the highs are greater than anything.”

    This is something I really needed to hear today. Thanks, Wendy! I have to go to a meeting but maybe I’ll come back to, um, actually comment on the LW’s situation and not just my own. 🙂

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  • Hurricanem March 13, 2014, 9:26 am

    I can’t offer any more advice than what Wendy already said. So I’ll just say that I’m sorry you’re going through this and that I’m pulling for you! Best of luck, LW.

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  • bethany March 13, 2014, 9:26 am

    I don’t even like Hello Kitty, but that coffee pot is calling my name.

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  • PumpkinLatte March 13, 2014, 9:28 am

    Wendy, this is a great response – especially for the quote that Copa pointed out. LW, don’t pick at the scab. Block your ex from all social media. Not because he’s looking at your profile, but so that you don’t look at his. It will help you move on faster, I promise.

    Anyways , I have that Hello Kitty toaster. It’s a great toaster, so I understand why you want it back. Take Wendy’s advice and just buy a new one. And now I’m spiraling down into Hello Kitty product land on Amazon. An electric kettle!?

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  • Anon March 13, 2014, 9:28 am

    But he has her XBOX! That shit’s expensive! I’m all for writing him off, and splurging on cute Hello Kitty stuff, but how the hell is she supposed to get her Xbox back?

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    • bethany March 13, 2014, 9:31 am

      Aside from asking him to send it to her, there’s nothing she can do to get it back. What’s she going to do, fly from Germany to Colorado to get her Xbox? That costs more than the stupid thing does.

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    • Christy March 13, 2014, 9:32 am

      Well, I kind of get the sense that she gave him the xbox, you know? Why would you leave an xbox in another country? Can you even use an xbox in the US and in Germany, what with the different voltages? Because, LW, you don’t get your gifts back.

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      • Portia March 13, 2014, 9:55 am

        Totally agree, it’s not like she brought it from Germany and forgot it there or something. When someone gives a gift, there’s no assumption those things should be returned in case of breakup. Although I had an ex who decided it’d be a good idea to put everything I’d ever given him into a box and leave it on my parents’ doorstep. That was one awkward phone call with my mom…

      • katie March 13, 2014, 10:07 am

        i totally did that in high school. haha…. oh it was so crazypants.
        the best part was that after i was a little more level headed i asked for a few of the things back! lol

      • muchachaenlaventana March 13, 2014, 10:11 am

        I actually did this with my first boyfriend and I kind of regret it because I gave back the hundreds of post cards/love letters/ poems/drawings he did for me. Some things managed to escape my purge and I sort of treasure them as a memento of this crazy love and although it was so necessary to get over him, looking back now it would be nice to have some of those things when I am older as a little reminder of how intense that first-love was.

      • katie March 13, 2014, 10:15 am

        yea, that was what happened to me too- i was like, oh shit, i actually want to keep all those pictures, regardless of us breaking up.
        it was definitely an awkward conversation though lol

      • muchachaenlaventana March 13, 2014, 10:26 am

        I have thought over the years of asking for some stuff back but yeah, um that would be SO awkward. And it also took me a really long time to get over him, so like 2 years after the break up asking for stuff back would have been sort of stalkerish-although he did tell me that they were mine and would always be there if I wanted them.

      • Fabelle March 13, 2014, 10:11 am

        Yeah, my ex sent packages of stuff after we broke up— not just shit I’d given as gifts, but anything that I ever touched, basically. A lemonade pitcher, cds, lube(!!), a magazine I never saw before (but that reminded him of me), a shirt of his that I had sewed a button on…

      • muchachaenlaventana March 13, 2014, 10:13 am

        hahaha okay that is extreme.

      • lets_be_honest March 13, 2014, 10:14 am

        That’s just fantastic.

      • sms841 March 13, 2014, 12:29 pm

        I had an ex who had his mother mail me my things. He was 25. Bullet dodged in that breakup.

  • katie March 13, 2014, 9:32 am

    “I mean, his favorite singer is Chris Brown. Honestly, I’d consider this a bullet dodged” –bahaha, i love you wendy!

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    • Ella_ March 13, 2014, 9:35 am

      Yeah seriously! I can safely say I would never date anyone whose favorite singer is Chris Brown.

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    • muchachaenlaventana March 13, 2014, 9:55 am

      yeah that was exactly what I was thinking and then I saw it was Wendy’s first line! Perfect.

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    • GatorGirl March 13, 2014, 10:01 am

      I was going to type the exact same thing.

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  • Lyra March 13, 2014, 9:33 am

    This sounds like a case of a “special love”. LW, I’m sure you did have good chemistry, but in the long run he really doesn’t sound like good boyfriend material. He tells you all these things that he’s going to do…and then he doesn’t follow through.

    Your life will go on. You will find other guys who will treat you MUCH BETTER than this guy. You’ll find guys who show you they care about you so much so that you won’t ever doubt their intentions.

    Please block him from ALL social media. The best thing I ever did was to block my ex on Facebook. You can do it! It’s actually quite freeing.

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    • Lyra March 13, 2014, 9:58 am

      I’m also wondering why you left all that stuff at his place? It’s one thing if you see each other on weekends and are visiting frequently, but from Colorado to Germany? That’s odd to me.

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      • muchachaenlaventana March 13, 2014, 10:02 am

        She probably bought it in the states and just left it there, I can’t imagine lugging all that stuff trans-Atlantic as it would increase baggage fees substantially.

      • GatorGirl March 13, 2014, 10:15 am

        Yeah, I don’t get the stuff accumulation thing. What’s the point of having an awesome toaster you only get to use 4 times a year?

      • bagge72 March 13, 2014, 10:33 am

        How does nobody care about this puppy!

      • honeybeenicki March 13, 2014, 11:05 am

        I was wondering that myself. If it were me, I’d be a lot less worried about the Hello Kitty toaster and more worried about my puppy. But, I guess in reality she only saw the puppy a few times, so it’s not really “hers.”

  • Morgan March 13, 2014, 9:34 am

    So glad Wendy identified Chris Brown as the first red flag, because I had the exact same reaction.

    Seriously though, it sounds like the relationship was fun, maybe, but you were the one making all the fun things happen. You were flying to see him, you were paying for experiences and gifts, etc. And when he was in Germany, the relationship was easy for him; you were right there. But this is not a guy interested in putting one iota of work in himself, so he moved on to someone closer. Because non-long distance relationships are easier. And I wouldn’t worry about the new girlfriend; he’s about to be deployed, so I’m sure he’ll be moving on from her to someone more local pretty soon. Block him on social media and move on.

    As for the issue of contacting him– the hello kitty stuff is replaceable, and even the xbox is less than than April trip would have been. So, I guess my question is how much do you like/how replaceable are the clothes? If you can live without, just write them off and move on. If it’s your most comfortable sweater, try one more time to contact him asking for your stuff back. Then it’s on him.

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  • Fabelle March 13, 2014, 9:54 am

    I hate calling fake, but is this,”like”, for real? It’s not a far-fetched situation at all, but the way it’s written… um.

    LW, if this is genuine, then I’m sorry you were blindsided so hard. The only thing to do though is block him & count your missing stuff as a loss. & Definitely don’t drop so much money during the beginning stages of your next relationship.

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    • Banana March 13, 2014, 10:10 am

      I’m inclined to believe it’s real, because it’s silly but not very…juicy, you know? If someone’s going to write a fake letter, normally they’d do something REALLY outrageous. This, I can actually believe happened, and it’s not so far-fetched that it sounds like someone just made it up for attention. Maybe the “like” at the beginning was meant sarcastically, or maybe as an ESL speaker she doesn’t realize how that word comes across as extremely immature. Then again, she’s also 21. So, that.

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      • Fabelle March 13, 2014, 10:52 am

        haha I mean, I say “like” a lot too, but the insertions seemed to be in weird spots? I dunno. (And the details are too… funny? Chris Brown, Hello Kitty? I know Wendy checks, but just explaining a little as to why this letter in particular set off my radar!)

  • katie March 13, 2014, 9:54 am

    ok, real advice though- this guy is obviously an ass- i mean maybe, MAYBE, giving him a huge benefit of the doubt you guys never were exclusive, you made all those trips on your own accord, he never actually promised you anything, bla bla bla- maybe that happened. if it did, well, LW, you need to act less on emotions and more on concrete things. i dont mean like, squish your emotions down where you never feel them anymore, but, you know, you have to be smart about stuff. travelling 4 times in a year to see someone half way around the world without some kind of something established -even if it is just, hey, this is fun, no pressure, but id like to keep seeing you- is not smart.
    so whatever the circumstances surrounding it, what has happened since is that this guy found someone else and doesnt want to date you anymore. dont go any further then that. i mean we could speculate alllllll day (and dw is particularly good at it!) about what happened, what is going through his head, ect. but just dont. i mean if you find it fun, sure, go for it… but im assuming that wouldnt be fun for you. so just let it go. he broke up with you.

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  • LlamaPajamas March 13, 2014, 9:58 am

    I’m sorry. 🙁 You were together for two years so it’s going to take a while to get over him. Which sucks, but I agree with everyone else that you’re way better off without him. I know how hard it is when an ex seems like they’ve seamlessly moved on, but you don’t know for sure that he has. But, worst case scenario (I find these immensely helpful) – he *did* move on that quickly, which shows that he wasn’t that invested in you or the relationship, and he did you a huge favor in the long run. Take some time to wallow, then chalk this up to a sucky life lesson that makes you better prepared to find a guy who better meets your needs in the future.

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  • BecBoo84 March 13, 2014, 9:59 am

    LW, I am sorry about your broken heart; however, this might have been my favorite DW response ever due to the constant Hello Kitty references!

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  • Miel March 13, 2014, 10:00 am

    This is just a really good case of “actions speak louder than words”. Regardless of what he would tell you, or how great of a connexion you had, it really looks like at the end of the day, he was simply not buying plane tickets, and he was simply not sending you gifts, and he simply didn’t see the point of spending money for you, because you were seemingly happy just with the words he was saying.

    It was not foolish to buy all those plane tickets… but only if he had bought the same amount to visit you! And if he couldn’t visit you, he should have offered to pay for half the price! Some people think it’s not romantic to evaluate a relationship based on the money spent, and I would agree if we were talking about “he didn’t pay for my milkshake at Steak & Shakes” but we are talking about plane tickets from Europe. And that’s a big deal and a big sign of who’s into the relationship and who’s not.

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  • Portia March 13, 2014, 10:03 am

    “I don’t understand how he could go from wanting me to visit him in April to replacing me within only four days?” Because wanting you to visit costs him nothing. What was he going to do, say he didn’t want you to visit? I’ve seen this so many times in long-distance relationships, even fairly serious ones, where one person has already checked out. Wanting you to visit him is not evidence of his feelings, making plans to visit you is, and it doesn’t sound like he ever visited you. It’s over, get on with your life.

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  • GatorGirl March 13, 2014, 10:03 am

    OMG Wendy your response is too perfect. I kind of want a Hello Kitty slow cooker right now.

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    • Banana March 13, 2014, 10:19 am

      I want that toaster at the top of the post! And I don’t even like Hello Kitty!

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  • Addie Pray March 13, 2014, 10:08 am

    LW, it kind of makes you wonder who he was seeing before you two met and had an instant connection and started dating the following week, you know? Maybe a girlfriend of 4 years – or even a fiancée – someone he left behind when he deployed to Germany and then dumped via text the second he met you. He’s an ass. I’m sorry he strung you along for so long.

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    • katie March 13, 2014, 10:13 am

      ohh good theory! this happens all the time in the military supposedly…

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      • tudorprincess March 13, 2014, 10:56 am

        Sigh…not supposedly. It does happen. A LOT. It’s not just the guys, either. I saw plenty of girl dump the back home boyfriends for the readily available meat at the barracks.

  • Banana March 13, 2014, 10:11 am

    Don’t ask for the Hello Kitty stuff back. Just send him a Hello Kitty tee shirt, with a note, “To wear at your next Chris Brown concert.”

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  • Banana March 13, 2014, 10:21 am

    On a positive note, some people have mentioned moving on from very traumatic breakups and finding something to learn from them, and even memories to treasure, once the pain is gone. Look at it this way: you got to visit Colorado! I’ve heard CO is awesome. You can now tell your grandchildren, one day, that you were so crazy for love you flew halfway around the world. That’s pretty cool. And you filled a macho military guy’s home with Hello Kitty gear, which is just a win for life, basically. After your heart recovers from the pain, and perhaps even after you find another love, you can look back on this experience and say, “Yep, I lived my life, and boy did I live it.”

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    • sisisodapop March 13, 2014, 12:32 pm

      I love you, Banana

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  • Stonegypsy March 13, 2014, 9:28 am

    What a complete ass 🙁
    You are so so much better off not in a relationship with a guy who would do that to someone. Breakups suck a lot, and the loss of your stuff is kind of a pain, but now you can be single for awhile, and open to a relationship where you’re not the one making all of the effort. And Wendy’s totally right, think of all the money you’ll save!

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  • scattol March 13, 2014, 10:48 am

    Wendy, you must be rich, the slow cooker is already out of stock!

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  • Guy Friday March 13, 2014, 10:49 am

    Ok, yeah, the guy’s an ass, but is anyone going to point out the following:

    [i]”Then, for his 28th birthday in October, I went to see him again. [b]We even bought a puppy together.”[/b][/i]

    Uh . . you live in Germany. He lives in Colorado. WHY WOULD YOU BUY A PUPPY TOGETHER? So you can see the puppy once every three months? So that he’d feel connected to you?

    Look, I get that military relationships are really tough to maintain, especially ones where the military person is stationed/lives halfway around the world. But you moved WAY too fast WAY too soon, and I guess I’m thinking that if you’re saying “I truly loved him with all of my heart” that it wasn’t actually love you felt, or rather that you thought it was love but that it was something else that you didn’t realize. I think that while this sucks it can be a valuable lesson to be a bit more cautious and guarded in the future and make sure things are a bit more stable and maintainable before you throw yourself heart and soul into the relationship.

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    • Guy Friday March 13, 2014, 10:50 am

      Has anyone else noticed that the ability to do paragraphs is gone? Is there some HTML code that I’m missing that fixes this? Because I’ve tried a couple of things, and none of it seems to work.

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      • Christy March 13, 2014, 11:16 am

        Just put a period in the blank space.
        Like this.

      • Guy Friday March 13, 2014, 12:20 pm

        Got it.
        Thanks! That was really annoying me 🙂

      • Diablo March 13, 2014, 12:54 pm

        GF, I took it as a hint that we aren’t a-sposed to write our novel length posts anymore.

    • katie March 13, 2014, 11:02 am

      sadly, this happens all the time. people buy animals all the time with no regard to really anything related to actually, you know, having an animal. at the shelter i volunteer with we get the really dumb reasons usually from dog owners- i have no idea why, but we do. for instance, the guy who brought in a one year old great dane, saying that he bought the puppy online and had no idea it would get so big. or, the guy who brought in a 10 month old purebred king charles spaniel (price tag of around 2 grand the dog people told me) who said that his wife just didnt want it anymore.
      my friend who was in the marines until just a little while ago bought a puppy a few years ago, too. i dont get it at all. he deployed twice, i think, while he owned it. its ridiculous.

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      • honeybeenicki March 13, 2014, 11:07 am

        I volunteered at a shelter for awhile years ago and someone brought a cat in and said they didn’t know it would shed so much (it was a long haired cat) and they wouldn’t mind so much, but it didn’t match the furniture so the hair showed up really well.

      • GatorGirl March 13, 2014, 11:09 am

        We rescued a St Bernard when I was a kid and the reason it was surrendered was “they didn’t know how big it would get”. WTF?

      • kerrycontrary March 13, 2014, 11:09 am

        In terms of people in the military with dogs…..pets can be really helpful to people who have been in active combat. These pets don’t usually end up in shelters as other service members or family members are willing to take of them. People can’t predict when they’ll be deployed (my fiance has escaped ever being deployed and my sister has only been deployed once in 7 years). As long as someone is there to care for the pet and there’s a contingency plan, I don’t think it’s bad. Yes dogs crave stability, but my dog is perfectly fine whenever she goes to “visit grandma” for a few weeks.

      • Banana March 13, 2014, 11:19 am

        Same here. My brother in the military has a dog — he and his wife got one soon after marriage, and then he was deployed twice in two years. The first time, the dog went to stay with my parents for a couple of months while my SIL stayed with family (complicated story). The dog loves my parents and still has a special bond with my Dad, and gets extra excited whenever he visits. Hopefully my brother won’t get deployed again in the near future, because his previous two are so recent and close together, and the USAF likes to spread them out. But I just wanted to chime in as well to say that it’s sad when military members drop pets at shelters, but being in the military does not automatically mean someone’s going to be a bad pet owner.

      • iwannatalktosampson March 13, 2014, 12:25 pm

        I agree with that in theory, but the problem is that most people don’t have a contingency plan, because they’re impulsive idiots.

      • katie March 13, 2014, 12:53 pm

        yea i agree. and my friend definitely didnt buy with thoughts of “oh yea im going to potentially be gone for months and months, maybe i should think this through” – luckily this dog was able to go to an aunt for one deployment, i think, and then through the other one he was married, so his wife had it, but then the wife’s kid was allergic and so he had to dump the dog with friends again anyway….
        also, i think there is a really thin line with just letting other people take care of animals. sometimes its fine, like with people who’s family members are around constantly and actually do have relationships with the animals- but i fear that a lot of the time too the animal is left with someone it doesnt really know that well, so is essentially abandoned, if it even had the opportunity to bond with the original owner at all, and that isnt good for the animal.
        im really torn on military people, or any people who will be gone for months/years at a time owning pets, honestly.

      • iwannatalktosampson March 13, 2014, 1:02 pm

        YES! Thank you for bringing up the emotional damage to the animal too. Even if you do have someone that can physically care for the dog it’s really stressful for (some) dogs to get a new pack. Sampson for example, would legitimately get depressed. When I moved in with my brother it took MONTHS for him to not cry as soon as I left the house. Now he’s fine and loves my brother – but that dog does not adjust well to anything.

      • iwannatalktosampson March 13, 2014, 12:23 pm

        I swear people who that can give up animals like that are stage 1 sociopaths. They’re just one step away from harming animals, which is one step away from killing people. They’re hurting them by inaction instead of action. The chances of a “not puppy” getting adopted are so small, so they’re essentially giving them up with no clue what’s going to happen to them.

        So yes, stage 1 sociopaths. You dodged a real bullet here LW.

      • Lyra March 13, 2014, 1:52 pm

        That’s just dumb. People suck sometimes.

    • lets_be_honest March 13, 2014, 11:05 am

      Eh, she may very well have loved him and she might’ve just gone with him when HE got a puppy.

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  • No Pants March 13, 2014, 11:01 am

    I know it probably feels like your heart has been run over by a tractor trailer. But I can promise that once you get through the grief, you’ll probably feel a sense of relief that you no longer have to deal with this turd. Also, keep reading the last paragraph in your letter – you recognize that he didn’t bring anything to the relationship. You deserve so much more than that. Spend this time being good to yourself and being around the people who DO care and who DO make your life magical. It may all seem in vain at first, but it will help you move forward. And then, one awesome day, you will realize that you’re past it and that is a lovely, amazing feeling.

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  • honeybeenicki March 13, 2014, 11:03 am

    LW, I think you need to just let go of the stuff you left at his place, block him from all social media and move on with your life. Call it a life lesson and learn from it.

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  • Kate B. March 13, 2014, 11:15 am

    I have a friend who has a Hello Kitty car. It’s got the floor mats, the seat covers, the steering wheel cover, decals, everything. It started as a joke between him and his wife. Needless to say, he is very secure in his masculinity. And, no one will ever steal his car. It’s pretty awesome.

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  • Kate B. March 13, 2014, 11:32 am

    By the way, I wish people would think before buying animals together. They are not accessories. If you want to buy something cute and fuzzy, get a teddy bear. Or a Hello Kitty pillow pet.

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    • lets_be_honest March 13, 2014, 11:38 am

      Or a baby!

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  • iwannatalktosampson March 13, 2014, 12:21 pm

    Wendy I love you the first thing I thought of after reading that was, “well that’s what happens when you date someone that worships Chris Brown.” Gross. That’s all.

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  • Wendy (not Wendy) March 13, 2014, 12:37 pm

    I think the stuff about how he seemed to move on so fast is probably really deceptive. I was in an international long-distance relationship and I think for both of us the relationship really lived in a fantasy world, where we were only physically together when I was “on vacation”, where it was always really nice to think of how you have this person who adores you in another country… no matter what kind of crappy day you had, that person ALWAYS adores you because they’re not actually there doing the real-life stuff. An international boyfriend is never sitting at home in a litter of pizza boxes and beer when you get home after a long shift–he’s always in his country, being lovable and loving you, if that’s what you feel like thinking. On the other hand, real life keeps going on around you. He met someone else, and that doesn’t mean at ALL that he didn’t also want to take you camping in Colorado after you conveniently flew to see him–at least, part of him did. It’s easy to compartmentalize when you hardly ever see your SO and s/he lives in another country. He wanted to take you camping (even if it wasn’t enough to work at it very hard) but he was also moving on.
    I know that’s not fun to think about, but I hope it helps you make some sense of it. In other words, it didn’t take him only four days to move on. It sounds like moving on was running parallel to his borderline fantasy relationship with you.

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    • lets_be_honest March 13, 2014, 12:38 pm

      Damn, now I want an international boyfriend. You make it sound dreamy.

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      • Miel March 13, 2014, 1:49 pm

        It is dreamy. And then every time there’s a relationship column telling you “you should go on a two-week vacation” to determine if you’re well-matched with someone, you can always say “hey, we always go on two-week vacation ! Actually, it’s every single time we see each other ! And they are amazing !”

  • Bittergaymark March 13, 2014, 12:47 pm

    Eh, if anybody saddled me with a Hello Kitty toaster — I’d dump them via text right quick.

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    • Diablo March 13, 2014, 12:58 pm

      You just don’t like to put anything in a girl’s kitty, you brute.

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    • iwannatalktosampson March 13, 2014, 1:03 pm

      Agreed. Unless you’re 5 on the playground. And in that case you’d dump them the next week anyway because your options are endless.

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  • Jenniferw March 13, 2014, 1:02 pm

    I suddenly want a Hello Kitty toaster.

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  • Addie Pray March 13, 2014, 1:06 pm

    So I’m interested in knowing what LW and the boyfriend had discussed before he moved to Colorado. LW makes no mention of it – were they even still together? Any plan for LW to move to be with him? Sounds like when he left there was no plan…. Which means really he didn’t just quickly move on, he had months and months and months of time – with visits from you sprinkled here and there which I’m sure he enjoyed …. And THEN he found someone he wanted to be exclusive with. So you know he may not have moved on as quickly as you think. Just one theory.

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    • Copa March 13, 2014, 2:16 pm

      Yessss. I don’t think he moved on “fast” at all. I think he just wasn’t invested anymore. Which sucks in it’s own right, LW, especially because you WERE. So, it’s okay to feel hurt/sad/betrayed/whatever. He sucks — I think 28 is too old to act carelessly with someone else’s feelings.

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      • iwannatalktosampson March 13, 2014, 2:28 pm

        Copa you’ve been commenting again lately I like it!

      • theattack March 13, 2014, 2:32 pm

        For real. I’ve been concerned.

      • Copa March 13, 2014, 6:34 pm

        Hiiii, Guys! I hit rock bottom but I think I’m back? Haha.

  • Findingtheearth March 13, 2014, 1:08 pm

    Move on. I cringed when I saw you paid to see Chris Brown. Yuck.

    If you did all this traveling and time and effort, I understand being so upset. You need to find someone who will devote as much time and energy to you as you do to them

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  • Addie Pray March 13, 2014, 1:34 pm

    YOU GUYZZZZ – it’s moving day. I have a framed picture of me and my stupid ex of 4 minutes that he had framed and gave me for Xmas. I can just throw it away, right? The frame is boring and I don’t really need it right? Also I have soooooo much stuff how is this possible?

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    • theattack March 13, 2014, 1:44 pm

      Definitely throw it out.

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    • rachel March 13, 2014, 1:45 pm

      Throw it away. It’ll feel good to be rid of it!

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    • Diablo March 13, 2014, 1:45 pm

      Stuff gets lost and broken in moves all the time, and not always by accident.

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    • GatorGirl March 13, 2014, 1:48 pm

      Throw the photo out and donate the frame!

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    • Addie Pray March 13, 2014, 2:41 pm

      Ok picture is out! Also, man, I have so much hair. I’ll wipe down a surface and there’s all these long strands of brown hair. They appear out of no where! I’ve said this before and it’s so true: I could NEVER commit a crime because my hair would be all over the scene.

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  • Ann March 13, 2014, 2:19 pm

    Thanks everyone for your advice, I’m the one who sent Wendy the email and yes this is not fake. It happened to me and it sucks.
    We were already dating for a year before he moved to CO and we did talk about getting married. He told me he had a ring waiting for me when I go see him in April.
    And no his new girl is definitely new. He told my best friend that he met someone really special. It must have been around valentines day which is kinda funny cause my birthday was 2 days after and like I said we skyped and he told me about camping and the engagement ring.
    As far as the things I left at his place go, I bought them for us to use while I’m over there since we did talk about me moving over there eventually. I really miss our puppy. We split the cost for him 🙁 shouldn’t have done that. I know.
    I think it’s ironic how he dumped me via text cause that’s super immature yet he would give me BS for not being on his “level” like he always complained that I was still living at home, don’t have my degree yet and stuff like that.
    I’m slowly starting to see all the bad things about our relationship

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    • Lyra March 13, 2014, 11:24 pm

      Sounds like this was a major bullet dodged! I’m glad you didn’t waste more time with him. 🙂 Not to mention the fact that you’re not on his “level”?? Ummm…I would agree, but by the sounds of it you’re on a HIGHER level than he is.

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    • Copa March 14, 2014, 9:06 am

      LW – 🙁

      If it’s any consolation, I’ve been almost exactly where you are before. (Serious relationship, boyfriends who were all “I SEE A FUTURE WITH YOU! LET’S TALK ABOUT IT!” a hot second before being like “J/K I’M ACTUALLY WITH HER!”) Sadly, I’ve been there twice. One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to hear was my first serious boyfriend tell me he no longer loved me and was actually in love with someone else before they rode off into the sunset together. So yeah, believe me when I say I know how badly it hurts.

      Butttt, 28 year olds should know better than to treat another person like your ex treated you. And he should definitely know that even for long distance relationships, texts are an immature way to break up with someone. You’re not on his level at all — you’re much, much better.

      Try really hard not to check on his social media. It’s amazing how much better you’ll feel if you’re not constantly looking at what he’s up to! Good luck!

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  • Lucy March 13, 2014, 2:26 pm

    Chris Fucking Brown?! Case closed. Next time, pick a guy who doesn’t idolize a violent narcissist.

    But seriously. LW, from your letter I get the sense that you’ve already teased out all the lessons you need to learn from this relationship. You just need to give them time to sink in and become real to you. This guy is a bag of dicks and you dodged a bullet. Someday, when you’re not feeling so used and rejected, you’ll be grateful he showed his true colours.

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  • rieux March 13, 2014, 2:56 pm

    Best first line ever! Yay Wendy. She’s right, too. Why would you ever date someone whose favorite singer was Chris Brown?

    But yeah, the xbox has to hurt. Write to him once (if you know of any lawyers who owe you favors, you might ask them to email him instead!) and ask him formally to give it back to you, if it’s truly yours. There’s probably not much else you can do, though. :-/

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  • TheTruth March 13, 2014, 11:53 pm

    Spent 12 years overseas. Seen this a million times.

    She got played.

    Black guys stationed in the military have a reputation for playing foreign girls… maybe he isn’t black… (Chris Brown)… yeah he is.

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    • GatorGirl March 14, 2014, 8:34 am

      Um…racist much?

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  • Ann March 14, 2014, 3:59 am

    He is mexican

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  • acastil5 March 15, 2014, 4:51 pm

    I feel for you…because my ex just broke up with me in a similarly asshole-ish way…over Gchat, when I wasn’t even logged in. It’s hard to believe that someone you trusted could ever be such an asshole, that the effort you put into the relationship wasn’t even worth a face to face break-up. But that’s on them. The way he broke up with you should just spare you from feeling any hurt, even though I know that is easier said than done. I went to New Orleans by myself on a whim, had a great time, and I imagine being in Germany you have plenty of great trip choices, so I would just get out. Get away from everything that reminds you of him (Half the shitty knick knacks in my apartment are from him) and congratulate yourself for dodging that bullet.

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  • jimmyjam April 22, 2014, 12:38 pm

    Red Flag number 1 – Chris Brown is his favorite singer. Your checks have been cashed on this guy , move on and move quickly. Right off all monies invested as a lesson learned, the hard way. Turn him off on all social media and same for his friends. Throw everything away, dont mail, exchange or anything else as it only causes more drama, conflict, etc.

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  • Jackie May 27, 2017, 8:50 am

    While my relationship wasn’t long distance and it went twice as long, I can still relate to how she feels/felt. It’s a mix of feelings and confusing when one minute you’re with someone, seemingly it’s all fine and happy, then boom. It’s just it. Then they’re with someone else.

    But I think if you look deeper too, or the larger picture, you’ll see how the relationship wasn’t as perfect or as ideal as thought or even literally in reality. I mean, all of the negatives pointed out about the guy. Empty promises. How he so easily moved on. He wasn’t a good boyfriend. And people don’t snap a finger and suddenly change. I doubt this guy, even if he seems smitten, is going to be any different for any other woman. That’d take some serious work and this is a guy who couldn’t even keep his word. All talk. Wendy is right that he also lacks emotional depth because again he so quickly could jump into something else. He maybe wasn’t as invested, probably could’ve had support and love and attention from you and enjoyed that, but on the other end could’ve given you a lot more too.

    My ex is the same. My relationship realistically wasn’t as ideal or even great overall. But I adored the guy. It started off with a deep connection. It was amazing at first. But then after about a year I saw some red flags. He’d lie about even little things. Didn’t keep his word, even for small plans or dates. They just sometimes wouldn’t happen. But I’d feel so flattered to think he would do xyz. But he wasn’t even emotionally good to me. Because he lacked emotional depth. Any time I was aggravated or bothered, especially if it was about him, he’d shut down. Or flip it around and make it like it was my problem or fault. Barely anything would be resolved because even if he did stop whatever or if whatever was fixed, he’d just do whatever he wanted to again. He justified everything he did anyway. Even if it was wrong or disrespectful. He’d talk and flirt with other women behind my back, he had to, since a couple times girls were so into him on his social media. And one time he even got a love letter!! He had to be talking to other women in some way then while dating me. He tried to end it with me a few times but would always want to make up. I think selfishly on his end because I was all he had. Well December he suddenly dumped me. Saying how he didn’t see a future with me and hadn’t for a while. And all these hurtful things. It turns out he just left me for someone else. Because the same day he dumped me, the girl he is with now turned single herself. He saw an opportunity and took it. I shouldn’t have been surprised but I was. Until I processed it all and reflected like I have. He’s just an asshole.

    And any guy that can just do something like that after years with someone, so casually and seamlessly, didn’t truly care to begin with or couldn’t for anyone. I don’t see men like this changing unless they really work on themselves. But when they can’t even keep their word for small plans or really work on a relationship I don’t expect them to work on themselves much. Plus to go from one thing right into another? Think of all the baggage that’s being dragged into that “new” relationship. The foundation of it isn’t even starting off as a good solid one. In my case this girl knew my ex left me for her. And I can’t believe that isn’t a red flag to her. Not to mention their relationship status was initially and is linked up to some side Facebook account he made. He shows her off now and seems smitten. But my ex is emotionally screwed up. I don’t see him in the long run treating her magically any better. It’s fun and new for now but what about when that wears off? I think for anyone stuck, that’s good to keep in mind too. While we can move on and find meaningful and deep connections, these guys won’t truly be happy deep down, or constantly jumping from person to person or opportunity as it seems fit for them.

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  • Guest user June 11, 2017, 1:16 am

    I know the feeling. Trust me, I’m going through something similar. We were together for three years and he left me for another girl just two days after he met her. One day we’re talking about our weekend plans, next day he’s in love with someone else. I myself am having a hard time getting over him but that’s the only thing I can do right now (other than self destruction). I loved him with all my heart but now that I’m seeing him with another girl, and seeing how differently he treats her, made me realize he never really loved me as such. It took him almost 2 years to introduce me to his friends. He introduced her to his friends in the first week itself. He never used to upload pictures with me. But now even his profile pictures are with her. I feel like a fool for thinking he ever loved me.

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  • Cartier Watches April 10, 2018, 9:11 am

    I have the headphonesconcerning our mother to mothers evening, and also she definitely liked that it! Its quite adorable headphonesas well as the stating in the card which will come inside package is really emotional!! As well as the premium of beads is very good!

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