Anyway, that’s pretty much just background for my real issue. The message board I found his drug addiction posts on was one he visited frequently, had internet friends through, etc. Kind of like the frequent commenters on your site, but with more heroin and less love advice. The board had a section for “off topic” discussions, and I found one he’d written about me. Basically the post said that I was amazing and he liked me a lot, but I’m not hot enough for him. His last ex was hotter, and while I have a pretty face my body just isn’t as good. It was very hurtful but at the time it wasn’t the biggest problem by far, so I ignored it until after things were less insane.
I did bring it up to him again a month or two into our relationship, and he got very upset that I’d read the post and that it had hurt me. He told me he thinks I’m hot and sexy and beautiful and everything, and he only said what he did because he was looking for a reason not to be involved with me due to how complicated the situation was becoming (with his double life and all). Since then he’s done nothing but reinforce that he finds me attractive. He compliments me all the time and we have a great sex life. But sometimes I think about that post and it just ruins my self-confidence. My boyfriend is very traditionally attractive: tall, blonde hair, blue eyes, great swimmer’s body. I’m not unattractive by any means, but I’m more on the curvy side and could certainly stand to lose 20 or 30 pounds. Basically, what he wrote plays into every bad thought I’ve ever had about my appearance, and I don’t know how to get over it.
Aside from this issue our relationship is near-perfect. The problems we went through early on could have torn us apart but instead made us stronger, and we get along so well in every way. It’s the best relationship I’ve ever been in. I love him and I want to believe that he’s genuinely attracted to me, but sometimes I look in the mirror and think about that post and it just seems completely impossible. Talking to him isn’t likely to help, because he’ll never say anything other than he loves me and thinks I’m the hottest girl ever. I still can’t get over the feeling that the post was what he really thinks, and he’s just telling me what I want to hear.
— At (A Pretty) Face Value?
I can definitely understand how discovering those comments by your boyfriend must have made you feel hurt, betrayed, embarrassed and mad. But those feelings are really about you and what you think and not about what your boyfriend thinks. Looking at it logically, if your boyfriend truly thought you weren’t “hot enough for him,” he wouldn’t be with you anymore. If something isn’t “enough,” then it won’t do. The lack of whatever is desired is a dealbreaker. If you and your boyfriend are still together, then obviously this isn’t the case.
I know, I know. Small comfort, right? He still said that you aren’t as hot as his ex and that your body is just OK. I mean, ouch. And, unfortunately, even if he didn’t mean what he said or even if he’s changed his mind since then, you can’t “un-know” what you learned by reading that message board. You can’t just turn off the hurt his words caused no matter how many kind words he’s said since.
So, what are you to do? You can’t just dump a guy you have an otherwise amazing relationship with over something he said on some anonymous message board months ago when he was all messed up on heroin. I mean, you could, but God, if you didn’t dump him for being a junkie, it seems silly to dump him over this. No, you should stay with him and see where this relationship goes. But you should work on your self-esteem in the meantime.
One of the reasons you can’t talk yourself into believing your boyfriend didn’t mean those things he said or that it isn’t a big deal if he did is that he unintentionally confirmed your insecurities. You look in the mirror and think it’s impossible for your boyfriend to love what you see because YOU don’t love what you see. That’s what you need to work on. And it is work. It won’t come easily. You have to either change your mindset or change your body. Or both. If you feel like you could “stand to lose 20 or 30 pounds,” how about losing five or ten pounds? Ten pounds is usually a whole dress size and it’s a goal that’s reachable and noticeable on most of us. Even if no one else notices, you will and that will go a long way in changing your mindset and making you feel good about yourself. I’d also suggest taking some fitness classes that encourage body-awareness and appreciation, like yoga or belly dancing (where being curvy is a plus!). And as counter-intuitive as this may sound, a boudoir photo shoot could be a great way to feel good about what God gave you. With the right lighting, makeup, clothing and photographer, the human body — imperfections, extra pounds and all — is the most beautiful thing in the world. Valentine’s Day is coming up. What a perfect excuse to look into booking a boudoir shoot. One day when you’re old and wrinkly, you’ll love having sexy, professional photos from way back in the day to remind yourself what a hot young thing you used to be.
Don’t wait decades to appreciate and love the current you. Get to work on loving what you have now.
P.S. “Dirty German porn”? Really?
*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at [email protected] and be sure to follow me on Twitter.