Lately, I’ve been watching videos on Youtube with a certain guy I’m sort of fangirling over. And yet, I know I could never meet this guy, let alone start something with him. But the fact that I’m having such thoughts for him and constantly watching his videos in an attempt to feel any joy these days scares me. I’ve dropped subtle hints to my boyfriend and eventually admitted how cool I think this other guy is, but my boyfriend doesn’t seem to mind it. I don’t think it’s healthy at all.
I know my boyfriend’s moving to me and maybe things will change when he’s finally here. He recently asked me if he’s saving up for a move only for our relationship to be doomed and then he asked if I still love him, and I said that lately I’m not sure. I thought maybe that would help him realize I need a bit more attention. Am I not in love with him anymore or am I just freaking out because I’ve reached the point where the long distance has gotten to me? — Not Feeling As Charmed
You’re not feeling it anymore, and not because the long distance is “getting to you”; it’s because the long distance portion of this relationship is ending soon and now you’re faced with the reality of taking things to the next level and you don’t want to. You aren’t into your boyfriend anymore, you’re bored with your relationship, and you’re looking for escape and stimulation elsewhere. (And, not for nothing, if you’re looking to YouTube Vloggers for some joy because you aren’t finding it anywhere else, then it’s not just your relationship that’s in trouble).
Your initial spark and interest in your boyfriend began when he “lifted you from a dark time with another guy,” which sounds a lot like how your interest in this Vlogger has begun. You need to break this cycle and start taking responsibility for your own joy and fulfillment. Take the wheel of your life and stop putting it in the hands of other people. YOU are in the driver’s seat here. Or, at least, you should be. So start thinking about which direction you’re headed and where you want to go. And stop leading on your poor boyfriend and be direct with him. These “subtle” signs you’re giving him are bullshit. Woman up and be direct. Tell him: “We’ve been together for four years and I’ve been happy, but lately my feelings have changed and we need to pause our plan for you to move here. First, we need to figure out whether this relationship actually has a future, and in order for us to do that, I need to let you know what’s going on in my head and what I need from you in order to feel satisfied in this relationship. Maybe you can’t meet my needs anymore and maybe I can’t meet yours, but that doesn’t mean that the past four years have been in vain. It does mean, however, that our future together may not be the one we’ve been planning.” And then tell him what your needs are, give him a chance to tell you what his are, and then see if you both are committed to trying to meet them. If you aren’t or if you simply can’t, then it would seem that this relationship has run its course and it’s time for you to MOA. You need to figure this out before he moves though, and you need to stop playing games.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].