There are a few things that concern me about your letter, and it’s the combination of all of them, rather than just one thing in particular, that makes me hope you’ll think long and hard about walking down the aisle with this man. The first thing is that you live in different countries and have only been seeing each other for a couple of weeks every few months. It’s unclear from your letter whether you plan to continue living separately, but if so, that seems like an awfully difficult way to begin a marriage. And even if one of you is moving to the other’s country, it would be hard to jump immediately into newlywed life after having spent so much time apart over the last year.
Perhaps I’d be less concerned about this issue if it weren’t for the fact that you’re only 23 and have never been in a serious relationship before. Without solid relationship — and life — experience under your belt, you’re taking a huge risk marrying someone you haven’t spent a great deal of time with as an adult. That you are asking me whether your fiancé’s behavior is normal is a perfect example of what kind of confusion your lack of experience can create. And for the record: it’s not “normal” to reach out to an ex — an ex you were once very much in love with — two weeks before you’re supposed to marry someone else and invite that ex to “call you anytime.” Yes, that is something to be worried about. Having jitters is normal. Having a little anxiety about making a lifelong commitment to someone is normal. I’d even say it’s normal to reflect on relationships past and the “could have been’s” that never now will be. But to go so far as to reach out to one of those “could have been’s” and invite him or her back into your life literally days before marrying someone else? Not normal, and not healthy.
You know what else isn’t really normal? That you check your fiancé’s Facebook when you’re “exceptionally bored.” I don’t buy that that’s your motivation for snooping — and, yes, it’s still snooping, whether he’s privy to it or not. I think you’re looking for something. I think there’s a part of you that doesn’t fully, 100% trust your fiancé, either because you are insecure about this particular ex or because you go months without seeing each other, so you check Facebook for any clues that he may be behaving inappropriately. And, of course, the weekend of his bachelor party would be the perfect time to keep tabs on him, wouldn’t it? You weren’t “exceptionally bored” when you logged onto his account. You were exceptionally suspicious and insecure about his drunken night out and wanted some clues as to what went down.
And now that you have some clues — or at least some clues about where his heart may be — you have to decide whether your suspicions are great enough to delay or even cancel your wedding. I’d say to add it all up. Add up all the nagging doubts you’ve had over the course of your relationship and ask yourself whether you trust that your fiancé is completely committed to you and harbors no feelings for anyone else. You should be able to answer that question for yourself two weeks before you marry someone. If you can’t, then you’re probably making a mistake getting married. You should be able to discuss this issue with your fiancé. Especially if he already knows that you check his Facebook, you should confront him about the message he sent to his ex and ask him why on earth he’d be reaching out to her right before his wedding (or at all, really). And if he can’t give you a satisfactory answer — if he can’t somehow convince you that your fears and insecurities about his feelings toward his ex are unfounded — you should postpone your wedding until he can. And you should do some deep soul-searching in the meantime about what kind of relationship you want, what kind of future you hope for, and whether this is truly the man who can give you those things. At 23-years-old you’re far too young to settle down with anyone you don’t feel completely certain about.
*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at [email protected] and be sure to follow me on Twitter.