Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy
A couple weeks ago my husband, “Gary,” and I attended an out-of-town wedding for my best friend. We spent a couple thousand dollars between travel, accommodations, and gifts (which is not an issue for me but is a sticky point for my husband). Gary does not know my friends and has deemed me clueless with etiquette, saying horrible things about my friends since their wedding day. Now he is even threatening divorce unless I make things right. Let me explain…

The night before the wedding there was a rehearsal but no dinner. My husband went out with some old friends of his that night (we both used to live in the town where the wedding was being held). He claims to not have been invited to the rehearsal, but I don’t recall saying that — just that I would be busy with wedding stuff being the matron of honor and that he may want to make other plans. Then comes the wedding day. I spent the morning getting ready with the bride and her sister until the wedding started (late). Immediately following the ceremony, we took pictures and then I proceeded up to the bride’s room to help her change into her reception outfit. During this time was a cocktail hour for the wedding attendants. The few times I was down by this area I did look for my husband, and I only saw him once prior to the reception. He informed me that he was not at the table we thought he was going to be at, but instead he was seated at a table full of families with children. Not knowing anyone, this made him even more uncomfortable, and he ended up leaving. Of course, I stayed throughout the evening, being part of the bridal party.

The next morning my husband left as he had made plans with friends. He informed me my friends had no etiquette and I was clueless to leave him alone and not have included him in the rehearsal dinner (again, there wasn’t a dinner — just a rundown of what to do during the ceremony) or to not have introduced him to people the day of the wedding. Things have been incredibly tense between us ever since and he’s brought up divorce if I can’t “fix this” since “I broke this.”

I guess I am clueless because I have no idea how to make this right with him. He insults my friends and says he’s beyond disappointed in me. I told him I’m not sure when I was supposed to be doing all these introductions when I was running around being a bridesmaid the whole day, not to mention I didn’t know half the attendees since they were family members I also had not met before. When things finally calmed down after dinner, he hadn’t even shown up to the reception.

I do not want to get a divorce and am horrified the topic was even brought up. On the other hand, I don’t feel my actions were that incredibly wrong to warrant all of this backlash. I understand his not feeling included, but there is not anything I can do to change that day. Please shed some perspective on this for me. — Matron-of-Honor in Trouble

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My boyfriend has friends who live out of town. They visit our apartment about two weekends every month, and since they live three hours away, they always stay the night. I have had conversations with my boyfriend in the past about how they can make things quite uncomfortable for me when they visit, as they always want to drink and get rowdy, they leave the house a mess, and they always “roast” my boyfriend for his committment to me and our dog.

I recently learned that one of these friends had said he didn’t want to come in this weekend unless our dog and I got a hotel room—and my boyfriend had responded with, “I wish I could.” This really hurt my feelings. I feel betrayed. I let these people into my home and then they speak this way about me. And furthermore, I’m so hurt by my boyfriend. Shouldn’t he support me no matter what? Isn’t this a betrayal of my trust? How can I talk to him about this? — Not Staying in a Hotel

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Weekend Open Thread

Happy weekend! This week around $4000 in books, classroom supplies, and gift cards were purchased for under-priveleged kids through the seventh annual DW book drive! Thank you so much to all who contributed in whatever way you were able to — your generosity is making a difference. There are still a few items left on the teachers’ registries if you want to get in on the good vibes. And if you weren’t able to participate this year, don’t worry – we’ll do it again next year.

What are you all up to this weekend? Drew ran in his first race this morning and the kids and I bundled up to go cheer him on. Hanukkah starts tomorrow, so maybe I’ll make some attempt at making latkes (mine never turn out) or maybe I’ll just buy some from the gourmet deli down the block. We do gifts on the first and last nights of Hanukkah and this year Jackson really, really wants “a diary with a lock” (spoiler: he’s going to get one), and Joanie doesn’t care what she gets because she pretty much likes everything (she’s getting a ballerina puzzle).

Have a great weekend, and happy Hanukkah to those who celebrate!

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Friday Links

Here are a few things from around the web that may interest you:

Introducing pet names to your relationship could make it stronger, according to science

How to Keep Money From Ruining Your Relationship

Researchers Built a Smart Dress to Show How Often Women Are Groped at Clubs

What Is It About the Word ‘Wife’?

My New Vagina Won’t Make Me Happy

For the parents among us of teenagers (God bless you), this may be comforting news:

“Mostly, kids are using social media to brag and talk about their families. Great news if you’re a parent worried everything your kid is doing online involves nudes. It probably doesn’t. Forty-nine percent of teens reported posting about accomplishments, followed by family at 44 percent. Political beliefs came in last at just 9 percent. As for purported vanity, about half of teens never or rarely post selfies. (Though girls are reportedly more likely than boys to do so, if they do at all.) And only 15 percent of teens surveyed said they frequently hide content from certain people’s — ahem, parents’ — eyes. Twenty-nine percent said they never do this. Again, ahem.”

— Teens Would Like You to Know Social Media Is Actually Good So Leave Us Alone, Mom

A reader sent this link, saying “This is the reality after a school shooting. The pain goes on and on and shootings are happening so frequently that people no longer feel safe. It’s time people start to understand that it isn’t over even after years go by.”

Thank you to those who submitted links for me to include. If you see something around the web you think DW readers would appreciate, please send me a link to [email protected] and, if it’s a fit, I’ll include it in Friday’s round-up. Thanks!

Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram.

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In answer to the letter titled “How do I know if I absolutely want kids?” posted on Oct 11th, you wrote:

“Without Woman A or Woman B, you can still have a rich and full life ahead of you. You don’t even have to have a long-term relationship to enjoy the second half of your life although there is certainly something to be said for the companionship and care and love such a relationship provides.”

I found this answer surprising!

If you don’t have a long-term relationship in the second half of your life (say after 45) isn’t it boring or lonely? Very lonely? What do you do if you don’t have a long-term relationship after 45? I’d love to hear your answer.

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