Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy
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This week in the forums we’re discussing:

Would it be weird to give his kid a birthday gift?

Should I text/message her again or count my loss?

“My husband and I see eye to eye on everything… except this”

My boyfriend thinks I’m gaining too much weight

Viewing friends as family -higher chance for dissapointment?

My ex is so confusing!

Friendship crisis

Friendship at breaking point

To Move or not to move for love

Am I right in putting my foot down? Please advise

Anyone going on awesome dates?

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Hi from Missouri! We flew into Kansas City on Saturday and spent a couple days with friends there, and now we’re on our way to Springfield to visit my parents. We’ll be here for the week and posting will be sporadic in the meantime. As always, you can peruse the the forums, and here are a few posts you may have missed in the past (and if you’d like to follow some of our trip, I’ll probably post a little on Instagram).

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Here are a few things from around the web that may interest you:

My In-Laws Are Careless About My Deadly Food Allergy!

And here’s a response to the column from Marie Claire: “Hot New Trend Alert: Poisoning Your Son’s Wife”

“Not so long ago, Japanese women who remained unmarried after the age of 25 were referred to as “Christmas cake,” a slur comparing them to old holiday pastries that cannot be sold after Dec. 25. Today, such outright insults have faded as a growing number of Japanese women are postponing or forgoing marriage, rejecting the traditional path that leads to what many now regard as a life of domestic drudgery.”

Craving Freedom, Japan’s Women Opt Out of Marriage

This was interesting: How Social Media Shapes Our Identity

This is a long but riveting story worth a read on your lunch hour: “The Harvard Professor and the Paternity Trap”

It Might Be Time To Cut My Right-Wing, Trump-Loving In-Laws Out Of My Kids’ Lives

Thank you to those who submitted links for me to include. If you see something around the web you think DW readers would appreciate, please send me a link to [email protected] and, if it’s a fit, I’ll include it in Friday’s round-up. Thanks!

Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram.

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Pimm’s Cup

1 Persian cucumber, thinly sliced
1 Cup Pimm’s
2 tablespoons freshly squeezed lemon juice
1/2 cup Fever Tree ginger beer
Sliced seasonal fruit like: lemons, oranges, strawberries, and rhubarb

Muddle half the cucumber in a cocktail shaker, add the Pimm’s, lemon juice, and some ice. Cover and shake, shake, shake. Strain into two ice-filled, chilled glasses, about 3/4 full. Top with ginger beer and stuff with fruit and additional half of the cucumber. Amaze and be amazed.

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My situation is similar to LW1’s in this column but with some big differences. My girlfriend and I have been dating for two years, and about a year into our relationship her coworker died. (I am 26, she is 23, and he was 31.) They worked in a restaurant together and I knew they were close friends as she told me a lot about him. I met him once briefly and he seemed like a good guy. I always trusted her and never thought there was anything more than friendship between the two of them. When he died, she was very sad and I tried my very best to be there for her. But in her grieving she started saying some things that made me uncomfortable, such as “I know in another life we would have been together,” and “I knew he had a crush on me,” and “What we had was so real — our love was real,” and other things along the same lines. I found a note she had written that said a bunch of things like “I wish we were together.” At the time I only comforted her and didn’t challenge these feelings — after all, she had a lot of raw emotion she was trying to process. I never brought up the note, but it really hurt my feelings.

A few months after this we broke up and had no contact for about three months. It wasn’t easy, but I was having some personal issues (depression) and our relationship was struggling. We got back together about four months ago and things have been the best they’ve ever been. But she now has his initials tattooed on her wrist, which again has made me feel a bit betrayed, but I haven’t brought it up and had come to terms about the situation. A few weeks ago though she went to his parents’ house to have a celebration of life-type get-together. It was on my birthday and she didn’t text me all day, only calling me at 9 pm. I said I was worried about her as I was expecting to hear from her sooner. She knew I was upset and clearly felt bad for not calling sooner. The mom had knitted her a blanket (which is really nice) but it all makes me feel so secondary.

It’s been a year now since her coworker died and the way she’s grieving is really taking a toll on me. This is not her late boyfriend she’s grieving — it’s a coworker she was friends with while we were already together. I know she loves me, but she makes me feel like she is not “in” love with me. If she’s thinking about her and her dead friend being together “in another world” then how are we going to be together in this world? She sleeps under a blanket made by his mother and is reminded of him every time she looks down at her wrist. I love her so much, but it kills me knowing she wishes she could have broken up with me and dated this guy instead.

How do I detach my ego from this situation and be grateful for what we have now? Am I doing myself a disservice for being with someone who loves someone else? If this is how she reacts this time, how many other guy friends will turn into potential partners once they pass? I’m very confused and would love some insight. — Feeling Secondary

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