Dear Wendy — A relationship Advice Site

It’s Personal: What Being a Woman in Her Forties is Really Like

By: Dear Wendy September 26, 2019 Essays, It’s Personal

The other day I read somewhere that 43 is the median age in the United States. I turned 43 a couple weeks ago, so this statistic stood out to me — I’m exactly in the middle! Perfectly middle-aged! — but when I Googled the statistic to link to it in this post, all I found were some articles claiming that 38 is the median age in the United States. Had I been mistaken in what I thought I read the other day? Was there a qualifier to the statistic- maybe 43 is the median age for white people or for women or for some other descriptive category I fall into and thereby a reason I attached an “it me” meme to when I read? I don’t know – I’m 43 and my memory isn’t what it used to be.

I’m 43 and here are a few other things that aren’t what they used to be: [continue reading…]

54 comments

“He Disinvited Me To Meet His Parents and Took a Female Friend Instead”

By: Dear Wendy September 26, 2019 Columns

I’m in my late twenties and have been with my boyfriend — also in his late twenties — for nearly two years now. He is a good man and I love him deeply. A couple of months after we started dating, a close friend of his, “Jane,” broke up with her boyfriend. She took it really hard and my boyfriend was there for her quite a lot. I did not initially have a problem with this as it was mainly just spending time with her and her having a shoulder to cry on. Two months after Jane’s breakup, my boyfriend decided to plan a trip to his hometown, inviting Jane, me, and another couple he’s friends with. It would’ve been the first time I met his parents. Soon after he began planning the trip, he turned around and disinvited me, saying that it would be too difficult for Jane to be around two couples. I was hurt, but tried to work through this.
After the disinvitation, my parents planned a trip to come to visit me, which coincidentally happened right before my boyfriend’s weekend trip home. I thought that even though I wasn’t meeting his parents, we could organize so he could meet mine for the first time. He agreed, but then he and Jane both booked tickets two days before they had originally planned and before my parents were set to arrive. I was furious. I thought it was a clear sign of infidelity and broke up with him at that time. He begged me to stay and swears that he doesn’t believe he committed any emotional infidelity.

Since then, we have been working hard to build up the trust he broke. It took a good couple of months before he was able to implement some strict and appropriate boundaries with Jane. During this time I found out that he had told her about our fights (that were essentially about her). I felt utterly humiliated. Around eight months later I found out he’d lied about seeing her on our 1-year anniversary (we had dinner planned and he said their meeting was brief). One of my asks was that he keep me informed of when he was going to meet her. Also, he bought her a present (a book), which he’d also bought me, but he hadn’t told me he’d bought one for her. Every time I think things are working better, I feel like another lie comes out. On the day-to-day things he’s a great boyfriend: he’s supportive, kind, and funny, and he cooked for me every day while I was studying for some exams. But I can’t seem to get past this, and I don’t know if I’m being played for a fool here or if I’m being too hard on him. Do I leave or do I stay? — Not His Jane

[continue reading…]

24 comments

Weekly Forum Highlights

By: Dear Wendy September 25, 2019 weekly forum highlights

This week in the forums we’re discussing:

Is she right to hate me?

Anyone going on awesome dates?

This whole Trump situation just gets worse and worse everyday

Huge Mixed Signals

Is he jealous or is it something more?

Feeling left out at work

“A Friend is Upset with Me For Withdrawing From Her”

Is this abuse or am I just sensitive?

Getting over cheating-based resentment

My best friend abused his ex-gf…and now there’s drama

Follow along on Facebook and Instagram.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].

0 comments

Updates: “Concerned Mom” Responds

By: Dear Wendy September 24, 2019 Columns

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today we hear from “Concerned Mom” whose ex-boyfriend, whom she dated for five years while recovering from a domestically abusive relationship, still wanted to be in her kids’ lives. She explains that she cheated on him and was not able to effectively move on from their relationship. She said: “I was also diagnosed with MS and had a lot of fear and overwhelming emotions going on — so instead of visiting the kids, he just kept in touch with them through texts. Now, a year and half later, he feels we’ve all adjusted and he wants to start seeing them again. I feel that since he’s now dating a new woman and building a future with her, it doesn’t make sense to have him visit my kids.” After the jump, find out whether or not she allowed her ex to see her kids or not.

[continue reading…]

16 comments

“Have I Killed my Long-Term Relationship For an Unrequited Office Crush?”

By: Dear Wendy September 24, 2019 Columns

I am two years out of college and have been with my current “boyfriend,” “Peter,” for six years. We were been long-distance for the first four of these six years, as I was studying/interning abroad or across the country and Peter was finishing college and landing his first (and current) job, where he has been quite successful. Two years ago, I moved close to where Peter lives and works, and last year I was finally able to move to the same town as he lives in. But as we got closer geographically, an emotional distance grew between us. We had many ugly fights, including one where I felt concern for my safety (he was driving and made an impulsive, dangerous U-turn). I had very low self-esteem at the time – I felt lonely in yet another new place and was struggling with early career stages that weren’t very fullfilling. The fights made me feel worse and, pairing that feeling with doubts about my sexual identity (I may very well be bi), I thought about ending the relationship at the time, even turning to a therapist for support. But I clung to the relationship as the sole functioning part of my life, and when, a year ago, I got a job offer that allowed me to both love my 9-to-5 and live in the same town as Peter, I jumped on board. I convinced a reluctant Peter to look for a place for the both of us… but I wasn’t really convinced myself.
Since then, I got myself in a quite a situation: I’m afraid I fell in love with my colleague/manager “Paul” (we are a small company where hierarchy is nebulous). He is 10 years older than I am, single, and a powerful concentrate of charm, and I find myself strongly attracted to him physically, emotionally, and intellectually. We have developped a friendship that is quite intimate and that I find sometimes ambiguous, but maybe this is wishful thinking from me. We spend long evenings together on a regular basis, and he can be a bit tactile -but we live in a country where that can be just friendly.
Of course, for the past year, I have drifted away from Peter, cultivated friendships outside both these relationships, and all of these culminated in our breaking up earlier this summer. We got back together briefly, I put the brakes on it, and now we are in this grey area — not together, but not broken up. Peter is doing therapy, and he says he loves me and wants us back together. I love him, but I’m afraid I’m not in love with him anymore and won’t be able to fall in love with him again. However, he would be the perfect partner (stable, committed) for starting a family, and I’m finding that I want to take that into account. On the other hand, I’m pining away for Paul, and I could throw all concerns away if he were to suggest anything were possible between us. Though it may very well be delusonial and he feels nothing more than an affectionate friendship for me, the attraction is so strong it makes me pause and wonder if I could feel that, but in a requited way, and maybe outside of the workplace environment.

What do you think, Wendy? Did I hurt a relationship that could have had -might still have – potential for the sake of a silly office fantasy? Or is this a wake-up call for me to tune into my feelings/emotions and do some exploring? Can I do both? Have I ruined everything? What is Paul thinking? — Moth-to-the-flame

[continue reading…]

7 comments

Next Posts → ← Previous Posts