Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy
My significant other of seven years, “Chris,” allegedly touched a female acquaintance – “Jericho” — whom I’m in a weekly driving class with. I’m 45, Chris is 49, and Jericho is 30. Jericho needed a ride from class because she and her boyfriend had broken up. We gave her a ride to her friend’s after class. The following week she had rented a room at a local motel — because she and her boyfriend are fighting/going separate ways — and wanted a ride after class. I agreed; however, I had to go to a store in an adjoining town to pick up my order. I left her in the vehicle with my Chris, and I was out of the car a total of 15 minutes. When I come back to the car, she seemed to be impaired and nodding out. (The next day she told me she had taken two nerve pills; however, I find that hard to believe.) We proceeded to take her to get something to eat through a drive-through, and she accused Chris of grabbing her money bag, which it did look like he was doing. She then said that while I was in the store, he had inappropriately grabbed her between her legs. He denied touching the money bag or touching her. Within an hour’s time he did admit to both of us that he had had her money bag and was thinking about stealing money from her but hadn’t. When she told me that he touched her, he denied it.

A week has gone by and today he admitted that he did touch her and he asked for forgiveness (this after I kept hounding him to tell the truth). I knew in my heart the other day that she was telling the truth. I am totally sick about this and do not know what to do. What advice can you give me? Please keep in mind that the relationship wasn’t very stable and healthy prior to this incident. — In The Passenger’s Seat

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This week in the forums we’re discussing:

Need advice regarding my boyfriend

Is he gay, or am I paranoid?

Should I undo our breakup?

Is he gay, or am I paranoid??

My family hates my husband

Son-in-law’s estranged daughter sent me a concerning letter

How much time is normal to spend together in the beginning stages?

At a Crossroads

“My Boyfriend is Obsessed with His Ex-Wife’s Nieces”

Etiquette question

Moving + Living Alone for the first time

Anyone going on awesome dates?

Follow along on Facebook and Instagram.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].

I just moved in with my boyfriend, “Greg,” after dating seven months. He and his ex were together five years, and when they met, she had a six-month-old daughter, “Lucy.” Her dad is completely out of the picture so Greg assumed the role as dad and bonded with Lucy even closer than with his biological daughter who’s around the same age, whom he shares with his ex-wife and gets every other weekend.

He explained early on that he intended to remain Lucy’s father and to get her on the same weekends as his bio daughter, and I meditated on it and decided I could open my heart to this. His ex quickly became snippy and jealous about me being around her daughter, and Greg told me he had decided the appropriate thing to do was to say goodbye to both of them. This broke my heart along with his because he had previously described Lucy as his reason for living, the only thing that made him happy. He made his choice and said he didn’t want to talk about it.

The ex now has cut him off and vice versa. I’ve reached out asking if we could try to reconcile for possible visits, and he shuts it down and says this is the right thing to do. However, he hasn’t cleaned out her room and still mourns her, mainly in secret. It’s as if he’s mourning a death almost. He raised her for four years so it’s understandable, but I’m not sure if I should pry or let it run its course. I’m afraid he’s trying to fill the hole in his heart with more time with me — which I don’t mind except I worry it’s unhealthy as he sometimes shuts down.

I’ve also noticed he says he’s “proud of me” when I’m doing well and uses flowery compliments like, “you are my whole heart” and I’ve seen on social media that he said the same phrases to Lucy. Should I be concerned? — Dating a Dad

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A few days ago I commited the ultimate sin: I vented on Facebook about how very little housework my spouse, “Clark,” does and how unfair this feels to me. I hadn’t been sleeping well, and he had. I was also in a lot of pain. I am not making excuses — just giving a bit of background that led up to the “incident.” Everything combined into the perfect storm and I blew up. I know I should not have done so on social media.

Immediately, Clark’s sister came promptly to his defense and ripped on me like never before. I have since appologized to her and told her she was right to defend her brother; I would/have done so, too. In her ripping me apart, she stated how I am constantly doing this, which is untrue. This is the first time I have ever posted something negative about my husband. She never comments on any of the positive posts I have put on social media about how grateful/lucky I am to have the spouse that I do. This is the only thing she has chosen to comment on — the one negative post.

Side note: Clark’s family has made it more than clear during our whole relationship — 18 years — that they do not like me; I am not who/what they wanted for him, and they even went so far as to try to set him up with someone else after we had been together for about nine years. They have always invited me to gatherings and events and are civil, but they make it known that they are only just tolerating my being there. His mother has been to our place once in 18 years, and while constantly saying that they are “just toooo busy,” can set the same time/date for us to visit them. His sister, despite many invites, has never come.

In just over a month, Clark’s nephew — the son of said sister — is getting married. We were invited before all this happened. I know that if I go, it will make things awkward and tense and that I will be asked something along the lines of, “How dare you show your face after what you did?” If I don’t go, I know it will be something along the lines of, “Well, now she’s just being petty and childish, just like we knew she has always been.” Not sure what to do. — Damned if I Go, Damned if I Don’t

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Last week, a (male) LW wrote in complaining about how a woman he’d been out with seven times or so had only paid for about 10% of their dates. This, he noted, was not uncommon in his and his friends’ dating experience. He wrote: “This isn’t the first woman that I’ve had to spend money on. There’ve been others, of course. I’ve heard complaints from friends and other men about women NOT offering to pay. And you know what? I’m tired of it. Men are tired of it.” He went on to say that women have credit cards, educations, and good jobs, and he doesn’t understand where they get this old-fashioned idea that men are supposed to always pay for dates. “Personally, I work just as hard as any woman does for my money,” he said, “and I don’t find it fair. I just don’t want any woman getting the idea that I’m OK with it or that she can take advantage. I don’t want to be her ATM.” Lovely, right?

As of this morning, the post has nearly 230 comments; people have a lot of thoughts about his argument, and there seem to be different ideas of what is normal and expected. So I thought I would open the discussion up further and ask:
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