In May, 2018, a lady friend from Robert’s hometown texted me saying that there were rumors that he and his ex (39) were still in contact, probably getting it on, but she had not seen them together and she had no proof. I confronted him and he told me that he would not entertain gossip. I broke it off as I believe that where there’s smoke, there’s fire.

In December, 2018, we broke up for ten days. I was mad because Robert didn’t make plans with me for the holidays. I was working and he went to visit family in another town (his excuse being that he asked me what my plans for the festive season were and, when I told him I’d be working, he didn’t see it necessary to make plans with me). However, we continued having contact during this period and I eventually told him I’d clear my head during my annual leave.

On the 29th, I went on leave for two weeks. During this time, I had no contact at all with Robert as I had no reception where I was. He did send me text messages which I later read when I got home. One said, “I don’t feel like living anymore.”

On the 13th of January, 2019, he begged me for us to work on our relationship as he said he saw a future for us. I agreed as I do love him, but the doubt was still there. During the year, we’ve grown closer (only one breakup for three weeks, which was in April, and we made up as we usually do). But by the end of September, the doubt was back and I told him I’m out for good and that this is the final breakup. He suggested we try couples therapy and I declined.

A few days later, a “voice” told me to google-search his ex. To my shock, one of the first results was a brand new photo of her and Robert at their baby shower. I was devastated!!!!! I confronted him by phone, he denied it, and, when I told him I could send him the photo, he confessed. Technically, I was not supposed to care as we had split up for five days, but I had a meltdown due to the shock.

I asked him how far along she was and he told me that the baby is due in a week. He said that they hooked up and had a-one-night stand during one of our breakups (this was not a justifiable reason for me as he know we always break up to make up). He said he wanted to tell me in August when she texted him about the pregnancy, but a few days later I was in a car accident, after which he helped me to recover and we were happy together and so he didn’t wanted to hurt me.

He asked me to forgive him and I did, but I told him that I will not be able to trust him again as I did not cheat during any of our breakups. Surprisingly, I feel sorry for him. I told him that he needs to prepare himself for the life-changing experience of parenthood and forget about me, and he said he will wait and see if the baby is really his.

Adam and I plan to marry, but his parents want me to convert; I don’t want to. Even more important to them than my conversion is that their future grandchildren be brought up in the same religious tradition. This is deeply concerning: it’s too soon for me to think about kids, but I imagine that once I do have children, I will not want to cede any kind of “raising” to anybody but myself and my husband, especially if it means raising them in a tradition that I have a lot of fundamental problems with. Parenting is hard enough, but adding meddlesome, high-strung in-laws to the equation might make it more difficult than I can bear.

My compromise: our children should learn as much as possible about the religion to feel connected to their father and grandparents. They can go to mosque every so often and it could be one presence in their life among many others. However, the sect doesn’t permit people who are not part of the faith to enter their buildings, meaning neither I nor my children would be permitted inside unless at their births we agree to a covenant to raise them in the faith and call them Muslims. Even if I agree to this covenant, religion would never be a family group activity because I’m not allowed in the building.

I feel that my compromise is reasonable but that the rules of his sect demand something unreasonable. I believe Adam might agree to my compromise, but his parents won’t. I am set to meet them in a month and it’s already causing Adam and me a ton of stress. I want Adam to have the kind of boundaries with his parents that I have with mine, but I don’t know how it’s possible given their culture and religion.

Beyond the issue of children, members of this sect are expected to give 12% of their income to the religious leader in a process I find extremely dubious. Besides my misgivings with this rule, this is yet another way in which I feel excluded as Adam will be giving a large portion of his income to a club I am not allowed to be a part of unless I convert.