“People Won’t Stop Posting About My Wedding on Facebook!”

From the forums:


We sent out Save-the-Dates for our wedding a few weeks ago, and people have been posting pictures of the postcard to Facebook and Instagram, some of them tagging us in the pictures. This bothers me a bit because mutual friends who have not been invited to our relatively-small wedding will see it. ALSO, there is at least one person whom we actively do not want to show up to any wedding festivities (long story short: a member of our wedding party has a restraining order against her), and the STD has the URL for our wedding website, which has time, date and directions to the celebration. Up until now, my fiancé, “NonFic,” and I have just been untagging ourselves from these images to “distance” ourselves from any perceived rudeness, but haven’t said anything to anyone about it.

Now NonFic’s parents have started posting incessantly on Facebook about the wedding. He is their only child, so I get that they are very excited about this, but I’m talking about completely non-sequitor, unnecessary posts, like, I post a status about being tired (I know, I am very extremely interesting), and his dad comments, “NonFic and AbFic: September nth 2013, 107 days away!” or something to that effect. When I delete the comments, they repost them (!). Bizarro and mostly harmless (I do like his parents, they are nice people), but again, kind of thoughtless considering the semi-public nature of the forum.

I imagine we will be posting a couple of wedding photos after the fact, but we have been so careful not to talk about plans or post engagement pictures to avoid hurt feelings/unexpected guests, and I’m not sure how to navigate this aspect of wedding invitations/preparations. How should I handle this? — Social Media isn’t Invited to my Wedding

First of all, I would worry much more about hurt feelings than having unexpected guests at your wedding. Unless we’re talking about first-rate stalkers — which, I guess, could be an issue if a restraining order is part of the equation — I can’t imagine people just showing up at a casual friend’s or acquaintance’s wedding uninvited. (Readers, has this ever happened to any of you??). As for hurt feelings, I think you are right to be concerned. Even if people put two and two together and figure out that you had a wedding that they weren’t invited to, it’s an easier pill to swallow if they can imagine your wedding was tiny and most people weren’t invited. When pictures of your invitation, as well as the wedding itself, start popping up all over their Newsfeeds, well, that’s a different story.

Rather than continue untagging yourself and hope for the best in coming months, I’d be proactive now and send an email message to everyone you’ve sent an STD to saying something like this:

By now you should have received a save-the-date card to our wedding this September. We are so excited to see all of you and celebrate this special occasion with you. We are grateful for your support and enthusiasm, but we respectfully request that you refrain from disclosing details of our small wedding on social media. Thank you for helping us maintain our privacy and protect the feelings of those we weren’t able to include.

Then, you can update your wedding website with a similar message. Chances are, people will still hear about your wedding and see some photos, but, as long as their newsfeeds aren’t cluttered with wedding talk, they’ll only wish you well. Good luck!


You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.


  1. blue skies says:

    My first thoughts were that it would be really annoying to have my privacy ‘invaded’ like this. But after some thought…I actually sort of disagree with Wendy here. Your wedding can’t be kept a ‘secret’. People are going to know you got married, or are getting married. They are going to eventually see the pics on FB. Eventually you’ll change your profile pic to one of you in a wedding gown. If feelings are hurt, I don’t really think it’s the responsibility of friends/family to try and keep the ‘cat in the bag’ to protect the couple. How can you really protect the feelings of every friend you have on FB? Should people not post about getting pregnant/getting a new job either?
    And most people who didn’t receive an invite will have a good idea of WHY they didn’t make the cut. And if they are offended, they can take it up with the couple personally, who can then offer the “it’s a really small wedding, I’m sorry we couldn’t include you.” speech. I would hedge my bets that most people will NOT question your choice of not inviting them.

    1. but there is a difference between keeping it private and trying to keep it a *secret*. of course people are going to find out about it, thats not the point- the point is that this couple (and most couples, or anyone, id say) doesnt want their stuff posted all over facebook. i get that, i dont think thats weird. its the people posting it thats weird- people are such weird attention-grabber over-sharers nowadays. its awkward.

    2. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

      I’m with Katie- there is a big difference between keeping something a secret and not waiving it in everyone’s faces. Of course your wedding will end up on FB, pretty much everything does. But constant posting (like the LW describes) by friends and family will add salt to the wound if anyone is feeling slighted. Same thing if the LW was posting constantly.

      You would be seriously surprised what people question during the wedding planning process and how many people have opinions and are happy to share them, unsolicited.

      1. blue skies says:

        @gatorgirl @katie: I just think that the LW can try to get everyone to not post about her wedding, but it will likely be a frustrating battle. Especially since now her friends/family (people invited to the wedding) will likely feel like they are being reprimanded for being excited about her wedding. Posting a pic of the STD is for sure weird (!!), but I’m pretty sure the intentions were- happy! excited! not the person trying to show off that they got an invite to a wedding. Trying to control other people’s actions on FB will be difficult!

      2. lets_be_honest says:

        I feel like if they stress the fact that they didn’t invite everyone on fb and don’t want hurt feelings, it’ll be ok.

      3. Avatar photo LadyinPurpleNotRed says:

        Plus the safety factor!

      4. Painted_lady says:

        Yeah, I think unless you’ve had to think about it yourself, or you’ve had someone close to you think about it, people don’t think about the whole “Somebody unpleasant and possibly unsafe is intentionally being kept in the dark about the wedding because we would like to keep one of our guests safe and hassle-free” aspect of not sharing everything on social media.

      5. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        I agree controlling their actions would be difficult, but a heads up that you don’t want it plastered on FB could go a LONG way. Especially if you have kind and caring friends/family who may have no idea of your wishes. You know? And Wendy phrased it really nicely.

    3. I don’t think that’s necessarily true. I logged on this weekend and was like “(FRIEND FROM HIGH SCHOOL) got married?!?!?” Since HS was twelve years ago, I wasn’t hurt or anything, but there was not much before-hand about the details. I just knew she was engaged. Same thing happened with a friend who had a baby last year. No pregnancy photos or status updates. Just a “here’s a picture of our newborn” one day. WHAT.

    4. I thought Wendy was pretty clear. It is not about keeping it a secret, but rather preventing it from being mentioned often by a high number of people, creating the perception that it is not a small wedding. Being inundated with constant details from all your friends who *were* invited makes one feel far more left out than simply knowing the wedding occurred.

  2. i think its awkward in general to post stuff about other people- i would never post a picture of a wedding invite. post things about your own life, that is a much better way to go about things, i think.

    i dont think that its out of line to ask people to keep your wedding private. i think that weddings, by definition, should be private. i like the little email wendy wrote up, i think that is perfectly fine to do.

    1. 6napkinburger says:

      Agreed. And Agreed about the private v. secret thing. And I think there is a difference between people posting pictures after the wedding and posting pictures of the STD. Like, there are some people who would have been invited if it was a 300 person wedding who won’t be if it is a 150 person wedding. If you are one of those people, it is a bit awkward (for all parties!) to discuss the wedding with the bride/groom about things that make clear you know that save the dates went out and you know you didn’t make the cut. It is the elephant in the room. Not that you are offended and not that they should feel bad, but it always is a bit awkward, especially if you are in a very tight friend group, but aren’t actually that close.Imagine that someone who was on the first list but didn’t make the pared down list “likes” the Save the Date that someone else posts. There is something tremendously awkward about that, even though it’s not like they did something wrong. It isn’t weird at all to congratulate someone after the wedding because it has already happened, but before, because it hasn’t occurred yet, there is more weirdness to it. So I agree thatthe type of email above is totally appropriate, because it isn’t only about people being HURT that they weren’t invited, but feeling weird about interacting with the people who were/the couple.

  3. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

    I posted on the forum, but I absolutely agree with Wendy. You’re 150,000% with in your rights to ask people to keep your life events off of their facebook. I always double check with friends/family if I can post things about them (like pictures of my BFF’s baby) on social media. If they ever say no (which I’ve never had that happen) I would happily not post or remove a post.

    Oh, so this girl I know keeps posting her baby registry on FB. Huge no-no IMO.

    1. haha, a girl i know just posted her registry on facebook too, and i was like… im pretty sure thats against “the rules” and i dont even know the rules. at least she didnt say anything? like there was no “here is my registry everyone!” it was just the link.

      1. lets_be_honest says:

        WOW. I hate people.

      2. i mean, shes like my age, so i assume that facebook is a main connector between her and her social circle- i dont really think its *that* bad, especially because she didnt broadcast it with “look come buy stuff for me!” or something attached to it.

        i hope that when asked about it (because people did ask, i saw that happening on facebook too), she will be able to say “oh its on my wall”, and its all purely out of convenience.

      3. lets_be_honest says:

        I don’t really think you have to spell out that you want people to buy you stuff when you post your registry. Maybe this is a younger generation thing, but I’m not much older than you katie and I think its awful.

      4. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        Nah, it’s not a generational thing, or an age thing LBH. I think it’s super rude to put a registry out there on Facebook. IMO, it’s a request only type of item. And if someone posts on FB asking I would private message them the link.

      5. findingtheearth says:

        I know someone who created a registry for their child’s birthday and posted it on Facebook. blergh, blergh, blergh.

      6. SpyGlassez says:

        Hell, we didn’t include our registry info on anything in the invites even, much less put it on FB. It’s on the wedding website, where we directed people for info about accommodations and so forth, and if anyone asks I tell them.

      7. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        Well, per traditional etiquette what you’re doing is correct. Registry information is not to be included on the wedding invite or even in an insert with the wedding invite (but it is okay to list the registry on the bridal shower invitation).

      8. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        This girl keeps saying “for those who are interested” and “in case you missed it!” and posting the link. It’s driving me bonkers. But I think it might just be one of those people who drives me bonkers no matter what she does. (Like my BFF posted a picture of her laundry line with all the little cute cloth diapers (which her and I have had lengthy convos about and I helped her pick out the kind) and I made a joke about why would you use cloth, and this other girl posted a lengthy explanation about why it’s so great. Back out of my joke lady! Isn’t the winky face a clue? Yeah…pretty sure she just drives me bonkers no matter what.)

    2. Avatar photo gatecrashergirl says:

      That is so tacky! “Hey everyone… buy me presents please!”

  4. I don’t think you can really stop your family and friends from being very out and proud about your wedding. And it’s possible that your attempts to downplay it have made others push harder, thinking that you are just being humble. I know that if my comments disappears from Facebook without a word from the poster, I usually think Facebook ate it. Stranger things have happened.

    I have seen lots of wedding posts and pics from people whose weddings I wasn’t invited to, and it doesn’t bother me in the least. If there are really very close friends you didn’t invite, I think that you might need to address it. Personally, I’d take charge and post yourself. You can talk about how you’re so fortunate to live the dream with a small, intimate wedding. Almost everyone will understand. It takes some chutzpah to think you should be invited to every wedding of every acquaintance you know.

  5. Sunshine Brite says:

    I was mad enough my friend got her invite to our mutual friend’s wedding earlier than me and she told me in real life, I think. I knew it was on it’s way, but still it was a very envious gut reaction.

    I’d be upset if my future invite gets put online like that since we do have some space concerns. At least we don’t have people who are scared enough of someone to get a restraining order. I wouldn’t be surprised if that close friend bowed out completely and that’d be hurtful.

  6. WWS. And I think her email is perfect.

    Some people are more private than others and don’t want everything about their lives posted on the internet, and people should be respectful of that.

    I got engaged on a Monday night. The Saturday after I was going to visit all of my extended family, and I wanted to surprise them with my engagement news, so I kindly asked everyone that I told about getting engaged to keep it off Facebook for a week, and everyone did. I’m the same way with pregnancy stuff. I’ll never mention someone’s pregnancy on FB until cleared to do so.

    1. oh, ok, a funny side effect of that though is when people are *super serious* about telling you things “before it goes on facebook”, which i think is hilarious.

      jake found out his brother and SIL were having a baby because *I* saw it on facebook- and that really wasnt a big deal. they had tried calling, jake was working or something, and the SIL finally announced it on facebook.

      1. Brown-eyed NoVA Girl says:

        I found my brother and SIL were pregnant via facebook, but they did not try to call and tell me first. I wasn’t too happy about that, but then again, I don’t go out of my way to keep in touch, so oh well. I suppose putting things on Facebook will soon be more common than talking on the phone (if it isn’t already).

  7. sarolabelle says:

    No one showed up uninvited but I did have a girl who I haven’t spoken to in over 3 years contact me the week before my wedding asking if she could attend. I said if she really wants to attend the ceremony she is welcomed to but the reception was full and she had the nerve to call me 2 days before and ask “what if I just come to the reception after the dinner is over, for the dancing” and I said “no, that will not work. I haven’t seen or spoken to you in 3 years and I feel uncomfortable with you there. I hope you understand.” She came to the ceremony but thankfully didn’t show up to the reception.

    1. lets_be_honest says:

      Wow, that’s super weird.

    2. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

      wow that is bizarre! did she used to be a good friend? if not, did you ever figure out why she was so set on attending? was an ex of hers invited? has she contacted you since – you know, to actually catch up and show she was interested in getting back in touch and not just crash a wedding)?

      1. sarolabelle says:

        She has never contacted me since.

      2. sarolabelle says:

        and she wasn’t even that great of a friend to begin with. It was so weird. I have no idea why she wanted to attend.

      3. absurdfiction says:

        Open bar? 😉

      4. sarolabelle says:

        yeah, maybe that was it! HAHA!

    3. What. WHY would anyone want to attend a wedding so badly that they do this? How odd.

    4. So freaking weird. Good for you for standing your ground though!

    5. Avatar photo gatecrashergirl says:

      People get so weird about weddings. Yes it sucks to not be included in something but, if you honestly haven’t spoken to someone in years, why would one think they should be invited to a wedding. Just bizarre.

    6. sobriquet says:

      It sounds like she had a personality disorder. Maybe asbergers? Some people truly cannot pick up on social clues.

      1. Aspergers is not a personality disorder. It is a developmental delay.

      2. sobriquet says:

        Okay. Well, it’s a disorder that is typified by difficulties in social interactions.

    7. camorzilla says:

      I did have someone show up invited to my wedding- she’s by no means a good friend though we do have mutual friends. To add insult to injury, she showed up WITH A DATE.

      1. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        Tell us more about that! Did you confront her? What did she say?

    8. What kind of person does that? Why would you want to attend a wedding you weren’t invited to? I feel like this can connect to yesterday’s letter about the military boyfriend who didn’t want to date after being deployed. Take the enormous hint, people!

  8. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

    Oh, I had some children show up to the wedding that weren’t invited. We decided not to invite children to our wedding and with one guest clearly stated that to him MULTIPLE TIMES (including his invite only being addressed to him). My mother and grandmother each had at least two conversations with him where they clearly stated “You are invited but the girls are not. They have chosen to have a child free wedding. Please do not bring them as they are not invited.” Yeah…. He came to the ceremony sans kids, dressed in a suit like the rest of the guests, then stood up and left the ceremony IN THE MIDDLE. He came back to the reception about 2 hours later (which was the middle of dinner) with both girls in tow, and had changed into jeans and a plaid shirt. The girls where wearing hotpink zebra tights, rhinestone bluejean vets, sparkle boots, etc etc etc. So terribly not appropriate for a wedding!! I didn’t let it bother me that day but I’m still in disbelief.

      1. haha, he only had a babysitter for 3 ish hours?

      2. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        No, he left the 4 and 7 year old home alone…so we think. We’re not 100% sure. They live like 100 yards from my parents where the wedding was so IDK.

      3. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        Yeah. He is the same uncle who two years ago dumped his kids on me at 9pm on NYE and said he needed to “get out of here for a little” even when I was being insistent that I had plans and needed to leave. He is pretty much clueless on life. (Did I mention his kids have had lice for almost 2 years? My mom called CPS or something of the like because it’s ridiculous.)

      4. lets_be_honest says:

        Honestly, he sounds like he needs help. I kinda feel sorry for him.

        p.s. I think its great you took the kids that night. He could’ve been an a-hole who wanted to go out, but he could’ve also been at his breaking point. I wish more parents would do that when they reach their limit.

      5. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        Yeah, I wish he had had a legitimate reason. He only has the kids part time on weekends and dumps them on people every chance he can. (Like every Sunday he just shows up at my moms with the girls and wanders off, sometimes for 20 minutes, sometimes for hours…) I honestly feel terrible for the children, because their mom is even worse. My mom is completely fed up and reported the head lice thing to their social worker so hopefully something happens to help them.

        And no, Katie, we didn’t expect anything more. Which is precisely why we didn’t invite the girls to the wedding, because we knew their caregiver is incapable of caring for them. That and they latch onto my mom and sister immediately upon seeing them and I didn’t want them to deal with that on our wedding day.

      6. lets_be_honest says:

        Oh boy. Well I can’t say I blame those poor kids for latching onto your family!

      7. oh wow. well, theres that too. i guess did you really expect any different? sad.

  9. A friend of mine had invited her buddy and his wife to their super small intimate wedding, and they brought their “project friend” as in this 20 something Eyore type who was sad and depressed and they were treating like some rescue dog they were rehabbing. I keep saying “well we live somewhere hardly anyone gets married or has a “traditional” wedding if they do” to excuse it but I’m just trying to be nice. Also they showed in jeans/t-shirts like it was a house party when the venue and invite clearly showed it was a “fancy” thing. And no they have no excuse; they’re both educated adults with professional jobs and attire.

  10. Avatar photo Imsostartled says:

    I had this same thing happen with my wedding. People kept posting the Save the Date and the Invite. It was really weird. I was like I’m happy that you like the invites and are excited, but my mom’s address is on there. Odd. I really didn’t know that this was a thing.

    I posted our wedding website at the behest of people on fb, but I blocked everyone except for those invited from seeing it. I also hate the countdown thing that’s going on. I get something like 1 month or 1 week to the wedding, but I know someone who started her countdown for her wedding at 18 months. It was ridiculous.

    1. lets_be_honest says:

      You know what i hate as much as countdowns, those posts that read “Three years ago today, the love of my life got down on one knee and made me the happiest woman in the world I love you Timmy. Thank you for blah blah,” choke me why don’t you!

      1. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        Gag me! Especially if it ends “…. Thank you for being my best friend!” Sumfin about it makes me gag a little.

      2. lets_be_honest says:

        Yes, I knew I was forgetting something, but I was getting nauseous so cut it short! lol

      3. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        understandable, understandable

      4. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        i challenge somene to post all of what you said, plus the “best friend” comment, plus “the hubby” or “the wifey” plus “we’re pregnant” plus…. what else could make this the most lethal FB status ever?

      5. “i am so happy to announce, along with my future hubby/wifey, that along with the little bun in the oven, we have official become pre-engaged!”

      6. dang it wait- “i am so happy to announce, along with my future hubby/wifey, who is my best friend in the whole world, that because of this little surprise pregnancy, we have official become pre-engaged!”

        there you go.

      7. lets_be_honest says:

        Needs more katie. Juice it up a little. More gagging! 😉

        Throw an “Oops Baby” in there maybe?

        Start with a “it is with extreme and profound love that my hubby Timmy and I announce…”

        But jesus I want to announce I’m pre-engaged on facebook just for reactions!

      8. haha, i also have a secret desire to post stupid stuff like being “pre-engaged” just to get reactions out of people. oops.

      9. Avatar photo iwannatalktosampson says:

        I mean seriously – how do people look themselves in the mirror everyday? How do you take yourself seriously? I wish everyone knew how much I am making fun of them behind their backs. Those people are the best too because they’re always the ones that break up. It’s like the most you post how happy you are really the more miserable you are.

      10. lets_be_honest says:

        Same with people who post selfies. Its like posting “I’m very insecure and need my 423 facebook friends to constantly tell me I’m a hottie”

      11. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        Haha, selfies make me laugh out loud. My Instagram friends appear to LOVE them. The fish face ones are my favorite.

      12. lets_be_honest says:

        GG, I saw a mock up of the game Duck Hunt with a picture of girls doing selfie duckfaces instead of the actual ducks.

      13. WAIT i have an ever better one

        “i am so happy to announce, that because of this surprise pregnancy (surprise, everyone!), my best friend in the whole world is going to become my hubby one day! we are officially pre-engaged!”

        and cue “relationship status change” from “in a relationship” to “pre-engaged”. and he accepts it instantly so that they are right by one another in your newsfeed.

      14. This would frost some people’s cookies!

        “I’m so happy to annouce that my exboyfriend and I fell pregnant, and tomorrow I’m going to marry the love of my life, who is going from my baby boo to my hubby.”

      15. Jessibel5 says:

        This status makes me feel stabby.

      16. hahaha @ your frist sentence.

        One of my friends just posted this: “If you’re not married, quit calling your boyfriend “hubby.” If you are married, shut up anyway, because your combination of words forces me into an inescapable state of nausea.”

      17. thewriteway says:

        I know of a couple who used to do this…well, except they weren’t married but acted like they were (using “hubby,” “best friend,” etc. all the time). They broke up last month.

      18. Avatar photo iwannatalktosampson says:

        Oh fack funny you say that I got a bunch of those on my feed today. You know who cares about your anniversary? NO ONE. Literally not a single person cares. You should be banging instead of updating facebook. Or you know, turn your head to the side and say it. These public facebook displays of affection really grind my gears. Get a life everyone.

      19. lets_be_honest says:

        Got this one a couple days ago.

        Two years ago today, Timmy got down on one knee and asked me to marry him, much to my surprise! It’s been a wonderful journey and we’ve only just begun… Laissez les bons temps rouler!!

        Can you believe Iwanna? She was surprised! And knows French! Holy grail of obnoxious fb statuses. Here’s another. I’m deleting fb.

        Three years ago today was one of the best days of my life, you asked me to spend the rest of my life with you! I can not believe how much you and I have accomplished together and how our love for one another grows stronger each day! You are my best friend and I couldn’t ask for a more incredibly loving, supportive and handsome man to call my husband! Xoxo

      20. Avatar photo iwannatalktosampson says:

        I hate everyone.

      21. lol… Laissez les bons temps rouler is a saying from new orleans that is like a “party on” kind of phrase… i would never even think to put that with romantic stuff. haha

      22. lets_be_honest says:

        Show off! I figured it meant me and my hubby are douchebags.

      23. Jessibel5 says:

        Exactly, I think the exact translation is “Let the Good Times Roll “and it’s everywhere around Mardi Gras…unless they were from NOLA, that makes very little sense…

      24. kerrycontrary says:

        Yeh, that phrase makes no sense in reference to a romantic relationship.

      25. it’s ‘let the good times roll’ if i’m reading that correctly.

      26. If the message is just to him then why not just tell ONLY HIM????? I’m with Iwanna…this makes me hate people I don’t even know.

      27. lets_be_honest says:

        Well, to be fair, she did tag him in the post. Haha. I’m with Fire. So weird.

      28. Yes!! I have several extended family members who have statuses written directly to their SO. Like, don’t you live together? Why can’t you just tell them?!

      29. Brown-eyed NoVA Girl says:

        what guy actually wants his wife to write that shite on FB and then tag him? I’m pretty sure his buddies will make him surrender his man card.

      30. Jessibel5 says:

        I may be guilty of some annoying FB behavior. After we’d been married for three months, I posted on my husband’s wall “Milestone alert, we beat Kim Kardashian and whatshisface! Good job, buddy! High five to us!”

      31. lets_be_honest says:

        That’s not annoying! That’s funny.

      32. Jessibel5 says:

        I had to do something to show him a little bit of love, lol! He was the one who kept posting the countdown to the wedding, and my responses kept being stuff like “Yeah, I’m testing my escape route now” and “You keep up this timeline thing up, there will be no wedding to count down to!” I think I’m so afraid of being cheesy on Facebook that I go too wildly in the opposite direction. He knew I was joking, because he knows me, but I totally got a call from my mom being like “stop being mean to him!” Mom didn’t get it. Dad’s always saying when he wins the lottery his first purchase is to buy her a sense of humor…

        But yeah, I hate people on FB, I think it often brings out the worst in people…but I…can’t…stop.

      33. lets_be_honest says:

        HAHA, I have a crush on you now. And your dad.

      34. Jessibel5 says:

        WHAT?! This warms the cockles of my heart, because I’ve had a crush on you forever! It started because of your avatar picture being one of my favorite t-shirts, but then it just grew into more.

      35. lets_be_honest says:

        No way!! Our love is growing more every day, Jessibel!

      36. time to update facebook!

      37. Jessibel5 says:

        We can create STD’s and post photos of them on the Dear Wendy page, complete with ALL OF our personal information.

      38. Jessibel5 says:

        *Dear Wendy Facebook Page

      39. lets_be_honest says:

        Just shoot me your SS# in an email so I can put in on our save the date! Also, your mom’s maiden name.

      40. Jessibel5 says:

        LBH, I know you were joking, obv, but fun fact! It’s prohibited to send SSN’s over e-mail if the system isn’t encrypted. In my job I have to deal with SSN’s all day every day and I have to constantly remind people not to send SSN’s over e-mail!

        (Back to the fun) LBH, I’m registering for our non-wedding. I’m going to put all Waterford, Wedgewood, and other expensive luxury sundries on it, I think that the cheapest thing is $900. Obviously we can’t afford it, so we’ll ask other people for it! You cool with this? Then we’re gonna put the registry information on the invitations.

      41. lets_be_honest says:

        Sweet! Does everyone see how high class my wifey to be is? She says things like SUNDRIES! Fancy bitch over here!
        Can you add this to our registry?

      42. Jessibel5 says:

        Anything you want, smoochums. (gag me with a spoon…)

        We can carry this on our picnic dates to the park while we’re wearing our popped collar polo shirts and have our sweaters tied around our necks.

      43. lets_be_honest says:

        OMG we’re gonna be so cute!

      44. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        Jessibel and LBH need to get a room!

      45. Jessibel5 says:

        Don’t worry AP, if we break up, we’ll likely have a completely inappropriate, passive aggressive, dramatic Facebook breakup, seeing as we’re posting so much about how awesome we are and how great our love is! Then you’ll have some entertainment!

      46. lets_be_honest says:

        You’re just jealous.

      47. Somebody is jealous, because their budjypoo hasn’t been around!

      48. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        i sound pretty bitter, don’t i?!

        but did you hear? mrmidtwentysomething is the new budjypoo 2.0, except he’s dating Roxy.

      49. I did that, too! 🙂

      50. I do this on our “day we started hooking up-a-versary” (um I don’t call it that). I find it strange people find it offensive. I’m just lettin’ y’all know we’re happy and I love him. WTF exactly ARE people allowed to post on FB these days? I swear people will bitch about anything and everything.

      51. I’m glad other people have a “day we started hooking up-a-versary.” And I think I WILL start calling it that…

      52. Jessibel5 says:


      53. Jessibel5 says:

        One of my really annoying-about-that-stuff friends posted something like that “6 months ago today my husband made me the happiest girl on earth! Muah, I love you (husband’s gag-worthy nickname which was stolen from a tv show and isn’t even original)!!”

        I got so fed up I responded “Thanks! I really needed to throw up today and this was just the thing to do it!” I’m surprised at my own meanness there.

        Between the two of them on their first anniversary they posted OVER 100 pictures and status updates about how much they love each other and what they were doing. They got blocked at that point.

      54. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        100 pictures and statuses? Whattttttt. I would have de-friended them haha.

      55. Jessibel5 says:

        Well, I’m also the loser who counted. I get very focused on the object of my annoyance when I’m annoyed!

      56. kerrycontrary says:

        I know a couple that isn’t married (been together like 2 years) that has 400 photos of themselves on facebook (they are hidden from my newsfeed). Every time they are together, anywhere, they take photos of themselves. Like in front of the fireplace at their house. In the front yard of their friends house. Not even interesting places. It’s so weird!

      57. Jessibel5 says:

        The selfies. The selfies with them smooching. She’s always in the same pose, with the hip cocked out and the “skinny-arm”? Am I right?

      58. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        That’s ludicrous. My husband and I only have 163 photo’s together on FB in over 5 years.

        And Jessibel5, don’t knock the skinny girl arm, it’s amazing.

      59. lets_be_honest says:

        Skinny arm?? I have max 10 photos on fb of my pre-engaged partner and I, probably only 5.

      60. Jessibel5 says:

        GG, agreed, it’s totally amazing and I totally do it if given the chance…but some girls I know do it in EVERY SINGLE PICTURE and won’t let you take the picture until they’ve gotten into their pose! I can understand doing it occasionally or in a posed picture, but one girl I know refuses to be between two people in group shots and always has to be on the end of the group so she can do it…and she throws her head back so you see her “waterfall” of hair. The rest of us roll our eyes and let the camera add the 10 lbs.

      61. Omg, that’s ridiculous that she refuses to be in the middle (& I lol’d at “The rest of us roll our eyes and let the camera add the 10 lbs.”)

        I think I have too many FB photos though. It’s not that short of 2000? Oops? (but my boyfriend & I only have 160 pictures together in about 3 1/2 years of dating, plus being friends beforehand?)

      62. Jessibel5 says:

        Confession time: I don’t even have wedding pictures. My pro photographer bro took them and hasn’t had time with his real job to edit them and give them back to me. And I’m not even the slightest bit antsy to get them. I wonder if that says something about me…

      63. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        How long ago was your wedding? And you don’t even have like iPhone pictures or anything? I think it’s weird…

      64. Jessibel5 says:

        So, my wedding was very tiny. 12 guests, just family (and one friend of my grandma’s that crashed). I asked my father in law and brother in law for their iphone pictures, but they never sent them to me. My mom took a video that she sent to the rest of the extended family, but I can’t put that in a frame, lol.

        For some reason, the day of my wedding, I didn’t feel pretty. I felt totally off and uncomfortable. It had nothing to do with being married to Chuckles (what I am going to call him from now on), but I really hate being the center of attention even for a second, so I was totally uncomfortable that even these 12 people would be watching me. I get hives when I need to speak publicly sometimes. I didn’t feel right in my dress and kept thinking “I wish I could have worn something different” I hated my makeup, and my hair, and I felt like I had chipmunk cheeks all day. I originally just wanted to go to the town hall in jeans, but was forced out of that by family guilt. So looking at the pictures just makes me wish I could redo it, I guess.

      65. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        I feel you on hating being the center of attention. That practically give me hives too. Just try and remember it was all worth it because you’re married now 🙂 So cheesy but true.

      66. kerrycontrary says:

        lol my bf’s mom was laughing about how I have to put my hand on my hip. I was like “My arms look fat otherwise!” (which in reality, they don’t look fat, and there’s nothing wrong with having fat on your arms. Keeps you from getting cold).

      67. what is the skinny girl arm???

      68. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:
      69. I loooooove commenting on Facebook-PDA status updates. Haha. I’ve probably lost a few FB friends that way.

      70. okay wow that’s like… wow. just no.

      71. Oh I hate those. I saw a facebook Meme once posted by one of the frequent offenders of said “look at the basic task that my super awesome manchild bf did for me” (And it’s usually that he made her top ramen or something fancy like velveeta mac n cheese), that said “If you have to keep posting on facebook that someone loves you, perhaps it’s because you aren’t sure and need to remind yourself”

        And then she added “I’m so glad I fell in love with my best friend and never feel that way… I looove youu booo”

        Excuse me, I just puked from having to even write that…

      72. Jessibel5 says:

        Um…if my husband made me velveeta mac and cheese…I can’t even. That’s amazing.

        Cheese is why my butt is big.

      73. The stuff in the box? Like the boil water, drain and stir? Yeah, it’s good, but not something I’d post on FB. Now if he made real mac n cheese, I’d be all over that, but that’s because it requires actual effort.

      74. Jessibel5 says:

        I am obsessed with the box stuff. I’m also a Kraft Elitist and refuse to eat the elbows. The spirals and Spongebob shapes just taste better. So basically if my husband makes me boxed mac and cheese, he just knows that I love it and it’s actually sweet, lol.

      75. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        The Monsters Inc mac and cheese is pretty good. I only eat the cartoon shapes too.

      76. Velveeta is unbelieves. It just tastes so good. I’ve never thought of it, but I think I’m going to try and drop some bread crumbs, and crackers on that stuff, bake it for a couple of minutes and see if I’m in love.

      77. Jessibel5 says:

        One day right out of college, my best guy friend and I decided we wanted to have a “be a bum” day. We skipped work one day and watched the John Adams miniseries and each made a pot of macaroni and cheese and ate out of the pots, no bowls required. It sounds disgusting, but it was the best. We did a few more of those through the years, which is where I learned that some Chinese food places absolutely deliver at breakfast time.

      78. ohhh a good friend of mine in college and i did something like that, but we would also drink and give each other massages- i would look forward to it all week. katie and zach fridays. so great.

      79. temperance says:

        My husband put panko on top of shells n’ cheese …. it was so good.

      80. lets_be_honest says:

        This was another thing I wanted in the DW book. Basic standards are not great things. I’m totally not saying that right. KATIE, wasn’t it you who wrote that??

      81. maybe? i dunno. i find myself saying a lot though something to the effect of “have higher standards for people in your life”

        it doesnt matter though, its true- basic standards are just that, basic. dont brag about them. like chris rock said “your SUPPOSED to do that!”

      82. Grilledcheesecalliope says:

        Will u pretty please swap life ideologies with my boyfriend? Please.

  11. I actually think the more important issue here is the restraining order thing (aren’t those kinda serious)? And would follow through with the suggestions Wendy had about emailing people to keep key info off the internet.

    However, still feel like i need to weigh in on the hurt feelings — I think it is worse to not even know about a wedding of a friend you think you should have been invited to than to just not be invited? I mean, isn’t going to be even more awkward later if you run into them at a mutual friends gathering, and they don’t even know you are married? So don’t make it a ‘secret’ from anyone, and just accept that, yes, some people may feel snubbed no matter what.

    So i think the restraining order is a more valid reason for asking people to keep info on the DL, but just posting about excitement over participating in the wedding shouldn’t really be an issue.

    1. Idk much about Facebook due to the fact I hate social media. But if it is going to be such a big deal why can’t the LW just post a message stating “As much as we would have loved to have a big wedding, it is not feasible for us. Please do not be hur if you were not among those invited. We were not able to invite everyone we wanted to.” Or something along those lines and just nip all of it in the bid?

  12. I think Wendy’s sample message is perfect, so the LW could just send that. She’s well within her rights to ask people not to post pictures of the save-the-date…aren’t there addresses & stuff on there? I’d be weirded out having that on the internet (I also once blurred my license plate # when I posted a pic of me washing my car, so there’s that)

  13. boredatwork says:

    Honestly if this really bothers her she could simply deactivate facebook and Instagram for now. I realize that people have a ’right’ to privacy (less and less nowadays) but she needs to understand that even without social media these things get around. When my parents got married (back before the internet) they had a small wedding (under 100 people) and my mom said after sending out the invites she had her mom’s friends, and other people she knew asking where their invite was or if it got lost in the mail. How did they find out about her wedding? People talk! I say she needs to worry less about this, sure post the message Wendy suggested if you want to, but even then people will continue to ‘invade your privacy’ by posting about your wedding online.

    1. Avatar photo iwannatalktosampson says:

      Her deactivating doesn’t solve the problem at all. That’s called burying your head in the sand. Lalalalala if I don’t see it it’s not happening. Honestly it makes me really mad when people are inconsiderate of what they put on facebook. I mean I don’t really need pictures of myself in a bikini in the snow drunk you know? I have a reputation to uphold, I’m an adult. Anyway it’s rude.

      1. Avatar photo iwannatalktosampson says:

        And don’t tell me that I should just quit getting drunk in a bikini and jumpting in the snow, because really without that what’s the point of life? But it’s not something my grandma needs to see. (Because she will call, and she will ask why, I will have to explain the concept of margarita super soakers to her, and it just gets weird).

      2. Avatar photo gatecrashergirl says:

        I love everything that you just posed IWTTS. Every last bit of it.

      3. Jessibel5 says:

        Why are Margarita Super Soakers not a thing in my life?

      4. absurdfiction says:

        I am seriously making margarita super soakers happen this weekend if the sun comes out!

      5. Jessibel5 says:

        Can we be friends?!

      6. absurdfiction says:

        Totally! Meet you at the pool Saturday morning! (We can drink before noon, right??)

      7. Jessibel5 says:

        Margarita breakfast is what life is all about.

      8. absurdfiction says:


  14. Here’s another point of view: If my future daughter in law told me I couldn’t make any posts relating to my son’s wedding I would be very confused. It would never, never, never cross my mind that I was being “thoughtless” by posting about it. Or that I was “bizarro” or my comments were “unnecessary”. Just food for thought.

    1. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

      But if you asked why she didn’t want it on FB and she explained…it would make sense right? And you’d oblige?

      1. That’s the not point of my comment.

      2. lets_be_honest says:

        But it is though. You likely would be less confused once she provided an actual explanation for it.

      3. Especially with the restraining order bit. It’s not all fun and games when other people are dangerous.

      4. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        I completely understand your point- some people may not have any idea that the couple wouldn’t want the info on FB. But once it was explained to you (not you specifically, you generally) I would hope that most people who understand and stop posting, respecting the couples wishes.

      5. My point is that I find it concerning that she already dismisses her future in laws as thoughtless bizarros that make unnecessary comments.

      6. absurdfiction says:

        Wow, completely off-base. Please read my comment below, you are definitely misunderstanding me.

      7. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        I don’t know why this is urking me so much but- She said the ACT was kind of bizarro and thoughtless, NOT her future in-laws. Vastly different things. LW even clarified that she really likes her in-laws. She wasn’t “dismissing” them, she was asking for advice on how to resolve a slight issue.

        Jeez Louise. Projecting much?

    2. well thats the because even the most obnoxious of people, and especially of facebook users, dont understand that their behavior isnt normal and acceptable everywhere by everyone

    3. absurdfiction says:

      LW here. I really like my future in-laws. But like a lot of the older generation, they are really weird on facebook. Like things that should be a private message (or a phone call) end up as a public comment on a friend’s picture or something. I wasn’t being snotty, if that’s what it sounded like! And I would never “tell them what to do” — NonFic would certainly be the one to address any concerns with his parents, as I would with mine.

      1. parents are so weird on facebook. my mom recently told me that she goes to my page all the time and reads stuff, but never posts anything… and i was like mom, you know thats called being a facebook stalker, right? and she goes, but i dont have anything to say! and i said, thats why they made a like button. it was hilarious.

        there is also jakes grandmother who “steals” my pictures and has created her own albums for her grandkids, she cracks me up so bad when she does that…

        most of the time its hilarious, but i can totally see how its not hilarious with things like this

      2. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        I have an aunt who tags herself in photo’s she likes- I guess so she can find the photo’s again easily? IDK it’s weird.

      3. absurdfiction says:

        Older friend of mine recently asked me when I got a cat, because I posted a Grumpy Cat meme thing once-upon-a-time, and apparently they’ve been walking around for months thinking I got a cat and treat it terribly.

      4. oh my god that is hilarious, like beyond funny.

        related: i really want a grumpy cat of my own, like for real

      5. Jessibel5 says:

        I printed out a picture of grumpy cat and put it on the door of the office of the Vice President of my company, because he is always so grumpy. Except when you do things like put a picture of Grumpy Cat on his office door, then he laughs and thinks you’re hilarious.

      6. absurdfiction says:

        Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.

      7. Jessibel5 says:

        That is..mind boggling.

      8. comedic gold. i freaking love it.

      9. lets_be_honest says:

        Cute as hell! Grandma had to write in all caps so she could see what she was typing.

      10. Avatar photo theattack says:

        Oh my gosh, that last one almost made me vomit. I don’t understand why some people think medical information is something to be shared. First of all, no one wants to hear about your medical problems, and second of all, you don’t have a right to talk about other people’s medical problems without their permission. Godddd.

      11. Avatar photo iwannatalktosampson says:

        Those are awesome. My grandma called me once and asked my why I hadn’t liked any of her pictures which I thought was kind of funny. She’s very demanding and attentive to facebook. Not unlike teenage girls.

      12. Jessibel5 says:

        You know, it’s totally a thing. We had to explain to my father-in-law that posting long political diatribes as responses to posts or shares were NOT messages directly to us and everyone was seeing them, including the personal stuff that was being posted. F-I-L called my husband out one night on FB for not hugging F-I-L’s wife when we left their house one night (he barely knows the woman, so I think not hugging her was fine) right on his wall.

      13. absurdfiction says:

        Haha. Future F-I-L and I do not agree on politics at alllllll, and he actually told NonFic once that he has to “bite his tongue” on fb sometimes with me. Not that I am a frequent poster of political things, but I appreciated that he was making an effort!

      14. lets_be_honest says:

        I kept wondering why someone would name their fiance NonFic. It all makes sense now, absurd!

      15. absurdfiction says:

        Yeah it does look pretty strange out of context like that!

      16. Yeah I’ve seen this too. I’m kind of horrified about the total dramas my BFF’s grandma posts on her FB page “well your cousin is a bitch and no one loves me” :-O Near as I can figure many folks over say, 45ish, have NO CLUE that EVERYONE AND THEIR DOG can read fb. I’ve seen it taken to severe extremes where a friend of mine whose husband was 50something was flirting with his HS sweetheart on his own wall, and acted like she was ridiculous for thinking everyone could see it and was all upset she was cramping his vibe (they had an open marriage but did not want anyone knowing about it besides well, themselves and the people they were banging… specifically NOT THEIR TEENAGE KIDS). Finally one of their teen sons came in all sobbing hysterical about it and even then the asshat didn’t get that son can SEE IT and NO mom was NOT showing him! God some older people are fucking dumb on the net! FB does not = email!

    4. Why does it have to be the daughter in-law that tells you, why wouldn’t it be your son? Then how would you feel? Though I can see how it would be weird if she just all of the sudden deleted your comments without telling you why which seems like she is doing, and that is pretty rude if there is no explanation.

  15. I have a sort of related stalker story….i was throwing my brother and SIL a stag and doe (a few years ago)….and my SIL’s brother’s ex girlfriend who was stalking him found out on FB where the stag and doe was being held…while everyone was inside the party this girl showed up and put nude photos of her and my SIL’s brother on everyones car….crazy!

    1. lets_be_honest says:

      Stag and doe?

      Good lord! That’s super nutty!

      1. It’s a party to fundraise for a wedding.

        ::::ducking for cover::::

      2. Jessibel5 says:

        Well, slap my ass and call me Shirley…I thought that’s just what they called bachelor/bachelorette parties in the UK! They raise money at those things?!

        I lived in Madrid for a while, and almost every weekend I ran into a Stag party and they were always delightful. I spent one Saturday night drinking with a group of rowdy, boozy Irishmen who had their groom dressed up as Elvis and it’s one of my favorite memories.

      3. I noticed that when I was in Barcelona too – all these stags with themed outfits…so not what happens in Canada. I saw a group of British guys dressed as bubble bees, one group as super heroes, a soccer team…I just couldn’t understand the bubble bees though. A stag could just be a bachelor party but some cultures have the money as a gift component part too (mostly I’ve seen with Italian). Having a stag and doe just makes the party co-ed.

      4. is a stag and doe a Canadian thing? (I’m Canadian so maybe Americans don’t have stag and does?)

      5. I’ve seen them in the US but not referred to it as such. I can’t remmeber what I’ve heard them referred to as in the US. It’s usually something like a raffle night, beers for sale, some sort of poker theme can show up. Oh god I don’t even want to go there because I know it’s going to explode in about 5…4…3…

      6. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        From what I know it’s a Canadian thing any fairly frowned upon as far as US etiquette goes. But I really don’t know much about them.

      7. I literally gasped when I first saw an invite for one just what the sam hell omg I don’t even vapours, fan needed….

      8. Ha!

      9. lets_be_honest says:

        HA! Great comment Breezy.

    2. kerrycontrary says:

      hahah that is really really crazy.

      1. Jessibel5 says:

        I wonder what the crazy lady thought that that’d accomplish…I can see the ex of your brother doing that (if she were crazy) because maybe she’d cause problems for the couple, but…what did that do other than waste photo paper?

      2. yeah….not sure why she chose that venue either….i guess it was because he kept his location to her pretty much a secret except that unfortunate event was posted on fb….she even put the naked pictures on his parent’s car….his mom was the first person to see them as she was leaving!

      3. lets_be_honest says:

        I think Wendy ought to dole out advice to do this to cheating partners from now on.

  16. In the Forums, I wrote about Quitting Facebook and the double edged sword it is. This is another example. You cannot seem to keep your privacy even if you aren’t on there anymore. An example is that I went to my sister’s shower and tons of photos showed up. And people are very picky for photos of themselves but will post the worst photos of thier friends. There are some great parts but also the ability for someone else to really invade your space.

    1. Avatar photo iwannatalktosampson says:

      I actually pride myself on being very considerate of pictures I put up of other people even if I look great. I have actually asked people many times before if “this picture is good enough to post” and if they say no we just take another. Problem solved.

      1. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        I do that too. And especially with people’s children (I ask the parents).

      2. Avatar photo iwannatalktosampson says:

        And this is maybe embarrassing but I’ve also gotten a lot better about being less vain about the pictures I post of myself too. Like my friend and I took a picture of us post half marathon (so drenched in sweat and gross looking) drinking beer and I was like you know what? Fuck it. This is a happy moment and I want to capture it – even if I look like shit. I mean who would expect me to look great? I felt really mature about it too, haha. Like I’ve reached some milestone in life.

      3. This reminds me, couple weeks back at my brother’s graduation, my mom was taking photos of the two of us and tried to very nicely tell me to suck in my gut (between skinny jeans and bad posture, I had a muffin-top going on) and I was like fine, whatever. Brother just posted all the grad photos on Facebook and tagged me, including the before-gut-check and after-gut-check versions, and I was like OOF, wow, ugh, that’s awful. But I left myself tagged as a reminder/lesson to myself to NOT CARE SO MUCH ABOUT MY WEIGHT.

        That said, after some recent photos that went up from Graduation and work events, I think I’m going to have to ban anyone from taking photos of me from the side. Because from that angle, I am just all boobs. At least from the front it’s not *so* obvious how disproportionately big they are unless I’m wearing something very revealing. God I want my reduction surgery!

      4. Jessibel5 says:

        Can I have what you don’t want? I need more.

  17. We had a person show up invited to our wedding. Our best man came from England to Utah for our wedding. His mom came along for the trip, and we assumed that she was just coming home to visit family and the like. We both hate big fusses, and we had a tiny wedding (25 people). So only those really close to us were invited. When I was at the altar, she was the person who was in my direct line of site (aside from Mr. Othy, of course). But I had no idea who she was. I just kept looking at her, trying to figure out who she was and why she was there. Luckily, we had ordered an extra meal, just in case, so she didn’t go hungry.

    In the years since, she’s moved back here and we’ve gotten to know her better. She’s a lovely woman, and was just used to the ‘open house’ type weddings that they have in Utah, so she just assumed we were doing that.

  18. sarolabelle says:

    My advice to the LW (and this is what I did to), is to make a list of people on FB called “wedding guests” then all things wedding related post on facebook but only show it to that list of people. I also hid my wall posts that others could view for a time to only guests of the wedding. Now the pictures and the comments are another thing but there is a way around the privacy settings of facebook.


    1. absurdfiction says:

      LW here. That was thoughtful of you to go to the trouble to avoid hurting anyone’s feelings, but I’m not posting anything on fb about the wedding myself, and don’t really have any interest in doing so. It’s everyone else who’s posting about it, and I have no control over that! I think I’m gonna send something like Wendy’s message to the repeat offenders & hope really hard that Crazy Friend (she of the restraining order) is not mutual friends with any of the posters. NonFic can talk to his parents if they keep posting about it — I’m not going to message them about it, I don’t want to accidentally upset anyone. 🙂

  19. While I understand there’s all sorts of etiquette and unspoken rules about wedding invites, I lean towards an answer of “You’re not responsible for other people’s feelings.” If someone (especially a not-close friend) decides to get all pouty about not getting invited to a wedding they know is happening, that’s kind of on them, no? I mean, get over yourself. But I think people read WAY too much meaning into invites anyway. It seems like everything around weddings is out of proportion these days.

    Now that said, I might be a horrible person. I started being good friends with this girl in college, we’ll call her Shelly. Not BFF-level of closeness, but we still hung out a lot, confided in each other, etc. She was several years older than me, quite bossy, and flirted aggressively with my at-the-time fiance: sat on his lap, asked him for backrubs, and even groped him when she gave him a hug. My fiance always got along better with Shelly than I did because they’re both extroverts, and he sure didn’t mind the flirting, so those two were still on friendly terms while I was starting to hold a jealous grudge. But I was too chicken-shit to actually confront her, I just tried to ghost my way out and hoped we’d drift apart after college anyway.

    Wedding time arrives, and I decided no way no how would Shelly be invited, even if she and my fiance were still friends. I didn’t rub it in her face or anything, but I also didn’t go out of my way to prevent her from knowing about it, seeing photos, etc. The day after we got married, she posted on my FB Wall “Thanks for the invite” and then defriended me, and we haven’t spoken since. Problem…solved?

    So maybe not a horrible person, but a very cowardly one.

    1. Jessibel5 says:

      Or…you cut a toxic man-eater from your life in the easiest way possible? I dunno, I think if you’re sitting on an engaged man’s lap, there’s some moral fiber loose there.

      1. See, when I was 18 I also thought it was “cool” to be all carefree, no-big-deal, “It’s just sex!” about stuff like that, so for a while I convinced myself I wasn’t jealous. I didn’t want to be That Girl who freaks out when someone looks at her man the wrong way, but went too far in the other direction. If I’d actually said something to her when it started to bother me, we might have been able to stay friends (if she had indeed curbed her behavior). I’d say I took a passive-aggressive way out.

      2. kerrycontrary says:

        Or you could’ve said something to your boyfriend who could’ve been like “don’t touch me!” I don’t think it’s right to flirt with an engaged/taken man but clearly it takes two to tango.

      3. Come to think of it…she was engaged at the time too. That’s all I’ll say about her ‘moral fiber.’

    2. kerrycontrary says:

      A girl would have about 2 seconds to sit on my boyfriends lap before I ripped her off of it and then had a very serious conversation with him (which would happen one time only). Clearly your fiance was OK with receiving this sort of over-the-line (at least in my book) sort of attention.

      1. Oh yeah, he was, and as I just wrote above, I didn’t exactly get in the way of it either. We were 18, what can I say. We still had a lot of growing up to do.

      2. kerrycontrary says:

        No i get trying to be the “cool girl”. I totally do. And then you look back years later and you’re like “WTF was I thinking? that was NOT ok!”. Now I don’t care if anyone thinks I’m being a jealous bitch because I know the truth.

      3. Right? My whole freshman year of college can pretty much be summed up with “WTF was I thinking!”

      4. lets_be_honest says:

        So this just reminded me of a great idea I had in the middle of the night last night. I want Wendy to make a book of her best letters & best advice. Basically easy, since its already on here, but if it was a book, I could give it to people, like my daughter. All these things like you are saying that girls don’t realize til they are older….can you imagine how much better off young girls would be with this kinda advice? Do it Wendy! Please!

      5. It’s a good idea. I was such a stubborn teen, though, any well-meaning “I’ve been there” advice from older women went in one ear and out the other. I was so convinced that MY experience was different, I was unique, their rules couldn’t apply to MY situation… it just makes me laugh and roll my eyes now.

      6. lets_be_honest says:

        Maybe you’re right. I’d still buy it in a second though. I email myself notes for her when she’s older sometimes. Maybe I’ll compile the Best Ofs myself.

      7. kerrycontrary says:

        I agree. You can give teenage girls all the advice you want but if you tell them 100 things they will probably only put 3 into practice. It’s like when we see a trainwreck coming with our friends and we’re like “no, he’s a dirtbag” and they keep on going back to him.

      8. I’m with you on that. Once a very drunk friend of a friend went to say hello to my then bf and now fiancee by jumping onto him and wrapping her legs around him in a hug. I gave her the death stare, he quickly pushed her off (before I could do so and probably nicer than I would have done it) and then watched her like a hawk, all night. She kept trying to get close forcefully (despite the fact that I was literally sitting at his side) and he kept pushing her off. All I can say is that I was afraid to even get up to pee for fear she’d attack him, and made him stop at a gas station after we left.

        He was so irritated by her insistence to try and do whatever she was trying to do that he refused to hang out with his friend when she was around. That and he knew I’d probably try to kill her if she ever pulled that crap again.

      9. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        I’d probably just go ahead and deck a girl acting like that with my husband. Haha. (Totally not an okay thing to do. The punching. Or the lap sitting. Or being sat on.)

      10. kerrycontrary says:

        I’ve only had a girl flirt with my boyfriend once in front of me, and it was such an odd experience. We had gone our entire relationship without it happening and when it did my claws were about to come out. He didn’t flirt back and we just talked about it later but I was like “RAWRRRR” inside.

      11. Jessibel5 says:

        Haha, I’m picturing you as a dinosaur now…rawrrr.

      12. kerrycontrary says:

        This girl particularly bothered me because she makes a point of flirting with men who are in relationships. Which I don’t like.

      13. Jessibel5 says:

        Sure, sure. That’s shitty.

        I know a girl who was sleeping with a married man. He was a cop, so they’d do it in his squad car while he was sitting in wait for DUI’s and speeders late at night. One day she sent naked pictures to his wife and was all “whoops! I thought I was sending them to you!” (they didn’t know each other, so, seriously?) Then he and his wife broke up because he didn’t want to give up this girl. So they started dating, and a few months into it she was all “ohh…I don’t really wanna be this serious…” Then dated another married man. They do it because it’s safe, maybe?

      14. Jessibel5 says:

        I have realized from typing all these comments and replies today that I know a lot of shitty people. Maybe that’s why I only have a few good friends?

      15. Same with the one who did it to my Fiancee. And directly in front of me. She’s known for going after attached men.

      16. Avatar photo iwannatalktosampson says:

        So this is really random and tangent-y but I thought I’d share. When Ethan and I were in therapy for a hot unsuccessful second, one of the things that we talked about was touching. Like I touch all people the same way. I will sit on a girl cousins lap, a boy cousins lap, I hope hands with aunts, my Grandpa kisses me on the lips, I can sit right next to a guy friend like all snuggled up, everything, and these things are so normal to me. I am super touchy feely when I either love you a lot (familial or platonically) and I don’t specifically differentiate between a SO and others. Love is love to me to a certain extent and it needs to be physically felt. Like through hugs. Sorry if this is starting to sound creepy, haha, I mean obviously I’m not going to make out with my cousin, that’s where I draw the line, haha.

        But Ethan was just so weirded out (and an asshole) about it and it really bugged me. Because hugging and touching is how I show love. And I never get to see my family so I always have so much touchy feelyness to catch up on. I just want to squeeze their faces. Anyway the pastor agreed with me that it was totally normal and some families and people are just different that way and a lot of it is how you were raised. It was AWESOME to be validated in that way. Like to me it always came off the Ethan was creepily jealous (like are you serious? You seriously care if I sit on my girl cousins lap at a family bbq? Psycho) but he wasn’t raised in a touchy feely family.

        So when I’m reading all these stories about you guys freaking out on girls for hugging your boyfriends and sitting on laps it’s so bizarre to me because it seems like you consider it a pick up tactic and sexual. Whereas I consider it just affection and love. Or like I guess since I would do those things to friends too that I love (friend love) a lot and it wouldn’t even phase me that someone would get mad about it. How else can I show you how excited I am to see you if it’s not with a big hug? I mean isn’t the more happiness and love in the world better?

      17. im with you, i dont get when people get all weird about touching.

        and ive totally done the run into a guys arms and jump on him, wrapping my legs around his waist thing, like in front of boyfriends, to other men. those guys are my best friends, i was excited. sue me.

        of course, i also dont automatically assume that people have sexual intentions, whether i am doing the act or other people are. so i would never get all worked up about some other girl on my boyfriend because my mind doesnt go to sex first, i guess.

      18. lets_be_honest says:

        I think that’s very rude, actually. I wouldn’t like someone wrapping their legs around my boyfriend. And to me, it has nothing to do with thinking the leg-wrapper wants to have sex with my boyfriend. I’d be pretty surprised if you watched some girl leg wrapping, massaging and sitting on your boyfriend’s lap and you were honestly 100% cool with it.

        But, I think there are two types of people: those who touch and those who don’t. When those that don’t come in contact with those that do, its very weird. I’m not a hugger and it was pretty strange watching Peter be so affectionate with his family when we first got together. I just wasn’t used to it. I grew to think it was very sweet though.

      19. I think there’s definitely different intents, though? Like, one person could probably jump on my boyfriend & I’d think nothing of it, but somebody else doing the same thing might have more sinister intentions?

        I’m pretty lax with it, though. Mostly because ~I’m~ a touchy person, & my boyfriend is fairly cool with it. So I try to give him the same courtesy, haha (like, I drunkenly grinded on his friend during a wedding once, to the point where the friend had to step away from me, & my boyfriend was just like, mock-sternly, “Fabelle, what have you done?”)

      20. And I let my friends touch my boobs. They aren’t straight or men, though?

      21. Yeah I’m cool with that too! One male friend in particular has motorboating privileges. Husband has no issue with this.

      22. kerrycontrary says:

        Yes I think it’s just about intentions, and most people can figure those out pretty quickly.

      23. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        I agree about intention to a degree, like if I know there are ill intentions it makes me even madder, but across the board I’m just not touchy feely and it all makes me uncomfortable.

        And boobs don’t count. Yours aren’t fake are they? I’ve always wanted to touch fake boobs.

      24. lets_be_honest says:

        I have. Different.

      25. Wait, is the fake boob question addressed to me? Mine aren’t fake! AH!

      26. I mean, not that there’s anything wrong with fake boobs, I just think it’s funny that you thought mine were (if you were talking to me)

      27. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        Yes! haha. Why else would you go around touching boobs?

      28. Avatar photo iwannatalktosampson says:

        Because boobs are awesome. I touch my girl cousins boobs all the time. Sorry I’m not sorry.

      29. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        IWTTS you’re right. boobs are awesome. I should find more female friends who will let me touch theirs 😉

      30. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        I would be floored if a female, actually any person ran up to my husband and wrapped their legs around him as you describe. I don’t even know how I would react, but it would not be in a positive way.

        It’s not even that my mind goes straight to sex, it goes to personal boundaries. I am NOT a touchy feely person with anyone other than my husband. My family hugs briefly, that’s it. No snuggling, kissing, hand holding…the in-laws are pretty much the same. I don’t cuddle with friends of any gender. I have very clear personal boundaries- like I get actively annoyed with close talkers and people who stand 6 inches behind me in line. SPACE PEOPLE.

      31. Avatar photo iwannatalktosampson says:

        Yeah I wouldn’t think anything of it. I’ve been in that position (because shockingly I attract touchy feely friends) because I had a friend do pretty much exactly what you describe to Ethan and you know what I thought – aw I think that means she’s comfortable with him. YAY. They like each other.

      32. “(because shockingly I attract touchy feely friends)”

        haha, yea i think that is something that people dont get either- like, of course my touchy feely friends are also just as ok as i am about this whole thing. and if their SOs are not happy about it, then they dislike a fundamental part of their partner, and that is not about me anyway!

      33. lets_be_honest says:

        Wildly unrelated, but the word psycho reminded me of it.

        lil_be_honest commented as we passed a sign that read “County Psych Ctr” that she thought it was strange someone would name a place Psycho Central. HAHA. Psycho Central.

      34. kerrycontrary says:

        Well, I don’t “freak out about girls hugging my boyfriend”. Because I don’t think hugs are sexual. Like I would never be upset about a girl hugging him. And I would never flip out on affection between family members like Ethan did to you, because your affection level sounds normal. I’m referencing situations where the intent of the other person is clearly sexual. And you often know when someone is interested in your significant other or is trying to get their attention is a romantic way, so there’s no unnecessary drama on my part. I think in KKZ’s story, clearly the girl was openly flirting too much with her boyfriend (now husband). That’s the sort of thing I’m talking about. I’m also a toucher/hugger, (I hugged wendy in the park! are you all jealous? You should be), but I don’t like girls sitting on my boyfriend’s lap. I don’t think that’s weird.

      35. Avatar photo iwannatalktosampson says:

        I think it might just be one of those things were maybe there’s no right or wrong answer you know? Like all of you on the not touchy feely side should give others a large benefit of the doubt and assume they mean to harm, and people like me and katie should try to be more understanding that other people will think of it as sexual. Because it’s so mind boggling to me, it really is. To me sex is sexual. Anything else is just love.

      36. kerrycontrary says:

        But I AM touchy feeling, that’s the thing. I just think that you can clearly tell when it’s flirtatious and when it’s not. I’m not saying that I would never jump up and hug my best guy friends from college. And I probably kiss them on the cheeks too. But you KNOW when someone’s doing it because they are interested “in that way” in your SO.

      37. ok, see, how ironic is this- ive never had that happen to me. im super touchy feely and i have never encountered people to be touchy feely “in that way” to someone i was dating, or to me while i was dating someone.

      38. lets_be_honest says:

        Me neither. I’m quite curious if I’d laugh it off or be annoyed.

      39. kerrycontrary says:

        Yeh like I said it’s happened once with my boyfriend in like 4 years. I used to have it happen a lot more often with my college boyfriend, but he was a shady mcshaderson.

  20. Meh. One of the prices of having a small wedding, or any small social affair, is that some people won’t be invited and may choose to be offended. Whether they find out through Facebook or a conversation with a mutual friend, them taking it so personally is on them. If you care that much about not offending anyone then have a bigger wedding, or find friends that don’t care so much about this stuff.

    1. 6napkinburger says:

      There’s a difference between awkwardness and offense. I’m not offended that I wasn’t invited to a friend’s wedding, but it WAS awkward at a recent wedding we were both bridesmaid’s in with a bunch of mutual friends who are also bridesmaids in her wedding — I could tell she was deliberately not talking about her wedding stuff at all and once or twice accidentally looked at me quickly then looked away (like, unconsciously) when someone mentioned her bridesmaid dresses … it only got better once I told her that her bridesmaid dresses were beautiful and asked how planning was going… then she relaxed and chatted about it the rest of the weekend. Because she knew that I knew that she had sent out the STDs and that I wasn’t invited and she felt weird and I felt weird. I only knew that she had sent out the STDs because we were in that wedding together; otherwise it wouldn’t have been KNOWN-known and we could both ignore it.

      So the same is true when other people post the STD; the bride knows that the people she didn’t invite have seen it and know for a fact they weren’t invited and it becomes the elephant in the room (or i guess on facebook if they congratulate her before the actual wedding– it’s like pointing out that they weren’t invited). So that can be uncomfortable. It can be (justifiably) awkward and uncomfortable without anyone being (unjustifiably) offended.

  21. 6napkinburger says:

    Disclaimer: I agree that (1) the fact that people are posting the save the dates is kinda weird, not that they are posting about the upcoming wedding in general; (2) she is well within her rights to ask ppl not to post as much but they don’t have to listen and probably had the best intentions; (3) this is a little different than most situations because of the restraining order thing… BUT…

    I don’t get people’s huge fear about addresses being public information. For the last 100 years, addresses were all VERY public information, and they were the only thing that was public information. The phone book had people’s names, their home address and their phone number, and MOST people were listed. I think its super weird that people posted the STD, but I don’t find it any creepier because it has your parents’ or your address on it. Is this just me?

    1. to me the difference is that “public knowledge” is still something you have to go look for- like it takes an extra couple actions and some type of desire to find it, while putting something on facebook is like waving it around for everyone to see.

      especially with the restraining order thing, its the difference between that particular guy seeing on facebook that his former girlfriend (or whatever) is going to wedding with x, y, z people and *thinking* about figuring out where it is and then being like fuck it, too much work vs. that guy having the address of everything right there, and being like well that was easy- i can go find her now!

    2. The phone book lists my first initial and last name – you’d have to go through a lot of wrong numbers before you found me but anyone seeing a posting of an invite on FB would KNOW that was my address immediately. And there are people who are unlisted for a reason.
      You shouldn’t post any personal information about anyone else in a public or semi-public forum. At all. You don’t know their history – you don’t know who they are avoiding – you don’t know for what reasons they want to remain private…so err on the side of caution. I had people give out my cell number and email address to their friends… but people I deliberately cut out of my life…. only to have those people call and email me and bother me about things that happened 10/20 years ago. I had to cut the intermediary out of my life too for showing poor judgement.

    3. Avatar photo Imsostartled says:

      Well I think it’s similar to the idea that you shouldn’t post on fb when you are going on vacation. There were pics of the wedding on there that showed my mom’s house, and she has some very nice things that ended up in a few of the photos. Since the people who posted the pics of the invites and stds have other people I don’t know, who knows someone might come to the house and decide to steal something. I think it’s rude to post private information of someone else’s without their express permission. I wouldn’t want someone to post my home address or phone number on fb, even if they could get it elsewhere. Like katie said it’s not readily available and you have to put some effort into finding it.

  22. Jessibel5 says:

    So, I’m a 12 year old boy on the inside and totally giggled at the phrase “e-mail a message to everyone you’ve sent an STD to” because I imagined a person boxing up some good ole clap or some herp and sending it to people.

    1. Avatar photo gatecrashergirl says:

      I 100% read it like that too!

    2. You’re not alone! I always snigger a little when I see friends posting things like, “sending out my STDs today!!” 🙂 I wonder if they are so wedding-obsessed that they really don’t see it?!

  23. I don’t think it’s a matter of “putting two and two together” for someone to find out there was a wedding they weren’t invited to. Unless you plan on pretending that you’re still single, people will know that there was a wedding. And I think it will be pretty clear to them that they weren’t invited, unless they have severe memory loss. I think it would be in poor taste for the bride and groom to post all over social media about it, but when it’s a stranger, it reflects more on the person posting than the couple. Personally, I think it’s a silly thing to get all worked up about.

    As for the restraining order, if the LW was that concerned about this person showing up, then I assume that more effort would have been made beforehand to make sure that the time and location were secret. Most of my friends made wedding sites also, and since the URL was hard for me to remember, I found that Googling them always worked — so if you want to be super private, then stick with paper.

    If the LW is that distressed over the postings, then tell them to stop, but I just don’t think it’s worth all the hand-wringing.

    1. absurdfiction says:

      No hand-wringing here! In the forum post, I was just curious about other peoples’ reactions. Like, I think this is weird and it bugs me a little, have you guys seen this? It was in General Chat, I wasn’t so much looking for advice as just saying, WTF?

      1. Makes sense! I think forget sometimes that some letters are posted on the forums, not actually submitted to Wendy.

        FWIW, I would def find it odd if someone took a photo of the STD and posted it somewhere.

  24. Avatar photo bittergaymark says:

    Odd letter. I mean, I just am floored that people out there are facebooking somebody else’s save the date letter and what not. Talk about boring… Do they REALLY have nothing better to post about their own lives? Talk about sad…

    As far as hurt feelings… Eh, maybe it’s my age or that I am jaded but I am almost RELIEVED lately when I am NOT invited to weddings. Look, I’ve been to far too many of them and, frankly, most are so tedious and dull and poorly put together I don’t exactly ever feel left out when I am not invited… And I don’t think I am THAT unique. I think that many often fear that other will be offended that they weren’t invited — and those left off the list simply really couldn’t give a rip. Or rightly knew that they simply weren’t THAT good of friends…

    WWS, I guess. With all the whackjobs in your life, LW… you might just want to not allow ANYBODY to post things on your wall for a while. There is a setting for that, I’m sure.

    1. kerrycontrary says:

      You really think a lot of weddings are tedious and dull? I love weddings! I would say 9 out of 10 I go to are fun. They are only boring when the person has a bad DJ and no one dances. Otherwise they are awesome parties.

      1. Avatar photo bittergaymark says:

        I’ve been to some AMAZING weddings. And I’ve been to some REALLY dreary ones. If I don’t know the couple all that well, or the ceremony is endless… Um, I once had to stand up for a three hour ceremony that went on and on and on… After, I dunno… maybe fifty or so weddings in my life, I am just kind of over the whole ordeal.

        I also really do think that the reality of things is that far less people are simply DYING to come to one’s wedding than one might think.

      2. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        And that is why you should have chairs for ceremonies! 😉

        Why do you go if weddings bore you so much? I personally LOVE weddings and am kind of sad there isn’t one in my foreseeable future.

      3. Avatar photo bittergaymark says:

        Social politics. Why else? Oh, there were chairs for EVERYBODY else, but not those of us in the wedding party… The highlight of that day was my snide aside to fellow groomsman after the minister said yet again… “And now we have __________ with another reading from the bible.” “What? Really? There’s still words in there that we haven’t already heard yet?” Nobody but Tom heard me, and it was all we could do to not explode with laughter. Not my kindest moment, but seriously? I think there were eight… EIGHT “meaningful” readings… 😉

      4. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        OH snap the wedding party had to stand that long? No thank you. And people probably just want you there because you’re such a hoot 🙂

        8 readings is about 6 too many. Maybe 7 haha.

      5. Avatar photo bittergaymark says:

        It was epic. The readings were LOOOONNNNNGGGGG. And to be blunt, simply NOT everybody should read out loud either. I dunno. The Bible often sounds absurdly trite to me when it’s read out loud in a clipped monotone… It was why I could NEVER take Church very seriously. So much of it is so obvious and the lessons are often hilarious simplistic and childlike. But the ones chosen to be read at weddings especially so…

      6. lets_be_honest says:

        Why would you go to a wedding of someone you barely know?

      7. Avatar photo bittergaymark says:

        Work. Social politics. I oddly get invited to lots and lots of things… I think it’s because I am known to liven things up a bit. Either that, or it’s the classic — he’s gay he has good taste gift grab… 😉

      8. yea, there are a lot of reasons to go to a wedding of people you dont know that well.

        i dragged jake to my GM’s wedding last year and he was all mad about it because he didnt know this guy and had never met my coworkers.. but oh well. you gotta do it sometimes.

      9. lets_be_honest says:

        right, wasn’t thinking about coworkers, but don’t you usually like, know your coworkers?

      10. Avatar photo bittergaymark says:

        Sometimes… But not necessarily very well. Since I freelance so much, I am constantly working with new people all the time. Example: I’ve been invited to wedding of someone I once worked with for only two weeks with on a film six months ago — because we had a fun time on the shoot and yadda yadda yadda.

      11. yea, plus you still have to be very reserved and polite and not drink too much, ect at a co-workers wedding.. usually, at least.

      12. specifically, going to my coworkers wedding was a MUCH different wedding experience then any i had ever had

      13. absurdfiction says:

        Oh we’re having a carnival wedding. Like, with a bounce house and Plinko and lots of booze. It may or may not end up being a lot of things, but I doubt “dreary” will be one of them!

      14. lets_be_honest says:


        Its official, I’ve just been convinced to have a wedding. Can I pleaasseeee come to yours?

      15. absurdfiction says:

        Sure, just find me on facebook! The details are posted everywhere. 😉

      16. lets_be_honest says:

        Ha! You’re funny!

      17. You are awesome.

        One of my friends had a 90’s party for her birthday a few years back, and her roommates made a game called Drinko. They actually made a little plinko board, and the bottom parts were like, do a shot, assign a shot, etc. It was amazing.

      18. absurdfiction says:

        That is a fabulous idea. We may need to alter the rules for our adult guests!

      19. I love weddings, too. But I only go to the weddings of people I am close with, which is probably why I like them so much.

    2. Jaded little thing. I love weddings – cake, dancing, favourite people happy and in love…what’s not to like? I’m so sad there are no weddings this season in my friend circle – everyone is either already married…. or definitely single. There are two people in relationships but no engagements. I don’t think anyone will be accommodating my need for wedding cake any time soon.
      A friend send out a text last week saying she is getting married next week in Bahamas – and I was all “Really? Congrats!!!” and starting looking up flights. My husband got the text too and immediately dismissed it as a joke (because it was) and didn’t even realize the links to flights to Bahamas I was emailing him was in any way related to M’s text.

      1. lets_be_honest says:

        How rude of you to assume you were invited! 🙂

      2. 🙂 I literally call this girl family. As in “Family, what is wrong with you?” Oh I was invited all right. If there was a wedding, I was all over it and Family would need all kinds of security if she wanted it private. That is actually why my husband was so dismissive…Family can’t marry anyone we didn’t meet… ergo she isn’t getting married.

    3. I’m not a huge fan of weddings. A part of me is. I like cake and seeing my friends. Ceremonies are kind of cute. But I’m glad I only have to go to one or two a year.

  25. Married by Elvis says:

    As always, the answer to the problem is “Get married by Elvis.”

  26. I know people who for some reason or another, suspend there Facebook accounts for a period of time. When asked, they say they’re just to busy and were spending to much time on Facebook. That would probably be the easiest option and the best way to save any agonizing over this. When the wedding is over you can just quietly return to Facebook if you’d like.

  27. Sorry but you can’t really have a facebook (or any social networking site) and ask for privacy, its the internet and people have the write to post what they want.

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