Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Pillow Talk: Lumps and Bumps

Me: I’ve got this lump in my armpit—

Him: What?! Oh my God. If it’s cancer—

Me: No, no, it’s not cancer. “Lump” isn’t the right word. I don’t know, it’s more like a bump, I guess. I just noticed it today. It hurts. Here, feel.

Him: I don’t want to feel it.

Me: Feel it!!

Him: (Pushes on it hard).

Me: Ow! Don’t push it, just feel it. Gently.

Him: (Makes face, touches my pit).

Me: What do you think it is?

Him: I don’t know.

Me: It might be some kind of boil. Or a swollen lymph node. Or maybe just an ingrown hair…

Him: It’s gettin’ sexy up in here.

Me: It hurts. Feel it again.

Him: No, I’m done.

Me: Whatever.



17 comments… add one
  • lets_be_honest March 16, 2012, 10:34 am

    Gave me a good laugh!
    Just a fyi, my sister often gets “lumps” from using too much deodorant. But it sounds like you are sure its a bump and not a lump 🙂

    Reply Link
  • Ani Nani March 16, 2012, 10:51 am

    I’ll have to tell my fiance that he isn’t the only one to suffer the indignity of helping his loved one self-diagnose! 🙂

    Reply Link
  • RunsWithScissors March 16, 2012, 10:53 am

    I had that happen once! Just a swollen lymph node after I had pneumonia. It took F-O-R-E-V-E-R to go away…ugh.

    Reply Link
  • Christy March 16, 2012, 10:56 am

    Oh please keep this pillow talk up. New favorite.

    Reply Link
    • Avatar photo

      BecBoo84 March 16, 2012, 11:07 am


      Reply Link
  • Fabelle March 16, 2012, 11:10 am

    Ooh, my boyfriend & I get way too excited doing this to each other. Not sexually, just “ooohhh bodies are sooooo grossssss, but fun” excited.

    Reply Link
  • bethany March 16, 2012, 11:22 am

    Just last night in bed my husband and I were having a very sexy talk about my recent stomach problems. 🙂

    The things marriage does to you…

    Reply Link
  • MissDre March 16, 2012, 11:25 am

    I get that every month along with my period. It’s hormonal. Goes away after a 3 or 4 days. (My mom has always had that too).

    Reply Link
  • Anna March 16, 2012, 11:27 am

    It’s ironic that you posted this today. Yesterday, I found a random bump on my head just above my ear under my hair. I’m not sure how long it’s been there and it’s not very painful but it’s just annoying. I googled it and it seems to be a cystic pimple. Some people say you can get rid of it by holding a warm compress on it several times a day for about a week so I’ve been trying that. I really hope that works. I’m not a big fan of going to doctors and avoid it at all costs. I have hope because I have successfully treated a large ingrown hair bump on my bikini area before using the warm compress method. Anyone else have experience with this kind of pimple?

    Reply Link
    • Jessibel March 16, 2012, 11:41 am

      Haha, I absolutely loved the pillow talk! The things you end up talking about when you’re that comfortable with someone…

      Yeah, Anna, I once had a cystic pimple in my armpit which led to ingrown hairs. The warm compress totally worked. I know someone who used their Zeno Hotspot that worked on a scalp pimple even though the directions say not to use it on stuff like that…but the directions basically also say not to use it on pimples either…so what are we using your product for then? Zeno Hotspot is a godsend but they’re pretty expensive.

      Reply Link
    • Avatar photo

      MandaNoA March 16, 2012, 12:56 pm

      Hey Anna. I have two cysts on my head that I’ve had for years. I had my doctor look at one a couple years ago while I was in for some other sort of checkup and she said it was a benign cyst. She said I could get them surgically removed if I wanted but that I didn’t have too. Since getting them taken out would involve shaving a small part of my head I decided not to go through with it. My doctor told me you can tell its benign if you can move it by pushing on it. It sounds gross and kinda hurts to do but it might give you an idea of what you’re dealing with. I’ve never tried a warm compress on it but I have done that with small cysts and in grown hairs that I occasionally get around my bikin line from shaving. Good luck and be careful!

      Reply Link
      • Anna March 16, 2012, 2:52 pm

        Thanks, that’s good to know! It does move when I push on it. I didn’t think it was cancerous or anything based on the research I already did, but it’s really good to hear that this isn’t abnormal or something that has to be surgically removed. I definitely don’t want to shave any part of my head either! So I am going to continue the warm compress plan for a week and hope it goes away. I’m glad that it’s small and completely hidden by my hair at least.

  • Avatar photo

    CatsMeow March 16, 2012, 11:53 am

    I never want to touch other people’s lumps or bumps, or smell their funky smell, or taste something that just grossed them out. I would wonder why on earth people do that, but I’m guilty of it too! “What’s this bump? I can’t see it.” “Does this taste funny to you?” “I think this milk is bad. SMELL IT!”

    Reply Link
    • Avatar photo

      JK March 16, 2012, 7:31 pm

      My husband does this ALL the time. “This tastes funny?Could it be off? Taste a bit!!!”

      Reply Link
  • MsMisery March 16, 2012, 2:14 pm

    I have a bump on my forehead. I popped it last night so it’s not as zeppelin-esque today. I know you’re not supposed to pop them, but I can’t stop myself.

    Reply Link
  • LolaBeans March 16, 2012, 2:15 pm

    hahahahahahaha, so funny!

    Reply Link
  • Samantha March 16, 2012, 2:39 pm

    This made me giggle! My dude and I have these weird conversations, only, since he lived in an apartment that got bed bugs, his first response to strange lumps is never quite so dire as cancer or lymph nodes but “Ohmygosh is that a bite!?” And then he vacuums everything even if it’s late.

    Reply Link

Leave a Comment