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He learned all about her divorce and everything she’s done since they last spoke. I asked if he talked about me and he said no. During an entire hour-long conversation the fact that he’s taken, in love, and LIVING WITH his girlfriend never came up? He never volunteered that information? Hmm. So I asked him if they exchanged numbers and they did. This is a woman he actually cheated on another girlfriend with a few years ago!
Anyway, the very next day she texts him “heeeyyyyyy” and he responds with “sup dawg,” and I nearly lost it. I told him I was not okay with him having any kind of contact with her whatsoever. EVER. He said that was fine and he wouldn’t talk to her. To his credit, he hasn’t returned her texts. He’s just ignoring her, which gets the job done, but I really wish he would TELL her why he isn’t talking to her. He says ignoring her is good enough. I cannot figure out why telling this woman he has a girlfriend and can’t talk to her is such a problem for him. He also doesn’t think there was any betrayal in his actions. No, he didn’t cheat on me, but the situation and his actions feel shady and I can’t get that out of my head. Am I crazy? Am I taking this too seriously? — Betrayed at the Dog Park
This is more than your boyfriend not telling his “big ex” that you exist. This is also your freaking out because your boyfriend stops responding to your texts for an hour. This is about your apparent reading of all his texts. This is about your boyfriend having a history of cheating (and cheating specifically with this person). This is about your not trusting your boyfriend. Your boyfriend agreeing not to speak to his ex isn’t going to fix that. Even his telling her he’s with you isn’t going to fix it. You don’t trust him. You didn’t trust him BEFORE he ran into his ex at the dog park (hence, thinking it’s weird not hearing from him for an hour), and then you freaked out when you found out whom he ran into and what he neglected to tell her in their long, personal conversation that included lots of relationship updates from her.
Not only do you not trust your boyfriend, but you probably aren’t feeling terribly important to him either. He didn’t even mention he was in love? Isn’t that kind of a big deal? If you’re going to have a big catch-up with someone you haven’t seen in a long time, isn’t that something you mention? … Except for when there’s a conflict of interest, right? Isn’t that what you’re thinking? That he didn’t tell his ex about you because you are a conflict of interest? The other interest, of course, being HER. She’s divorced now, after all.
I don’t think you’re crazy, but I do think you’re probably in the wrong relationship. And I think you probably know that. But I also know there’s probably not much I or anyone else can say to persuade you to get out, so I’ll simply say this: If there weren’t a conflict of interest, your boyfriend would have mentioned you to his ex. There’s a reason he didn’t. Stay with him and your fears over what that reason is will surely be confirmed. And if they aren’t confirmed, you’ll drive yourself crazy looking for signs of confirmation. Because you don’t trust your boyfriend. And regardless of any big ex in the picture, that’s reason alone to MOA.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.