I’m in my early 20s and I have a boyfriend around my age. My complaining roommate is in her 30s and religious and wants to impose this stupid rule. I understand that we have to share the space and his being there makes her uncomfortable, but it’s unfair to me — it’s my space too. He’s not out of control — she might see him walking down the hallway sometimes, but he’s not half naked or eating everyone’s food or bothering her with the bathroom situation. She doesn’t even share a bathroom with me. She has her own. She’s trying to control the whole space. What can I do? I don’t want to move out. — Night Watched
You had a verbal agreement — one even your landlord was part of — that you wouldn’t have overnight guests. Now you have a boyfriend you want to stay overnight with you, and your argument, I guess, is that a verbal agreement isn’t binding like a lease is and your lease says no overnight guests for more than fourteen days. But… you made a verbal agreement that you want to break.
I can’t speak to legality of the issue, but ethically and morally the onus is on you to move out and find a place/roommate that agrees to you having an overnight guest. You could ask your current roommate if she wants to move out and let you find a new roommate, but, if she declines, the responsibility is yours to make this right. You are the one breaking your verbal agreement, and she is justified in being angry with you, no matter how stupid you think the rule is that you initially agreed to.
It would be a show of good will and good faith for a couple to both contribute to the cost of a move that’s being made to bring both people physically closer together. The ratio of contribution is dependent on a number of variables, not least of which is how much each person can comfortably afford to contribute. This move is an investment in the relationship, and if each person isn’t willing to contribute to the investment — ideally, with some financial contribution — then consider that a red flag and do not move until this has been addressed in a way both parties feels comfortable with.
Not once have I heard him say he loves me even though I used to say it all the time. Now, after giving so much and not receiving as much back, all the passion I once had is slipping away. At this point, even if he did ask for marriage, I am not sure if that’s what I want. Thing keeps moving forward and he has bought a house that we now live in. I am afraid to invest any more funds into a house I am splitting all the costs on if it will never be ours. I found myself recently packing up Christmas items and segregating them as “his” and “mine.” All this is a huge weight and I’m wondering if I should open up my heart or just run. — Lost and walking on eggshells
I’m not sure why you moved in with someone who can’t tell you he loves you. But the question now is: Are you getting what you want? If not, specify exactly what it is you want and ask for it. And if he can’t give it to you, move on already, because it sounds like the guy is using you as a companion and to cover half his mortgage that you’re not even building equity on. Nope.
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