Three quickies today:
I met this girl recently and I really like her, and I know she really likes me back, but when we started dating exclusively she let me know that she was interested in joining the Navy. I supported her decision and she recently passed the medical tests and leaves in April for basic training which lasts three months. If she passes, she will be gone for four years and she only gets to come home two times a year. We will only have been dating exclusively for two months by then and we got exclusive pretty soon after we met. I want to make things work with her, but not being able to spend time with her for so long seems like a deal breaker. Please help. — Losing Her to the Navy?
Not being able to spend time with someone for over four years, someone whom you’ve known only a couple of months, IS a deal-breaker. Wish her well, keep in touch if you’d like, and move on with your life. Kudos to her for being honest as soon as you met about her desire to join the Navy, and kudos to you for being supportive. Your time together wasn’t a waste, and maybe it’s not even the the end of the road forever, but a relationship cannot grow, and it certainly can’t thrive, with so much distance for a very long, extended period of time.
I met this guy four and a half months ago in October; we started hanging out and I was wanting to be more casual. He kept saying, “I would date you in a heart beat.” We hung out nine days in a row in December; he invited me to his work Christmas party and on a trip. I finally let my guard down and, after going on a really good date for Valentine’s Day, asked if that was a date or a friend thing and he said, “I don’t know.” I asked if he no longer saw us dating, and he said that wasn’t it but he just was enjoying what we were doing and he didn’t know if he wanted to get into anything seriously. I’m so annoyed and confused. We have been having sleep-overs and messing around and going on “dates” and he was the one who pursued me and wanted to date…so I wonder what changed or, now that I want to date, why he is like acting weird. What should I do? — Now Wanting More Than Casual
Listen when he tells you what he’s feeling: He enjoys dating you but doesn’t want anything serious. This really isn’t all that confusing. In the time that you wanted to be casual, he took you at your word and probably was keeping his options open. Maybe he’s met someone else he’s interested in and doesn’t want to commit to any one person right now. I’d ask him if he’s “messing around” and having sleepovers with anyone else, make sure you use protection, and decide whether you’re willing to keep things casual for a while or if his not wanting to be serious is a deal-breaker. If it is, move on.
My daughter’s father and I have been broken up for some time now. Recently I found out that he has had a girlfriend for a couple months, and I feel like he’s been hiding her from me. When I confronted him, he said that it wasn’t what I thought and that it had been on and off. Prior to this, it had seemed like we wanted to work on us. So I stopped answering his phone calls. Even though he calls me about my daughter, I cannot even talk. I feel like he’s still mine and I love him and want to be with him, but I also don’t want him because he is a cheater. Why is he acting this way and what do I do now? — Feeling Cheated
You’ve been broken up for “some time.” Your words. His dating someone else doesn’t make him a cheater. And it’s also not really any of your business except for how it might relate to/affect your daughter. Your responsibility is to her, and part of being a good parent is being a good co-parent with her father. Not answering his phone calls, especially when you know he’s calling about your daughter, is unacceptable. Grow up, act like a mother, and quit it with this high school bullshit. You and he didn’t work out, he’s moved on, get over it.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].